Super-sensitive new colleague: how to manage

[GustyFinknottle]

I work in a sales and marketing team for a small company that doesn't have in-house HR. My manager has been on sick leave for five weeks and I, being the oldest and longest-serving member of the department, have been instructed to deal with this situation as best I can by my manager's manager (who is the company director/ owner).

Before he went off sick my manager recruited a young woman (a recent graduate) to work as an assistant. She's very conscientious and she seems super-sensitive about what I and my fellow colleagues would regard as normal work exchanges and feedback. It's a fairly relaxed environment and we understand that it takes a while to learn the systems and don't expect her to get everything right all the time.

Part of her work involves updating product specs. I was wfh a couple of weeks ago and couldn't find the updated version of a file I knew she'd been working on, so I emailed her saying 'Hi, I'm looking for the latest version of the XYZ file. Are you still working on it?' She responded that she had completed the task and uploaded the file. I took another look, still couldn't find it, so emailed asking her to double-check it was completed and she'd uploaded it. She said she had. It turned out, when I searched for it, that she'd accidentally changed the title and put it in the wrong folder. I called her to say I'd found it, told her what had happened and suggested it was something to look out for in the future. I assured her that it's still early days and that we've all done similar things. We laughed at how easy it was to do and that was that.

The following day I received an email telling me she felt I owed her an apology because I had accused her of not completing the work when she said she had. I responded in writing saying that I was sorry that was how she'd understood my words, but there was no accusation intended, I was just trying to work out where the file was. She came back saying she still thought I ought to apologise. I sat down with a cup of tea, wondered wtf was going on, gave it some thought and responded via email asking how how she'd like me to approach her in the future if something like this happened again. Her response was that if she tells me she's done something I need to trust that she has and not accuse her of lying, which she felt I had by asked her to double-check. She again asked for an apology in writing. I said I was sorry that she felt I was accusing her of not having completed the task and that seemed to satisfy her, but it was such a bizarre exchange that I haven't been able to relax around her since.

I thought I was the only one, but apparently something similar has been going on with two other colleagues. They've both been asked to apologise for the kind of functional communications that go on in every office I've worked in. They're both decent people who feel quite offended by her accusations. They've asked me to talk to her and have made it clear they feel that working with her is going to be a challenge. She is in week nine of a three month probationary period and this needs to be dealt with before the end of probation. My manager is off sick. I've asked the director for permission to involve the HR consultant and I'm waiting for a response, but I'd like to have a conversation with her in the next few days in order to put down a marker and then work out where to go from there.

Has anyone encountered anything like this? Is this a generational thing? I'm in my 50s, my other colleagues are at least 15 years older than her. Our adult children aren't like this but is this the new normal?

I was wondering about asking her if she was enjoying working here and seeing what she has to say. Would it be acceptable to say that I get the impression, from some of her communications with me and others, that she doesn't seem comfortable with the way our team communicates, and that's something she needs to work on? This is a pleasant place to work, everyone in the is pretty reasonable and good at what they do and we've been a good — and effective — team. Is it appropriate to alert her that being able to work comfortably with other team members, in an established office culture, is vital? That being able to handle reasonable requests and feedback from colleagues is all part of the job?

Can you be specific about why you feel this is an ageist situation?

While intern was wrong to insisit on getting apology, she didnt ask apology for OP mentioning file name and location being wrong.

Op couldnt find the file. So she checked with employee who confirmed she completed her job and uploaded the file but OP told her she couldn't find the file so could she double check if she completed the work and uploaded the file.

It is easy to make a mistake of uploading the file in wrong folder. Uploading ususally requires couple of minutes and can be done without requiring much focus.

While completing the work is different. It is not a 2 mins job and usually requires some attention. So if employee said she had completed the job, she must have completed it unless OP think she lied when she first said she completed. Intern was offended for the accusation of lying to finish work.

I'm hoping that the HR advisor won't put up obstacles to negotiate.

Why would they? HR's job is to protect the company.

Multiple Instances of the same mistake being made in a 9 week period is enough to end probation on its own without even having to get into the (batshit) attitude. She won't get better and will assume this is fine if there are no consequences. She doesn't sound like an asset to your organisation

Others here have indicated that HR people may err on the side of caution and would want to extend probation and be seen to have explored all avenues before terminating.

@GustyFinknottle

My big concern is that I don't let anything slip to the new recruit or anyone else. I'm going off site for the HR meeting so that we're not overheard on the premises.

I’d seriously consider asking for this thread to be removed now. You’ve had lots of good advice but it’s in trending and could get picked up by anyone.

I think you are handling it very well Op. I am glad that your MD is decisive about the way forward on this and has arranged for the HR Consultant to be involved. I do think it is slightly unfair though to complain you were 'not businesslike enough' in the emails; this is a tricky situation which was left to you to handle as best you could without further support at the time, a lot of new managers would find this a challenge to manage.

I don't think you should need to handle this on your own so I would agree that someone else (probably HR) should be present at the meeting. I agree that termination during probation is probably the best outcome and there is no need to wait to the end of probation if it is clearly not working out. It is also low risk although the HR consultant should be able to advise if any risks at all apply - so would just follow their advice on how best to conduct this process.

As has been said; their primary function is to protect the company. They will not do this by placing barriers in the way of removing a toxic employee before they cause any further damage.

It's interesting to see the posts on here trying to justify the new recruit's position. That's part of the problem. There are some people who rely on the internet and social media for advice when often that advice and information is simply wrong.
The pandemic has probably added to this disconnect between what certain people feel should happen and what reality is. Work can be difficult, time consuming and involve a learning curve about colleagues and company culture. New starts who think everything will bend to them and their preferences, are having a difficult time adjusting to being in spaces that don't 'centre' them. In our field, we're seeing a real lack of understanding of company structure, planning and decision making processes. We've had new starts question Director level decision making even though they had no access to any of the research and planning that had impacted that decision making. They seemed to genuinely struggle with the idea that they don't know everything, that they won't have access to everything and that they often don't have the experience or expertise to fully appreciate the details of certain processes. It's like trying to reason with toddlers sometimes.

If its an external company that also provides indemnification they are often very VERY straight and narrow and will push for best practice rather than what's legally fine.

That being said their advice can be ignored it just means you won't be indemnified.

I used to work for one. The hoops they made companies jump through at times is unreal.

wow, i can't believe she thought you owed her an apology, over something so minor too! You weren't hanging her out to dry! just ''where's the document?''.

Blimey.

I once had to advise a company that they should have an investigation meeting with 48 hrs notice with someone who had been there for 4 weeks who blatantly lied that they were an expert in X. Felt like an absolute tit, can't tell you how pleased I was when the client confirmed they were happy for that case not to be insured! Employee was gone within the hour.

She is either entitled or has some kind of paranoid personality disorder. Either way she is not suited to the role.

It's true, my mother has gone her whole life so far without ever apologising. She once gave somebody too much sedative (mistake with the zeros) and I bet she didn't apologise then either. Everything is the fault of the people around her. My mother is not 24 of course! She is 79 but it's always the case that if you raise any issue with her, no matter how gently, you were being aggressive, or berating her and she is the victim of you and then the simple request gets lost in a narrative about how unpleasant you were to ask for the simple thing. Whether it's to rename a file or not let herself in to your house. I would hope that a 24 year old can change.

The thing is, defensiveness is borne out of fear, so the fact that it's a temporary contract which may/may not be extended doesn't help.

I've worked in situations where the employers saw everything I did through a negative lens and attributed laziness or incompetence where there had been a reason. I ended up having to be ''defensive'' because of the narrative spun around me by more senior people. Of course, it didn't work, I was fired. But i get it. Being defensive and covering your arse comes from a place of fear. Is she paid PARTICULARLY well though? I wonder if an indirect acknowledgement of how she's paid only an average amount and would probably not struggle to be rehired might make her relax a bit.

I made that mistake with an intern.
She was making little mistakes like filing with the wrong name/ wrong folder at the start and I didn't correct her but just mentioned it as something not that not important because I didn't want her to feel bad and also as you say, looking her mistakes as only relative. She got worse, much worse, everything was sloppy. She started to "forget" replying emails, not answering calls and in a few months I had to do the work for her, find files for her etc. It was worse having her than not having anyone.
I learned from my mistake. Things have to be done the right way from the start. It saves a lot of time in the long run.
It's important to use the right tone but never overlook these things.

OP, find out who gave her the job and make sure that person doesn’t have a hand in recruiting her replacement!

you cannot expect a brand new grad straight out of uni "to just know this stuff". They are completely green and literally do need treated like toddlers

How appalling to read such poverty of expectation, especially when so many of us have mentioned we've recruited countless graduates who are nothing like this

Glad to hear she will be going.
I had someone like this when I was new to management (with no training) and found her extremely difficult to deal with.,
Unfortunately for me, she was perfect during her probation then everything changed and sounds very similar to your employee, except my staff member was mid 30s.
She did casually mention that her previous workplace had to get remediation in, and it doesn't surprise me one bit.
We did get rid of her, but she got a lawyer onto us, of course, though she had no case.

I'm glad this worked out OP. I just sat some hiring training this week funnily and her actions just scream problematic. God knows how she's going to function in an adult workplace.

I can't recommend specific training, but I would focus on the people side and how to manage different types of people. That's where most people get stuck. And as has been said and demonstrated here, always address issues immediately - never let them drag. I learnt that the hard way too.

You're absolutely right. I should have said: I'd want to respond this way. Not that I actually would say this. Just think it.

Some people's approach to employment is just weird. DH had nightmares for some time with an underling who was doing very limited work and was constantly late, but blamed other people every time and was constantly complaining about how unfair he perceived his treatment to be. Eventually he left, to massive relief all round. DH has just heard that, in the new job, this person went on strike in the first week because he didn't think he was being paid enough.

I've spent much of the afternoon with the HR consultant who was at first a bit 'let's not rush into anything, we may be able to turn this around' but changed her mind after reading the emails. I'm not in a position to say anything more now but we have a strategy and I have support. The aim will be to keep it simple.

I'm off to have a stiff drink. It's been a stressful 24 hours. Thank you to those who offered advice. Particularly the Ask a Manager site, which will doubtless be a go-to in future. Have a good weekend everyone.

@GustyFinknottle

😮‍💨 🍷

Incompetence can be fixed. Attitude can't.

Glad you have taken the plunge. In my long and weary management experience, shit employees at the start should be binned right away. My biggest work regrets are giving people I wasn't sure about a chance. If they feel wrong, they're wrong.

Can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear etc

Love your posts@Clymene every one a learning one, thank you🙏.