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Original poster

Is my colleague being unreasonable?

154 replies

user01082312345 · 29/06/2023 03:29

I work for a big company, but I'm part of a small team within our department (four people including myself). We work from home, and I have yet to meet any of my team in person. The head of our department said that each quarter, we can meet up for a team lunch at a restaurant of our choice, and the company will pay $35 per head. I'm the least senior person in my team, and it was left to one woman in our team to organise the lunch meetup. However, she wanted to wait until the warmer weather came so that we can eat outside since she "doesn't feel comfortable eating inside a restaurant." We found a reasonably priced restaurant with an outside terrace and we are scheduled to meet up there tomorrow for our free lunch. Tomorrow is literally the last chance we have to meet up, but it's forecast to rain. I asked my team member if the lunch would still be going ahead as planned, and she said that she would prefer not to eat indoors, and that she would check the weather tomorrow morning and let us know.

She didn't give any reason for saying why she doesn't want to eat indoors. She is a young female with no health issues (none that I'm aware of..: and I know for a fact she smokes weed so I doubt she has respiratory problems..) I just think it's kinda pathetic that she is refusing us all a team lunch because of her own selfish preferences... I'm a mum to a young toddler so I don't often get the opportunity to socialise and get out of the house. I was really looking forward to meeting my colleagues in person.

OP posts:
Vegandiva · 29/06/2023 03:31

If you waited this long to accommodate her preference and now it’s the last day you can meet up, I think you should meet up regardless and if she’s not able to make it that’s on her.

Vegandiva · 29/06/2023 03:33

Also don’t most places with outdoor eating have umbrellas or patio awnings and so on to protect diners from the sun and the rain, anyway?

allmyliesaretrue · 29/06/2023 03:34

No reason to change plans. Am sure the restaurant will be able to accommodate you whatever the weather.

Original poster
user01082312345 · 29/06/2023 03:43

It's been quite stormy weather this week, with torrential rain and thunderstorms, so if that's the case tomorrow, then it wouldn't be practical to sit outside.

OP posts:
BestServedChilled · 29/06/2023 04:09

So you arrange a Teams chat online and a breezy “see y’all at the restaurant at 1pm tomorrow, shame if the rain means you don’t feel like coming but we’d love to see you there!”

VisionsOfSplendour · 29/06/2023 04:33

Does one person not wanting to go mean that it has to be cancelled?

Backstreets · 29/06/2023 04:51

What an oddball. volunteer to organise next time!

Sparklfairy · 29/06/2023 04:59

This is... mad. If the meal is once a quarter what on earth is she going to do in winter?

Will the company pull the whole idea if no one goes? And you won't get offered again?

I wonder whether you can say something along the lines of 'obviously it would be lovely to sit outside, but we shouldn't miss out on meeting each other because of a bit of rain and we might have to sit indoors this time. I'd love the chance for some team bonding after all this time!'

MrsElsa · 29/06/2023 05:05

Normally the date would be booked and then whoever attends, attends.

A shame the org didn't set this as an objective for the line managers, this shouldn't have been left to staff to orgsnise.

Bogeyes · 29/06/2023 05:12

It looks like you have a team member who doesn't give a hoot about anybody else. She wants her own way. I actually hate eating outside! You had better get used to pleasing her....

Yetisrus · 29/06/2023 07:19

Not all disabilities or illnesses are physical or seen, she may have some kind of anxiety that she doesn't want to tell people about. To dismiss her not wanting to eat indoors as her being awkward is unjust.

Whataretheodds · 29/06/2023 07:21

Vegandiva · 29/06/2023 03:31

If you waited this long to accommodate her preference and now it’s the last day you can meet up, I think you should meet up regardless and if she’s not able to make it that’s on her.

Agree

Comety · 29/06/2023 07:24

What do the rest of the team think? I think you should go without her.

Who's in charge?

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/06/2023 07:53

What the hell? What's wrong with eating indoors? She's just being ridiculous. You can bet your life she's eating her breakfast indoors right at this minute!

ChateauMargaux · 29/06/2023 07:55

Go ahead anyway..

musixa · 29/06/2023 07:55

I wonder if she doesn't really want to go (for whatever reason) and this is an excuse to get out of it.

cushioncovers · 29/06/2023 07:56

Next time raise your concerns. This time just go with it, she's organising it if it rains she will have to find somewhere else for the meeting to go ahead not that's your problem.

LadinLee · 29/06/2023 07:57

Yetisrus · 29/06/2023 07:19

Not all disabilities or illnesses are physical or seen, she may have some kind of anxiety that she doesn't want to tell people about. To dismiss her not wanting to eat indoors as her being awkward is unjust.

I was thinking this too.
But I think she will need to accept that if the weather is bad everyone eats inside, and she just doesn't go

Crazycockapoop · 29/06/2023 07:58

I’m betting she wants to eat outside so she can smoke! Can’t think of any other reason.

Overthebow · 29/06/2023 08:00

Just meet anyway, she’s being ridiculous.

musixa · 29/06/2023 08:03

Crazycockapoop · 29/06/2023 07:58

I’m betting she wants to eat outside so she can smoke! Can’t think of any other reason.

If you're indoors, you pop out for a cigarette between courses - not arduous. It would be very rude even if sitting outdoors to smoke at the table while others were eating; you'd only smoke between courses and quite possibly move away from the eating area unless lots of others were smoking too. I say this as a smoker.

lljkk · 29/06/2023 09:07

Covid anxiety?

WhenIWasAFieldMyself · 29/06/2023 09:11

Whatever her reasons, it's unkind and unprofessional to invalidate them in such a way. You have no right to be informed as to why she doesn't feel comfortable eating indoors. Could be health anxiety, could be claustrophobic, could be panic attacks in closed spaces.
That said, as above, the straightforward response is "sorry you won't be joining us, hopefully you'll make it next time"
No drama or bitching required.

HornchurchClaire · 29/06/2023 13:23

Do you not feel comfortable to ask? Not ballsy but a "hey, understand if you don't want to say but may I ask why you only want to sit outside when dining? Because it might make future group activities limited so just trying to understand so I can consider all co-worker's needs" or something to that effect. A private DM on your work platform perhaps? Someone else said it but whilst I agree with the fact others shouldn't miss out, maybe she does have some sort of anxiety that's not known about. It is quite selfish though for her to be the organiser that is also going to cancel the lunch it if it rains. Someone should also be letting her know that!

Tangerinee · 29/06/2023 13:28

Its a difficult one but she might not want to eat indoors if she struggles to eat infront of others. I am recovering from an eating disorder and I can only eat with people I am comfortable around or very small groups of people. I struggle to eat in restaurants because I feel like the many people at all the other tables around me are looking at me (of course, I know they're not, but it's something that many of those in ED recovery face). Eating outside may feel more open for her. Might be worth asking her in private why she prefers outdoor eating!

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