Is my colleague being unreasonable?

[user01082312345]

I work for a big company, but I'm part of a small team within our department (four people including myself). We work from home, and I have yet to meet any of my team in person. The head of our department said that each quarter, we can meet up for a team lunch at a restaurant of our choice, and the company will pay $35 per head. I'm the least senior person in my team, and it was left to one woman in our team to organise the lunch meetup. However, she wanted to wait until the warmer weather came so that we can eat outside since she "doesn't feel comfortable eating inside a restaurant." We found a reasonably priced restaurant with an outside terrace and we are scheduled to meet up there tomorrow for our free lunch. Tomorrow is literally the last chance we have to meet up, but it's forecast to rain. I asked my team member if the lunch would still be going ahead as planned, and she said that she would prefer not to eat indoors, and that she would check the weather tomorrow morning and let us know.

She didn't give any reason for saying why she doesn't want to eat indoors. She is a young female with no health issues (none that I'm aware of..: and I know for a fact she smokes weed so I doubt she has respiratory problems..) I just think it's kinda pathetic that she is refusing us all a team lunch because of her own selfish preferences... I'm a mum to a young toddler so I don't often get the opportunity to socialise and get out of the house. I was really looking forward to meeting my colleagues in person.

I'm terms of your colleague you cannot possibly know her situation - health issues and disabilities are often hidden . She may also have a close family member who is Immunocompromised and for whom getting Covid would be pretty serious . As much as we pretend otherwise Covid isn’t over . So I would have more empathy . For my part I actually prefer being outdoors - hate crowded restaurants . So I would be grumpy about the annoying person who always wants to eat indoors even if the weather is lovely . Saying all of that if I were her I would just pull out but expect the rest of you to go ahead.

Unfortunately a lot of people have got v anxious because of covid and also they have become used to a more solitary life which is not good imo. Maybe they have busy social lives and don't feel the need to socialise as much as u do. And maybe because none of you have met in person yet they are feeling a bit nervous about it and its the easier option to continue with what they are familiar with.

Oh dear, this woman needs to het a grip, unless she does issues. How would she cope in a job going out every day, like a lot of us still are and everyone used to?

In answer to your question, no room to dilly dally at this point, it goes ahead and she is absent to mtg if she doesn't turn up. X

Then she should excuse herself because there’s no way they can eat outside every quarter in the U.K. - so if she can’t eat in, she shouldn’t stop everybody else going.

Oh my word, really? Have some people gone straight from qualifying to wfh with no experience of interacting? Is it a younger generation thing, post covid thing or just become too convient for everyone? Sorry but I am just personally in complete disbelief how soft this is, in my 50s I still drive in rain, fog, snow to go to my workplace, teach, no time for proper breaks, work after work, always have done and before that public transport, raincoats etc.

Strewth what is the world coming to, no wonder they call people like this snowflakes, some are even more like raindrops as they have already melted!

But she has not said she has a condition that makes it not possible. Are the team going to have to sit outside in Winter as well ?(the meal is once a quarter). If she cant make it, that shouldnt prevent the rest of the team going.

I think some are missing that all of the rest of OPs team is coming up with excuses not to go.

If they're not compulsory that's the end of it isn't it really, if it doesn't suit OP they need to find somewhere more sociable

Perhaps next time meet at one of your homes, buy cold food for a buffet and get the company to reimburse you ? This is if one or all of you have gardens that is.

Sorry to say but it sounds like they don't want to socialise with work people.

Great response. I was going to be meaner, but it really isn't necessary.

God you poor thing, I'd hate to work in a team like yours. A bunch of people who can't even be bothered to have a team lunch.

I honestly think a team that gets along well, works better and that they should make some attempt to get to know each other out of a work context.

I’d have responded: oh that’s a shame, I’ve been looking forward to it for ages.
could we not just eat inside
given that the weather in the U.K. can never be guaranteed

I honestly think a team who are forced to socialise together get on even worse...

One of my favourite colleagues of all time never went to a single work social. Invited her every time, but she had commitments outside of work, plus she simply didn't want to. I respected her honesty. Instead, we spoke when grabbing a coffee break at work. I still think she's brilliant.

You can't force people to get on, the ones I get on really well with are, yes, people I've spent time with at work socials but we've organically created that relationship it wasn't forced.

We are a big team though so there isn't such an emphasis on people staying for work socials.

It's not unreasonable to request a adjustment that makes her feel more comfortable (for whatever reason). But it is unreasonable if she thinks everyone should sit in the rain or not go because she can't.
Also, what if there's someone that needs to be inside (because of pollen or something). Then what? And what if its winter? So of course there needs to be give and take.
Respectful discussion.
As others have said, be sensitive and don't come out and ask her outright why as she may not want to say, but may offer explanation if you show you respect her preference.

Ughh, read the updates.. so if its once a quarter and this one is postponed then does that mean you missed out on one? Ugh!

I mean, I'm fairly antisocial and get sensory overload but it's only 4 people and it's FREE FOOD, I would totes go, lol

Why don't the rest of you just go without her?!

There's any number of reasons she doesn't want to eat inside, her health is private so you wouldn't know. I imagine she's trying to keep the team together. Why not return the sentiment?

I'm beginning to understand why some bosses are starting to put their foot down and insist that employees come back into the office and put in an appearance in person, even if it's just on a very part-time or even occasional basis.

It just seems like a lot of people are stuck in a negative feedback loop where they've lost a lot of social skills, have become increasingly addicted to screens and socially anxious, are responding to their fears/difficulties by avoiding social situations even more, which is causing their fears to spiral and their social skills to atrophy still further etc..... rinse and repeat.

I agree with this. I do think though a quarterly lunch that the boss is paying for should be manageable. I'd be pissed off if my team couldn't be bothered making a tiny bit of effort.

The thing is, in life we often have to get on with people who we didn't necessarily choose to spend time with. Learning how to do this is actually a skill. We may need this in our careers as well at various times. I can understand why bosses feel that their employees should learn and practice these skills as well.

Not just that, they've also become very entitled and have an excuse for everything.
At my workplace everyone was on full-time office contracts, with homeworking allowed with line manager approval. Even pre-Covid.
Now that we're back to hybrid working - people have taken the piss until the office had to take a hard-line with disciplinary action.

Of course work socialising has a limit, endless after work drinks, golf etc is detrimental to the careers of people who have other commitments. That doesn't mean any socialising is unwarranted.

People are happy to go off-contract when it benefits them (WFH with a full time office contract), but not the other way around.

A lot of people also came up with 'anxiety' as an excuse for not coming in. Which is fine, except that they refuse to go through our process for declaring a workplace disability. Probably because full-time WFH wouldn't be the outcome, and they anticipated just being able to rock up with a letter from the GP and never have to enter the office again.

If the employee is trying to avoid the social setting she should have declined being organiser and said she wouldn’t go. Not appropriate to faff around and end up not going. What is she going yo do in October and February? Still insist on sitting outside?

By the OP's admission, one doesn't want to sit indoors, one doesn't like driving in the rain, one has no interest, and one is is the OP. This isn't really about one person's preferences. This is about the fact that three out of four people don't really want to meet for lunch - it's just the OP who wants the free meal.

Personally, I'd rather pay for my own food at home and not socialise with three people who would rather be anywhere else but with me. Just sounds painful.