Is my colleague being unreasonable?

[user01082312345]

I work for a big company, but I'm part of a small team within our department (four people including myself). We work from home, and I have yet to meet any of my team in person. The head of our department said that each quarter, we can meet up for a team lunch at a restaurant of our choice, and the company will pay $35 per head. I'm the least senior person in my team, and it was left to one woman in our team to organise the lunch meetup. However, she wanted to wait until the warmer weather came so that we can eat outside since she "doesn't feel comfortable eating inside a restaurant." We found a reasonably priced restaurant with an outside terrace and we are scheduled to meet up there tomorrow for our free lunch. Tomorrow is literally the last chance we have to meet up, but it's forecast to rain. I asked my team member if the lunch would still be going ahead as planned, and she said that she would prefer not to eat indoors, and that she would check the weather tomorrow morning and let us know.

She didn't give any reason for saying why she doesn't want to eat indoors. She is a young female with no health issues (none that I'm aware of..: and I know for a fact she smokes weed so I doubt she has respiratory problems..) I just think it's kinda pathetic that she is refusing us all a team lunch because of her own selfish preferences... I'm a mum to a young toddler so I don't often get the opportunity to socialise and get out of the house. I was really looking forward to meeting my colleagues in person.

They sound so much fun!!! 🙄🤣. I wouldn't worry, a lunch with them would probably be horrendous anyway

Your work place seems generous. Ive never heard of that before.
Me and my team meet all the time for cake and coffee or lunch. We socialise on nights out too and we all wfh and pay for it ourselves. If its cancelled because of her, tell her that's a shame but you want to meet the team so does anyone still fancy a quick coffee and chat?

The person who wants to sit outside may have a compromised immune system and so COVID is still an issue for them along with any other respiratory illness. However, what ever the reason it’s no one’s business apart from their manager IF it impacts their job.

No one has to attend a non compulsory work lunch, they can say no for whatever reason they want however “pathetic” anyone else thinks it is.

If you want socialising either find a non-wfh job or arrange things yourself. If you do arrange things yourself though, when you are arranging venues etc you do need to be mindful of where you choose especially if someone has said they can’t go to certain places as you’re opening yourself up for bullying/discrimination accusations. Not saying you always have to arrange it for somewhere they can attend (although if for disability or religious reasons you should try) but you also can’t always arrange it in places you know they can’t access.

I avoid eating inside restaurants because of COVID. I don't think that's unreasonable although most people seem to behave as though the pandemic is over.

This with bells on.

its absolutely reasonable to deduce she wants outside for ventilation/lower covid risk purposes. Whilst the public health emergency has ended it is still a pandemic virus killing about 250 people in the U.K. each week.

Vulnerable people are 8.5 times more likely to die if infected with covid and there are 500k people with no response to the vaccine and up shit creek as the govt dithers and delays over monoclonal antibody treatments.

it’s unreasonable to ask her to disclose her medical info to you by pushing to sit indoors when she’s explained she isn’t happy with that.

So everyone else has to suffer because of 1 person? No, it doesn’t work like that.

I would bat this to the higher ups.

Maybe, just maybe, these colleagues don’t live where work thinks they do… maybe they’re currently working from somewhere far afield (and the company doesn’t know) so it’s a convenient excuse when weather steps in or they have specific requirements to be half assed and cancel?

A company I was working with during covid had a huge problem with this - at the first opportunity when rules allowed they arranged an “in person” day at which point they found a large number of their staff had disappeared overseas, and the limited flights meant they couldn’t make it back for the in person day and had to admit they were working from all over the place. Which breached the terms of their contracts because of data protection.

They sacked the lot on the spot.

Just because people can technically work from anywhere doesn’t actually mean their contracts permit them to.

My daughter hates eating in busy restaurants, she gets really anxious, she often asked to sit outside.maybe she isn't being unreasonable, maybe she can't eat in a restaurant.

No you are not being unreasonable. The event was organised around her preferences, but the weather has mucked stuff up. The rest of you go, she can chose to eat indoors, or not eat with you. She is capable of eating inside. Her preference to eat outside, is no more important than your preference to meet up.

That's all fair enough but why then volunteer to organise it 🤣

Ok it could be for health reasons. Even so though, there isn't another option so she doesn't get to spoil it for everyone else.

This doesn't make sense. If the woman doesn't want to eat out, then she should let someone else organise the meal and just not go.

Whether she has issues or not, unfortunately the team should not be cancelling if there is no alternative. She doesn't need to communicate them but she can't expect everyone to lose out. Next time perhaps there is some other kind of other arrangement that could be made that doesn't depend on the weather.

I say that as someone who has various health challenges, and sometimes, however disappointing it is to me, my needs can't be accommodated (and i wouldn't want them to be if it was always at the expense of others).

She might be clinically vulnerable so getting COVID or long COVID would be very risky for her. A lot of health issues aren't visible.

They just can't be arsed to go out and would rather sit on the couch at home.

She doesn’t not want to eat out, she doesn’t want to eat indoors. If it is for disability related reasons, you soon learn to take on the organisation of things otherwise accessibility isn’t considered/is ignored. You can’t expect people to just “stay at home” when there are suitable alternatives available.

However, I do agree that the meal shouldn’t have been cancelled. In this situation I would have just said I won’t be coming rather than cancelling it. It sounds like 2/4 possibly even 3/4 (seeing as one person never seems to have responded to the invite) wasn’t bothered about meal though so, what can you do.

If she’s not said why then she likely has anxiety, I agree.

Obviously though… Her controlling behaviour towards others still isn’t excusable - it’s not reasonable to expect everyone to miss out.

I'm not happy eating indoors but I wouldn't volunteer to organise it and mostly I just let people arrange stuff and don't go
If it's outside then great, and I'll go
Christmas do was brilliant as they arranged a private room for work colleagues only for a meal

It's not this one colleague spoiling it for everybody else - it's very obvious none of them want to go except the OP. I love a free work lunch but many people don't want to do these kind of team events and that's not unreasonable.

OP, your frustration is understandable but I don't think you should be judging your colleagues over this when there might be factors you aren't aware of.

If it’s the last chance, and they aren’t interested, just ask to use the whole budget for your own lunch - go somewhere posh, sit inside and have a proper lunch :)

Just go without her. It’s crazy if you’d all miss out otherwise. All but one May as well still go.

It sounds like no one actually wants to go eat inside apart from you, OP. And as the least senior person in the team, you are least likely to know what the real reasons for that are.

You're calling her selfish, when the reality may be that she knows the medical conditions of the rest of the team and she's covering to keep their confidentiality.

Is 'don't be unjust' the new #bekind?
Again please remember being kind only works one way, and serves the most dramatic/demanding.