Does anyone manage someone with autism? Looking for advice.

[MadameFantabulosa]

I manage someone who says they are “probably” autistic, but no formal diagnosis. They are quite quirky, bright and good at their job, but absolutely do not “get” social cues. For example they will drone on for hours about a niche subject that is only of interest to them, and don’t get that people are bored. They don’t have “two way conversations” - it’s a monologue, so the other person can’t get a word in edgewise and they never ask questions to get a two way flow. At social functions (we go to a lot of social functions, some quite formal), they don’t interact with other people, and don’t seem to understand when the event is over and they have to leave - eg pouring more drinks when everyone else has gone.

This behaviour will almost certainly hold them back in their career. But how to approach it? Via OH or HR? I don’t feel equipped for the conversation.

What conversation do you need to have? You sounds very judgemental.

Is it really your place to offer 'feedback' on someone's social habits or personality traits? Would you do this with other staff. Comment on things that directly affect performance, well being and effectiveness at work. Has the person ever sought out advice from you about any of these things. It's common, especially for women not to be diagnosed until adulthood if ever as the presentation is very different in females. You could try to open a conversation on how you can help the person achieve goals and if they identify any of these things as something they'd like advice with then you could have a conversation that will support.

Why would you need to speak to occupational health or HR?

I’m not judgemental in the least. I want to help them get on in their career. They have bag loads of potential but this is likely to hold them back. A lot of what they need to do hinges on building relationships and this is how they get results/achieve the goals. If they are unable to have a normal social conversation with people they need to interact with, they won’t be able to progress in their career. So yes, it will affect their effectiveness at work.

Does the first and I'd say only conversation that needs to happen here is asking them if they want to progress?
Some people are just happy where they are and don't aspire to get high up etc.

If he is meeting his targets, doing well in his work then I don't see why you would need to get involved/get people involved in his social skills.

I thought OH or HR might be able to offer advice and maybe have dealt with something similar in the past.

Ffs.

And your social skills sound fantastic.

They definitely want to progress and are looking to leave on promotion within the next year. The social skills are impacting on their effectiveness because they appear to be incapable of holding a normal two way conversation. So it might go like this:

Employee: Oh hello Joan, I needed to speak to you about hosting an event for us next week. Did you have a good weekend? (No pause for a response) I went to a record fair because I collect 78s and there was one that I particularly wanted and I wanted a new stylus for my record player, not theXYZ one because that makes this funny crackly noise, but the ABC one is better… blah blah, stylus, noises, 78s, collection of old record players… By this point Joan will have glazed over or walked off. I’ll have them asked the employee if Joan can host our event and I’ll get “Oh I don’t know. She didn’t say.” And someone else will then need to speak to Joan and sort out the event.

@Summerbot70 so what would you say or suggest? You clearly don’t think I am up to the job.

Sounds like arranging for some coaching would be useful. There are companies who focus on coaching autistic employees, but I don’t know whether the lack of a formal diagnosis would be a barrier for this (I’ve had this myself at a couple of organisations and found it generally helpful)

I would think HR should be able to support you with the conversation with the employee, particularly if you’re coming at it from the angle of wanting to support the employee to do even better.

They would probably do much better with a different manager

Thank you @FieryPitOfMordor. That’s an excellent suggestion.

@AlternativelyWired should I just let them blunder on then, and wonder why they keep getting knocked back for promotion?

You’re ableist op.

Not sure why you're receiving all this hate. I worked in a job that hinged on networking. I wasn't suited to it so left but the incidents you describe sound like the sort of person who'd be shuffled out sideways without a second thought. I find it nice that you give enough of a shit to ask how to help the employee.

Blunder, drone, blah blah. Look at how you describe them. It's a shame this employee can't "normal up" to your liking. Would you talk like this about a wheelchair user and bemoan them not being able to join in a park run or similar? Or is that different? Autism is a disability so you don't get to judge their disability and find them lacking.

I had a similar situation OP. I never got help. Similar responses to you when I asked for it. I felt completely out of my depth with how to help them. Everything I tried backfired. They ended up super stressed, left the job, thanked me for being such a supportive colleague.

It was awful. I felt so guilty. I would have loved some advice on how to help, how to package work for them etc. They were very bright, really keen. I ran into their new boss a few weeks ago, sounds like the same thing is happening again.

I had no HR to ask as the company is too small. I was apparently a shit NT manager, as i was told when I asked for advice.

Thank you @starlingdarling.

@AchillesPoirot not sure where you get that from. I’m not remotely ableist, but I’d be interested to know what I’ve said that makes you think that. I want to help this person progress with their career, as they have a lot to offer. But this networking issue is one that they need to learn and manage. If they don’t, they will either make no progress or will be managed out at a later stage (but not by me).

Your op makes me think it. The way you speak about them is disparaging and nasty.

Its bloody offensive because the assumption is that in order to 'get on' in their job they need to conform to 'normal' social habits and they they need to change.
How about instead we all accept people as they are, even when they monologue, and treat people with respect even when they are different to us.

@AlternativelyWired you might not like that description but that is exactly how they come across. I am not judging their disability (but others certainly do). I am trying to help them navigate their way in the career that they have chosen.

Because if they have ASD then they have a difference in terms of social communication and therefore they cannot learn to manage it in the same way that someone who has no use of their legs cannot learn to manage the stairs. And actually what we do in that instance is put a ramp in place rather than tell them it's a shame they can't learn to walk but they now need to be managed out.

@MrsSnoops unfortunately in some jobs you do need to conform to what is the norm, and unfortunately for them this is one of them.

You are judging their disability because you are putting a value judgement on how they communicate and manage social situations. Maybe it's just a different way of doing it rather than being wrong.

The point is that you are starting from a point of how you communicate being the correct way and your colleague being incorrect. Where actually your way may be more common and therefore when you communicate with others in the same way you find more people like you, but it is no better or worse than anyone elses, it is simply more commonly found.

If everyone arounf you communicated like your colleague then you would be the disabled one not him.