Does anyone manage someone with autism? Looking for advice.

[MadameFantabulosa]

I manage someone who says they are “probably” autistic, but no formal diagnosis. They are quite quirky, bright and good at their job, but absolutely do not “get” social cues. For example they will drone on for hours about a niche subject that is only of interest to them, and don’t get that people are bored. They don’t have “two way conversations” - it’s a monologue, so the other person can’t get a word in edgewise and they never ask questions to get a two way flow. At social functions (we go to a lot of social functions, some quite formal), they don’t interact with other people, and don’t seem to understand when the event is over and they have to leave - eg pouring more drinks when everyone else has gone.

This behaviour will almost certainly hold them back in their career. But how to approach it? Via OH or HR? I don’t feel equipped for the conversation.

So their alternative would be to find another career, is that what you are saying? Because I would rather they didn’t leave, and am looking for a “ramp” to help them.

There is a board for neurodiverse MNers OP - you might want to ask on there and see if any of them can suggest how best to help your employee. It would be a shame if someone otherwise able was held back by poor social skills.

I remember having a manager who was really good at tackling this kind of thing at work. We used to have an intern every summer and he would talk to them about talking too loudly or not making eye contact or how they were dressed or whatever. I thought what a great manager he was, because this is difficult stuff to address, but so important for getting on in business and often people have no clue why they're not progressing and it can be things that are secondary to their actual work, but nevertheless really important for overall success.

I'm autistic and they could be signs.

As an excellent manager you should

• support them to get a formal diagnosis
• support them to make an application through Access to Work (DWP) for workplace supports
• educate yourself about autism so you can understand them better

Only a tiny percentage of autistic people are employed. The fact that any of us work at all is a bit of an achievement in itself. With support we have masses to offer.

They can't change. That is the whole point of asd , it's a difference is how the brain works . It's like asking you to breath out your ears. But without a formal diagnosis they aren't covered by disability legislation and aren't entitled to reasonable adjustments.
However someone with a valid diagnosis is not required to conform to the norm... talk like that will earn your employer a one way ticket to a discrimination tribunal. You need to stop trying to make square pegs fit in round holes.

Look at www.autism.org.uk
They have a section on managing people in employment.

I'm autistic. I've not coped with the social stuff at work (wfh now - it's fucking ace).

My employer has done lots of seminars internally trying to be a neurodiverse employer. Not sure it has actually changed anything, but good to identify.

Could you try HR as your first port of call? We can call and log HR issues, and depending on the complexity will get a response eventually

I am not the one who judges. Other people actively try to avoid this person at work meetings and social events. (I’ve heard them say “Oh god, X is coming in this direction. Let’s move, I don’t want to be talked at for an hour.) If they can’t manage a two way conversation, or learn that they should leave an event because everyone else has gone, the host wants to go home, and doesn’t want to stand there while they have another four beers because they can’t understand that the event is over and they need to leave.

@mrssnoops But the equivalent of that “ramp” might be help to improve their social communication. Not to make an employee NT or to communicate in a NT way, but to make them more effective using their own communication style.

I’m autistic and don’t communicate how someone NT would. I am also in a job that requires networking. I’ve had to learn how to do that in a way that works for me. OP’s employee might also be able to learn - but if they don’t realise how others “hear” them, they definitely can’t adapt. Everyone will have their own comfort level and capacity to do that, of course. But the employee might well want to try.

‘Joan’ sound likes talking to my son with ASD, you can’t coach the Autism out of them I’m afraid. We have worked very hard to improve his communication skills but there is a limit to his capabilities

Once diagnosed, they might get access to 'post diagnostic support' which will help with things like social skills. It's very generic and very basic but if someone has lived most of their lives not knowing that they're different they might never have thought about this stuff before. It's not necessarily your job as his manager to do this and it comes better in a peer group anyway.

Female autistics tend to fit in better because we mask more and observe and mimic behaviour.

Thank you to those who have been helpful - there have been a lot of useful suggestions here that I might not have considered.

*realise you didn't specify gender and that doesn't apply to all women. They're are some incredibly self aware male autistics and some tone deaf female autistics!

No, I can see how if the endless monologues are affecting their working time or other people’s, it could be an issue. I would approach it from the angle of ‘It’s great you have so many interests, but sometimes people are in a hurry and it slows things down a little. Do you think you could be a bit more concise so we can get things done as efficiently as possible?’

Is this another case of neurotypicals wanting to change autistics to be more acceptable to them?

@StopStartStop

Is this another case of neurotypicals wanting to change autistics to be more acceptable to them?

Except I'm sure we've all had that experience of someone with no social skills dominating the conversation, which isn't enjoyable for anyone. Autistic people don't like it either!

There's a theory that autistic people have no communication deficits when they communicate with each other and the problem is NT/ autistic communication as both parties don't understand each other. In my experience, that's true to an extent but learning better communication skills can benefit all of us. No-one wants to be boring other people or making them feel uncomfortable.

@StopStartStop

Is this another case of neurotypicals wanting to change autistics to be more acceptable to them?

Yip

There's a theory that autistic people have no communication deficits when they communicate with each other

I could introduce whoever came up with that theory to at least 2 autism groups that would rapidly disprove it 😂

I'm autistic and Im also a specialist social worker in a career that requires complex communication, networking, relationship building, critical and creative thinking and processing etc

while I completely agree and accept everyone on the spectrum is different and not everyone can work. Its absolute crap when people say they can't change and to offer coaching is abalist.

I have managed to progress and be promoted without support but my confidence was at rock bottom. My employer would tell me how laid back and confident I was, how I was the team peace keeper and I had consistently good appraisals but little did they know id go home and cry and I felt bitterly left out and lonely. I was the team peace keeper because I didn't understand the office gossip and sly remarks.
I then got promoted and met my new colleague and she coached me and allowed me to truly be myself at work. She has my back and she will explain the office social aspects I miss. She tells me how things might go at certain events so I'm prepared properly. I'm the opposite to your employee in that il take a back seat in meetings and I'm a quiet person so wouldn't start up conversations and just kept myself busy. My colleague has brought out my voice and provides me opportunities to share my opinions when we are in meetings together. She rings me after to explain points I may have missed. I owe her everything. She gains nothing by doing this. She is just a diamond of a person.

I never told anyone at work including managers and my employer I am autistic. Since I have felt able to open up more I have been turned down for two promotions without good reasons and that id have previously got without issue. I then went fir another promotion and I didn't tell the interviewer, I was offered the job/promotion (all internal promotions with the sane employer but different managers). People are so discriminatory despite claiming otherwise. Id advise your employee to keep it to herself and id advise you to support her quietly in the ways I have mentioned above.

Op thanks for being the person who gives a shit.

Can’t you just modify your expectations rather than trying to modify someone else’s behaviour?

@StopStartStop

Is this another case of neurotypicals wanting to change autistics to be more acceptable to them?

Unfortunately unless you are a lighthouse keeper you generally have to be able to collaborate with other people at work to be able to do the job effectively.

I have two ND children. I teach them about this sort of stuff stuff all the time and they are learning and developing and progressing all the time.

I knew how this thread was going to go when I read the title but OP I think it is great that you want to support your colleague with this. If you are genuinely kind and supportive towards your colleague and if you learn a bit more about their disability and try to give them very clear direction and very specific targets to meet then you will of course be able to help them to progress on their role which as their manager is of course part of your job. There of course will be limitations to that due to the condition.

@FieryPitOfMordor

There's a theory that autistic people have no communication deficits when they communicate with each other

I could introduce whoever came up with that theory to at least 2 autism groups that would rapidly disprove it 😂

😂

I'm in HR and have supported managers in similar situations.

I totally agreed with JulesRimet's advice.

If they've already told you they suspect they're autistic but don't have a diagnosis you could ask them if that's something they want to explore and ask HR/OH to support with that.

It's a good 'in' to a constructive conversation. Explore what support may be available from specialist organisations in your area such as coaching for your team member and advice/education for you too. Access to work may be able to help with funding.

Also I do teach and coach my autistic dc on social skills, social expectations and navigating the real world. I think its imperative. Of course we would all like to live in a world of acceptance and where every adapts to the needs of others but let's ne real and honest that will never be. ND people unfortunately have to learn to survive in this real world where stigma exists. To claim otherwise is ridiculous. Id love everyone to bend for my dc but I accept they won't so I prepare them for that.

I run a large cyber security team and there are quite a few team members with possible autistic traits. In the right role with the right support they have been huge assets to the team. I have one team member who I took on in his mid sixties. I could never put him in front of senior leadership but his ability with Excel and Visual Basic has transformed the work we are doing. I wonder if you should try looking at his role through a different lens? If he's not great at conversations can you adjust his role? Probably what we'd do in my org is encourage him to set up a lunchtime record fanciers meetup.