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If your DH is a high earner, what do you do?

268 replies

Bakereld · 14/07/2021 18:33

Hi all,

I'm wondering, if your DH/DP is a high earner (let's say £70Kish plus), what do you do?

Do you work part time? SAHM? Fulltime with lower/equal pay etc?

How did you decide on your working hours - was it to do with childcare/ or your DH wanting you to have less stress etc?

Thanks :)

OP posts:
Mollymalone123 · 15/07/2021 07:11

Dh works full time and always has done- I was at home with children then went back to work part time-one child who is disabled- work part time now (although more like full time due to unpaid work and commute) children all adults now-DH would rather I stopped work as I’m finding it increasingly difficult due to pain.I don’t want to stop work- I love my job but no option to cut my hours at the moment due to Covid restrictions in workplace.

It worked for both of us-he has always worked exceptionally long hours-and worked away a lot during our marriage
I took care of everything and he admits that it was a harder time for me with: kids-one who is disabled and in my own most of the time.But it worked because we are both independent but always had each other’s backs.Lots of marriages in the same industry fail sadly.

Lifeisaminestrone · 15/07/2021 07:20

I went back to work after mat leave part time.
Now full time and culminated in me earning more than him!!
£80k is a decent salary and / or household income but I don’t think significant enough to be a SAHP (I don’t think being a SAHP is good idea what ever your partner earns)

Auntycorruption · 15/07/2021 07:20

@Frustrated1234

Work 0.8 of week in stressful job plus do everything around the home and with pre school kid. No family help etc. On knees with tiredness and just feeling like a rat in a wheel. Made him get another job which will hopefully be fewer hours as my resentment at doing everything is growing and may strangle us soon. I’d rather work full time and share the life / house / child rearing load.
It's a relief to see the posts like this. The high earning duo 50:50 partnerships are way more common on MN than in real life I think. I see very few dads on the primary playground.

My H earns very well but is also chronically ill so will never manage work & domestic responsibilities there just isn't enough hours in the day. I've been busting my guts to keep my own professional career going plus all the housework etc but have got to the stage where I can't do it anymore, need to step back

SleepingWillow · 15/07/2021 07:38

Dh historically out earned me, think me on £30k him on £50k, that kind of gap. Both of us had high earning potential. Before we got married i told him I had no intention of giving up my career for marriage or children. He would have preferred that - all his friends' wives did that. Fast forward to now, we both carried on climbing the ladder and both earn 6 figures with me earning around £50k more than him. Both very present at home / have flexibility in our jobs, use after school club 3 times a week. I definitely do more of the running of the house though and am the general "stop work and go and pick up kids if the covid bubble bursts " person. I'm not entirely happy with that.

Bluntness100 · 15/07/2021 07:47

Me and DP are trying to retire early (FIRE), hence both working FT stressful jobs, but we are starting to wonder whether it is worth the stress, life is short etc.

You sure op? Your husbands considering giving up work or reducing his hours? Unusual for a young doctor. Do you not maybe mean you are thinking as he’s a higher earner you can reduce or give up work? Not him?

LemonRoses · 15/07/2021 08:10

HaveringWavering and PolkadotZebra.

Do you need to be rude? Do you not think parents should have the right information to make informed choices?

To give an analogy, why are we telling parents to cut grapes in half or to use suncream? The answer is because evidence shows that uncut grapes and sunburn cause damage. Suncream wasn’t really used much in my childhood, but it’s now seen as incredibly important to reduce sun damage because we know later on there is an increased risk of skin cancer. Should elderly parents feel bad if their, now, older adult child got skin cancer because they didn’t know the potential risks? No, we can only make decisions based on what we know.

We can pretend putting tiny infants into a room with 3.25m of floor space per baby being cared for by someone with quite basic qualifications who is also caring for three other babies is good for them, but common sense and evidence / research would suggest otherwise.

How is factual information harmful to decision making? I don’t think it’s about me justifying my position in a smug way. My children are grown now. I rather suspect it’s then other way around, isn’t it? Many children do OK, it’s true but statistically children are not better off in day care settings at a very young age or for extensive periods of time. Three mornings a week at three is very different to 7am - 6pm five days a week, isn’t it?
The sadness is many have very little choice - and that some choose not to be their child’s main carer (that last bit is my opinion).

Parents, of course have to make difficult decisions all the time. It’s better if they are informed by fact, no? Parents who choose daycare from a young age are doing what they believe is right for their families. I just think they are sold a myth that institutional care is easier or better for children. It’s not unless the family circumstances are poor and the child is living with significant disadvantage.

As examples, Among 5 to 9-year-olds, negative social-emotional outcomes not only persisted, but in some cases increased, as indicated by 24% increase in anxiety, a 19% increase in aggression, and a 13% in hyperactivity.

The Quebec study says, “By third grade, children who had experienced more hours of non-maternal care were rated by teachers as having fewer social skills and poorer work habits. More time in day care centers specifically predicted more externalizing behaviors and teacher conflict, too. Hours spent in day care centers specifically continued to predict problem behaviors into sixth grade. But by age 15, extensive hours before age four-an-a-half in any type of “nonrelative” care predicted problem behaviors, including risk-taking behaviors such as alcohol, tobacco, and drug use, stealing or harming property, as well as impulsivity in participating in unsafe activities, even after controlling for day care quality, socioeconomic background, and parenting quality.”

"The Long-Run Impacts of a Universal Child Care Program," 11/8/18 M. Baker, J. Gruber, & K. Milligan

www.aph.gov.au/DocumentStore.ashx?id=29ec4602-eee4-4f0a-b0dc-05e99971021a

The long-term consequences of infant day-care and mother-infant attachment
B Egeland 1 , M Hiester

Gah81 · 15/07/2021 08:21

DH earns 6 figures and so do I. I just about out-earn him (he is in his 50s and I am in my 30s so may well continue to out-earn him).

We do 50:50 household chores (we do have a cleaner) though if I am being honest, he probably does more than me so more like 55:45. He is just a bit more house-proud than I am.

moynomore · 15/07/2021 08:21

I'm the higher earner and my DH was a SAHD for a few years while the kids were really little (has them close together on purpose).

BigPyjamas · 15/07/2021 08:29

DH is a high earner, I'm in at over £70k but much less than him.

I work full time. DH would prefer part time but I don't want to.

I tried the SAHM thing and hated it. Much happier at work.

DH does 50:50 housework, and pays all the bills. I do all the planning and arranging, anything to do with childcare, children, morning school runs, food, shopping, domestic help, nanny. He does every morning on weekend and holidays. I'm mostly ok with the split.

Katefoster · 15/07/2021 08:35

We both work atm but I'm due with our first in December and we've decided I'm going to be a SAHM. It was a joint decision but ultimately made by my work being quite inflexible plus I absolutely hate my job and want to at least try being a SAHM

Shadedog · 15/07/2021 08:47

Was a SAHM from eldest being born until youngest started Y1. Then retrained and went into my current career and earn around £42k. I was very naive and thought I could go back to my original career after a break, and I didn’t enjoy being a sahm very much at all. It was easy and stress free but I didn’t like it. I wouldn’t recommend my own dc do what I did although it has worked out in the end and I really love my current job. DH has been able to take time out and take some risks with his business that he wouldn’t have been able to do without my income. On the other hand, when the children were small he wouldn’t have been able to run his business (nighttime economy) without the childcare flexibility that me not earning gave us (I could have made an effort and got some pt work but not stayed in my pre dc career). Where it’s really screwed me is pension. Frantically saving for retirement now. It also have been screwed if we’d split up before I’d retrained.

Babymeanswashing · 15/07/2021 08:58

To be fair to @LemonRoses she is entitled to feel as she feels.

I will work full time (though term time only) from September.

Dp did earn enough to allow me to stay home, and in addition to this I do actually own a property that generates some income so I could have possibly continued as a SAHM. Would that have been best for dd in the short term? Possibly (although there are nuances to situations, such as for instance DP works from home and I do find it a bit stifling) but I made my decision not based on what’s best for baby DD but what’s best for the whole family.

If I die my family get a payout and any children a pension as long as they are in FT education.

I will be able to drop a couple of days next year, making it all so much more manageable.

I do feel there are benefits to nurseries. Good nurseries. You have to shop around.

Living isn’t cheap. I want DD to go to university and not leave saddled with debt. I want her to be able to buy a property.

So on balance a year in FT childcare has benefits that reach far.

1940s · 15/07/2021 09:13

I earn more than him. He earns about 70 and I earn more

Twilightstarbright · 15/07/2021 09:36

I’m the type MN warns against.
DH on 180k plus bonus, I’m a SAHM. I do all the house/child stuff outside of preschool hours. We move countries for DHs job, and both DS and I have chronic health issues that require about 4 appointments a week.

DH and I are a team and acknowledge that we couldn’t do what we do without each other. Prior to having DS I earnt 25k in a job I hated. I’d like to retrain at some point when my health stabilises.

readingismycardio · 15/07/2021 09:38

Also full time, pretty high salary (not as high as his but hoping to get there). He's in IT, which is a great field to be in.

BiddyPop · 15/07/2021 09:40

I work FT on what is not far short of your high earning figure. DH currently earns nearly double what I do but is looking to change to something not much above me (and I'm still aiming to get promoted to that same level).

We have always both worked, he has always been ahead of me as he started working a couple of years before me, but we've always been fairly equal in sharing household chores and childcare. Including covering illness, dropping to/from childcare, and if anything he is doing the lions share as she's a teen and needs a taxi service.

bjjgirl · 15/07/2021 09:41

Detective in the police, earning bugger all compared to banker dp working twice the hours
For a third of his pay

wherethewillowsgrow · 15/07/2021 09:42

Quite a pertinent and timely thread for me. SAHM to Primary aged DC and fast morphing into an amalgamation of all the Desperate Housewives. Think yoga in the lounge and producing complicated meals no-one wants to eat. By contrast, DH's career has soared and he's now on, including bonuses and shares, maybe ten times my salary when I left paid employment a decade ago. I don't regret being a SAHM when the kids were small, but boy do I need something else now. Trouble is that, due to the nature of DH's job, anything I do will have to fit around the housework and the DC. Not quite what I envisaged for myself when I threw that mortar board into the air on graduation day! I sometimes wonder whether I might've been better off in the 1950s. At least there would've been more women like me around.

Willwebebuyingnumber11 · 15/07/2021 09:56

@wherethewillowsgrow if it helps, you sound just like me so you’re not alone.
I actually really enjoy it, even though we aren’t supposed to!

wherethewillowsgrow · 15/07/2021 10:10

@Willwebebuyingnumber11
Thank you 😁

HaveringWavering · 15/07/2021 10:16

@LemonRoses

HaveringWavering and PolkadotZebra.

Do you need to be rude? Do you not think parents should have the right information to make informed choices?

To give an analogy, why are we telling parents to cut grapes in half or to use suncream? The answer is because evidence shows that uncut grapes and sunburn cause damage. Suncream wasn’t really used much in my childhood, but it’s now seen as incredibly important to reduce sun damage because we know later on there is an increased risk of skin cancer. Should elderly parents feel bad if their, now, older adult child got skin cancer because they didn’t know the potential risks? No, we can only make decisions based on what we know.

We can pretend putting tiny infants into a room with 3.25m of floor space per baby being cared for by someone with quite basic qualifications who is also caring for three other babies is good for them, but common sense and evidence / research would suggest otherwise.

How is factual information harmful to decision making? I don’t think it’s about me justifying my position in a smug way. My children are grown now. I rather suspect it’s then other way around, isn’t it? Many children do OK, it’s true but statistically children are not better off in day care settings at a very young age or for extensive periods of time. Three mornings a week at three is very different to 7am - 6pm five days a week, isn’t it?
The sadness is many have very little choice - and that some choose not to be their child’s main carer (that last bit is my opinion).

Parents, of course have to make difficult decisions all the time. It’s better if they are informed by fact, no? Parents who choose daycare from a young age are doing what they believe is right for their families. I just think they are sold a myth that institutional care is easier or better for children. It’s not unless the family circumstances are poor and the child is living with significant disadvantage.

As examples, Among 5 to 9-year-olds, negative social-emotional outcomes not only persisted, but in some cases increased, as indicated by 24% increase in anxiety, a 19% increase in aggression, and a 13% in hyperactivity.

The Quebec study says, “By third grade, children who had experienced more hours of non-maternal care were rated by teachers as having fewer social skills and poorer work habits. More time in day care centers specifically predicted more externalizing behaviors and teacher conflict, too. Hours spent in day care centers specifically continued to predict problem behaviors into sixth grade. But by age 15, extensive hours before age four-an-a-half in any type of “nonrelative” care predicted problem behaviors, including risk-taking behaviors such as alcohol, tobacco, and drug use, stealing or harming property, as well as impulsivity in participating in unsafe activities, even after controlling for day care quality, socioeconomic background, and parenting quality.”

"The Long-Run Impacts of a Universal Child Care Program," 11/8/18 M. Baker, J. Gruber, & K. Milligan

www.aph.gov.au/DocumentStore.ashx?id=29ec4602-eee4-4f0a-b0dc-05e99971021a

The long-term consequences of infant day-care and mother-infant attachment
B Egeland 1 , M Hiester

@LemonRoses there is a world of difference between the fact that a whole grape will choke a child and the findings of academic studies which suggest they will be psychologically harmed by going to nursery. I’m well aware of the various research that has been produced over the years but, unlike you, I am able to apply critical thinking to it, to understand where it may be flawed, motivated by political agendas or simply not universally applicable. You remind me of a religious evangelist, afraid that others will go to hell if they do not live according to your creed. The final sentence of that Australian paper you linked is, quite frankly, chilling:

“We are busily unmaking one of the proudest social achievements in the nineteenth century, which was to take married women out of the work force so they could devote themselves to family and children”.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 15/07/2021 10:22

Lemon, do you any social science training? Just randomly googling studies to support your own preferences isn’t actually how good policy is formed.

That PDF you linked isn’t a credible study. It’s a rant by an American hyperconservative Christian who doesn’t believe in evolution.

I think that reservations about the standard of nurseries are fine but rather than laying guilt trips on fellow mothers on chat sites online, concerns would be better aimed at government policies - increasing subsidies and demanding higher pay and standards - rather than on threads like this which are obviously intended to be about personal sharing.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 15/07/2021 10:24

It’s chilling because the guy isn’t a scientist! He’s some American evangelical!

HaveringWavering · 15/07/2021 10:42

@HoldMeCloserTonyDanza

It’s chilling because the guy isn’t a scientist! He’s some American evangelical!
Australian I believe. This is the problem with the Internet- people like that can publish nonsense and propaganda unheeded and people like @LemonRoses lap it up because it’s dressed up as “fact” with a load of “studies” cited. They then take it upon themselves to go out scaremongering and shaming on the back of it.

And to those who say “she’s entitled to her opinion”, there are ways and means of expressing opinions.

So compare “I read quite a lot of studies that suggested that being cared for at home was better than using childcare. Looking at my own particular circumstances, I decided on balance that that was what I would rather do.”

versus

“We decided to do that to ensure we could raise our children ourselves and ensure their needs were met. We were very fortunate to be able to avoid using nurseries and compromising their care and education.”

The latter is dripping with uncalled-for judgment of those who use nurseries.

HaveringWavering · 15/07/2021 10:43

And NB this is not AIBU, where posters actually ask to be judged.