If your DH is a high earner, what do you do?

[Bakereld]

Hi all,

I'm wondering, if your DH/DP is a high earner (let's say £70Kish plus), what do you do?

Do you work part time? SAHM? Fulltime with lower/equal pay etc?

How did you decide on your working hours - was it to do with childcare/ or your DH wanting you to have less stress etc?

Thanks :)

Oh I agree with that but sometimes … people want a row, @HaveringWavering

I know people who have six children who behave perfectly and manage twins and juggle them amazingly.

Most of us are mere mortals pottering along as best we can

No, that article is Australian but the guy who wrote it is an American who doesn’t believe in evolution.

Not the best source to cite when you’re hoping to make your personal opinion look like it’s backed up by “science”.

I'm the high earner. He works full time as a teacher. It really helps with my work commitments (travel, long hours) plus school holiday childcare. I've often said I couldn't do my job if he was in a different profession (I used to work away from home during the week).

I'd be so interested in (honest) answers to how much of the domestic responsibilities still fall on the woman in all of these dual high earning families

In our house, I can honestly say that it is shared equally. It‘a my responsibility to pay the cleaner and brief him as to what needs to be done each week, but DH does all the admin around nursery, we do equal drop offs and pickups so the nursery know us both equally. We don’t have a rota or formal division of chores, we just load the dishwasher, do a food shop or tidy around as and when needed. I care for DS on my non working day. I do a bit more cooking than DH because I enjoy it. I also buy DS’ clothes as I enjoy that, but DH will say things like “he is starting to outgrow those trousers”. We both do DS washing, and launder our own clothes. As I said before, it’s easier when you only have one child, less work to share around, and we have similar job levels with similar degrees of flexibility. But the important thing is that DH has zero preconceived ideas about what the woman’s role should be.

@Bluntness100
It's more common than it used to be in medicine. Burnout is a real issue atm in the nhs and many medics are more blunt about early retirement than they used to be. Basically if you piss on your workforce enough their loyalty is eroded and then pile on a really difficult couple of years and it's inevitable that people won't want to stay.

This isn’t an early retirement thing, the op is in her twenties, her husband about thirty.

@Bluntness100

This isn’t an early retirement thing, the op is in her twenties, her husband about thirty.

Where do you get that from? She says

“Me and DP are trying to retire early (FIRE)”

I’ve no idea what FIRE means though.

Her other posts. They are late twenties.

FIRE

Looks from this like the goal is to retire early, but in their thirties, so you are both right.

Fire means financial independence retire early, it’s a strategy of saving up to seventy percent of your earnings

The op is 28 I think.

I saw that
but essentially it is about early retirement and planning and seeing what's happening atm in that sector will influence how people plan to do that even in your 20s and 30s. Early retirement is going to take more planning for the current generation than it did for previous ones and that means considering it younger than before.
Just like some people have in their 20s/ 30s /40s have decided that they will take their careers abroad for better balance.

DH is on about 90k and I currently earn less than 1/5 of that (pro rata £30k job) running myself ragged trying to fit 5 days worth of work into 3 days, ferrying children to and from childcare and taking two days "off" to spend with them (DC are 18 months and just turned 3)

I am giving some serious consideration to leaving my current job and retraining as I don't think this is sustainable, but ultimately DH pays the bills so within our household his career has to be prioritised - admittedly this makes things very difficult for me at work! If the decision was based on purely what's best for an easy family life I'd not work, but I don't think I have it in me to be a SAHM (I consider that the harder option for sure - hats off to those of you who flourish in that role!)

versus

"We decided to do that to ensure we could raise our children ourselves and ensure their needs were met. We were very fortunate to be able to avoid using nurseries and compromising their care and education.”

The latter is dripping with uncalled-for judgment of those who use nurseries

But if they were her reasons she shouldn't have to tailor that to meet your approval of how she words them, if you feel judged, that's on you. In that statement she would be citing fact on what brought her to that decision.

If a working parent stated, as many do, I chose to do it as I couldn't be financially dependant on anyone, I don't want "pocket money", my child is more stable with a 2 parent income, is that condescending to a SAHP or is it just the truth that brought her to that decision ??

I struggle to see why the reasons a SAHP is one are always "condescending", or seen as trying to drag a working parent down, but when on the other foot the Working parent is just telling facts, it's very one sided.

@rubbletrouble

versus

"We decided to do that to ensure we could raise our children ourselves and ensure their needs were met. We were very fortunate to be able to avoid using nurseries and compromising their care and education.”

The latter is dripping with uncalled-for judgment of those who use nurseries

But if they were her reasons she shouldn't have to tailor that to meet your approval of how she words them, if you feel judged, that's on you. In that statement she would be citing fact on what brought her to that decision.

If a working parent stated, as many do, I chose to do it as I couldn't be financially dependant on anyone, I don't want "pocket money", my child is more stable with a 2 parent income, is that condescending to a SAHP or is it just the truth that brought her to that decision ??

I struggle to see why the reasons a SAHP is one are always "condescending", or seen as trying to drag a working parent down, but when on the other foot the Working parent is just telling facts, it's very one sided.

Because the implication in the sentence is that by a woman working she compromises her child’s education and care. This is not correct. Your other examples are not the same in any way,

Because the implication in the sentence is that by a woman working she compromises her child’s education and care. This is not correct. Your other examples are not the same in any way,

But if she feels that a nursery would compromise her child's education and care then she can say that. If she believes the child will learn more one on one at home with her and will be cared for better one on one by her, she can say that it would be compromised in another setting?

Just like some working parents infer that a SAHP is compromising its child's financial stability and doing it a disservice by not working ?

Then she needs to make it clear she’s talking about only her child. And that’s not her feelings about all kids, which is how it reads.

Throughout the statement, I read it that they are talking about themselves. They talk about "we" and "their" education.

So you would also agree that others should not say in the general term that working parents provide "better" in any way at all than others ,as they so frequently do on here, without anybody worrying it is is "throwing judgment" at SAHP.

Thank you @Bluntness100.
@rubbletrouble it must be nice for you to go through life believing the best of people and completely failing to notice when they are being snide and judgmental. Believe me, that poster knew exactly what she was saying.

And yes, of course I agree with your statement. However my point is that @LemonRoses mission to shame working parents is damaging to people who do not have the choice and also promotes an antiquated, misogynist world view that many have fought hard to overturn. My mother died completely unfulfilled because society said she should not work when I was a child. She told me so in no uncertain terms (when I was an adult, I would never have known as a child).

@HaveringWavering

Thank you *@Bluntness100*. *@rubbletrouble* it must be nice for you to go through life believing the best of people and completely failing to notice when they are being snide and judgmental. Believe me, that poster knew exactly what she was saying.

Oh no, please don't misunderstand me, that is not the case with me at all.

I can see when people are looking to be offended when non was intended, just for dramatic effect, when judgy comments are meant to drag others down and when people can't see the hypocrisy of their own criticisms.

I am pointing out an obvious difference in the reaction to peoples views.
A SAHP is judgy, pulling working women down etc when voicing an opioin but when a working parent passes theirs off as fact, it is absolutely fine.

I am sorry for your mother that must have been a horrible life, no one should ever be made to feel like they are forced to stay at home or go to work. That's why we should all strive to make either choice a valid one, not pull another down.

My mother died completely unfulfilled because society said she should not work when I was a child.

It would be an absolute travesty if we didn't learn from those times.

We don't want women of our times feeling like society is forcing them out to work when they don't want to be, the sooner it's not even a big conversation point by women, the better,

@HaveringWavering

However my point is that LemonRoses mission to shame working parents is damaging to people who do not have the choice and also promotes an antiquated, misogynist world view that many have fought hard to overturn.

It's quite uncomfortable reading this thread because you've launched quite a few personal attacks over a number of posts on lemonroses when, as far as I've seen, she's only referred to her own view about what she feels is best for her children.

I don't think it's an antiquated view to want to be at home with young children, and actually it's just as damaging to promote a view that all women should go back to work as soon as possible. It's an individual choice, and whichever choice a mother makes shouldn't be judged by others. It's great you're happy with your nursery and working, and that you have a 50/50 input to domestics with your husband, but people have all manner of different circumstances and make different choices. Be happy with yours and they can be happy with theirs.

*So compare “I read quite a lot of studies that suggested that being cared for at home was better than using childcare. Looking at my own particular circumstances, I decided on balance that that was what I would rather do.”

versus

“We decided to do that to ensure we could raise our children ourselves and ensure their needs were met. We were very fortunate to be able to avoid using nurseries and compromising their care and education.”

The latter is dripping with uncalled-for judgment of those who use nurseries.*

It seems like you're actively choosing to take personal offence to this. "Dripping with judgment"? Seems a bit of a stretch.

My dh earns around that figure, I earn slightly more, but I only work 4 days per week term time only.

We never really had a conversation tbh. I just decided I would work those hours as it suited me and what I wanted to achieve. We have separate accounts anyway so contribute equally to the family pot.

My husband earns that plus, I earn roughly half in a stressful job. BUT when the children were younger I did 3 days and had 2 maternity leaves, and have only in the past 2 years have I progressed. If we hadn't had kids I'd be earning the same as him.