If your DH is a high earner, what do you do?

[Bakereld]

Hi all,

I'm wondering, if your DH/DP is a high earner (let's say £70Kish plus), what do you do?

Do you work part time? SAHM? Fulltime with lower/equal pay etc?

How did you decide on your working hours - was it to do with childcare/ or your DH wanting you to have less stress etc?

Thanks :)

HaveringWavering I’m not sure I attacked anyone’s choice. I talked about my thoughts. Sadly, I think few women actually get much choice nowadays and two incomes are often needed. Do I think care by a parent is preferable to institutional care? Yes absolutely. Can separate create problems? Yes, absolutely.

I think a lot of couples, particularly those with significant outgoings a little family support can afford to take a year on statutory maternity pay that only covers 39 weeks.

Extensive and early daycare does predispose children to later psychological harm. Not my view but extensive research. The children who benefit are those from chaotic and inadequate homes who are given access to early intervention programmes. The benefits are not replicated in universal day care provision for children from less challenging circumstances.

@LemonRoses

Extensive and early daycare does predispose children to later psychological harm. Not my view but extensive research. The children who benefit are those from chaotic and inadequate homes who are given access to early intervention programmes. The benefits are not replicated in universal day care provision for children from less challenging circumstances.

Give it a rest with the sanctimony. Perhaps a top and have a think about how many people on this forum use nurseries and how they might feel to be told by you that they have caused psychological damage to their children. You may believe that, on balance, you’d prefer not to use childcare for your own children. That does not mean that doing so is neglectful parenting and to perpetuate that opinion in such a pointed way does women a disservice.

Also - yes everyone has the right to a year off on maternity. Far from everyone can actually afford to take that whole year, so perhaps step out of your bubble on that one.

This thread is about choices made by couples with a minimum household income of 70k.

I think lemonroses was making a point about what they think about nursery, not attacking anyone. It's odd when people who state their own opinion on a topic with no reference to any individual are then deemed to be personally attacking someone who actively chooses to take offence to it.

You are completely missing the point @snowballer. This was the opposite of a personal attack, it was a generalised attack on a huge number of parents.

I'd be so interested in (honest) answers to how much of the domestic responsibilities still fall on the woman in all of these dual high earning families

Honest answer is logistics are genuinely split equally, BUT I do things to a much higher standard.

E.g. if there’s a birthday party I’ll ensure handwritten/decorated cards; beautifully wrapped presents. DH would be more inclined to bung £20 in a card. Or if there’s a bake sale I’ll make fussy homemade cupcakes, whereas he might send a box from Waitrose.

Nothing will go wrong when DH is in charge but he won’t necessarily match the optimal standard. He couldn’t care less. But because I’m a woman, who feels judged for her career decisions I don’t feel I can get away with some of the common place shortcuts which are so easy for men.

DH earns a decent amount. I could have done same but chose to prioritise kids (now grown up, 2 still living at home, one working, one student). I work 2 days a week in term time and spend a lot of time volunteering. DH does all the outside stuff (garden, cars) and I do most of the inside stuff. Everyone does their own laundry and we share the cooking. Works for us.

We both work FT and both earn more than 70K.

Split stuff 50/50 ish but with areas of expertise eg I do the laundry he does the cooking.

Dh and I are both high earners who chose to use nurseries for both our dcs. No way would I want to stay at home and 'prioritise' my dcs or spare them 'later psychological harm'. That is hilarious but I guess some people take it seriously.

Dh and I have an equal relationship. He does not bear the bulk of the breadwinning. He helps out equally in the household. The children have seen us model this relationship which does not rely on a division of labour along male/female stereotypes.

The children will also have a very healthy leg up financially once they start university. In fact, they have attended private education their whole life so university is actually cheaper for us. I suppose their mental health must have suffered. We make up for it in other ways

Both work FT and both high earners. I could only take 4 months mat leave, we’ve used a combination of daycare, or full time helpers.

Both high earners, both full time.

Most people I know are in a similar situation. I work with a few high-earning men whose wives don’t work, including one whose wife stopped working when they got married (no children). My experience has been that these men are hard to supervise. Their attitude towards woman is…..not great. They have ideas about where women should be, and it’s not working as their superior.

God. What a depressing post. Why should someone's husband be the higher earner?

@HaveringWavering

Also - yes everyone has the right to a year off on maternity. Far from everyone can actually afford to take that whole year, so perhaps step out of your bubble on that one.

This thread is about choices made by couples with a minimum household income of 70k.

Which often means they cannot afford to take very long off work as they have high mortgage payments etc to pay. What an absurd comment.

@HaveringWavering

We decided to do that to ensure we could raise our children ourselves and ensure their needs were met. We were very fortunate to be able to avoid using nurseries and compromising their care and education.

@LemonRoses how sad for you that the childcare on offer was so very bad wherever you live. We were very fortunate to use an amazing nursery that have enriched and educated our son way beyond what we were capable of. The myth that using childcare is detrimental to the child is what keeps many women chained to the kitchen sink.

@LemonRoses has form on here for making comments like this, trying to make parents who work feel bad as though they're somehow damaging their children by allowing them experiences at nursery or with nannies etc. I've seen them weigh in on so many of those threads aimed at making working mothers (never fathers) feel guilty. I get the feeling they are desperate to justify their own choices to themselves, best ignored.

DH earns more than 7 x what I do. ! work 4 days a week. I have a decent job too, but when a 4 days a week job came up I applied for that because obviously losing one days pay for me has very little financial impact overall. I like my job though, so I wouldn't like to reduce further even though we don't need the money.

I work FT, good but stressful career, high earning potential too, not quite there just yet but well on my way!

OP, look at sorting out your internal misogyny and you might find that you’re better able to realise that potential.

Mine is but I earn about a third more in 4 than he does in 5. It’s good that I can do 4 days and that helps. Post covid we plan to take turns to work from home and do the pick ups.

Each to their own but personally not keen on early retirement. Like my job and will probably be doing it to 70 if I can!

I'm a high earner too 🤷‍♀️ I don't even earn half of what he does, though. But I still earn six figures. We both work, we both cook, we both do school pick ups etc. I worked less in the early years of childcare, but always worked. I would be bored out of my brain not working. Full time parenting I found boring and lonely. I've always been a super hands-on parent: breastfed into toddlerhood, co-slept etc., but I needed to use my brain in the way I love to, not just singing Humpty Dumpty all day.

@HaveringWavering

Also - yes everyone has the right to a year off on maternity. Far from everyone can actually afford to take that whole year, so perhaps step out of your bubble on that one.

This thread is about choices made by couples with a minimum household income of 70k.

People live within their means. If you're on a 70k salary than have to survive on £600 a month for a year I can imagine that would be nigh on impossible for most families.

@snowballer

I'd be so interested in (honest) answers to how much of the domestic responsibilities still fall on the woman in all of these dual high earning families. Who gets the call from school when they're ill/banged their head? Who does the dentist appointments/kids party presents/buying new clothes/back to school shopping etc. Also, who organises and admins the childcare that allows both parties to work to this level? I'd bet the answer to most is the mother (although plenty will swear it's 50/50. When I worked full time it was 0/100 (no prizes for guessing who was 0 and who was 100).

I think it genuinely is pretty 50:50

I mostly do the kids clothes and toys - getting rid of outgrown stuff, buying more

DH does their shoes

DH does childcare admin, I have no idea how the tax free childcare thing works

Our older one has a lot of medical appointments, we split these

We take turns on sick days for the kids - they do call me first but that doesn't mean it has to be me who goes.

Overall, I think I do more home stuff - I care more about keeping the house clutter free - and I tend to think ahead more but DH does almost all of the life admin

Our family dynamics change based on circumstances. (how surprising)
Apart from a few years where I was not working due to medical reasons, no matter which one of us earned more the other worked usually full time. Basically because we both have careers, like what we do and want to progress. I have never took time off because he was earning enough for the both of us.
And chores/childcare was also never about who earns how much. It was always about who has more time or is more flexible. There were many months when H earned about 2x as me, yet he did all school runs as his job was wfh - many years ago. Everything else was my duty at the time.
Now he earns more than 2x my pay, but my job -in reality- although full time only takes about max 4 hrs a day, I do everything. But when I will need to travel for a week regularly every month* he will pick up everything for that week without a word.
*not sure if this will be this year.....

DP earns just over £80,000. Our situation is a bit strange though as I was head of a core department in a secondary school, earning around £50,000.

They wouldn’t let me go back part time and in any case it was a bit far to commute once I had DD. So I resigned and had to job hunt with a newborn - that was interesting

I’ve managed to get a job at a local school as a regular teacher which is great but I’m not looking forward to full time. Hoping to ask to drop a day or two next year.

I work full time, term time only for about a third of his pay. We couldn't afford for me to be a sahm and we live in a cheap area of the UK.

@StepladderToHeaven

I was a SAHM when the DC were pre schoolers. Went back to work when they started school.

I'm part time (0.7 FTE) in a fairly well paid (but a lot less than DH) professional role. I love my job, but I do really like the fact that DH's salary allows me to be part time. Fridays off and a little bit of flexibility on the other four days is fab!

If DH and I ever split up (not on the cards as far as I know!) I'd be able to go full time and earn a fairly decent amount so I don't consider myself to be financially vulnerable.

This is me too. Long time SAHM but going back to work flexibly is ‘insurance’ for anything happening to dh or to the marriage. The status of my job makes dh happy too as we chat about things and the dynamic is much better.