If your DH is a high earner, what do you do?

[Bakereld]

Hi all,

I'm wondering, if your DH/DP is a high earner (let's say £70Kish plus), what do you do?

Do you work part time? SAHM? Fulltime with lower/equal pay etc?

How did you decide on your working hours - was it to do with childcare/ or your DH wanting you to have less stress etc?

Thanks :)

IME most high earning men have high earning partners. Maybe that’s just my social circles though.

@snowballer

No sugar coating it here - I manage our lives and it is exhausting. DH has some (managed) MH issues but would simply not cope with organising to the scale I do outside of his work (I am naturally very organised);

Calls from school - 100% me
Appointments / kids party presents - 100% me
Buying clothes/back to school - 80% me
Childcare arrangements / cleaner - 100% me
Cooking / shopping - 90% me

Husband does all DIY / house design, some holiday planning, gardening. Not balanced in any way really (and clearly no 1950s gender stereotyping here either 😆)

This list has promoted me to outsource the end of year teacher thank you to my DH 😂

I met my DH late in life, so was already pretty advanced in my career. It was just too late to ever consider giving up that income and sense of identity that my job gave me. DH was at a similar career stage and we liked the idea of the life that our dual income could buy us. We only have one child (due to only meeting when I was late thirties) so it’s been fairly easy to work and pay for childcare as and when. I did go down to 4 days a week but was senior enough that this still pays me only marginally less than DH earns for full time. I’m not sure that I’d be a very interesting wife without my work and DH would not thrive as a SAHD. We’re happy that our son gets everything he needs without either of us giving up work.

@Mansplainee

IME most high earning men have high earning partners. Maybe that’s just my social circles though.

Mine too. The old model of successful man with a “little wife” at home is rare now. Many couples met at university and both being professionals is an important thing that the have in common.

@snowballer

I'd be so interested in (honest) answers to how much of the domestic responsibilities still fall on the woman in all of these dual high earning families. Who gets the call from school when they're ill/banged their head? Who does the dentist appointments/kids party presents/buying new clothes/back to school shopping etc. Also, who organises and admins the childcare that allows both parties to work to this level? I'd bet the answer to most is the mother (although plenty will swear it's 50/50. When I worked full time it was 0/100 (no prizes for guessing who was 0 and who was 100).

All the calls from school go to DH. They don't have my number.

I do do more of the routine kids admin - dentist appointments, haircuts, clothes buying. However, he does all of the admin on our childcare. He also does all the meal planning and shopping, 95% of the cooking, and most of the laundry.

We are both are high earners - and have both worked full time / part time and had periods of time off (mat leave for me, planned career break / furlough for him).
He's very much a hands on parent and partner but I work full time hours over three days and he works 5 days.
It means I do more houseadmin on my days off but he does more school runs etc when I'm working.
I'm much more senior but this set up works for me and him

PS My husband gets calls from school on days I work and I take them on days I don't work. I specified it on the form and they seem to respect it - although may think we are separated

I'm full me and I significantly out-earn him. although I seem to end up doing 90% of the life/children admin

Part-time secondary school teacher (0.7) - work 5 days a week but this means I rarely have to work evenings or weekends.

What a wonderfully 1950s thread! I love that the only options you give are SAHM, part time or full time but on similar or lower income than DH.

What about those women who earn more than their husbands?

I work part time and earn more than my husband does full time (both earn £100k plus). We share childcare 50/50 (apart from my non working day). We're a team. We worry about each other's happiness and stress levels and give each other support accordingly. There may be a time when one of us earns considerably more than the other, but it's not a given that it'll be him

Work 0.8 of week in stressful job plus do everything around the home and with pre school kid. No family help etc. On knees with tiredness and just feeling like a rat in a wheel. Made him get another job which will hopefully be fewer hours as my resentment at doing everything is growing and may strangle us soon. I’d rather work full time and share the life / house / child rearing load.

SAHM.

We decided to do that to ensure we could raise our children ourselves and ensure their needs were met. We were very fortunate to be able to avoid using nurseries and compromising their care and education.

@LemonRoses how sad for you that the childcare on offer was so very bad wherever you live. We were very fortunate to use an amazing nursery that have enriched and educated our son way beyond what we were capable of. The myth that using childcare is detrimental to the child is what keeps many women chained to the kitchen sink.

That’s some serious internalised misogyny there in your OP.

I remember sharing an office with a very nice young colleague who was about to get married to a teacher. He did really well and was promoted to management level a few years after I was. We were in different offices by then but met for a catch up and I asked him how it was all going. He said it was great as he’d always wanted to earn enough so that his wife didn’t have to work. I was absolutely appalled by this and have never seen him in the same light since.

@HaveringWavering why were you absolutely appalled? If that's what he wanted, and she wanted, why would that invoke such a strong reaction in you? People are different!

[quote snowballer]@HaveringWavering why were you absolutely appalled? If that's what he wanted, and she wanted, why would that invoke such a strong reaction in you? People are different! [/quote]
It wasn’t anything to do with what she wanted. It was his ambition to have a wife who did not work.

A status symbol for him, IYSWIM.

We both earn much more than £70K. Me less than dh but steady because I am in ft employment. DH works ft but part of it is self-employment so his income can fluctuate but he generally will outearn me.

We can retire early but keep on the threadmill to set our dcs up for the future. Dd looks like she may not be as self-sufficient as ds as she intends to go into a creative career.

@HaveringWavering

We decided to do that to ensure we could raise our children ourselves and ensure their needs were met. We were very fortunate to be able to avoid using nurseries and compromising their care and education.

@LemonRoses how sad for you that the childcare on offer was so very bad wherever you live. We were very fortunate to use an amazing nursery that have enriched and educated our son way beyond what we were capable of. The myth that using childcare is detrimental to the child is what keeps many women chained to the kitchen sink.

Did I say they were bad? Ours had access at a developmentally appropriate age to good nursery education for a length of day they could cope with. It was an activity not a lifestyle. I dislike full-time long daycare for tiny children. I believe it is detrimental unless their patents are struggling to provide for them. Certainly under a year may well inhibit proper attachment to an individual. I suspect it has something to do with increasing parental and child anxiety levels. I also don’t think institutional care can replace parenting.

Nothing to do with childcare and everything to do with prioritising our children’s needs.

@Whoarethewho

There again I ain't marrying them untill it becomes less of a financial risk and that happens when partners have equal wealth and income.

So loving! 💕💕💕

Did I say they were bad? Ours had access at a developmentally appropriate age to good nursery education for a length of day they could cope with. It was an activity not a lifestyle.

@LemonRoses I was being sarcastic in response to your insufferably smug declaration that using nurseries harms children.

Anyone who works in the U.K. has the right to a year’s maternity/shared parental leave so nobody is suggesting that choosing not to become a SAHM means you have to put a child in nursery under the age of one.

There is no need to attack other people’s choices- fine, talk about your own, but do so in a way that recognises others may make different ones without harming their children.

I've always worked P/t, I was fortunate to have a flexible job that I could fit around dc and he travelled/worked long hours so it was something we decided would work for us.

@HaveringWavering

Did I say they were bad? Ours had access at a developmentally appropriate age to good nursery education for a length of day they could cope with. It was an activity not a lifestyle.

@LemonRoses I was being sarcastic in response to your insufferably smug declaration that using nurseries harms children.

Anyone who works in the U.K. has the right to a year’s maternity/shared parental leave so nobody is suggesting that choosing not to become a SAHM means you have to put a child in nursery under the age of one.

There is no need to attack other people’s choices- fine, talk about your own, but do so in a way that recognises others may make different ones without harming their children.

I think lemonroses was making a point about what they think about nursery, not attacking anyone. It's odd when people who state their own opinion on a topic with no reference to any individual are then deemed to be personally attacking someone who actively chooses to take offence to it.

Also - yes everyone has the right to a year off on maternity. Far from everyone can actually afford to take that whole year, so perhaps step out of your bubble on that one.

I’m on more than that myself. He is on more than double what I earn. We both work.