DP landed a promotion now i have to change my job

[Happyfuture]

My DP has recently been offered a huge promotion, which means he will be working in another county so his commute will be much longer.
During lockdown I had to move stores or face redundancy, the area I work in has no public transport around the hours I need to travel (rural area buses run between 1 to 2 hours apart).
I dont drive due to a disability so DP usually drops me off and picks me up before and after he has to work.
This won't be feasible now due to the change. I love my job and colleague's and I make decent money and work full time. I dont want him to turn the promotion down as it will make his career and earn him a fair whack more than atm, but I cant help feeling a little disappointed and annoyed that I have to give up a great job and wonderful people who I really enjoy working with. In the town I live, full time jobs are really hard to come by, so whatever extra he will earn if I change jobs and end up with a part time position the extra money will land us in the same financial bracket as we were before. Am I wrong for feeling like my career is worth less than his and that I should sacrifice a wonderful workplace so his career can flourish??

What would you do if he died? How would you get anywhere? This situation needs long term planning.

That's a lot for a taxi. Do you know anyone locally who might do this for less?

I can’t drive due to an eye condition, and I couldn’t set myself up to rely solely on lifts, it’s not sustainable as you are now finding out.

Lots of people have mentioned access to work, if you have a disability and there is no public transport available there is a good chance that they will pay the difference between PT and taxis. You will need three written quotes from taxi firms. Normally you pay upfront and claim it back monthly so it does rely on you having the money upfront. It’s also painfully slow to be reimbursed so be prepared for that.

Your other options are talking to your employer about reasonable adjustments due to your disability. This could be a change of hours to when transport / lifts are available or change of store, if there isn’t one available in your town is there a town that it better accessible by public transport e.g. train? Another option would be to work fewer longer days to minimise your travel costs.

Other options are to look for a new job, one which is more local to you, or in a town that is more accessible.

Look at moving house, somewhere with strong transport links and plenty of opportunities nearby.

The latter is what I have done, we paid a premium for our house to be 5 minutes walk from a train station that will take me to Manchester /Warrington / Liverpool easily. I would have loved to live in one of the posher areas of Greater Manchester, but transport links have to take priority.

There must be a solution to this so you can both be happy. All the best.

@GilbertsLuckySocks

It’s rubbish isn’t it.

I was offered a dream job a couple of weeks ago after a year on furlough, but had to decline as there was just no way I could do the very early start time because my kids just can’t get themselves up and to school in the mornings, and my husband by his own admission isn’t good in the mornings, so couldn’t do the morning school run for me. He’s self employed so can get up when he likes really, but a part of me will always feel disappointed that he didn’t want to step up for it.

I now work 6 days a week evening shifts in a warehouse and the physical side of the job is crippling.

Wtf did I just read? Are you absolutely serious?

@GilbertsLuckySocks

It’s rubbish isn’t it.

I was offered a dream job a couple of weeks ago after a year on furlough, but had to decline as there was just no way I could do the very early start time because my kids just can’t get themselves up and to school in the mornings, and my husband by his own admission isn’t good in the mornings, so couldn’t do the morning school run for me. He’s self employed so can get up when he likes really, but a part of me will always feel disappointed that he didn’t want to step up for it.

I now work 6 days a week evening shifts in a warehouse and the physical side of the job is crippling.

I’m sorry but this is really really really awful.

My husband is “not good in the mornings” as well (frankly absolutely awful, like a zombie) but he gets up and leaves every day by 7am to drop our DC off at 7.30am, to get to his work by 8.30am. And then does the reverse after work every day. It’s called being a parent. The fact that your husband is self-employed with no time restraints makes it even worse really.

I would be beyond disappointed if this was my husband. I hope you can find a way of getting your dream job back

Definitely try Access to Work.
Also, is there any chance of a transfer to another store? (I suspect not if there were redundancy issues, but thought I'd ask).

Honestly, I would move. I have a medical condition that means I can't drive for months at a time. I don't live somewhere with no public transport for this reason. You don't have to live in a town - I live in a rural area, but on a good bus route. I would hate being dependent on my DH for lifts.

The OP says it's the job that's in a rural location with poor transport, not where they live. I live in a small, rural town. It has reasonable public transport links but there are large out-of-town industrial estates and shopping centres in the area that you cannot get to often on public transport. The buses might exist but too infrequently for staff.

OP it might be worth contacting Unison, since they're aware that lockdown actually benefited many people with disabilities www.unison.org.uk/news/press-release/2020/08/give-disabled-people-right-work-home-covid-19-says-unison/

@GilbertsLuckySocks You should start a thread with that. I think you'd get a unanimous LTB.

my husband by his own admission isn’t good in the mornings, so couldn’t do the morning school run for me. He’s self employed so can get up when he likes really
That's inexcusable. How appalling. Can you imagine the opprobrium if a woman said she wouldn't do the school run because of not being good in the mornings?
I'd tear my DP a new one if he tried anything like that.

Your career is not worth less. Both of your lives and your needs are of equal value. Sometimes a lower paid job is worth it because it fulfills our needs more than extra money does.
Your kids are nearly adult. Does your husband really 'need' to take this promotion right now?
It's both of your problem to solve. Don't just roll over and allow him to take this promotion. Either you solve your transport problem together or he doesn't take the promotion. Why he is more entitled to moving along in his career than you? He's not. Only if you remain passive and do nothing. Don't take the victim role, it keeps you stuck.
Find a solution together. But you keep your job that you love.

*MichelleScarn

But op made the decision to take the job that relied on her dp?

@ChairOnToast No, she took the only full time job she could find in a very rural area with no public transport. She didn’t exactly have much choice in the matter. Most couples would be happy to help eachother out with transport, especially if one had a disability. Decisions that upset the balance need to be made jointly. One person can decide that the other person is no longer able to work (not that I completely agree that OP has no alternatives- several have been outlined up-thread).*

I didn't read it as the only job? Ops job has actually moved branches as her original one has closed, so it may be the only one for THAT company in that location, but there may be other companies that she could look at in other locations?

@Happyfuture Do you claim PIP for your disability? If not it's worth looking into. It could be a bit of money towards getting to work.

I hadn't heard of the Access to Work thing but that sounds really promising too.

Definitely apply to Access to Work.

Employee is my last company had taxi's refunded to and from home to train station and to work at other end. Plus a part time support worker 10 hours per week. Not for personal care, for helping with work related activities she found too physically difficult.

Process seemed pretty simple, all she needed was to fill in a form and provide something from her medical professionals confirming the impact of her condition (MS) on her capabilities. If I recall it's a claimable thing i.e. you pay up front then claim the funds back but that also seemed fairly straightforward.

OP, speaking as someone who also has disabilities, you're really not being selfish. I do agree it's a difficult situation but you're getting some good advice. Just ignore the few nasty ableist comments, it never ceases to amaze me how mean some people on here can be about disability.

Hope you can manage to sort something that works all round.

I don't know why everyone is saying move, OP has said that she lives in a town but the job is in a very rural area.

I see that the Access To Work scheme has been suggested. They were going to pay for taxis to work for me when `I was unable to drive and my husband wasn't here to drive me. Definitely worth asking about.

Is there any chance you'd be able to drive an adapted car, if you were to learn to drive?

No, she took the only full time job she could find in a very rural area with no public transport. She didn’t exactly have much choice in the matter. Most couples would be happy to help eachother out with transport, especially if one had a disability. Decisions that upset the balance need to be made jointly. One person can decide that the other person is no longer able to work (not that I completely agree that OP has no alternatives- several have been outlined up-thread).

I do agree that it sounds like OP didn't have much choice when it came to taking this job as she said it was due to store closure and possible redundancy.

BUT her ability to accept this job depended on her partner's job naturally allowing for him to give her a lift at that time. That's not the same thing as him having to turn down promotions in his own job in order to be able to give her a lift.

I think it is hugely unfair to expect the DP to turn down more money and a better job purely to continue giving OP a lift, just because that has been possible for the last few months. It's not something that was agreed would always be the case, it's something that happened during lockdown due to necessity and convenience and now it's just not workable anymore.

I currently drop my DP at the tube station when he goes into the office as it's a better and cheaper journey for him than going from our mainline station. However, if I was offered a job where I had a long commute so would no longer be able to do that, I wouldn't even consider that I couldn't accept due to having to drop my DP off. It's on him to manage how he gets to and from his own job, and if it's not workable then he would need to change his job, not me.

I understand there are extra complexities here due to OP's disability - potentially this means it would be difficult for her to use public transport or perhaps it is something that just purely affects her ability to hold a driving license. But while I do completely sympathise I think it's unfair and unrealistic to expect someone not to accept a promotion based on having to give their partner a lift to work.

@Happyfuture

It works out at 150 a week for taxis. No staff members live nearby so Carshare isn't an option. And no train station to the area I work. I know I sound so selfish but we've been together 20 years and my career always had to take a backseat to his or the kids needs. We have three almost adult children and I spent 10 years working part time positions to keep childcare costs low. The last 9 years I've worked full time and juggled it all, and finally felt I was getting somewhere career wise, finally started earning almost as much as him and that even tho I rely on him to take and bring me back (only at this job as its so rural) I finally felt like I was on his wavelength where work was concerned. I'm obviously being a little selfish where my feelings are concerned

You aren't being selfish! It's time for the family to pull together to make this work for you as you've done all the sacrificing before. Do not give up your job!

What does your partner say about the situation?

I would expect him to offer his promotion money to pay the taxi rides to and from your work, as a minimum. Maybe a discussion about moving nearer town/work.

I hope your partner is supportive and you sort something out together

@Happyfuture It isn’t selfish at all. I really think you need to just accept and factor in taxis as commuting costs (certainly for now to enable you to keep this job for the time being). My daughter used to pay that on her train cost per month before lockdown happened. Consider it a worthy use of money to keep you engaged in a job that you love, protecting your income, and contributing to your self- worth.

@GilbertsLuckySocks

It’s rubbish isn’t it.

I was offered a dream job a couple of weeks ago after a year on furlough, but had to decline as there was just no way I could do the very early start time because my kids just can’t get themselves up and to school in the mornings, and my husband by his own admission isn’t good in the mornings, so couldn’t do the morning school run for me. He’s self employed so can get up when he likes really, but a part of me will always feel disappointed that he didn’t want to step up for it.

I now work 6 days a week evening shifts in a warehouse and the physical side of the job is crippling.

I'm sorry but your husband is an arsehole. No way would I have allowed that because he's 'not good in the mornings' he's a father and husband!

Tbh I do agree with OP that the £150pw is a massive cost and I wouldn't say that was reasonable unless OP is earning mega bucks. But she mentions 'stores' so I am guessing she's in retail so probably isn't necessarily earning loads? I think you'd really have to be earning a lot to swallow £600 in travel a month.

I would definitely get in touch with Access to Work.

Access to work will pay some costs if you can’t use public transport. They are not a free taxi service come what May. If there is a bus 1.5h before she starts work I’m
Pretty certain she would be expected to use it. Unless her particular disability means she couldn’t. Just not to get your hopes up!

I know many examples where people with epilepsy have free bus pass certainly not taxis paid.

Anyone who has used access to work will know that it’s not quite as simple as you’d like to think, the biggest problem I found is how long it takes to be reimbursed, and that it’s very inconsistent, I used them for a job that had no public transport available, up to 2 months wasn’t unusual. In the end I left because paying out upfront wasn’t sustainable when the reimbursement was so unpredictable.

@Bibidy

Tbh I do agree with OP that the £150pw is a massive cost and I wouldn't say that was reasonable unless OP is earning mega bucks. But she mentions 'stores' so I am guessing she's in retail so probably isn't necessarily earning loads? I think you'd really have to be earning a lot to swallow £600 in travel a month.

I would definitely get in touch with Access to Work.

But she’s bound to be earning more than six hundred. And she says if she gives up then with her husbands pay rise they will be on what they are on today.

So assuming she earns more than six hundred she’s better off than quitting. Plus she said it’s not about the money it’s about the job and the peoole.

She also said she was on decent money and she will be able to negotiate a regular contract with a taxi firm. So say she gets it for 400 she’s still way way better off than quitting snd staying home in every aspect.