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Original poster

DP landed a promotion now i have to change my job

237 replies

Happyfuture · 15/06/2021 22:15

My DP has recently been offered a huge promotion, which means he will be working in another county so his commute will be much longer.
During lockdown I had to move stores or face redundancy, the area I work in has no public transport around the hours I need to travel (rural area buses run between 1 to 2 hours apart).
I dont drive due to a disability so DP usually drops me off and picks me up before and after he has to work.
This won't be feasible now due to the change. I love my job and colleague's and I make decent money and work full time. I dont want him to turn the promotion down as it will make his career and earn him a fair whack more than atm, but I cant help feeling a little disappointed and annoyed that I have to give up a great job and wonderful people who I really enjoy working with. In the town I live, full time jobs are really hard to come by, so whatever extra he will earn if I change jobs and end up with a part time position the extra money will land us in the same financial bracket as we were before. Am I wrong for feeling like my career is worth less than his and that I should sacrifice a wonderful workplace so his career can flourish??

OP posts:
Grimacingfrog · 16/06/2021 07:21

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Bluntness100 he's in a very long term, commited partnership (adult children together) with a person who has a disability preventing driving and a job only accessible by car or taxi. In a genuine partnership decisions impacting both partners are made together, and the disability one partner lives with is something both partners work around. Nobody should need to give up jobs or promotions in this case fortunately, as joint money would cover taxis and they'd still be better off.

If one partner wouldn't be able to work in China and didn't speak the language, and the other Cantonese speaker was offered a transfer with massive promotion in China, the needs of the partner disabled by lack of work visa and language skills would surely be taken into account before accepting the promotion... You may say it's different, but in fact in many ways the premise of working as a team to allow both partners the best outcome, not for one to fly and the other make all the sacrifices and become a dependant, is the same.

I agree.

He should have considered the OP in his decision making, absolutely. That doesn't mean not taking the job, but it DOES mean taking her situation into account. If it was me, I'd be jointly helping the OP to help find a solution, just like hundreds of complete strangers on the internet. Why isn't the DP?

He could have offered to pay half the difference in travel costs, see if he was allowed to WFH a couple of days a week, looked up schemes to help people stay in work, like PP's have, not just dumped it in OP's lap. And of course she could do that too, but that's easier when you're not emotionally involved and upset; that takes longer to be logical.

OP I understand why you're upset but really make sure there's a solution to this, and don't give up the job you love. Both people's work is important in a team. Don't always prioritise his because he happens to earn more. It doesn't mean him not taking the job, but it does mean both partners working together to make sure everyone's needs are accommodated.

HaplotypeK · 16/06/2021 07:23

@Egeegogxmv

finally felt I was getting somewhere career wise, finally started earning almost as much as him That'll be why he went for the promotion, he can't have you threatening his financial dominance...
Yes, how dare he try to develop his own career when he should be driving his partner to work and back instead Hmm
rainbowstardrops · 16/06/2021 07:25

I wouldn't rush into giving up your job. Your DH has put you in this position, so he'll have to suck up the taxi fares. You shouldn't lose out on your independence that you've worked hard for.

Whinge · 16/06/2021 07:26

If it was me, I'd be jointly helping the OP to help find a solution, just like hundreds of complete strangers on the internet. Why isn't the DP?

We don't know if the DP has suggested alternative solutions. If the OP knows the cost of the taxi and that there is no one to car share with then it shows there has been some thought and consideration to other options.

I'm another suggesting access to work as it sounds like it could be exactly the help you need.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/06/2021 07:26

Pay for the taxi and don’t give up working. Don’t give up your financial independence for a partner.

looptheloopinahulahoop · 16/06/2021 07:26

My SIL has never been able to drive due to eyesight, so she always had to use public transport. She used to get a taxi to and from work and had an arrangement with a taxi firm so she always had the same driver unless he was off, and presumably got a decent price because it was a regular thing.

You do need to look into this OP and not just write the job off because travel is going to cost £600 a month. My husband was paying £400 to commute to London before the pandemic. If your husband is going to earn lots more you can afford the taxi.

Make it work.

looptheloopinahulahoop · 16/06/2021 07:27

Also, do you have to go in every day - is there scope to work from home one day a week? That would instantly reduce the taxi bill.

Woweelibfree · 16/06/2021 07:28

Really hoping you can work something out OP. It’s crap when there are no good public transport options. It literally puts good employees out of work.

OP if DH didn’t consult you then HE was BU!

Snowallspring · 16/06/2021 07:28

@JeanClaudeVanDammit

I can’t drive for medical reasons. Therefore I have to live and work somewhere with good public transport links. The idea of being completely reliant on my DH to drop me off and pick me up is awful, I’d have no independence whatsoever and his life and career would be negatively affected too. I’d be annoyed if he hadn’t consulted me first but really, you need to move house if you don’t want to move job, it’s not practical to be dependent on him for lifts for the rest of your working life.
Same here.

I choose not to drive, my husband can drive but we live in London and at my request we don't own a car.

I would not think of imposing on another person to this extent, and to expect them to give up their own career development as well, for the sake of giving you daily lifts, is really shocking and selfish.

jaysus6000 · 16/06/2021 07:28

I'd rather move and leave him if necessary after sacrificing for family and his job already.

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 16/06/2021 07:30

You're not at all selfish.

HaplotypeK · 16/06/2021 07:30

@rainbowstardrops

I wouldn't rush into giving up your job. Your DH has put you in this position, so he'll have to suck up the taxi fares. You shouldn't lose out on your independence that you've worked hard for.
What an odd definition of independence. One that relies completely on another person and demands that they give up their own work
Whinge · 16/06/2021 07:32

@ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp

You're not at all selfish.
I don't think either the OP or her DP are being selfish.
MichelleScarn · 16/06/2021 07:32

@jaysus6000

I'd rather move and leave him if necessary after sacrificing for family and his job already.
Where did you get op has sacrificed for family and his job? This issue had only cropped up after op changed work location hasn't it?
groundedagain · 16/06/2021 07:32

What an odd definition of independence. One that relies completely on another person and demands that they give up their own work

I agree. It's not a nice thought but what happens if the DH becomes ill or unable to drive?

Potcallingkettle · 16/06/2021 07:35

I notice lots of PP suggesting the kids do the driving. If this is a possibility that fits in with their work or college, great. But only for the short term whilst you sort out a solution that means you can get to work independently. You do not want your kids caught in the same situation where their career choices are limited by the need to take you to and fro.
I’d be negotiating shift times so either the start or finish fitted with a bus time then arranging a scheduled taxi for the other trip. Or is there a station with a few miles to cycle to and from a train if your disability permits? Can you organise a late finish so your OH can collect you after work if the times fit?
I get it’s rubbish but there are lots of options you can consider.

PoliceDogWoof · 16/06/2021 07:38

150 pw is not that much compared to repayments on car loan+ insurance+ petrol+ services

PoliceDogWoof · 16/06/2021 07:40

What i mean is, people just baulk at the cost of paying that to a taxi co but ibet a lot of people with a decent car arent paying that much less

TatianaBis · 16/06/2021 07:40

It’s not very practical if you have a disability and can’t drive to live so rurally that public transport is poor.

It would make your life easier generally to be near better transport links.

Onesnowynight · 16/06/2021 07:41

How long would your DH’s commute be from where you are now?

Ukholidaysaregreat · 16/06/2021 07:44

Yes I think just pay the taxi fare. And as PP said if you are using them regularly you may be able to negotiate a better rate.

MizMoonshine · 16/06/2021 07:46

Your job relies on him.
You aren't independent in your work.
You're being unreasonable. Why don't you look at moving closer to his new job and finding work there if work in your area is hard to come by?

What's your position in store? Is it actually a career or is it a job? Are you in a position where you can level up within the company? Where your pay will grow?

Hoppinggreen · 16/06/2021 07:47

@Egeegogxmv

finally felt I was getting somewhere career wise, finally started earning almost as much as him That'll be why he went for the promotion, he can't have you threatening his financial dominance...
You have no basis for that whatsoever. Relying on her DH to take her to work every day was always a risky strategy, although I appreciate why it was the case
Figgygal · 16/06/2021 07:48

Someone else might of said it but why not look into access to work they may fund taxis if you’re unable to learn to drive due to your disability

Zzelda · 16/06/2021 07:48

Can you cycle, possibly using an electric bike? Or cycle to a station and then take the train?