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Original poster

DP landed a promotion now i have to change my job

237 replies

Happyfuture · 15/06/2021 22:15

My DP has recently been offered a huge promotion, which means he will be working in another county so his commute will be much longer.
During lockdown I had to move stores or face redundancy, the area I work in has no public transport around the hours I need to travel (rural area buses run between 1 to 2 hours apart).
I dont drive due to a disability so DP usually drops me off and picks me up before and after he has to work.
This won't be feasible now due to the change. I love my job and colleague's and I make decent money and work full time. I dont want him to turn the promotion down as it will make his career and earn him a fair whack more than atm, but I cant help feeling a little disappointed and annoyed that I have to give up a great job and wonderful people who I really enjoy working with. In the town I live, full time jobs are really hard to come by, so whatever extra he will earn if I change jobs and end up with a part time position the extra money will land us in the same financial bracket as we were before. Am I wrong for feeling like my career is worth less than his and that I should sacrifice a wonderful workplace so his career can flourish??

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/06/2021 07:51

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Bluntness100 he's in a very long term, commited partnership (adult children together) with a person who has a disability preventing driving and a job only accessible by car or taxi. In a genuine partnership decisions impacting both partners are made together, and the disability one partner lives with is something both partners work around. Nobody should need to give up jobs or promotions in this case fortunately, as joint money would cover taxis and they'd still be better off.

If one partner wouldn't be able to work in China and didn't speak the language, and the other Cantonese speaker was offered a transfer with massive promotion in China, the needs of the partner disabled by lack of work visa and language skills would surely be taken into account before accepting the promotion... You may say it's different, but in fact in many ways the premise of working as a team to allow both partners the best outcome, not for one to fly and the other make all the sacrifices and become a dependant, is the same.

That’s a bit mad, she just needs to find another way to get to work and has options. It’s hardly a job quitting scenario and working as a team works both ways, it’s not just him supporting her. She needs to also support him and get herself to work like everyone else.
HumunaHey · 16/06/2021 07:53

@rainbowstardrops

I wouldn't rush into giving up your job. Your DH has put you in this position, so he'll have to suck up the taxi fares. You shouldn't lose out on your independence that you've worked hard for.
So someone who has been chauffering someone to work now has to suck up the taxi fares because they will no longer be able to chauffeur them? How entitled is that?! Not independent at all!
looptheloopinahulahoop · 16/06/2021 07:55

So someone who has been chauffering someone to work now has to suck up the taxi fares because they will no longer be able to chauffeur them? How entitled is that?! Not independent at all

It's not a random person, it's the OP's partner and he has made a unilateral decision to take a better paid job, so as a household they should be able to afford the taxi fares as an alternative. Did he really think the OP should give up her job? Why should she?

Bluntness100 · 16/06/2021 07:56

so someone who has been chauffering someone to work now has to suck up the taxi fares because they will no longer be able to chauffeur them? How entitled is that?! Not independent at all!

Peak mn madness

MichelleScarn · 16/06/2021 07:57

But op made the decision to take the job that relied on her dp?

Whinge · 16/06/2021 07:58

Did he really think the OP should give up her job?

I don't recall the OP saying it was her DP who thought she should give up her job. I think it was just a knee jerk reaction from the OP.

MichelleScarn · 16/06/2021 07:58

@MichelleScarn

But op made the decision to take the job that relied on her dp?
That was in response to the odd 'your dp has put you in this position' comment!
Quartz2208 · 16/06/2021 07:59

Talk to him figure out if there is any way around it, moving another form of transport etc

Vetyveriohohoh · 16/06/2021 08:01

What’s the rationale behind choosing to live somewhere remote when you can’t drive? That really baffles me.

In your position I’d be looking to move somewhere you can have more independence.

In the mean time, negotiate with the taxi company and split the cost with your DP

GU24Mum · 16/06/2021 08:01

Definitely another vote for paying for the taxi if you need to.

You love the job - so why should you have to give it up......
You say you earn good money so you are probably able to afford the taxi and be better off than not working.
Your OH has a "huge" promotion so presumably there's money in the pot for the taxi.

Your fulfilment and happiness don't have to go by the wayside just because it's not convenient for him!

osbertthesyrianhamster · 16/06/2021 08:04

Are you married? You need to find a stay in work even more so if not.

speakout · 16/06/2021 08:06

Vetyveriohohoh
What’s the rationale behind choosing to live somewhere remote when you can’t drive? That really baffles me.

It's the OP's workplace that is remote- not her home.

PacifyLulu · 16/06/2021 08:06

There seem to be potential solutions here OP - taxi / taxi until you can move house / kids driving you/ etc

Are you considering any of them?

Tangled22 · 16/06/2021 08:06

£150 a week in taxi fairs is not that much, as PP said many people pay more than that a week in train fares to get to work. And I’m sure you could negotiate a discount with the taxi.

I’m another one who thinks your husbands career shouldn’t take a hit just because he has to drive you to and from work every day. The vast majority of spouses who work full time would never have been able to fit this in to begin with - you’re lucky he’s been able to do this for you for so long. It’s not a practical arrangement.

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 16/06/2021 08:11

That'll be why he went for the promotion, he can't have you threatening his financial dominance...

I didn't think it was humanly possible for someone to jump that far and so quickly 😂

I understand your frustration OP but he hasn't done anything wrong and would be unfair to ask him not to take it. Is it close enough for you to cycle, or you have to have a meeting to discuss your work hours, try to work round it.

Makinganewthinghappen · 16/06/2021 08:14

I can’t drive and I know it’s rubbish to feel so useless getting about but personally if this was my dh I wouldn’t ask him to give up the new job.

I would look for another job myself somewhere I can get to on public transport. I know you say you are happy at the workplace you have now but you could be equally happy somewhere else?

We live right by a train station because I got sick of buses so we actually moved house to be near to trains Grin.

GreenClock · 16/06/2021 08:17

I understand why you’re dismayed OP but I think that your partner has done nothing wrong really. You need to find a workable solution and you’ve received lots of good suggestions on this thread. I’d echo the advice not to quit work if you’re unmarried - that would be reckless.

ApolloandDaphne · 16/06/2021 08:18

OP has been clear that she is keen for her DO to take the promotion. She is not blaming him at all for anything. Hopefully the suggestions in this thread will let her see she still has options to allow her to continue to work.

SengaMac · 16/06/2021 08:19

You are absolutely not being selfish. You are, in fact, being too self-effacing by wanting him to take this job to further his career.

The cost of him taking it would be your career being completely demolished.
He shouldn't take it.

Whoarethewho · 16/06/2021 08:20

You are being very unfair on her husband.

This is Mumsnet. Rule number one is it's always the man's fault so you should be livid and LTB. And secondly always claim misogyny instead of taking responsibility.
In this case the issue is the op works remotely and relies on her partner to be a taxi service. This can no longer occur so a new solution is needed either a job closer to home or just pay for a taxi.

CrumpetyTea · 16/06/2021 08:23

Can he drop you off earlier than you need to be there/pick you up later?
Can he pick drop you off at the normal time- and maybe you get a taxi for the way back - eg halve the taxi costs?
Are your hours in anyway flexible in order to make this feasible or to use the bus some of the time?

C8H10N4O2 · 16/06/2021 08:24

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Bluntness100 he's in a very long term, commited partnership (adult children together) with a person who has a disability preventing driving and a job only accessible by car or taxi. In a genuine partnership decisions impacting both partners are made together, and the disability one partner lives with is something both partners work around. Nobody should need to give up jobs or promotions in this case fortunately, as joint money would cover taxis and they'd still be better off.

If one partner wouldn't be able to work in China and didn't speak the language, and the other Cantonese speaker was offered a transfer with massive promotion in China, the needs of the partner disabled by lack of work visa and language skills would surely be taken into account before accepting the promotion... You may say it's different, but in fact in many ways the premise of working as a team to allow both partners the best outcome, not for one to fly and the other make all the sacrifices and become a dependant, is the same.

Yes I agree. Also a long term partnership where his job has been facilitated and prioritised whilst the OP doesn't even have the financial protection of a marriage contract (hopefully has some other contractual agreement around finances).

OP if access.to.work doesn't help then the taxi costs should come out of household income not just yours. Keep your job and progress your own financial situation but don't make the mistake of treating working costs as all yours.

Too many women make that mistake thinking that childcare must come out of their individual salaries rather than the joint pot.

Whinge · 16/06/2021 08:25

The cost of him taking it would be your career being completely demolished.
He shouldn't take it.

Confused

Are you really saying he shouldn't take a huge promotion so he is able to keep taking the OP to and from work?

There are so many other options available, carshare, taxi, electric bike, access to work etc. The OPs career isn't being demolished at all, she just needs to find a new way to get to work.

C8H10N4O2 · 16/06/2021 08:27

Curious to know which rural areas offer car shares - those I know barely have regular taxis let alone car shares which tend to be urban/surburban groups and some require all members to be car owners to reduce cars on the road.

WellTidy · 16/06/2021 08:28

Many people I work with pay £30/day in train fares, some significantly more. Granted, they are high earners. You don't say what you earn, but I'm guessing that you would still take home a wage after the taxi costs if you work full time.

Would you n your own absorb the cost of the texis, or would the household?

You talk about what you get out of work - is it worth it to you to still work for this amount of money, balancing that against the other non-monetary things that you benefit from as a result of being in this job?

Could you decide that you will pay for the taxis and give this arrangement some time to try out whether it works for you? Not too short a period - something like four or six months?

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