Opinions on women who've never worked?

[mangomcjango]

Name changed to avoid being flamed for whatever reason .

What is your opinion about someone who's never worked - by choice or by situation? For example, someone who went to university full time, got pregnant, became a SAHM and then went into early retirement.

Does your opinion change based on things like disability - i.e. if this person has a disability like autism, or a demand avoidant condition that makes it hard for them to work? Or is it all just laziness?

Cheers!

@TitianaTitsling Honestly, I think with PDA you are almost forced to be more open or people don't take it seriously as most people don't understand it (or there's the argument of "well I don't like doing x, y, z but I still do it").

Thank you for asking questions I can be open about hahaha!

@GrumpyHoonMain Ouch, that would be pretty hard to hear I think. I guess that is pretty dependent on their children's age though - if it's the usual teenage stuff, then most people don't want to talk to their mums (or hold the belief that every choice their parent has made has been wrong all along hahaha). Still, I can see the meaning behind the anecdote honestly. How do you view these women?

It's not really my business, but I do have an opinion (which I would never voice!)
Women who have never worked are in a vulnerable situation for the most part.
So for example, if a 38 y/o SAHM who had her first child at 21, and has been out of the workplace for almost 18 years- they are going to struggle to find work if they need to support themselves suddenly.
As I said, it's not any of my business. But it's not a position I would like to find myself in.

@User563420011 I definitely understand that. It would be a difficult situation if there were unexpected events like divorce or financial breakdown etc. But subsequently, if women have children at 21, I'm not sure any work experience prior to that will be useful to future employers either. So being a SAHM doesn't appear to be an option for younger mums, in that case.

I suppose I don’t really understand how people who cannot ever work, even part time, are able to be primary carers for children. I assume they must have very significant in-home support.

I always wonder what the people who find a toddler 17000 more stressful than a job do for a living. Toddlers want and want and want, sure.....but you wouldn’t believe how much a critically ill toddler depending on me to resuscitate them in the course of a normal day at work for me wants and wants and wants.....I’m sorry but the stress simply isn’t comparable.

It sounds like your plan to have children is exactly to avoid the demands of work.
Almost like you are looking for an excuse not to work?

I'd say try working first. See if you can find something you love doing and can cope with.

Children are constant 24/7 demanding. As there is a likelihood of any children you do have being autistic as is appears to run in your family, would you find that difficult to cope with or do you think you'd be better equipped to cope due to your own experience?

@trixiebelden77 Sorry bit confused - you suggest that people who can't work must have significant in-home support when having kids, but then also suggest that healthy toddlers aren't as difficult as a job "I always wonder what the people who find a toddler 17000 more stressful than a job do for a living." Sorry if I have misread, wee bit confused haha!

I can't imagine a scenario where I would judge someone for never working, if it came up in conversation I would presume that this was the situation that worked for them and their family which is none of my business, or that they had maybe spent longer in education than me (presuming they were my age) and so hadn't started work yet.

Saying that I would be surprised, and potentially be slightly aware/concerned that they might have missed out on certain experiences, be lacking practical skills etc. And if they were a young mother who had gone straight from education to motherhood and then become a SAHM who was financially dependent on a partner then I might worry that they would be too dependent should anything go awry down the line.

@Whatsnewpussyhat Probably quite an adept assumption to make - I sometimes wonder if my desire to have kids is a result of demand avoidance too. I still haven't come to a finalised conclusion on that, but I'm also aware that to my core as a person I also want children. My demand avoidance may be leading me towards convenient timing when it comes to having kids, but I also don't think I could make a lifelong commitment without me being emotionally invested as well.

As for demand avoidant children, yep it's something I've considered. If I'm honest, my husband has actually figured out a lot of ways to help me deal with my demand avoidance and I think I could be able to pass on this support to my children. But I also accept that being a demand avoidant parent with a demand avoidant child is a big challenge... I guess the only way I can combat this thought is that anytime anyone has a child there is always a chance of them having PDA/ Autism. I maybe just have more tools & knowledge at my disposal when it comes to dealing with it firsthand x

@ShopTattsyrup Honestly I think that's a pretty level headed opinion to have. Sans judgement, but with practicality

I assume this means you work / have a job you enjoy? x

@mangomcjango I'm a practical soul ;) But totally regardless of anything else - I hope you find a way to get what you and your husband want that works for you both and for any future babies :)

Yeah I'm very fortunate, I've been a nurse for 6 years. I work in A&E and bloody love it! Bonkers and crazy and full of the best and the worst and I wouldn't have it any other way! If I am fortunate enough to have kids one day I would 100% go back to work, for me it's a massive part of who I am and what makes me tick. X

There's no simple answer.

Petunia who went to a good school, good Uni and is now living off Mummy and Daddy until a rich man comes along and will expect him to keep her even if there are no immediate kids? Yeah it's judge her.

Stacey who has poor education, generationally unemployment, had her first baby at 16 and then a few more and is now a single Mom? I judge the society that makes this normal on so many areas?

Pam who has suggested from serious anxiety all her life and is surviving on DLA? No.

Rebecca who has no caring responsibilities, is for and healthy but would prefer to get by on benefits than having to work? Yes.

Alana who got married straight from University, had a couple of kids, husband earns well. No.

@mangomcjango Thank you for saying that, it means a lot .
My sister is a doctor who works in A&E, she got out of medical school a year or two ago and is absolutely in love haha! Best of luck with the job & the possible future babies x

@trixiebelden77

I suppose I don’t really understand how people who cannot ever work, even part time, are able to be primary carers for children. I assume they must have very significant in-home support.

I always wonder what the people who find a toddler 17000 more stressful than a job do for a living. Toddlers want and want and want, sure.....but you wouldn’t believe how much a critically ill toddler depending on me to resuscitate them in the course of a normal day at work for me wants and wants and wants.....I’m sorry but the stress simply isn’t comparable.

Yup. I have a medically complex child and twins. My stress is nothing compared to the nurses and doctors who didn't let my eldest die and who do it again and again and sometimes can't

You are clearly very intelligent and capable of analysing your own thought processes and behaviours.

Does merely the thought that you will one day leave education and possibly have to look into getting a job cause you a lot of anxiety and stress even though it's a few years away?

Whatever decision you eventually come to, it makes no difference what anyone else's opinions are, it just needs to be the right choice for you personally.

@SleepingStandingUp Honestly, I think that makes sense. I guess I personally fit into Pam and Alana most closely, I can see your justification for why you don't think the other ones are acceptable.

I do get PIP from the govt, but that's entirely for having shit mental health & obviously autism. I'm planning on stopping this claim whenever I'm not dependent on the money (preferably in the next five years) but I don't look down on people who claim benefits forever if they need it honestly. My MIL actually lied about my husband's education when he was younger so she could keep receiving child benefit which he and I both greatly looked down on - and she ended up having to pay it back!

Thing is if I meet any of them I'd be perfectly nice and not judgemental to them, but I do think if you're able to work you should. Benefits should protect those who can't. And if you've got a decent education but you're sitting around waiting just to be moved from one home to another and provided for by one men instead of another, I just think that's such a waste of life. If Petunia had backpacked around the Anericas straight from Uni then met a guy, traveled together for a bit then moved in together and started a family is be less judgemental, I guess it's the idea of a good life wasted waiting around for a man then irks me

@Whatsnewpussyhat Thank you The fact that I have to leave full time education does make me very worried, probably due to PDA and I guess also because it feels like giving up some of the currency of youth in that there's less social excuse to fuck about a bit Sorry, bit crass but how I perceive it.

However, I think the fact that being a mum isn't my go to plan after going to uni, shows that I do want to do it in it's own right. In other words, I would do my OU course and (providing me and DH thought it was the right thing to do) TTC while on the course. If I needed to, I could go part time until I finished and then when I finished I could always take on some kind of part time work while raising the child. It's a lot of work for anyone, particularly someone with PDA, but I'm a hard worker when it comes to making choices that I actively decide on. I'm very stubborn like that

@SleepingStandingUp Do you think if someone has a 'full life' (loose terms) before settling down with a partner, that is more acceptable than having a partner straight out the gates? If so, what makes you think that - is it the lack of life experience, or solely the element of waiting around on a man that irks you?

TTC while on the course. If I needed to, I could go part time until I finished yeah till you fall pregnant with twins and then a pandemic strikes so all the schools close #VoiceOfExperience ,😂😂😂😂

[quote mangomcjango]@SleepingStandingUp Do you think if someone has a 'full life' (loose terms) before settling down with a partner, that is more acceptable than having a partner straight out the gates? If so, what makes you think that - is it the lack of life experience, or solely the element of waiting around on a man that irks you?[/quote]
The waiting. The idea of just doing nothing much every day until you're"real" live stats aka marriage and babies.

I'm the same age as William and Kate. I never understood how she coped not really doing much every day. I know she had a job at one point but it wasn't deemed a good idea due to the press etc, but still. When Charlotte and her what she doesn't her 20s doing, it's gonna be holidays and waiting for Daddy to propose. Maybe I'm just jealous. Not of Kate, he's not my type lol.

*when Charlotte and her what she spent her 20s doing

@SleepingStandingUp Hahahaha christ, I'm praying there's not another inconveniently timed pandemic [grins] if that's a personal anecdote though, congratulations on the twins! As for the course part, OU fortunately still remain open I think hahaha x

@SleepingStandingUp Honestly I know very little of the Royal Family (I try and avoid it at all costs, truth be told) but I understand what you mean about waiting for a man to come and fulfil your dreams. I had no expectations of marriage / a relationship / a man at all when I met my DH, so there was no waiting that I could have done x

[quote mangomcjango]@SleepingStandingUp Hahahaha christ, I'm praying there's not another inconveniently timed pandemic [grins] if that's a personal anecdote though, congratulations on the twins! As for the course part, OU fortunately still remain open I think hahaha x[/quote]
Thank you. I dropped to half a module, babies came December, was hard beyond words to even focus on anything but the kids and sleep and food then lockdown happened, school closed so I have a 4 to too. Thank GOD they cancelled the exams 😂😂😂😂.

Ultimately you have to do what works for you. I don't know anything really about your condition, so you know the balance of looking after yourself and keeping safe vs safe pushing of boundaries. But whatever you do, just try to make the best of it