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Original poster

Opinions on women who've never worked?

346 replies

mangomcjango · 20/08/2020 22:49

Name changed to avoid being flamed for whatever reason Grin.

What is your opinion about someone who's never worked - by choice or by situation? For example, someone who went to university full time, got pregnant, became a SAHM and then went into early retirement.

Does your opinion change based on things like disability - i.e. if this person has a disability like autism, or a demand avoidant condition that makes it hard for them to work? Or is it all just laziness?

Cheers! Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 00:14

@HyaluronicHippo I mean, a bit of a hard time but I guess someone has to Grin.

I'm married, I've been so for about a year. I think if I had had a really difficult time with demands within my marriage, I would probably not be considering having children for their sake. If I'm honest, when I was younger I didn't think I would ever allow myself to even consider the possibility of becoming a mother, because my disability would make me a shitty excuse for a mum (combined with an abusive upbringing, which made me think; "I have no idea what a good upbringing looks like and so I'll be a crap, abusive parent too".) I definitely still have these worries, but I also am aware that I have a choice in a lot of these decisions. I can't undo my autism, but I can decide to get help for it and support, as well as finding methods of coping. My traits of autism were a million times worse when I was younger, but finding a steadier balance (through relationship, new stage in life etc etc) means I now have the tools at my disposal to at least try and help myself out a bit, before TTC. If I find I can't manage this, then obviously I won't have kids.

Sorry for the para.

OP posts:
HunkyPunk · 21/08/2020 00:14

@mangomcjango Apologies and I take back the Biscuit - that's where jumping to conclusions gets you Blush
Some people want to work (in paid employment) and some people have to work. If neither applies, why would you? I certainly wouldn't pass judgement. Live and let live!

TableFlowerss · 21/08/2020 00:14

[quote mangomcjango]@TableFlowerss So is your negative perception based on being unemployed without good reason, or being unemployed and claiming benefits?[/quote]
Both.

Take my example of the DH supporting his wife financially. The state doesn’t support her so that’s between them if he happy.

If the state supports someone and they are simply too lazy to work, I think that’s terrible. My family member is the perfect example. Won’t hold a job down as she thinks it’s beneath her.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 00:16

@Oldbagface That would be great, if you'd like to / would feel comfortable. I don't have my coping mechanisms flawlessly worked out to perfection, but I do think I know what helped me out & I used to behave in extreme ways like your DD. Would love a chat, whenever you're free x

OP posts:
kirstyyt · 21/08/2020 00:18

I have never worked, bit of a joke between DH and I but no negative comments to my face. I now have several DC so technically a SAHM now. DH supports us day to day plus I have an allowance and a rental so I'm not doing anyone any harm as we're not 'taking from the system'.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 00:18

@HunkyPunk No worries, sorry I should have put it in my post! I didn't realise how ambiguous / morally shit it sounded until the Biscuit Grin.

@TableFlowerss So as long as someone's being supported independently (i.e. not through taxes / benefits etc etc) then you're think it's alright?

OP posts:
HyaluronicHippo · 21/08/2020 00:19

I’d definitely encourage you to get out of your comfort zone and truly challenge yourself in a chaotic uncontrolled scenario. For you that probably would be applying, interviewing and getting paid employment. You may hate it, but I think you’d find it valuable as a learning tool.

TableFlowerss · 21/08/2020 00:20

[quote mangomcjango]@HunkyPunk No worries, sorry I should have put it in my post! I didn't realise how ambiguous / morally shit it sounded until the Biscuit Grin.

@TableFlowerss So as long as someone's being supported independently (i.e. not through taxes / benefits etc etc) then you're think it's alright?[/quote]
Yes pretty much.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 00:20

@kirstyyt Was it an intentional choice to avoid work, or did things just kind of fall together that way? (sorry if this is personal / presumptious, just curious!) but does it have any effect on your self esteem or sense of achievement? x

OP posts:
Oldbagface · 21/08/2020 00:22

@mangomcjango certainly will message you Flowers

Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 00:25

@HyaluronicHippo I'll definitely consider it. Nothing's set in stone as of yet, I'm just weighing up my options. I just don't want to set myself back in a negative way for something that wouldn't make me happy really - I might try and do some volunteering or try to get some work in the sphere of motherhood, whatever that might be, so I can get experience of work but also the feeling that it's leading towards a direction I actually want to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 00:26

@Oldbagface Fab, whenever you get a chance Flowers Smile x

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TableFlowerss · 21/08/2020 00:26

Also just to add- if I didn’t have to work I wouldn’t Shock

I’m a very outgoing people person and I love talking and netting different people..... but at times, my god- people can be tw@ts and I often wonder why people behave the way they do. There’s a lot to be said for working for yourself

TitianaTitsling · 21/08/2020 00:28

[quote mangomcjango]@NoSquirrels I'm not at work as of yet- I've got a lot of higher education coming my way, and the life I suggested isn't mine, it's just one of the paths I could hypothetically take. I'm not shut off to the idea of having work, I just try and consider all the options and also how these options would change public perception is all.[/quote]
How will you cope with the demands of higher education? What would make these demands and deadlines different from working?

Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 00:28

@TableFlowerss Hahaha can't argue with that (both the twats and the self employment part lmao)

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 21/08/2020 00:29

I don't think the need to care for your D.C. is at all like the demands that trigger issues for pda people. It's something you are choosing to do, not something you're being instructed to do.

I'm going to have to think a bit more... maybe it's to do with power?

FattyBoom · 21/08/2020 00:30

@Lonelykettleshed

I'd like to think that I wouldn't have a different opinion on a man or woman in that situation. Why women specifically?

If someone doesn't need to work financially and chooses not to, their choice

If someone can't work due to disability or illness (visible or otherwise, then they can't and should be supported

If someone can't work through circumstances such as needing to be a Carer (whether to a child or adult) then fine

If someone wants to work but can't get a job, then fine (as long as they're not hanging out for the perfect job as that doesn't exist)

If someone wants to be supported whilst they hang out at home, with friends or whatever then I'm not so willing to pay tax to facilitate that. I certainly don't pay tax so that people in that situation don't have to.

Pretty much exactly this
kirstyyt · 21/08/2020 00:30

I went to university where I met DH and had every intention of pursuing a career. I then did a masters whilst he got a job. I began having doubts over my career choice and at the same time he was offered an amazing opportunity in a different part of the country. We moved together and I then slipped into the role of housewife.
I actually cannot see myself working now, I do lack some fundamental skills such as organisation and time keeping.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 00:32

@TitianaTitsling I'll be doing a course with the OU. This won't negate my PDA by any means, but (for me personally) I've found that most roots of my anxiety are found in conflict / confrontation / even misjudged attempts at communication. If I can do things online, I can pretend it's just me in my own little bubble I guess - but I'm also in the fortunate position that I enjoy learning in an academic sense, and so it's not an automatic task that has an "oh god why" response that then builds based on my PDA. Most of my PDA comes from social interaction or pressure (whether intentionally imposed or not). This might just be me though.

OP posts:
Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 00:35

@picklemewalnuts That actually explains how I feel in a much more concise way than I would ever be able to have put it honestly.

I think it's more a control thing - if I could be the owner of a big business where I made all the calls, didn't have to answer to anyone other than myself and knew that I was making all my own choices I think my demand avoidance would be reduced quite a bit. I guess it's also to do with the security of not feeling like people will be able to criticise you? (sounds awfully Draconian, probably why I'm not trying to become a large business owner!)

OP posts:
Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 00:37

@kirstyyt Does your life plan make you happy? How do you think you would have responded if when you were in university people told you that you shouldn't be in any way dependent on a man?

(sorry for the interrogation Grin )

OP posts:
Mimishimi · 21/08/2020 00:38

Their choice.

CorianderLord · 21/08/2020 00:38

It's their business if they can afford it or don't have opportunities.

However they don't retire if they never worked...

TitianaTitsling · 21/08/2020 00:39

@mangomcjango thanks for being so open with all the questions!

GrumpyHoonMain · 21/08/2020 00:40

@mangomcjango

Name changed to avoid being flamed for whatever reason Grin.

What is your opinion about someone who's never worked - by choice or by situation? For example, someone who went to university full time, got pregnant, became a SAHM and then went into early retirement.

Does your opinion change based on things like disability - i.e. if this person has a disability like autism, or a demand avoidant condition that makes it hard for them to work? Or is it all just laziness?

Cheers! Flowers

I know a lot of women who left school with no GCSEs, got married at 16, pregnant immediately and then kept having babies so there was never a right time to work or get an education (or even skills - quite a few of them don’t even know how to cook, they just rely on family). A lot of them have been ‘punished’ for what they view as laziness by their kids who really look down on them. In one case her daughters prefer going to their mils for advice and help with everything because they were older when they had kids and basically had their shit together.
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