Opinions on women who've never worked?

[mangomcjango]

Name changed to avoid being flamed for whatever reason .

What is your opinion about someone who's never worked - by choice or by situation? For example, someone who went to university full time, got pregnant, became a SAHM and then went into early retirement.

Does your opinion change based on things like disability - i.e. if this person has a disability like autism, or a demand avoidant condition that makes it hard for them to work? Or is it all just laziness?

Cheers!

But if you got a job that made you feel terrible then surely your mental health go downhill fast and be counter productive?

You might find something you love doing. Might be something unexpected but you are still young and have time.

Even if you do decide being a SAHM is what you want, stop worrying what anyone else thinks!

@Whatsnewpussyhat I'd only get a job I hated if everything went REALLY wrong and I had no other options.

Anyway thank you to everyone who's added to this thread - it's been great to hear everyone's opinions. I think I'm actually going to delete my MN account now (not for this thread obviously, there's just some discrimination stuff happening on other threads that is upsetting me quite a lot). Feel free to keep sharing your experiences though, and thank you again everyone x

OP, you sound very naive, as though work is some optional extra and parenthood is somehow a different and warm and fuzzy proposition to the demands of work.

Should your marriage break down without you having had children or having any significant shared assets like a house, you would be entitled to precisely nothing from your ex-husband. Would your condition entitle you to disability benefits? If you do have children together and your marriage breaks down, a significant percentage of men do not pay child support or do not pay adequate child support how will you support those children? And before you say 'Oh, but why base your life on gloomy suppositions?' something like 42% of marriages break down it's not like wondering about what would happen if you were struck by lightning or won the lottery.

So no, I don't think you should have children if you absolutely feel that you cannot work to support them, or have some independent source of income.

@TheMarzipanDildo then if you have no right to judge what the hell are you going on MN? the whole bloody place has 50% of threads where we are all doing just that - judging!

@Inappropriatefemale You say that like you're proud of judging 😂

@sunnytat no not proud butanyone that says they never judge others are the biggest bullshitters of all time!

There are times when you have just heard something quite scandalous about someone you know, and before you even have a chance to process this ‘gossip/news/info’ then your mind has already made up what it thinks whether you know it or not, that’s what judging someone/something literally is!

It’s human nature to judge other humans, it’s the same sort of debate where some liars say that they’ve never once been jealous of anyone in their whole lives, not even as a kid, a hormonal and insecure teen, etc etc..that to me is crap, jealousy is a normal human emotion and some think it a weakness to admit that they’ve felt like this towards folks at times, when I see it as a strength because you have the insight and nous to acknowledge your own feelings, being emotionally intelligent is something I’m sure glad of being!

so u think OP should get judged then
yeah everyone judges but still, being jealous isn't something u should be proud of either

Oh and I can just see how none of you on MN are and have never been jealous of anyone

I swear most folks get jealousy and envy the wrong way around, definition wise.

Where did I imply I’m bragging?! I’m proud that I can ^admit* to having been jealous because most ppl I’ve encountered this convo with all say no, I’m proud that I have self awareness.

Not much really. Being a student and a SAHM or other carer is actually work. It’s just not paid work and so not “counted” by economists for some arcane sexist reason.

not saying ure bragging, i just don't know why u would go off on that person for saying they weren't judging... seems out of no where

As if being jealous is something that you shouldn’t be jealous of either, nobody can help their feelings and at least it shows that your human when you can admit to certain things, I bet your the type of parent that teaches your kids to be ashamed of having normal and hugely common, feelings and emotions.

@Inappropriatefemale

As if being jealous is something that you shouldn’t be jealous of either, nobody can help their feelings and at least it shows that your human when you can admit to certain things, I bet your the type of parent that teaches your kids to be ashamed of having normal and hugely common, feelings and emotions.

Meant to say that being jealous isn’t something you shouldn’t be proud of either!

ppl can have any feelings they want and that's fine i just don't know why u would go off on someone for expressing that they wouldn't judge somebody

I’m going off at nobody! I’m merely stating my opinion which is what the Mumsnet site is all about! I think you have taken me very wrong, which is all too easy to do when no talking, as don’t know which tone etc is being used for certain sentences.

I think lucky them if they do mot need to work.
If I were to win the lottery tomorrow, I would not work outside my own home. I was raised in a farm, and I would love, really love, to have my own! And spend my days in the house and fields.

fair enough then, sorry if i got u wrong i just think this site has too much judgement is all

@sunnytat ALL websites and ALL humans are too judgmental every day! I don’t believe that your not judgmental about something for crying out loud?! Come on,,spill your judgey tea

everybody has some stuff they're judgemental about but i dont see why u would just let urself be judgemental. think this site is a breeding ground for being overly judgy tho tbh

You don’t let yourself be judgey, you just are! The brain makes decisions like this without us even thinking of it!!

ok yeah but u're still in control of what u release into the world... u dont HAVE to judge openly

Who said I am judging to the world? Anyway releasing judgeyness or not is still being judgey which is my point!

@sunnytat

everybody has some stuff they're judgemental about but i dont see why u would just let urself be judgemental. think this site is a breeding ground for being overly judgy tho tbh

So Sunnytat what's your thought on child murderers? So they deserve to go to jail? Once released would you hire one as your Nanny?

OP, if you are still reading
I'm wondering if there is an online support group on Facebook or somewhere for parents with PDA? As you seem keen on doing your homework it might be something that appeals to you. As very few of us have PDA, our advice and ideas might be a bit shit.
I say this as the auntie of children with disabilities - however supportive we as a family are, there is support that their parents have had from other parents in the same boat, whose children have similar conditions, that we just couldn't have given, we literally don't have that experience. I see parallels to your situation in that most of us know what working feels like, and what being a mum feels like, but we aren't looking through the lens of PDA.
Good luck whatever you decide.
And I always feel in these conversations that it is kids or no kids - people rarely explore the option of one kid.
Your DH sounds decent - that makes a difference. Even if you do split up (which isn't inevitable, nor even statistically likely) - if he is there for the child (or child-ren) you will probably find it easier.
Last top tip. Find a decent childminder. I raised my kids with no local family and I love my childminder with an embarrassing degree of ferocity. The fact we pay her means no dealing in emotional stuff like guilt or awkwardness when the kids grow up and you have to change things.

Hi there @Love51. I deleted my old account and wasn't planning on coming back to this thread as I realised it probably wasn't fair / reasonable to ask advice on a very specific situation to a very general collective. (tried to assimilate my username as much as possible but can't get the old account back obviously). I just popped back on to say thank you for being genuinely constructive, and not making assumptions or assuming I'm naive for my thought process.

I haven't had Facebook for about a year now (I've done a bit of a social media detox) but I could probably find some kind of support group if I went digging. It's just slightly difficult as PDA is quite an uncommon and misunderstood community, and the coping mechanisms / parenting techniques differ so much from the typical umbrella of autism.

Genuinely thank you for your positivity though. My DH is a good person, and I don't think it's naive to trust people sometimes (I guess my logic is, why marry someone if you're not willing to emotionally invest in them?) Obviously there are some protective measures to take to make sure you're not totally left high and dry, but I would be genuinely shocked (and so would he, I think) if we got divorced or something similar to that happened.

As for the childminder stuff, that's a good idea! I've not got any close family other than DH for NC reasons, which is I guess partially why I appreciate people's responses on the internet, but I'll look into both the childminder & support group aspects.

Thank you. x