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Original poster

Opinions on women who've never worked?

346 replies

mangomcjango · 20/08/2020 22:49

Name changed to avoid being flamed for whatever reason Grin.

What is your opinion about someone who's never worked - by choice or by situation? For example, someone who went to university full time, got pregnant, became a SAHM and then went into early retirement.

Does your opinion change based on things like disability - i.e. if this person has a disability like autism, or a demand avoidant condition that makes it hard for them to work? Or is it all just laziness?

Cheers! Flowers

OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 20/08/2020 23:12

What was it like to have children op? All the demands from the children and also demands in regards to education

TitianaTitsling · 20/08/2020 23:14

I wouldn't judge, depending on how they presented it but "For example, someone who went to university full time, got pregnant, became a SAHM and then went into early retirement." I would wonder what they were 'retiring' from?

2bazookas · 20/08/2020 23:14

How does someone who has "never worked" go into "early retirement?"

TitianaTitsling · 20/08/2020 23:14

X post with @2bazookas!

Original poster
mangomcjango · 20/08/2020 23:14

@Porridgeoat I'm not actually a mum as of yet - but I'm aware that I'm going to be trying to conceive, and I know that there's no way in hell I can raise a baby / babies while holding down a job. I'd run myself in circles and probably do a bad job in both. Essentially I've just realised that being a mum is much more important to me than having a career (in the typical sense of the word) and it's one of those things where I feel I could sacrifice some mental health & sleep in order to raise my kids even if it will be very difficult with my PDA... a job however, not so much...
Flowers Smile

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 20/08/2020 23:15

People make choices according to their temperament and circumstances. Some choose to live more modestly with a single household wage, others have two wage earners and a more luxurious life style. The children in each of those households get different benefits from each set up.

People's capacity to earn varies and influences the decisions they make. It's not really a matter for judgement, to be honest.

Girlyracer · 20/08/2020 23:16

Probably think the same about a man who doesn't work. I'd like to think most people would work if they could do contribute to society and pay tax to fund health, education, roads etc.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 20/08/2020 23:16

@everyone about the early retirement thing, I just used the phrase "early retirement" as people often get offended about other words (for example, housewife). I just mean women who are no longer looking for employment, and are have children who are away doing their own things. Sorry, an attempt at being diplomatic.

OP posts:
TitianaTitsling · 20/08/2020 23:17

[quote mangomcjango]**@Somethingkindaoooo* and @SaintofBats* - Pathological Demand Avoidance is a real thing (I think there's consideration of a new name, as well as if it counts towards the autism spectrum) but it is a real thing.[/quote]
What is it though? Genuine question, I have googled and what I've found appears to be any expectation of conformity or request to do something that the individual doesn't want to do is distressing?

Dancingdeer77 · 20/08/2020 23:17

On your second question, would my opinion change depending on why you were not in paid work... not really because I generally assume people are doing the best they can in playing the cards they were dealt.

I also heartily agree with the person who said that assuming stay at home mums aren’t working is wrong. It’s definitely labour, just not the paid kind (unless you care for other people’s children).

I would assume you were doing something worthwhile, either for your personal health and wellbeing or contributing in unpaid care or both.

FinnyStory · 20/08/2020 23:17

For me it depends what they have lived on. If they have a spouse or family who have supported them financially while they have raised children and supported his career etc, it's not what I'd choose for myself but they are perfectly free to make that choice.

I do object to people who choose to live of the state long term when they are able to to work. I love the welfare state, I'm incredibly grateful that it's there but I do think it should be short term support while people get back on their feet, rather than a choice. I think in the vast majority of cases that's how it's used, but there are always exceptions. Disability is a different thing altogether.

Although I have to admit MIL and her racist "we've worked hard and paid tax all our lives" does get on my nerves more than most because she's actually only worked for 2 years of her adult life.

Draculahhh · 20/08/2020 23:22

I have a friend who has never worked a day in her life, 20 years and counting, she had her first child as soon as she left school. She has done everything she has been able to do to avoid it since. She is actually quite happy to admit that she doesn't want to work in a "proper job"

She flits in and out of whichever mlm scheme is au fait at the time with no real conviction. But each to their own.

PasstheBucket89 · 20/08/2020 23:22

A lot of SAHM do so, so that they're partners, usually husbands have earning capacity freedom so that they can take up work than earns more but is less flexible i. e contract work, working away etc and so childcare is not a worry for them or doing 50/50 childcare around the other halfs shifts. being fully responsible for childcare 90% of all domestic, childcare IS there contribution to the family. its annoying its not valued.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 20/08/2020 23:22

@TitianaTitsling "Pathological demand avoidance (PDA) is a profile that describes those whose main characteristic is to avoid everyday demands and expectations to an extreme extent."

It's a condition that's part of the autism spectrum, but also heavily linked with anxiety. For me personally ( may not be the case for everyone else, just talking about personal experience ) my response to demands is often dependent on my anxiety - if someone I trust asks a small task of me when I'm in a low anxiety situation, I still have a gut reaction of "fuck off, stop fucking asking things of me" but with some help and soothing I can usually push past it and come to some kind of compromise - i.e. I will decide what time today I do that, or I can manage x but you do y.
However, if there are demands on me in high stress situations I will react inappropriately - i.e. lots of crying, trying to leave the room, emotional manipulation, getting uncontrollably angry etc.

(again, just my personal experience)

OP posts:
Original poster
mangomcjango · 20/08/2020 23:24

@Draculahhh What is your perspective on that kind of lifestyle? Do you respect her less for avoiding a "proper job"? x

OP posts:
Original poster
mangomcjango · 20/08/2020 23:26

@PasstheBucket89 If there was no "female" association to being a stay at home parent, I think it would be a lot more respected unfortunately. I.e. if men were (on average) the ones to stay home while the women went to work, I think attitudes might change quite fast. But I could be wrong ... x

OP posts:
Ghoste · 20/08/2020 23:29

But OP, babies and kids Extrememly Demanding. Being a SAHM is many times harder than any job I've ever had. You're always having to do stuff you don't want

JadesRollerDisco · 20/08/2020 23:31

Anybody who can be a good SAHM can be a reasonable employee. Because being a SAHM is harder than working in lots of ways.

JadesRollerDisco · 20/08/2020 23:34

Being at home with young children is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I don't get the head space or the social contact or the creative outlet or the feeling of accomplishment I gain from achieving goals. I get a Groundhog Day of kids fighting and never ending housework and no structured breaks or adult time or personal space. I don't have PDA so I don't know how that would feel for you, but a lot of women I know feel the same way if they are really honest. That work keeps them sane

Original poster
mangomcjango · 20/08/2020 23:35

@Ghoste I know, I agree with you. But, I don't want to avoid everything that challenges my PDA or I'll be stuck doing nothing sitting in a white box somewhere (and I'll still be stressed haha). Kids is a major one in terms of demands, which is why I've been trying to increase my threshold (for lack of a better word) before having them, and why I'm not having them instantly. I'm also very aware that I'm definitely not going to be able to work while having kids, as I will focus my attentions on them. My dad had autism, and he managed the actual parenting part - he wasn't a good bloke, but he got through the actual parenting skills well enough.

I'm trying to achieve a life I want honestly, it's going to be really hard but I've managed to grit my teeth thus far.

OP posts:
Oldbagface · 20/08/2020 23:36

PDA is real. One of DC is autistic and has this trait.

I think I have it too but undiagnosed.

It is real. It is not well understood.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 20/08/2020 23:36

@JadesRollerDisco Would you go into part time / full time employment rather than continuing being a SAHM, if you had the option?

OP posts:
Original poster
mangomcjango · 20/08/2020 23:38

@Oldbagface How do you find motherhood with a child with PDA / possible PDA yourself? Do you think it's tough but worth it, or just tough? x

OP posts:
HyaluronicHippo · 20/08/2020 23:43

Honestly, do you feel your condition is compatible with being a full time parent/carer?

Hamm87 · 20/08/2020 23:44

Sorry but i think if you are perfectly able to work you should even if its just a few hours a week or volunteering also if they never pay into the system they should not get anything back

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