Opinions on women who've never worked?

[mangomcjango]

Name changed to avoid being flamed for whatever reason .

What is your opinion about someone who's never worked - by choice or by situation? For example, someone who went to university full time, got pregnant, became a SAHM and then went into early retirement.

Does your opinion change based on things like disability - i.e. if this person has a disability like autism, or a demand avoidant condition that makes it hard for them to work? Or is it all just laziness?

Cheers!

@HyaluronicHippo I guess my condition isn't, no, but I'm more than my condition.

When you have children it will be endless, endless demands. Maybe it’s worth trying to sustain some employment for a while to build up the tolerance for dealing with demands? With a part time job it wouldn’t even need to be that much of your actual time but could still be valuable experience/preparation for when you have 24/7 demands on you from children.

@Lindtballsrock I get that, I'm definitely looking into it -- I think I will start looking for some online part time freelancer style stuff relatively soon, as honestly I can cope with demands more easily when I don't additionally have to cope with adults. It's just building myself up to that place first. I understand where you're coming from though, probably sage advice. x

I wonder if it’s fair to use possible future children as the guinea pigs To test out your threshold for tolerance.

I’d think you need to commit to working even if you think it’s as a trial run. Being accountable, having a boss, having responsibilities, having to turn up when you’re told, do what you’re told, bite your tongue etc.

Never have and never will give a fuck what other people do to get by. For the majority, life's a constant struggle but as long as you're happy, healthy, not harming others then carry on.

Do you work currently, OP?

Honestly speaking, I’d find a life of no ‘external’ work experience very unusual and potentially a bit troubling - if I was your friend I’d want you to have some independence via work/skills/employment record. And if you’re an early 20s graduate who had children straight off, raises them for 20-odd years and then they’re grown you’ll have at least another 15 years of ‘early retirement’ (and that’s being generous that they’ll need you all through their own university days) before actual ‘retirement’. It could be a limited and risky life, dependent on a man.

So I if were your friend I’d consider advising you to widen your horizons and comfort zone.

And children don’t come in a vacuum. You’ll have to engage with midwives, health workers, doctors, teachers, nursery workers, friends parents, coaches, music teachers, the list is endless. They grow up, they have their own personalities. They answer back, they push boundaries. They test the patience of a saint and can make anyone snap. Sometimes for months or years on end.

@HyaluronicHippo They wouldn't be guinea pigs - if they were to be guinea pigs, I would be having them right now without a thought. I'm building myself up slowly in order to get to a position where I can sustain being the best mum I can be - it's just a challenge to do that while also building myself up to be a part of the work force (I know someone will say being a mother is work, which I agree with (!) but I think my PDA makes me see it as two very large tasks instead of one partially connected task). Sorry I know it probably doesn't make sense, I'm still trying to figure my own brain out too haha

I dont have an opinon on people like that.

I have opinions on individuals as I meet them. If they work or not is not part of my way of finding that opinion.

Whatever you do you are wrong in someone’s eyes so might aswell just do what you want

@mangomcjango Honestly. Everyday and every night is a battle.

I'm scared for the future for her. She's nearly 18. Have been advised to ask adult social care to get involved when she's 18.

I have other health problems which make me unable to leave the house.

A friend told me recently they were sad for sad for me. Unable to leave the house bit educated to masters level.

Not sure what to do.

Initial honest response.

@NoSquirrels I'm not at work as of yet- I've got a lot of higher education coming my way, and the life I suggested isn't mine, it's just one of the paths I could hypothetically take. I'm not shut off to the idea of having work, I just try and consider all the options and also how these options would change public perception is all.

I'd be really jealous. I hate working and would love not to have to. As for disability I think that if you're autistic youre perfectly capable of working.

@Oldbagface That makes me sad and worried for all three of us, if I'm honest. Does she exhibit extreme behaviours?

Thank you for your honesty though, people rarely want to acknowledge serious difficulty / regret or the like, particularly when it comes to parenthood.

I have held a relatively senior, fairly demanding job for over 15 years.

I have been a mother for just over 10 years.

I think that if you can’t cope with the demands placed on you from a part time job -even a low stress one - there is no way that you will be able to cope with the demands placed on you by motherhood.

The thing about a job is that you can go home. You can switch your phone off. You can not check your emails.

You can never ever switch your kids off.

For my first six years of motherhood (I have 2 kids 3 years apart) there was about 20 nights in total where I wasn’t woken up in the middle of the night and had some kind of demand placed on me. Whether that was providing someone with food , comfort, attention, a cuddle, a discussion about which Paw Patrol hero I liked the most. I couldn’t even have a night’s sleep without a demand being made of me.

Even now (and they are 10 and 7 now so we should be past the nights really) I would say that about once a week I get one child or other appearing with a 3am issue that I need to deal with.

And then there is the daytime demands. They only get more complex as they get older!

Maybe one child would be easier - part of the difficulty is that my kids’ needs so often conflict and I have to not just deal with them but decide what to prioritise.

@garlictwist Why do you think being autistic makes you perfectly capable of working? (not rebutting you, just curious).

@Mumoftwoyoungkids Would you change things, if you had the choice? Would you go back and not have them?

[quote mangomcjango]@NoSquirrels I'm not at work as of yet- I've got a lot of higher education coming my way, and the life I suggested isn't mine, it's just one of the paths I could hypothetically take. I'm not shut off to the idea of having work, I just try and consider all the options and also how these options would change public perception is all.[/quote]
OK, you’re young yet. So - don’t even THINK about being reliant on a man. If you’re demand- avoidant, you need your own path, income, self-determination. Do everything you can to achieve independence in a career that is suited to you.

Worry about children later. And duck ‘public perception’. That should never be anywhere near your first considerations.

Work out what work can mesh with you. That’s the best thing you can understand.

If I knew you’d been diagnosed with PDA, my only response would be to wonder briefly if it had made it into the DSM or ICD yet

This

@NoSquirrels I am young. I guess I'm emotionally reliant on a man (being married) as well as temporarily financially. I agree on not hitching yourself to another person and having no back-up plan. Which is why I'm starting this thread for example, to consider all the options (the pros and cons of all the lifestyle choices I could make). I'm definitely factoring your perspective in, to be honest.

If they’ve got a disability then yes I would view it very differently.

If a woman meets a man, they get married and he earns £50k and it’s enough to support the both of them, then fair enough if she decides to be a SAHM. No issues, it’s none of my business.

If someone chooses not to work and claims every benefit going. That boils my piss because that money is public money. Most people would prefer to not work but they have to. Some people take take the piss. One of my family members is almost 50 and she’s worked about 10 years since leave school at 15. Just living off the state. There’s nothing wrong with her at all, ages just lazy!

I’m sorry if it appears I’m giving you a hard time. I also have strong autistic/pdatraits and despite the Natural urge to want to be a mother, I’m painfully aware that it’s a utopian idea in my head that I’d be some wonderful mother. The reality is I very probably would struggle to cope. That I’d pass on all my anxieties and issues and baggage and fail them.

Are you currently married/engaged? The kind of man who will really provide for you and a family solely will have demands he will put upon you too. Are you okay with that?

@TableFlowerss So is your negative perception based on being unemployed without good reason, or being unemployed and claiming benefits?

@mangomcjango extreme behaviour beyond belief to be honest. I can pm you tomorrow if you like?

It's an extremely complex issue.

[quote mangomcjango]@Mumoftwoyoungkids Would you change things, if you had the choice? Would you go back and not have them?[/quote]
Not for a minute! I actually really like being a mum.

But I am not you. I am quite happy being asked to do things.

What I am trying to say is if a friend asking you to book a table for the two of you at your favourite restaurant is a 1 on demands, doing a full time stressful job is probably a 30. And looking after a toddler full time is about 17,568. Toddlers are despots. They need and want and want and need.