Opinions on women who've never worked?

[mangomcjango]

Name changed to avoid being flamed for whatever reason .

What is your opinion about someone who's never worked - by choice or by situation? For example, someone who went to university full time, got pregnant, became a SAHM and then went into early retirement.

Does your opinion change based on things like disability - i.e. if this person has a disability like autism, or a demand avoidant condition that makes it hard for them to work? Or is it all just laziness?

Cheers!

If you have kids in your early 20s then for about 20 years it’s relatively normal in some circles to be a SAHM.
But then there’s another 20 Years between your children becoming independent and retirement age. I wouldn’t “judge” someone who didn’t work for those 20 years but I certainly wouldn’t envy them either. If you really can’t work due to your condition in that period of your life I’d probably feel sympathy for you. 20 years is a long time to do nothing much - I’d hope you could find a passion in life to sustain your interest.

[quote mangomcjango]**@SleepingStandingUp* Hahahaha he sounds right! I know any kind of comfort from people on the internet can sound like condescending bollocks, but I had an eating disorder when I was younger and you can* pull through it - in fact I've pulled through a bit too hard and now need to shed a few pounds, if I'm honest [/quote]
He's only 5, just had a lot of ops when he was 1 which affected his eating and stuff, some sensory issues (refuses I've cream cos it's wet) and I think with being tube fed all his life at least partially not a huge appetite. Tbh I balk at the "sorry for him" cos he's also on O2 so he looks different and had five years of "what's wrong with him", "poor kid" crap. However I absolutely know you meant it kindly x

@museumum What would you recommend for those 20 years post-children? From what I've seen, it seems like if you don't have a foot in the door at all times you slip off the employment radar. But that's just what I've heard, could be wrong

@SleepingStandingUp Sorry, I didn't mean it in the sense of "poor you for having to deal with him" I know that's shite. I just meant I'm sorry that he has to go through something difficult, particularly at a young age. I know it's crap when people act as if someone close to you is a punishment, when it's not that way at all. Sorry x

[quote mangomcjango]@SleepingStandingUp Sorry, I didn't mean it in the sense of "poor you for having to deal with him" I know that's shite. I just meant I'm sorry that he has to go through something difficult, particularly at a young age. I know it's crap when people act as if someone close to you is a punishment, when it's not that way at all. Sorry x[/quote]
It's fine, I meant it when I said I know you absolutely meant it kindly. I developed a radar for sincerity of intention ,😁😁

@SleepingStandingUp That's one of the most important radars a person can have tbh . Anyway, not really sure how I'm feeling about this thread ... feel a little lukewarm, is that just me? Some interesting stuff and some crap, but maybe that's Mumsnet

@museumum

If you have kids in your early 20s then for about 20 years it’s relatively normal in some circles to be a SAHM. But then there’s another 20 Years between your children becoming independent and retirement age. I wouldn’t “judge” someone who didn’t work for those 20 years but I certainly wouldn’t envy them either. If you really can’t work due to your condition in that period of your life I’d probably feel sympathy for you. 20 years is a long time to do nothing much - I’d hope you could find a passion in life to sustain your interest.

I had my first dc at 19 and I was a sahm, then I had my second at 38 so I will be spending the following 20 years raising another dc, which will bring me close to retirement age (DH will be retiring early so we plan to spend much of our time together after that). So I won't be doing nothing much (and I also have other factors like caring and disability so I suppose I'd get your sympathy there).

[quote mangomcjango]@museumum What would you recommend for those 20 years post-children? From what I've seen, it seems like if you don't have a foot in the door at all times you slip off the employment radar. But that's just what I've heard, could be wrong[/quote]
I’m mid 40s and self employed and I’m surrounded by women who are starting their own businesses, training in new skills, all sorts. My sil trainer as a sports massage therapist at 40+ and runs her own business. My dad trained as a garden designer in his 50s as a second career. In freelance networks I’m in many women my age are just launching their business now..... I totally get why you might not want to work with young children but if I’m honest it feels a bit like you’re giving up too easily on the idea of ever finding rewarding and enjoyable work.

@provencespot Was that your plan or did the cards just fall that way? I guess if you're trying to avoid the awkward amount of time then I guess it works out well (not suggesting you are, just saying!). Also means I guess you have the benefit of not having to deal with two young children at once x

@provencespot - it’s very obvious I wasn’t talking abou a situation where you have another baby after your previous child(ren) are adults.
What would you have done if you didn’t have another? “Retire” at 38?

@museumum I'm not giving up on anything - it's a hypothetical question I guess, one of the paths that I could take if I wanted to but nothing's decided. I do respect your opinion (genuinely) but I guess I also feel like it's a bit of a blunt statement to assume I'm giving up too easily ... x

It is Mumsnet, which isn't always the most disability friendly place, and plenty of people know very little about conditions like PDA , me inc

@SleepingStandingUp Yeah if I'm honest this is quite a strange site ... there's equal amounts support & empowerment as there is judgement and criticism. I guess you've just gotta try and focus on the good bits

I don’t know anything about living with pda. I have asd friends but they do all work.
But my comments are more about how can you know in your early 20s how you’ll feel and what you’ll want to do in your 40s and 50s? Or what you’ll feel capable of in 20 years time after raising a family?

@museumum I don't think anybody ever 100% knows what they want in 20 years -- if they do I think it's a sign that they're not growing or changing. Do you know exactly what you're going to want to do in twenty years? Maybe your life or goals will massively deviate from what you think right now.

Again, I'm still not crossing anything off my list or making definite decisions for this very reason. I'm just considering options

I'll be honest. I have increasingly judged people who don't work because they don't have to. Maybe there is an unconscious streak of jealously. But I have felt that by not working, a person can't be an informed citizen, able to empathize with the struggles that us who work have to go through. I think in a similar way about politicians who pretty much go straight into politics from university.

But I thank the OP who has made me realise that there are "invisible" disabilities that mean people can't work. Also thanks for the information on PDA. I taught students with this. I have had no training and have found it very frustrating. I now have more insight.

[quote mangomcjango]@museumum I don't think anybody ever 100% knows what they want in 20 years -- if they do I think it's a sign that they're not growing or changing. Do you know exactly what you're going to want to do in twenty years? Maybe your life or goals will massively deviate from what you think right now.

Again, I'm still not crossing anything off my list or making definite decisions for this very reason. I'm just considering options[/quote]
Yes. I agree 100%. I just read your earlier posts as sounding very definite that you’d have children and retire because you didn’t feel you’d ever be able to have a career.
Obviously if in the end you don’t want one or can’t have one then fair enough. But your early posts on this thread sounded like you’d ruled it out already and I felt it was too soon to do that.

@Yogatomorrow Hey genuinely thank you for saying that, and thank you for getting more insight on PDA. It's a really hard thing to deal with for everyone involved, but I hope getting a bit more widespread knowledge that it is a thing and is justified might help more people feel comfortable expressing themselves/ developing new coping mechanisms. Good luck x

I don't think I've ever met a person who hasn't worked at some stage of their lives. I know people who don't work now - full time parents who look after the home, but they had jobs until they were parents. Looking after children is a full time job. Most of my friend's children are now in sixth form, but the parents are nearing 60 (I'm 58 and my youngest is 15), so not much chance of reentering the workforce, especially under the current climate.
If the family earns enough money to enable one parent not to work then no judgement.
If their spouses earn enough and they have decided on their own personal division of responsibilities I don't think anything about it. If a person is independently wealthy enough not to have to work then that's their choice - I would hope they are doing something worthwhile or what they are passionate about otherwise what a waste of a life. If one is single and not working - why not? Physical and mental.health concerns aside - any occupation - paid or not - must be better than nothing.

@museumum I guess I feel I have some insight and know that a 'typical' job probably won't suit my skills and weaknesses very well. I've not ruled out all forms of employment - i.e. I find some interest in freelancer work or being a small business owner, which I may at some point pursue. I'm also aware though that these can be difficult for me due to my PDA (and as occasionally evidenced upthread) negative responses to PDA. However, I'm not resigning myself to be a hermit in the mountains just yet - I still have some ambition, I was just wondering the public perception on how I would be perceived if that were the lifestyle I chose / where I ended up. x

@Pipandmum I guess I can't really comment if physical and mental health concerns are put aside but I guess I don't think everyone wants to work, even if they're on a basic level compatible with working, and some people get by with just entertaining themselves / devoting themselves to other causes x

There are three people close to me who have never worked, obviously I can't say who as it;'s very outing.
One is just lazy and never worked even before children just lived off family. Now has kids and hasn't worked since early 20's, husband is useless so still lives off family.
The other one has been a housewife for 60 years and ignores all her husbands infidelities, violent outbursts and aggression towards her children because she has nothing of her own and has never wanted to work.She is happy to turn a blind eye to all this so she can live in comfort and doesn't care about the affairs, money is more important.
The third has no children at all and has never, ever worked, doesn't want to. She lived until recently with her abusive husband, not violent but just treats her like a second class citizen and keeps her short of money. After 50 years of this she decided she wanted to leave him but has no money, no pension and all his assetts are abroad so an english court cannot order maintenance or property sale as he'd just leave the country. He has US nationality. if she leaves she'll have to live in a hostel and live on benefits. As it happens she was diagnosed with dementia recently and is now in a nursing home which he doesn't pay for, he has gone back home so the state pays for it. I know she regretted her life choices.
I'd never rely on a man like that, I don't trust any of them.

@madcatladyforever I can understand why, based on those experiences, you would not want to be reliant on another person financially. But not sure if the repeated idea on this site of never trusting a man is particularly healthy or forward thinking... can't help but feel like if a bloke said never to trust a woman there would be pitchforks and torches outside his door. But I can understand why you personally wouldn't want to be financially reliant on anybody, regardless of gender, particularly people of an immoral or abusive calibre

I stopped working when my youngest was born (now 22) .
I put all my energies into rearing my family and supporting my husband in his work.
I do all the housework cooking and cleaning.
Dh cuts grass and any manual upkeep but everything else is down to me.
I worked part time here and there when my youngest started school but have not really worked in 10 years instead I have focused on my family and home. This worked for me and my family.
It's not for everyone I made a lot of sacrifices such as no holidays, no meals out, no new clothes or handbags. Just basics to keep me clothed and tidy. It sounds sad but it was my choice and I have no regrets other than feeling I have to constantly justify myself for making my decision to be a Sahm.

@Maverick66 Does the feeling of needing to make excuses / rationalise to people that you're a SAHM ever go away? My DH likes the idea of a holiday once in a while, and I can go for a cheap top every couple of months but we're not people with a strong desire to be exceptionally wealthy or excess spenders. I guess comfort matters more to me than luxury. If you don't mind me asking, how old were you when you became a SAHM? x