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Original poster

Opinions on women who've never worked?

346 replies

mangomcjango · 20/08/2020 22:49

Name changed to avoid being flamed for whatever reason Grin.

What is your opinion about someone who's never worked - by choice or by situation? For example, someone who went to university full time, got pregnant, became a SAHM and then went into early retirement.

Does your opinion change based on things like disability - i.e. if this person has a disability like autism, or a demand avoidant condition that makes it hard for them to work? Or is it all just laziness?

Cheers! Flowers

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coronafiona · 21/08/2020 23:27

Honestly: I am super jealous. Life is so hard when you work and parent. Lucky you!

Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 23:30

@coronafiona Hahaha grateful to have the option, just trying to see if it's the lifestyle choice for me. Good luck with the parenting and work, I hope it gets less stressful Flowers x

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Maverick66 · 21/08/2020 23:34

I was 32 and I'm 53 now.
I have no regrets about my lifestyle but even now people still make snide remarks but they don't know the sacrifices I made. My husband and I are very happy with our arrangement he liked the fact that I was at home to deal with the minutiae of family life. My friends would always accuse me of being subservient but that is not true. The fact is I found work and children stressful and I worked in admin job which I hated. I had the luxury if always coming home to my mother in the house and a home cooked meal and I wanted that for my children. It has really shaped them they are wonderful adults and they have a great relationship with us and each other.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 23:37

@Maverick66 You sound like you have a really happy home life, wow Smile do you have any tips or tricks for a younger generation possibly looking to achieve a similar feat? x

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Maverick66 · 21/08/2020 23:42

For us whenI took out the cost of childcare, the fact we would need two cars, taking unpaid leave for school appointments, dentist appointments, dr appointments etc etc it just wasn't financially viable.
However I do wish I had furthered my education whilst rearing my family.
I would love a job now but find it difficult to put myself out there.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 23:46

@Maverick66 I think the thing that stresses me about about going for a career as a big priority is that you always have to be on the ball... as soon as you've been unemployed for an extended period, even for justifiable reasons like motherhood, you're instantly a less viable candidate... For me, I'm not sure I could juggle being a mother and having to keep an eye on working at the same time. I guess what I'm figuring out is that my family life is my priority, and the world of work is an avenue that I'll try and take if the opportunity comes along ...

Thank you for contributing! Flowers x

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Maverick66 · 21/08/2020 23:51

I would say if you can afford to pay your bills and you and your husband can agree your roles in family life then go for it.

It is tough being a sahm but I brought three children into this world and I wanted to be there for them, I was never career driven but my friends were and that is fine it's horses for courses. But you must be honest with yourself . Only you know your finances and what you can and can't afford.

My children appreciate all I have done for them but that's not to say they would have been any less appreciative if I had worked.

People will and do judge but that is their insecurity not mine.

Kaiserin · 21/08/2020 23:55

Can't be bothered to read the full thread... mostly I'd worry about their long term finances (e.g. pension?), and whether the person they are financially dependent on (husband, partner?) treats them well, and what would happen if that person died or could no longer work.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 23:55

@Maverick66 I actually had a chat with DH about it this afternoon, which reaffirmed my thoughts on the situation honestly. He said something along the lines of accepting whatever choice I made, but he knew I was leaning towards being a SAHM and so enjoyed the thought that I and his children could be happy and well looked after at home. As for bills, we'd need to do some budgeting and not eat out as much (probably put a ban on JustEat on our phones haha!) but we'd be able to live tightly for a bit, and within the next 5-10 years would probably be relatively well off. I'm glad women get to make the choice of what they want to do these days, I just wish there wasn't as much stigma around the more traditional route.

Thank you for your advice and I think; "People will and do judge but that is their insecurity not mine." is advice that will stick with me. Flowers x

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Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 23:56

@Kaiserin I'm pretty sure you can pay into a pension, can you not? I get your points though, most of this stuff is pretty circumstantial

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Maverick66 · 22/08/2020 00:03

I wish you luck @mangomcjango
It is a big decision and I understand your concerns about how taking any sort of break impacts your 'worth' to an employer.
My son and his wife have just had their first baby. My daughter-in-law has a stressful job but she has taken to motherhood like a duck to water and is considering asking her employer to return to work part time.
It means no new cars for next five years and putting their new kitchen on hold but they are luxuries that she is prepared to forgo if it means more family time.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 22/08/2020 00:06

@Maverick66 Honestly thank you! I think I'm just a quiet, slow moving kind of person - just want to live in a very old-school small town or village where I don't have to drive and can just raise my kids and maybe grow a couple of plants. I think I'm actually 102 years old, reincarnated [grins]. Thank you for your advice though, it's good to know that being a SAHM / Housewife (whatever the appropriate term) does work out well for some people. xx

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ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 22/08/2020 00:06

I had my first child at 16, followed by two more. I worked part time jobs in between, with the vague idea of “doing something” when my youngest went to school. As life turned out, not long after he did, I got sick and became disabled. Then I became a single mum. So I’m late 30’s and I’ve never had a full time job. I’ve made adjustments that mean I can cope with my disability and with caring for my children (I know it was questioned upthread if you could really be too sick to work, but able to be a parent) but I admit it would have been a lot trickier if they had been younger and needed me physically more (lifting, carrying, etc).
So, no I wouldn’t judge. We often don’t see or know the big picture of other people’s lives.

dicksplash · 22/08/2020 00:07

If I'm honest, fit and healthy people I think are foolish not to work. But my mum left school at 16 with no qualifications, married at 17 and had first child at 18. Dad in services so holding a job was difficult.My dad left her at 27 so we were pretty much brought up on benefits of some kind or other. She has no decent pension to retire on.

Its made me determined to not only get an education but to work and keep working. Yes it was hard when our children were young but now they are older its easier and at least I have been contributing to my pension and I know that if something happens to my husband or our marriage I can work and be fine.

Maverick66 · 22/08/2020 00:08

You can pay into a private pension.
We married young and have equity in our home together with husband's private pension. We also have life insurance.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 22/08/2020 00:09

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer Are there any adjustments you would have made in retrospect? If you knew you were going to get sick after your youngest went to school for example, would you have tried to pursue full time work or are you happy in the way things worked out? Thank you for your contribution xx

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Original poster
mangomcjango · 22/08/2020 00:12

@dicksplash Delightful username fyi. Do you think your issue is with your mum not working, or being reliant on benefits though? Or both? I.e. if an individual has a way of living their life 'privately' (i.e. not reliant on government funding) is this an acceptable reason not to work, or should everyone be working anyway? x

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ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 22/08/2020 00:15

Honestly? I’m very thankful that I had my children before I got sick, because if I had waited then I might not have been able to have them at all. That said I do regret bringing them into the relationships I did, so that’s harder. I was never super ambitious though, so maybe if I had been then that would have been harder to swallow. I’m also trying to get a little bit of an at home business going, now that my youngest is a teenager and it will just be me and him in the house, so we’ll see.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 22/08/2020 00:18

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer Oh the part abut the at home business is great- what is it, if you don't mind me asking? I guess I don't feel especially ambitious either - I really wish I had something I desperately wanted to be, but I can't help but feel any career I went in to would sort of just be playing dress up. I'll probably get some work to keep myself busy a bit later on, but I just feel like employment with my various disabilities & personality maybe doesn't mesh well together ... x

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ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 22/08/2020 00:39

I have a crafty hobby, and after several friends complimenting my work, I’m tentatively starting to try to sell items.. I’ve sold a few things now to friends / their friends, and it’s also fun to showcase what I make on Instagram etc, and connect with other crafters.
I just want to say how well you’ve come across on this thread. People haven’t always been nice and you’ve responded with a good deal of grace Flowers. I’ve also found it really helpful to read.

dicksplash · 22/08/2020 00:44

@mangomcjango for me its about independence. If someone has funds to live without relying on someone else then great, it's not about working as such. I just never want to end up like my mum. Life was hard for us as children with no money, free school meals were an embarrassment, having second hand clothes, not being able to afford school trips etc. Mum did work but with no qualifications and no work history her earning potential was limited and at times sporadic.

I know I don't want that life for me or my children. Non of us know what life will bring and of course in an ideal world our loving relationships with a partner who is happy to be the bread winner will last... but when it doesn't the non working partner is almost always screwed over.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 22/08/2020 00:48

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer Oh amazing! If you give me a hint to what your talent is, I'd love to buy something! (I don't have any social media unfortunately, but could PM you?) Thank you so much for saying that though, it's a bit of a thin line to tread- I never want to be super defensive and start a fight about an issue, but I also want to help provide more information about causes that are often underrepresented. Thank you for sharing your experience Star xx

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Original poster
mangomcjango · 22/08/2020 00:50

@dicksplash I think I want to get myself to a point where if shit really hits the fan, I will be able to get a job that pays the bills even if menial and makes me feel terrible. However, I'm also willing to admit that I do trust my husband and if there were any element of divorce, we would discuss it for a long time and attempt it amicably- on MN, this is often seen as naivety but I do trust him as a person. I hope to never need to claim benefits other than PIP for the old autism, though. x

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Shortfeet · 22/08/2020 00:56

I’m pretty shocked by anyone who has never worked.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 22/08/2020 00:58

@Shortfeet Why is that do you think? x

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