Opinions on women who've never worked?

[mangomcjango]

Name changed to avoid being flamed for whatever reason .

What is your opinion about someone who's never worked - by choice or by situation? For example, someone who went to university full time, got pregnant, became a SAHM and then went into early retirement.

Does your opinion change based on things like disability - i.e. if this person has a disability like autism, or a demand avoidant condition that makes it hard for them to work? Or is it all just laziness?

Cheers!

Are you thinking you won't ever work OP or and you just preparing yourself that it might not be a possibility? I wonder if, over time, your situation might change (..and no, I'm not suggesting you might grow out of having Asperger and PDA - I know it doesn't work like that)

Also, there are lots of ways to live if you don't work. Some good and some bad. When I first had a stretch of not working I played lots and lots and lots of sport, had hobbies and did a full day a week voluntary work plus socialised with loads of friends.' It was very fulfilling at the time. It depends what you do with your time. Money, health and friends and family ball make a difference.

Saying that, I do think working has been very good for me.

@ItsIslandTime So, I'm not setting myself up for a life of definitely having no work - i.e. I've not made the absolute, final decision. But I am also aware that I don't have a particular drive for any specific career field, I don't have any immediate financial need to work and the world of employment doesn't usually align especially well with what I as an autistic person might need. My situation may easily change, and I'm working quite hard to come up with coping mechanisms, but I'm also aware that autism isn't something you can medicate or simply decide not to be.

I guess I'm looking into the more typical path (uni then career then marriage then kids, though obviously I've done some of this in the wrong order) but also trying to see if people can get by on a less 'acceptable' route in life. I guess I don't want to be weak / coasting along (my perception of what I could be, not what other people could be or are!) but I also don't want to kill myself every day trying to juggle everything solely for the benefit of other people not judging me.

As others have already mentioned, with a family history of autism and autistic traits, chances are that you may have a child with autism.

You not only have to think about the day-to-day care of your child but also the vast number of demands from outside that will accompany that.

You would be interacting with a multitude of professionals in order to try to get a diagnosis or access therapy. They will all be making demands of your time - "Turn up for this appointment", "Use this strategy each day and report back", "Come to this meeting", "Fill in these forms".

At school age there could potentially be lots of meetings to discuss behaviours, strategies, and even more appointments with outside bodies. If your child needs an EHCP this could involve a long and drawn-out process to try to get one. If the school you are offered isn't suitable, the onus is on you to try to find another one that will accept your child - harder still if they require a more specialist school.

Then when you finally get them settled, it starts all over again with the transition to secondary - unless they have a school that goes all the way up to age 16 or 18.

I've been through it twice and the demands it places on you are huge.

[quote mangomcjango]@SleepingStandingUp So do you think you value an interesting life (quote-on-quote) more than having a long history of jobs? x[/quote]
No I just think that the idea that if you've worked you've had this amazing life experience doesn't play out for many people in name toe jobs. DH had worked at how current place for a decade. Small team, they generally get on but there's little by way of thrilling life experience. He works for a wholesale furniture shop, he's not changing lives, he's not learning much about the world. But he's happy and it pays the bills. That's fine. Not every job is a career or life affirming

^yes, sorry I didn’t see your response! While I like working, I fully appreciate that it might have a negative impact on other people’s mental health, or just be too much if you have additional needs.

In nmw Jobs. No idea what name toe is

they've missed out on a lot of opportunity for life experiences, and friendships. Their life will be much shallower and narrower it s this bit in partic op. Some jobs are boring and tedious. You don't take to anyone most of the day or you hate your colleagues and customers. There are other ways of having friends and an interesting life.

I wouldn't meet someone who didn't work and assume you were boring, narrow minded with no life experience and someone to be pitied.

@ZenZebra I know, and I'm not so naive to assume that motherhood is without demands. I find it quite hard to communicate why the demands feel different in my head - I guess if it's for someone I love and a decision I have made, then through self care & coping mechanisms I can mostly get my PDA to take a backseat to my actual personality. Additionally, demands put on me by people who I love and trust (husband, children etc) are much more tolerable than demands put on me by an exterior force, as I know that no matter what happens I would still be supported- mostly by my husband, I wouldn't expect my children to support me, but I hope you understand what I mean. Doing things for a cause, like helping out my family, feels much more worthwhile and less anxiety inducing than entering the world of work to benefit the perception of judgemental strangers, I guess? Neurotypical people also have a scale of demands; as in, if someone asks you to make them a cup of tea then it wouldn't usually be a big deal. But if someone asks you to purchase and run a tea shop and incur all the debts, you'd probably be a lot less willing (sorry somewhat stupid example, but just trying to make a point).

I'm not really sure how to express it. I do acknowledge that being a mother comes with a whole slew of demands, but I think when I'm stubborn enough to really love something or want to work for it, I can (with the right support) manage it and cope.

Or, indeed, if you just want a more unconventional life (I can certainly appreciate that!)

@TheMarzipanDildo I think an unconventional life seems in the pathway no matter what I do honestly . So you'd not have any more judgements on a person for their unemployment, than you would if they were employed?

[quote mangomcjango]@ZenZebra I know, and I'm not so naive to assume that motherhood is without demands. I find it quite hard to communicate why the demands feel different in my head - I guess if it's for someone I love and a decision I have made, then through self care & coping mechanisms I can mostly get my PDA to take a backseat to my actual personality. Additionally, demands put on me by people who I love and trust (husband, children etc) are much more tolerable than demands put on me by an exterior force, as I know that no matter what happens I would still be supported- mostly by my husband, I wouldn't expect my children to support me, but I hope you understand what I mean. Doing things for a cause, like helping out my family, feels much more worthwhile and less anxiety inducing than entering the world of work to benefit the perception of judgemental strangers, I guess? Neurotypical people also have a scale of demands; as in, if someone asks you to make them a cup of tea then it wouldn't usually be a big deal. But if someone asks you to purchase and run a tea shop and incur all the debts, you'd probably be a lot less willing (sorry somewhat stupid example, but just trying to make a point).

I'm not really sure how to express it. I do acknowledge that being a mother comes with a whole slew of demands, but I think when I'm stubborn enough to really love something or want to work for it, I can (with the right support) manage it and cope.[/quote]
All I'd suggest op is to do some reading to at least prepare yourself. There's plenty of blogs etc from people with children with autism, from people with autism and children etc. I might help you to be related for what it night be like, whether your children are NT or not

What do you do all day?

@SleepingStandingUp To be honest, I've spent a ton of my time reading as much as I can on things to do with motherhood- whether it's pregnancy, or having a baby, or having a teenager, or non NT children. I've been trying to write as much as I can down and format it so I'll remember it easily -- I guess as nerdy as it sounds, studying for motherhood . I do think that learning a lot before TTC is, for me personally, an important step so I'm doing as much as I can to stabilise my life before making any big decisions. If anyone has any advice, feel free to share it

I'm aware the thread has moved on but to answer the original question- I don't give a toss. Live the life that makes you happy and I wish you well. I would be incensed to be expected not to work because I was a woman; the reverse of that is that I would look badly on anyone who thought women who did not wish to engage in paid work outside the home and who had no need to should do so anyway. Be you, be happy.

@Hyperion100 Right now, doing the nerdy motherhood prep stuff ^^ for the future. I'm starting an HNC course in less than a month, which I'm trying to mentally gear myself up for. I took a gap year from last May ish, because I had a lot of difficulty with my situation and knew I wouldn't be able to cope if I jumped into anything too quickly, so since then I've been doing short online courses and mostly getting my mental health back to the calm baseline by trying to relax & have more fun.

[quote mangomcjango]@SleepingStandingUp To be honest, I've spent a ton of my time reading as much as I can on things to do with motherhood- whether it's pregnancy, or having a baby, or having a teenager, or non NT children. I've been trying to write as much as I can down and format it so I'll remember it easily -- I guess as nerdy as it sounds, studying for motherhood . I do think that learning a lot before TTC is, for me personally, an important step so I'm doing as much as I can to stabilise my life before making any big decisions. If anyone has any advice, feel free to share it [/quote]
Have them one at a time 😂😂😂😂👶👶

@mangomcjango

I used to enjoy going to work because I'm a very active person and I like to be occupied, but the constant interaction with people used to overwhelm me and I eventually burned out. I used to hide on nightshift a lot of the time. The increasing bureaucracy, paperwork and makework training was also very difficult to deal with. I can't interact with neurotypicals at all now. My menial work involves pet care, so I'm fine now, but not really busy enough.

My eldest son has PDA. I'm hoping he will be able to hold a job down. He's very gifted academically, but struggles with activities of daily living.

Work is the autistic's biggest challenge in my experience. I'm only 50, but it was making me suicidal and I had to leave. I miss the brainwork and activity though. I am chronically bored now.

@unmarkedbythat Thank you for your contribution, I agree that we shouldn't tar women by the same brush and should respect everyone's individual decisions. I'm just curious on public consensus

@SleepingStandingUp Hahaha I'll try my best

@rosiethehen I'm sorry you've had a hard time - autism is a condition that I'm not sure is perfectly suited to modern day life. Are there any hobbies you enjoy doing to stimulate your mind? x

Honestly?.... I will never understand women who go to university, train and work hard... Then give it all up to become a sahp/housewife at the age of 20-30. I know women who have trained to become Dr's /nurses/teachers but never returned to their career which they worked so hard for.

I say this as someone who works for practically minimum wage.
Its up to each individual, I wouldn't say they're lazy. Quite the opposite, they've worked so hard, just to pack it all in one day

I wouldn’t care, it’s not my business.
I struggle with mental health and have spent some years working, some not. I am currently studying.
I wouldn’t judge someone based on their career or lack of it, sometimes it’s just too bloody hard to hold a job down.

@Giganticshark Would you advise women who intend on SAHPs to forgo the higher education route? Or do you advise that women who have already completed higher education shouldn't be SAHPs?

Thank you for your contribution x

@Somethingkindaoooo

Is ' Demand avoidance' really a thing?

It absolutely is and can cause a lot of unhappiness in families.