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Original poster

Opinions on women who've never worked?

346 replies

mangomcjango · 20/08/2020 22:49

Name changed to avoid being flamed for whatever reason Grin.

What is your opinion about someone who's never worked - by choice or by situation? For example, someone who went to university full time, got pregnant, became a SAHM and then went into early retirement.

Does your opinion change based on things like disability - i.e. if this person has a disability like autism, or a demand avoidant condition that makes it hard for them to work? Or is it all just laziness?

Cheers! Flowers

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FinallyHere · 21/08/2020 15:25

I would feel very sorry for anyone who had not had the experience of working.

While I don't pretend that I enjoy every minute of working, I have been really lucky in finding roles which are very interesting and give me the opportunity to work with some really talented and interesting people.

Lots of the things I have been given to do, I didn't initially think I could do. Only afterwards did I realise that it was possible. That rollercoaster of learning and achieving can be scary but we remind each other of the good times...

I've learned a lot and been able to hand on some of that knowledge too, which is of course very satisfying, too. Being trusted to get things done, being able to justify that trust is one of the best feeling in the world.

It doesn't seem fair to me that others have not had that opportunity.

ItsIslandTime · 21/08/2020 15:39

My advice for having a baby would be to make sure you have enough money and make sure you have a very sound relationship.

Are you home owners? Have you savings? I guess a huge issue with not working is that all the responsibility falls on the person who works. They have to be onboard with being the only earner. It obliges them to stay in work and not to take career breaks etc. what if they get made unemployed or are stesssed at work. Having two adults capable of working even if one isn’t is a massive safety net.
I think being nerdy and swotting up on how to parent is a good idea. I tried to treat being a Mum as a job. I’d ask my myself what I could do to be a better Mum and I’d set goals for myself. Sounds silly but it worked for me. I didn’t take any advice I got as definitely being correct, I made my own decisions but was open to learning.
Having kids can be more stressful than anything else Imo, little kids weren’t the issue but adult kids can have adult problems and as a Mum that can be very overwhelming.

MyOwnSummer · 21/08/2020 15:40

I guess it depends on who is paying the bills to an extent -

SAHM - great lifestyle if that's what works for you personally, but you can be left very vulnerable if the DH decides to trade you in for a better offer. You're dependant on him not turning out to be an utter cunt. I would never choose this for myself, but I completely respect why other people do.

Benefits - strongly dislike this option as a choice. Everyone I know who claims is completely legitimate and doing their best to improve their situations. But sat on your arse for 40 years being paid by the state with no attempt to work on removing the barriers to paid work? Not keen on that to be honest. I'd say the person is morally obliged to try and get to a place where they can work rather than expecting the rest of us to support them. Again, I'd also see this as a miserable existence as benefits are not generous, it hardly seems like a fun or entertaining way to live - always having to count every penny.

In both cases, I'd say the person is missing out on something really good - the amazing personal satisfaction and sense of safety you get when you earn good money for yourself and rely on nobody else.

If working in office type roles isn't for you, self employed options could be the way forward, ideally in roles where there is limited opportunity for clients to piss you off. Surely that would be the first choice if possible?

starsparkle08 · 21/08/2020 15:45

My son has autism with a demand avoidant profile and he even avoids the most simplistic demands like please use the toilet until he will almost wet himself . He is aged 9 and attends specialist education .
He will throw things , push people , make inappropriate comments ( also these things relate to his adhd ) but he is unable to conform . It’s such a hard thing to explain . We have lots of input from mental health services , behavioural specialists and they find him incredibly difficult to work with. They agree he isn’t naughty but unable not to act on impulse . The PDA is anxiety based and the need for control to alleviate the anxiety which is continuous .

NewCatMummy · 21/08/2020 15:48

If the demand avoidance is so severe that you are unable to work I don’t think having children is a good idea. They are incredibly demanding and their needs cant wait. You have to be able to put them before yourself. Also the demands come when you are at your most tired, hungry, busy and have the most things to do. NT parents find it hard when they are woken hourly, haven’t had a hot drink for six months, can’t see the utility room floor for laundry, have to eat every meal one handed while holding a baby etc. Even at school age there are demands for dress up days, tombola donations, play dates, brownie camp, swimming lessons, sandwiches cut into triangles not squares, Everyone Else has Call of Duty, I want a puppy, I can’t find my other shoe etc. It’s far from easy.

2bazookas · 21/08/2020 15:53

Mango, parenting a baby means you're on duty full time to a very demanding boss who doesn't speak the language and has no grasp of timetables , or anybody elses needs.

 The Boss  is liable to scream  if you  don't understand or fulfil their demands, and  nobody goes home at 5pm. It's a lot tougher than  going to work. 

   It's certainly going to challenge your PDA.
Giganticshark · 21/08/2020 15:54

Neither.
I'd say do whatever makes you and your family happy.
But keeping your financial independence is important. Pension etc to think about.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 15:55

My husband is in the emergency services (a job he loves, and has wanted to do since he was a little boy). This has a lot of opportunity for pay rise & promotion, as well as relatively early retirement - though obviously if he wanted to quit his job we would have to factor in a new plan. He is happy for me to work or not work, depending on how I'm doing and what other big commitments we have -e.g. kids.

As for finances, we are planning on buying a house late next year- we won't start until then as we have an unofficial commitment to our landlord that we would be moderately long-term renters (late next year is enough time to stick to that promise while also getting into the housing market prior to having kids). By the point of getting a mortgage, we will have £15-20k saved up for a deposit, and we would probably be getting a house in the 100k area as a kind of starter home. We'd have to do some better budgeting, and we're going to try to save even more money by the time we try to start a family, but we would be financially sound enough to get by pretty comfortably.

I'm definitely trying to learn & absorb as much as I can about being a parent- obviously first hand experience is the best way to learn, but I'm just working on the pre-application stages of motherhood I guess Grin x

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Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 15:59

@2bazookas I know it will be difficult, I'm not saying it will be an easy go of things. I can't explain the difference between the demands of work and family life very well, I know, but I guess my PDA compartmentalises them into different kinds of demands. Some are more tolerable, and more worthwhile than others, I guess.

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Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 16:34

@NewCatMummy So do you think people with autism or PDA shouldn't have kids?

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WrongKindOfFace · 21/08/2020 16:56

Have you looked after a child before? The reality is very different to the theory. Plus the theory is harder to apply when your child is screaming for no known reason, and you’re surviving on four hours of broken sleep and three custard creams.

I’m not saying don’t have children, but some real life experience might be helpful in making the decision.

WrongKindOfFace · 21/08/2020 16:59

I’d also suggest considering volunteer work to explore if you are able to manage in the workplace. It’s a much lower pressure way of exploring the world of work.

And you could look into Access to Work to see how that could support you in work in the future?

DelphiniumBlue · 21/08/2020 17:21

I've never met anyone who's never worked.
And I don't understand what you mean about being a SAHM and then going into early retirement. How can you retire if you never worked?

Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 18:21

Thanks to everyone who contributed to this thread. It's been great to hear everyone's opinions & thank you especially to anyone who was supportive. I'm probably going to go now, but if anyone wants to add anything else that's no problem. Thank you all Flowers

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DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 21/08/2020 20:26

I don't think "judge" is the word I would use. I like working, and have never (apart from mat leave) not worked, so it's more that I find I don't have masses in common with people who have never worked. I have a friend who has never had a job; she is a bit of a posh artist, so although she has sold some work here and there, as far as I know, she has always been supported by her father and then her estranged husband. She's always saying, "You're so busy! If only you had more time!" But really she wants me to have more time to sit around endlessly discussing her art groups and high-achieving relatives. I like being busy and productive and don't have much use for sitting about.

I also have a friend who has quite a few kids and doesn't work - but she does lots of interesting things for herself and is always up for stuff. I have plenty in common with her Smile

Yerroblemom1923 · 21/08/2020 21:42

I'm a bit confused about PDA and will google now to educate myself but surely many of us are regularly asked to do things at work that We'd rather not do but you just have to crack on because it's life...?

haggistramp · 21/08/2020 21:49

I'd be envious. Of course you don't know the ins and outs of their lives so they might not have access to money, or treated like a skivvy but at face value, if their partner is well paid so she doesn't have to work, then I'd be honestly a wee bit jealous.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/08/2020 21:57

@Yerroblemom1923

I'm a bit confused about PDA and will google now to educate myself but surely many of us are regularly asked to do things at work that We'd rather not do but you just have to crack on because it's life...?
you just have to crack on because... You don't have PDA?
Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 21:58

@Yerroblemom1923 by that logic though, clinical depression isn't real because "everyone feels a bit down sometimes but you just have to crack on because it's life...?"

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Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 21:59

@SleepingStandingUp thank you for saying that. bit upsetting reading so many people not acknowledging that autistic people / people with PDA exist and have a hard time?

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SleepingStandingUp · 21/08/2020 22:00

I find I don't have masses in common with people who have never worked... I have a friend who has quite a few kids and doesn't work - but she does lots of interesting things for herself and is always up for stuff. I have plenty in common with her so actually out isn't that you have nothing in common with people who don't work, it's that you have nothing in common without similar interests to you

SleepingStandingUp · 21/08/2020 22:02

[quote mangomcjango]@SleepingStandingUp thank you for saying that. bit upsetting reading so many people not acknowledging that autistic people / people with PDA exist and have a hard time?[/quote]
No problem. Presumably by the same logic my son should just crack on with eating enough food to sustain him like we all do and I can ditch his PEG tomorrow.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 22:06

@SleepingStandingUp If I'm honest, some of this thread has helped with people being supportive / reasonable, and other parts have made me feel even worse about the whole job thing and being on the spectrum ...

I guess the idea that people don't understand my condition and therefore can't offer much help has been reinforced, but maybe I was naive to hope it would be different ... who knows really ...

I'm sorry about your son Flowers

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SleepingStandingUp · 21/08/2020 22:10

[quote mangomcjango]@SleepingStandingUp If I'm honest, some of this thread has helped with people being supportive / reasonable, and other parts have made me feel even worse about the whole job thing and being on the spectrum ...

I guess the idea that people don't understand my condition and therefore can't offer much help has been reinforced, but maybe I was naive to hope it would be different ... who knows really ...

I'm sorry about your son Flowers[/quote]
Please don't be sorry for my perfect bit. He's great. I told him the warranty was up on him so should I keep him? He said yes. I asked why. He told me cos he's so funny, awesome and fantastic. The kid was right 😂. He's perfect, just got a few issues with eating.

Original poster
mangomcjango · 21/08/2020 22:13

@SleepingStandingUp Hahahaha he sounds right! I know any kind of comfort from people on the internet can sound like condescending bollocks, but I had an eating disorder when I was younger and you can pull through it - in fact I've pulled through a bit too hard and now need to shed a few pounds, if I'm honest Grin

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