Work colleague raped me 5 years ago and I've finally snapped

[Twentypasttwelve]

Just that really.

I can't take being near him a moment longer. I've been signed off with stress and anxiety for 2 weeks.

I have no idea what to do. If I tell my manager why I'm off, is it confidential? Would he have to follow it up? I don't think I can bear reporting it to the police. I am not sure I can bear telling anyone at work tbh.

Could I look for work elsewhere while I'm off? I don't feel up to it tbh. I've asked the GP for therapy, so I am on the waiting list for that.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome. I'm feeling okay atm but have felt like I was having a nervous breakdown, and am sure I will again soon.

Please help.

For the first time since it happened I am actually considering reporting. I'm not sure it really will be worth it as its my word against his, there's no proof.

Would my colleagues who were present that night and witnessed him piling me into a taxi, unable to stand up or speak... Would their statements help the case? The fact that he is a known alcoholic and drug taker and on the whole an unsavoury character (uses the dark net, deals drugs to other colleagues) carry any weight against him? I'm trying to weigh things up.

Also, just mulling over my role within WA. I understand why they have policies in place, but surely women who work there experience assault / abuse while they are employed by WA? What happens in these instances, surely they help the woman, they don't tell her she can no longer work there iyswim?

Their statements May help. It tbh it is not for you to decide how to prove this. It is the police's.

I think women who are hurt while in WA employment are completely different it those going to work for them after an assault without full care.

Tbh even if you report and nothing happens beyond them talking to him it might very much help the next woman he rapes.

Anyone who was there who can give a statement, anyone you've told. For example if you have had counselling, they can use your notes as evidence. Any text messages, if you have told your GP it will be on your medical notes.

I really recommend calling the helpline number I posted (also on the useful resources on the website) or your local rape crisis to see if you can talk to an independent sexual violence advocate (an ISVA). They can talk you through the process and you can weigh up how you are feeling. They don't put pressure on you, it's completely your decision. If you decide to report, they can arrange reporting it, they can come with you, they can support you the through the whole process and be with you at trial. Take your time, there is no rush. For me, I had to try. I needed him to know I wouldn't keep his secret anymore, whatever had happened i had told, and the police had listened. Whatever had happened he had been questioned by the police and that would he terrifying

OP the other thing to consider is this. I thought it was just me. When the police started investigating they found others. Sometimes that person has been reported before. I was aware that even if nothing happened this time if he was found not guilty (which doesn't mean innocent it just means it is not beyond reasonable doubt) it will remain on record so sjouke it happens again it will be on file

Hello everyone

Well I am still off work. Been signed off for another month.

I reported work rapist via the anonymous online form on Crimestoppers. I decided it is pointless to report to the police as there is zero evidence and to be frank I couldn't deal with it all.

I told my line manager, who was shocked but not surprised. He is 100% supportive in whatever I want to do from here.

I just keep going over and over what step to take next. Do I tell the big boss / HR in the hopes he is asked to leave / moved (this has happened before when there have been allegations of a sexual nature apparently, they are asked to leave quietly through the back door)? So I leave quietly, never to be seen again?

I have so much love and concern from everyone in the office. Messages asking how I am and that I am missed etc. It makes me so angry that I've been effectively pushed out of my job, a place where I am very well liked and people actually care about me, because if this bastard.

Not sure why I'm posting or if anyone will even read this. I am still waiting for therapy and mn is the only place I can mull things over with someone from the outside.

Any thoughts would be helpful. X

DO I leave quietly, never to be seen again?

If your rapist weren't there, would you want to go back? If you don't want to go back at all, then I would just leave quietly. If you would like to go back if he were no longer around, I would report higher and let work know I couldn't return to work while he is still employed. However, they would have to investigate fully, so it would not be a quick process, which might mean it would make more sense to go anyway, but I wouldn't say you're in a position to know that yet.

Does your job allow working from home or anything which could mean you can work, but not come into contact with him?

Thanks for replying

Yes I would go back. I love the people and the hours suit me and my childcare perfectly. I would be thinking about leaving for a career change in the next 5 years, that was the plan. I've started training to get into my new career and it'd take around 5 years to be fully qualified, which fits perfectly with when my ds goes to secondary school. I had it perfectly planned. Until now

It's easier for me to work in the office than it would be to work from home (travel wise)

The only real solution is if he gets transferred to another campus or asked to leave (he has had many previous warnings for bad behaviour, including drugs, drunken behaviour, being aggressive etc).

Or if he just kills himself. Or gets run over and dies. That would be just peachy.

Then you could speak to management about what options and timescales there could be to allow your return.

If I speak to senior management I am worried about losing control of the situation, what if they are obliged to report to the police or speak to the rapist about the allegations.

Speak to your linemanager again to see if they know what obligations are in place or what advice they have?

My line manager is looking into it for me

Hello all

Not sure if anyone is still reading this.

Today I am having a video call with my line manager and his boss. They both know why I'm still off sick and they want to talk about the next steps. HR have also been informed.

I feel like I'm going into the lions den and I'm really scared.

A hand hold / words of wisdom / advice on what I need to find out, or things I need to ask would be amazing right now.

No words of wisdom I am afraid, but I just wanted to let you know that I think you are very brave. Here is a virtual hug

I’ve only just found your thread op and I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. You are one brave lady!

Remember that you are still in control. You decide what happens next and no one can make you do anything

Bumping this for you in the hope that someone who knows what they are talking about comes along!
Here for a hand hold though

No words of wisdom but a handhold here. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this

A hand hold here too op.

Hello OP, I've only just seen your thread and can only echo what others have said above me! If you have the time perhaps you could call ACAS for some advice about your rights? They're really helpful and you don't have to identify yourself to them. For the meeting, consider having a pen and some paper to hand so that you can make some notes. Also, take your time - ask for pauses/breaks/time to think where necessary, and ask them to follow up with a summary of the meeting in writing and set a date to review the situation? I hope that helps, wishing you all the best for your meeting ❤

Hope your meeting goes well and they get rid of the bastard.

Good luck for today! Hope it goes well for you.

I feel like I'm going into the lions den and I'm really scared.

Good luck, OP. I'm not surprised you're scared.

Some advice - it might be useful (or it might not ), but something to think about anyway - even if you disagree, sometimes working why, can help work out what you want to do.

I was in a situation of facing an investigation (not for abuse, I hasten to add) - it was a malicious complaint made against me which was eventually found not to be worth taking forward past an informal discussion. However, I could have lost my job.

I spoke to our employee assistance people for advice, and one thing really stuck with me. The advisor said to me that I didn't have to say much. I should let them do the talking, in order for them to substantiate the allegations.

Now, you're in a very different position, as you are making a complaint (and not a trumped up one). But I think that the 'not saying too much' is still really good advice.

Maybe you could simply ask a question. Something like:
"I am medically signed off for stress and its negative effects on my physical & mental health. What can you do to ensure I have a workplace to return to which will not make me ill again?"

or

"How will you ensure that I am safe in my workplace when I return?"

And then let them answer. Keep silent for longer than might feel comfortable.

It is not down to you to solve their problem.

Just picked up your thread. I’m really glad you are standing up for your self. I hope all goes well with the call.

Imagine we are all here with you in a circle of protection. Ask them to consider on the balance of probabilities whether you are telling the truth and if they have any thoughts about how you can find a way back to work without further damage to your mental health. Good luck ... we are right beside you.

I believe you.