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Original poster

Work colleague raped me 5 years ago and I've finally snapped

348 replies

Twentypasttwelve · 12/02/2020 18:46

Just that really.

I can't take being near him a moment longer. I've been signed off with stress and anxiety for 2 weeks.

I have no idea what to do. If I tell my manager why I'm off, is it confidential? Would he have to follow it up? I don't think I can bear reporting it to the police. I am not sure I can bear telling anyone at work tbh.

Could I look for work elsewhere while I'm off? I don't feel up to it tbh. I've asked the GP for therapy, so I am on the waiting list for that.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome. I'm feeling okay atm but have felt like I was having a nervous breakdown, and am sure I will again soon.

Please help.

OP posts:
cabbageking · 13/02/2020 13:16

This is a Police matter from 5 years ago.
It is not for work to investigate nor do they have powers to decide who is or is not guilty.

If the case went to court and he was found guilty then perhaps work can take action depending on their policies and the legalities.

How are work to decide who is and is not telling the truth?
What skills do they have to investigate?
How can they access evidence?
They have no powers to investigate and no rights to delve into the accused past or even the skills to decide what is and is not true.
It is outside their powers and infringes on the defendants rights.
It becomes a kangaroo court.

They may wish to take action should there be a legal outcome. Why would they investigate when the option to take the correct legal action remains.

He is innocent until the court says otherwise.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 13/02/2020 13:24

I still don't know what I am going to do about Work Rapist.

OP posts:
Mischance · 13/02/2020 13:24

I am so sorry that this happened to you. I am concerned for your well-being, but also for the young students. It very definitely is a safeguarding issue and I do think that, however hard to do, you need to talk to the university authorities. I am sorry to be blunt, but how would you feel if you heard he had done the same to a student?

I do know it is very hard indeed for you to open this can of worms and send you all my sympathy for your situation.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 13/02/2020 18:24

Today has been such a positive day. The role I am volunteering in is going to be advertised as permanent full time role next week. Its an admin role, no answering calls or anything like that. If I got this job it would mean I could just leave my current job and be done with it.

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 13/02/2020 19:09

It very definitely is a safeguarding issue and I do think that, however hard to do, you need to talk to the university authorities. I am sorry to be blunt, but how would you feel if you heard he had done the same to a student?

Legally it is not a safeguarding issue. Safeguarding applies to children and vulnerable adults. And whether to report it is a decision for the OP to make based on her own needs, not something she should be guilt-tripped into. And in full knowledge of the fact that universities typically try to shut women up and protect male employees in situations like this.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 13/02/2020 19:13

Thank you GCA. I'm not sure I will be able to disclose this information and it is nice to read your message. Being made to feel guilty is an awful feeling, this happened to me through no fault of my own. The way I am thinking now, I just want to move on and forget it all, leave it behind me.

Tomorrow I may feel different. But right now I'm actually feeling positive about life which I didn't think would happen for me again!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/02/2020 19:21

I think you should do what gives your mind peace

If you think you need to get away from your existing work environment, grab onto any opportunity that will help you

You are under no obligation to report your rapist and potentially set off a change of events that spirals out of your control whilst ultimately not helping you

TARSCOUT · 13/02/2020 23:38

I do not think you should be volunteering. You may not expect to have any contact with service users but likely you will and even if you don't you will be privy to information on their problems which will not be good for you. You are putting your MH at risk. If you don't feel any of that is likely then tell them and take it from there.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 14/02/2020 07:47

AF thank you. I felt peace yesterday for the first time in a long time.

Not having to go in and face him today has given me peace too. I'm so happy I don't need to force myself to speak to him.

I am going to continue with women's aid. All the women I spoke to yesterday has a story just as I do.

I am coming back from this. I feel strong and I feel positive.

I'm going to enjoy my day slobbing about in my warm and lovely flat. I'm going to Potter around, I'm going to watch shit TV.

I know a few of you will disagree with me when I say I'm going to continue with WA and I probably won't report my rapist. But as AnyFucker said, whatever brings me peace.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/02/2020 08:02

Good luck Flowers

TARSCOUT · 14/02/2020 08:25

"I am going to continue with women's aid. All the women I spoke to yesterday has a story just as I do". Yes they do and they've dealt with it properly, you haven't yet. I do hope it works out for you but I suspect your unresolved trauma will cause you even more pain by putting yourself in this situation. Good luck.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 14/02/2020 08:26

Best of luck. I couldn’t agree more with AF that you need to put your needs first. No one has a duty to report and go through the process unless they choose to.

I hope your future is full of peace and good things. Moving on seems like a really productive and positive step for you.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 14/02/2020 08:33

Yes they do and they've dealt with it properly, you haven't yet actually, sadly, that's where you're wrong. One of the women I went to lunch with told me her husband hit her, but it's okay because she hit him back, and now they are okay.

People have shit going on in their lives. They crack on. Just as I am doing. Not a chance I'm going to let that fucker ruin things for me. Actually it's been the kick up the arse I needed to move my career in the direction I want. I understand why you'd be concerned for me and I thank you for that but I honestly feel stronger than ever and feel this is the right thing for me. I feel it very much so.

Thanks Chris for the supportive message.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/02/2020 08:43

Op, make sure you take full advantage of any professional supervision on offer

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 14/02/2020 09:31

I intend to, AF

OP posts:
toothfairy73 · 14/02/2020 19:25

I'm sorry to be blunt but how would you feel if you heard he had done the same to a student?

His actions (past or future) are not your responsibility. Only he is responsible for his actions. I once had something similar said to me. It not fair to put pressure on someone to report. It is a huge decision that only the individual can make when they are ready. It took me 17 years from when I first started thinking about it. I was adamant I had been through enough and didn't want to go through any more.

Good Luck OP, This new role sounds amazing.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 14/02/2020 20:03

Fairy thank you. You understand me. And that is invaluable to me atm. Such a relief to read your message,

It's awful to be told that if I report I could prevent the same happening to another woman. It's not down to me to protect all of womankind. I have to protect my own mental health and wellbeing. I can't go through the trauma of the event, the trauma of seeing him everyday for 5 years, and then the trauma of reporting (having to relive it, having everyone know, not being believed, being questioned about it, and him getting away with it anyway)

It does anger me that this is how it is. How many men have got away with rape because reporting it is too traumatic?? Its just so shit.

I feel so positive about the future. I need to stay focused on that. Its amazing that I feel this way considering how I felt a week ago. Knowing I don't have to see him helps immensely.

OP posts:
toothfairy73 · 14/02/2020 23:36

OP if you ever need to talk DM me or contact me via the webpage I sent you xx.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 15/02/2020 10:14

Fairy thanks again for your support.

I've had a look at your website. How inspirational! I am especially interested in the loan a phone thing. How fucking awful for a survivor of sexual assault, to have their means of communicating to be taken away at such a vulnerable time. It's like a punishment! I wonder, do they take away the accused mobile phones too? I hope so.

Anyway perhaps I could speak to WA about the loan a phone?

OP posts:
Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 15/02/2020 10:23

I also want to add, I found the Self Care page on your website extremely useful. I've ordered some aromatherapy roller ball, what a great idea! All the suggestions are great, I actually felt soothed and calmed by reading the page, which sounds very weird, but it's true. I'm going to make playlist for my different moods, I'm going to listen to Kesha too. I've never heard of her before. I've rejoined the gym so yoga and swimming for me. And lipstick. I am definitely going to start wearing lipstick every day. I never felt confident enough, hut fuck it. I'm going to do it, the new more confident me. 💋

OP posts:
Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 15/02/2020 10:32

Fairy, I've just read the article and watched the video on the website.

I'm so sorry for you and the other two. I applaud you all for standing up and speaking out. It's beyond brave. And the bastard got what he deserved (although he should never be let out imo)

It does make me question whether or not I should report my rapist. For now though, I need to give it a little rest and work on getting myself in a good position mentally. Then I can think about it properly.

OP posts:
toothfairy73 · 15/02/2020 11:09

@Twentypasttwelve I'm so glad you have found it helpful xxx please contact me if you want to talk, or through the page, or twitter, instagram and Facebook (all the links are on the website). We really wanted to support people who are facing that incredibly difficult decision. And no one can tell you what to do, it's an incredibly difficult decision, and it's something I never thought I would be strong enough to do. It was when I found my anger, and felt why should he get away with it? When I had been living with it all these years, that is when I had to try. But it took me years of should I? Can I? To get to that point.

toothfairy73 · 15/02/2020 11:10

And if you want to mention the phone thing that would be great xxxx

SunshineCake · 15/02/2020 11:52

I'm so sad for you and so angry another rapist will get away with his disgusting actions. I am not blaming you for not reporting him.

Ime only true peace came from reporting him, him losing all his privileges in his extremely high profile job, not being awarded an expected award, him being forced to plead guilty, him going to prison, everyone knowing what he had done and I hadn't lied and then really really good therapy.

Take care of yourself. Be careful about trying to help and advise people when you aren't helped and healed yourself Flowers.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2020 11:54

Gosh, I am glad tooth found your thread, op

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