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Original poster

Work colleague raped me 5 years ago and I've finally snapped

348 replies

Twentypasttwelve · 12/02/2020 18:46

Just that really.

I can't take being near him a moment longer. I've been signed off with stress and anxiety for 2 weeks.

I have no idea what to do. If I tell my manager why I'm off, is it confidential? Would he have to follow it up? I don't think I can bear reporting it to the police. I am not sure I can bear telling anyone at work tbh.

Could I look for work elsewhere while I'm off? I don't feel up to it tbh. I've asked the GP for therapy, so I am on the waiting list for that.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome. I'm feeling okay atm but have felt like I was having a nervous breakdown, and am sure I will again soon.

Please help.

OP posts:
Greenkit · 17/04/2020 18:53

I really hope things went well with your meeting and you were able to say what you needed to.

onalongsabbatical · 17/04/2020 20:04

Hope it went ok Twenty and you're able to relax now.

ChateauMargaux · 17/04/2020 20:56

I also hope it went Ok but whatever happened, you are a brave and amazing woman and you can face what comes next.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 18/04/2020 07:29

Morning.

I was an absolute wreck yesterday. The video call was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I basically spent half an hour just sobbing in front of two bosses. And then spent the evening crying 😢

I mean they said all the right things, that they want to ensure that I am able to return to work with as little pain and stress as humanly possible. But that for this to happen I would have to have an interview with HR and make a statement. The perpetrator would also be interviewed and made aware of my statement, and an investigation would take place. I know they 100% believe me, and they want him out and me back ASAP.

I am terrified and just wish I'd never said anything. I had hoped the call would make me feel better. They did stress that there is no pressure on me, that I should do what's right for me. But my line manager said, as a friend, he thinks I should go ahead with the investigation and come back to work once he's gone.

I don't know what to do. I'm in fight or flight mode and I feel I've frozen with fear. I can't bear the thought of him knowing I've told anyone, and he will be able to read my statement which makes me feel sick to my stomach. I can't bear the thought of going through the interview. But on the same token I want there to be some justice and I want my job and life back.

I feel so struck, and so down. I wish this wasn't happening to me Sad

OP posts:
KathyBriggs360 · 18/04/2020 07:41

OP this is so horrible, I really feel for you because I have been abused by men almost my entire life. I hate that this animal has gotten away with making your life a misery but I understand why you didn't say anything as sadly that kind of thing isn't taken seriously anywhere in the world.

Chances are he's done it to somebody else too, is there any way you can try and find out? That way if there is a few of you at least you can call him out in public with some certainty, hell I'm sure a friend or someone would be willing to say he did something just to help you out. I know I would. Hang in there, you are a strong womxn for dealing with this and you deserve all the happiness in the world hugs x x

allthatmalarkey · 18/04/2020 08:10

If this makes you feel any better, remember he may have done it to someone else, or may do it again. If he knows you've made allegations against him, then he isn't just carrying on as if he's done nothing any more. If he's had warnings before and your bosses want him out, you have powerful allies. He may even choose to leave of his own accord rather than take the risk.

I was witness to an investigation of a colleague sexually assaulting another colleague years and years ago. I didn't see the alleged assault, but his behaviour to me had been worryingly inappropriate like he was brewing up to something, so I let the union rep know.

The outcome was he ended up out, but he sued for unfair dismissal and the insurance company settled with him the day before tribunal simply because it was cheaper than letting it go any further. He got no money but he could say he was unfairly dismissed and go on to similar employment (with a very vulnerable group of people). I was very disappointed, but my boss reassured me that it would still be hard for him to get work in our sector.

It is very hard to get anything to stick against somebody, but everything you and your bosses do now will make him suffer a little of the consequences of his actions and make his life harder after this. Even if he stays at your place of work, it will help to protect others as he can't risk another allegation. And if there's speculation about your absence, who knows whether somebody else may come forward, if he did spike your drink the chances are you're not the only person he's attacked. Even if this all comes to nothing, there will still be an impact on him. The finger has been pointed at him and he'll have to live with that. He'll have to face people at work - like your bosses - knowing that they believe you and want him out even if the system couldn't do it this time. Other women may be warned to be careful about him and he'll be watched more closely.

Wishing the best for you Thanks

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 18/04/2020 08:46

Thank you both

OP posts:
Greenkit · 18/04/2020 10:18

Take small steps and go at your pace. Above all look after yourself before anything.

Still handholding xx

YogaFaker · 18/04/2020 10:49

Take your time, OP. But I think what allthatmalarkey says is very pertinent.

If he's assaulted you, he's likely assaulted others.

And you have the support of your managers - to be believed in this sort of thing is precious (it shouldn't be, but that's where we are).

In days of yore, I can remember women's gossip networks at my university identifying academic staff (male) who were gropers etc. I'm sure this still happens.

ChateauMargaux · 18/04/2020 10:51

That sounds really tough. Thank heavens for your manager and friend who has advised you to go ahead and that he believes you.

Maybe you can write the statement rather than having to have it taken orally. Maybe ask flowery who is often on here if she can advise. I wonder also if the rape crisis centre could help. Know that you do not need to report this to the police and that your employer does not need to find him guilty of this offence in order to dismiss him.

There may be grounds (but I am not an employment lawyer) based on previous misconduct that you have mentioned if these have been dealt with officially within the company. They may also be willing to gather evidence and dismiss him in the full knowledge that he may bring an unfair dismissal case and theh may be willing to fight this or to settle. Whatever path they take, know that they believe you and at this stage believe the outcome will be that he will leave the company.

If they subsequently have to settle, this is as a result of the requirements of the law, not because they did not believe you.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 18/04/2020 10:54

They believe you.

captainpantbeard · 18/04/2020 11:05

Take each hour as it comes. You might feel horrendous right now but that won’t last forever. There is so much positive in what’s happening, try and hold on to that.

Everyone you’ve told believes you
Your two managers are fighting for you
You are standing to your rapist. It’s fucking hard but you are being so strong. And you have real life people and a whole host of people you’ve never met behind you.

Rosegoldglass · 18/04/2020 11:16

Op just wanted to pop on and say - do what you need to do for you. You are amazing.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 18/04/2020 11:27

Reading the latest messages here have made me realise how fortunate I am with all the support I have, and its made me feel loads better, so thank you.

Yes it's an awful thing to be grateful for but yes I am being believed by everyone I've told. I can't imagine how awful it would be if that wasn't the case.

My husband is the best person in the world. He has been unbelievable in his support and love. He's taking very good care of me, emotionally and practically.

I feel I've been pulled out of the dark place.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 18/04/2020 11:31

My manager spoke to HR to ask if I could do a statement in writing but they said no. They want to ask questions and a lot of it would get lost in the back and forth of email. I understand that. They said it is in no way an interrogation, that they just need to know my side of the story.

I just loathe the thought of people talking about the incident but that's something I need to get my head around. Like my husband keeps saying... Its not my shame, its his. He already knows what he did. He's the one who should hold all the shame.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 18/04/2020 11:36

And to all the women who have posted here, having been through similar Flowers thank you for sharing xxx

OP posts:
YogaFaker · 18/04/2020 11:44

Flowers Flowers Flowers

ChateauMargaux · 18/04/2020 12:26

Do arrange to have someone you trust and who has only your interests at heart in the meeting with HR. Doesn't have to be your boss.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 18/04/2020 15:25

I think I do, Chateau. She was there on the night and she's a good person and friend. I actually told her the week after what had happened. I know she would have my back. But I'm not sure I want to get too many people involved. The idea that colleagues who were there that night will be asked questions about it is quite frankly making me feel ill. Everyone will know.

OP posts:
TopShelf · 18/04/2020 15:48

So sorry you're suffering so, op.

I'd suggest you get some legal advice before you give. statement.
I'm no expert but perhaps it may have an impact on any future police investigation.

I'm thinking if in the future you or if someone else took him to court and you wanted to be a witness say.
And this man would be forewarned as he had read your statement.
Just a thought.

WhereIsTheSaladDoris · 18/04/2020 16:09

Sorry you’re going through this.

I’ve direct messaged you from an employment law POV.

If you don’t want to complete a statement face to face, I strongly recommend you write one down instead. If the organisation feel like they need more information, they can list the questions that they want you to answer.

There are other ways around this (see my DM) and I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.

ChateauMargaux · 18/04/2020 17:21

Fingers crossed their aim is to gather evidence to save themselves from an unfair dismissal claim and that they will minimise the amount of people they question.

Jjjjjj1981 · 18/04/2020 17:31

Another survivor here, I think you’re doing amazingly OP, really. This is a lot to go through on your own, even if you have supportive people around you. Can I suggest you look for a Rape Crisis Centre near you (sorry haven’t read the whole thread if this has already been suggested), they will absolutely support and understand what you’re going through. They also often have advocates attached who, although may not be able to help with work stuff, will have a wealth of experience and knowledge. They were an absolute lifeline when I needed them.
Keep going xx

somebodyelseinstead · 18/04/2020 17:32

It appears to me that they are following the standard employee grievance procedure. This situation is one hell of a lot more serious than that. Please take legal advice before speaking to them OP.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 18/04/2020 18:06

Some really sound advice here. Taking notes x

OP posts: