Work colleague raped me 5 years ago and I've finally snapped

[Twentypasttwelve]

Just that really.

I can't take being near him a moment longer. I've been signed off with stress and anxiety for 2 weeks.

I have no idea what to do. If I tell my manager why I'm off, is it confidential? Would he have to follow it up? I don't think I can bear reporting it to the police. I am not sure I can bear telling anyone at work tbh.

Could I look for work elsewhere while I'm off? I don't feel up to it tbh. I've asked the GP for therapy, so I am on the waiting list for that.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome. I'm feeling okay atm but have felt like I was having a nervous breakdown, and am sure I will again soon.

Please help.

Thank you.

Tomorrow is another day xxx

Once again I've drunk too much

Thinking of you today @Twentypasttwelve x

Thank you 2020

Obviously I have another hangover this morning.

I am using alcohol as a crutch, I know I am. I know it doesn't help. I know its a depressant. But I can't seem to stop. I'm doing a bottle of wine a night (at least). And a couple of g&ts in the day. It just gets me through the long arse weeks.

I keep telling myself I will stop once this is over.

I have now put on 3 stone since February. I look and feel disgusting.

My husband and I are all good now though. And he loves me and wants me just as I am. He hates when I complain about my body, he thinks I'm perfect.

How are you doing today?

I mean how are you doing now? I saw your update from today and it sounds like you’re having a bit of a day where you thinking of all the bad things about yourself

Thank you for thinking of me. It really does help when I see someone has replied.

I keep checking my phone to see if HR have contacted me. They never do.

Yeah I am kind of hating on myself today. My husband and I are getting excited and drawing up plans of where we'd like the furniture to go in our new flat. And yes I'm excited... And bless him for trying to keep me occupied. And I AM very excited about moving. But deep deep down inside I just feel so fucking flat and sad and full of self loathing.

I do need to chase up the therapy I think. I just cannot be bothered tbh. I don't want to have to go through it all again and I don't see how therapy will help as the damage is done.

I just pray (to a god I don't believe exists) that Monday I will have my answer.

It’s no wonder you feel flat and sad. Just remember that it’s normal. And therapy won’t undo the damage, as you said, it’s been done. But it may help that damage not define the rest of your life. You’ll learn to accommodate the event in your life history and it not ruin everything from now on. The thing that makes me angry on your behalf, is that some awful man is managing to steal your joy. Your move with your husband to your new house.

It's not the only thing he's stolen from me ☹️

My first rapex when I was 27

As my husband points out all the time... All the abuse I have experienced at the hands of men, since I was born... I haven't let define me. I was still brave enough to open my heart to him.

I am feeling a lot better now. We visited the new place and I got very excited and happy.

Sorry I was going to start speaking about my first rape at 16 years old. My last post is a bit garbled!

For some reason your thread disappears on my list. I'm sorry you've had a tough time. It's going to be worse at the moment because there is uncertainty. When things are resolved- even should you hate the result- it will be less uncertain.

There are two things to bear in mind with therapy. It can be about the traumatic events, but it can also be about how to live positively going forward, about recovery.

You are a survivor. An absolute survivor. It's just a bit harder right now, but that's ok, it's part of the process.

And I get so angry when I hear people making comments about sexual abuse that I don't agree with. I've designated myself the arch authority and how dare anyone be so pig ignorant as to have a different (WRONG) opinion!! I get the rage!

Thank you pickle.

Strange you should say that about the thread disappearing. Whenever I open my thread and start writing it looks all weird, like it doesn't fit on the screen and I have to move it about to be able to see my message. It's crap and often why I keep using lots of one liners instead of long paragraphs. And why there are mistakes (I'm usually pedantic about spellings and grammar etc.)

I see what you're saying about therapy for moving forward. I have read extensively about living positively and it has really helped me. You're right though, speaking about my progress would be helpful in moving forward even more.

Yeah, when I hear people chat shit about abuse and rape and black lives matter... All that stuff where people have old fashioned views really winds me up. 80% of the time I will speak up but in the scenario with my in laws I didn't want to cause any bad feeling as I do love them, and I don't want to make things awkward between the families. Another reason I didn't stand up for myself was because I was fighting back tears. I do think they noticed me go very quiet. I said a couple of things to counteract it, I think they may have got the message that I'd been through it all myself. Who knows.

Waffling now, and can't see what I've written properly. So will just post it. Feels cathartic to write it all out x

Pretty much everyone is feeling flat and unmotivated because of lockdown. When you add in what you are going through it would be stranger, and slightly worrying, if you were all happy and upbeat. There is no right way to feel so please don't punish yourself for that. if wine for a few weeks helps then go for it (maybe ask your DH to tell you if he thinks it is becoming problematic). When the worst is over then stop. But don't punish yourself for feeling bad and do push for therapy.

I too am having difficulty with this thread hence not seeing a load of suff and repeating myself rather than editing. Sorry!

My type box is doing the same. Really wide.

One thing that I thought was that you mentioned about something deep inside which makes you want to scream. My first thought was that you need to find somewhere to scream. Somewhere isolated. Let it out. Whatever that emotion is, fear, anger, a sense of injustice. Alternatively you could write or talk out loud what you would say to the rapist. And burn the paper in the garden. All the horrible things you think. Or smash some plates or hit a pillow. And then alongside that keep doing your positivity work. I may well be projection on to you. Basically this is what I think I would do, so it may not be helpful for you. I used to have a lot of anger about things in my past and it didn’t help to keep it buried. It just burnt up inside. If I’m way off the mark, please either say or alternatively don’t say and ignore this post!

And now is not the time to be challenging in laws. It’s all to near the surface for you at the moment.

A senior policeman I knew socially tried to tell me some stuff about rape. He was adamant he knew from his work experience- it didn't occur to him that I also have experience. I understood his point, understand his reason for his belief, but man did I disagree. To challenge him I'd have had to blow my own privacy and I wasn't ready. And as I said, anyone who doesn't agree with me IS WRONG!!! SO THERE!!!

Sorry!

Tomorrow is another day, hopefully less hot and sticky than today.

Really sorry OP.

I would say that if you tell your manager they would have to follow it up though but I could be wrong

Best to read the thread before commenting on such a serious matter, @Mangofandangoo.

I've messaged mnhq to let them know about the issues with the thread.

Maybe I should just start a new one, I'm fed up of how I have to navigate the page. And posting on here is kind of essential to me right now. You lovely posters help keep me going.

I have friends coming over today, we're going to sit in the (wet!) garden... I'm hoping they cancel tbh. I feel sick. Although I know they are good for my soul and will help lift me out of this slump.

Yes I do need to find a secluded spot and scream until I can't scream anymore. I said that to my husband the other day.

I also nearly broke my phone yesterday, after I threw it on the ground. No one was around so I only felt silly by myself.

I cancelled my friends.

I'm just not up to it.

I can't stop crying. I wish I could stop this all and be myself again. I guess that old self is gone forever and I have to work on my new self.

If you do start again, remember to pop a link on here so we find you.

Feeling sick is a post Adrenalin thing. You've been fight/freeze/flight for a while. It's worth remembering that stress is physical- you need to clear the stress hormones. Believe it or not, they excrete in your tears. That's why a mushy movie is so good. Find something that lets you cry.

Some more possible stress relieving activities
Spread out newspaper or a shower curtain, no one likes clearing up a mess... throw old crockery, glass bottles jam jars. This was one of mum's back in the days of glass milk bottles!

Tear a towel up with your teeth and hands.

Exercise

Scrunching up every muscle in your body from toes upwards, hold for a few seconds then release with a sharp hah of breath.

Have you got access to an adult swing or a trampoline?

Do you do any kind of meditation activities? Prayer, candles? Looking at a candle flame and thinking about the flicker and your breathing is very healing. Try counting as you breathe, and trying to gently slow your breathing down.

[] www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/3950963-Continued-raped-by-a-work-colleague-investigation-ongoing?watched=1]]

Here is the new link. I do hope some of you follow me and continue to keep me company and listen to me vent. And hopefully soon actuallt get an update on the hearing!!