Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Original poster

Work colleague raped me 5 years ago and I've finally snapped

348 replies

Twentypasttwelve · 12/02/2020 18:46

Just that really.

I can't take being near him a moment longer. I've been signed off with stress and anxiety for 2 weeks.

I have no idea what to do. If I tell my manager why I'm off, is it confidential? Would he have to follow it up? I don't think I can bear reporting it to the police. I am not sure I can bear telling anyone at work tbh.

Could I look for work elsewhere while I'm off? I don't feel up to it tbh. I've asked the GP for therapy, so I am on the waiting list for that.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome. I'm feeling okay atm but have felt like I was having a nervous breakdown, and am sure I will again soon.

Please help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 13/02/2020 08:54

Sorry if I'm not making much sense or not replying to people properly. My head is firmly up my arse. I so badly wanted to stay in bed today and cry but I refuse to let this man ruin my chances, this volunteering role is my way into something I am passionate about, and also hopefully my ticket out of my current job.

I looked into rape crisis and they are based in the offices where I start my voluntary role! I read somewhere that women's aid won't take anyone on who is in recovery from abuse and so this is another reason I feel like I should bury it. I want to press on with women's aid, I don't want to jeopardise this.

OP posts:
GCAcademic · 13/02/2020 08:55

Safeguarding won’t apply in a university setting, except in very specific circumstances, as the students are over 18. So you won’t be doing anything wrong by not reporting, if you don’t want to.

I would try to see if you can move to another department, OP. Better still, the Women’s Aid opportunity sounds fantastic - try to concentrate on that.

stayingontherail · 13/02/2020 08:56

See what the training says about safeguarding - it might give you the answer to what to do next. You don’t have to make a decision right now if you’re feeling mixed up about what to do.

Seniorschooldesperation · 13/02/2020 09:00

Op - I think you should put your Woman’s aid role on the back burner for now. I know it’s disappointing but if they have regulations that woman in recovery can’t train - they’ll be reasons for this. The training could be very triggering for you. You should take some time to look after yourself Flowers

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 13/02/2020 09:00

Yes students all over 18. That's made me feel better regarding safeguarding issues. And yes today will actually be very useful training!

I just am afraid that if I go into rape crisis here, they will say I can't continue to volunteer. I read somewhere that they think it may hinder my healing process.

OP posts:
toothfairy73 · 13/02/2020 09:02

The helpline (number I posted above) is anonymous. You do not have to give your name. I really recommend talking it through with them. In my experience you can't bury it. It will come out in other ways until you face it. I had counselling but because I couldn't/didn't deal with the rape it affected my physical health as well as my mental health. After 9 years of tests finding no medical cause if was decided it was due to the trauma. I know this is hard and incredibly scary. Call the helpline, they will understand.

The issue with volunteering at women's aid before you gave processed it is that you may be triggered by those you are supporting. I tried to do this about 20 years ago (working with people who had been raped/abused) and I completely fell apart. This might not be your experience but Please take good care of yourself

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 13/02/2020 09:03

I've been waiting for 6 months to get into this role. I've been so excited and happy to be involved. Coming here today has been what's kept me going since I disclosed to my husband last week. It's what got me out of bed today. I really really don't want to put it on the back burner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 13/02/2020 09:04

The role is in their offices, it's an admin role so I won't be coming face to face with service users...

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 13/02/2020 09:06

I would tell your manager. You have nothing to be ashamed of, yet you have been the one struggling on with this while he has carried on as before. At least if your manager knows then if there is any hint of anything else around him then they have some history.
You could also report it to the police. What stopped you reporting it at the time ? Were you scared of him, or frightened you wouldn’t be believed ? Having to be around him all this time must have been utter hell, so I very much hope you can get some support now .

KatyMac · 13/02/2020 09:08

Before your safeguarding training you should be given/signposted advise/support on what to do if the training is triggering/upsetting

Training often brings up issues for people

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 13/02/2020 09:12

This man has been in trouble several times with main management. For drink and drugs and inappropriate behaviour (not sure if any of it has been sexual)

After the last time I thought he'd be sacked for sure. But they decided to take the "he needs our help" stance.

I don't know why I couldn't tell anyone. I just wanted to forget it.

Sick thing is that he made sure we were sitting opposite each other when he was in charge of the office restructuring just weeks after the rape.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 13/02/2020 09:13

7also on the night of the rape he put a bag of brown stuff in my hand as I was going into the toilet. I didn't take anything. But I think he spiked my drink

OP posts:
Thinkingabout1t · 13/02/2020 09:26

Sending love and sympathy. I hope whatever decision you make works out well for you.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 13/02/2020 09:27

Thank you

I am at the training now so have to go. I will see how it goes and hope its not a trigger for me

OP posts:
Aridane · 13/02/2020 09:32

This is a very difficult one, 5 years after the event.

I think work on the basis that your line manager won’t keep confidential but will refer to HR etc. And the allegation is so serious - combined with his ‘history’ - they may have no choice but to investigate

cjpark · 13/02/2020 09:34

Im so sorry you are going through this. I really think you need to speak to your manager and report it to the police. I was physically assaulted by a friend's husband last year and took the decision to report him to the police. Although he escaped with a caution, it came to light that I was not the only woman he had attacked and that he had a history violence towards woman. Safeguarding measures have now been put in place and it has helped me heal knowing that it was nothing that I did but his decision only.

tenredthings · 13/02/2020 09:34

This makes me so angry on your behalf. He deserves to have drugs planted in his desk and be threatened with full disclosure unless he leaves right now ( I know that's a fantasy ). Don't let it get in the way of your training. Could you afford a private therapist for a few sessions ?

TimeIhadaNameChange · 13/02/2020 09:37

I spoke to Rape Crisis Scotland a few months ago, and was told that if I rang back and spoke to a supervisor they could pass on details to the police in a way that meant nothing was triggered unless there had been other reports about the person or there were others in the future.

It might be worth finding out if anything like that exists where you are.

NoSharon · 13/02/2020 10:05

The irony is, today my training is about safeguarding. I feel like such a fucking hypocrite right now. The bastard has spoiled my excitement and positivity about my role within this amazing charity,

I believe in fate. I think fate has brought you to this point.

NoSharon · 13/02/2020 10:10

I don't think you should be doing this volunteering OP.
You have to realise that when a woman rings up they want someone who is totally with it.

SirVixofVixHall · 13/02/2020 10:52

Oh good God I have just read how he smugly sat opposite you. OP that is horrendous, I don’t know how you have endured this. You must have had to bury so much deep inside and soldier on. Flowers
I really think you should tell your manager. A rapist who enjoys tormenting the woman he assaulted - your manager needs to know so that she can properly support you (and factor her knowledge into any decisions about this man’s employment status).
And when I asked what had stopped you reporting at the time, that wasn’t a judgement I should add. I have a friend who was raped at uni who didn’t report it (or even tell anyone for some time) , and I have been assaulted and not reported, so I understand, I just wondered specifically why you had chosen not to as that might have made a difference to my advice.

cabbageking · 13/02/2020 11:54

Work can not discipline him or take any action against him based on your allegation. Not can they investigate it sorry..

This is a Police matter which will take some deep thinking on your part. You may wish to book a meeting with their rape specialists to discuss your options.

ClownsandCowboys · 13/02/2020 12:04

@cabbageking that absolutely can. I've been involved in a number of cases like that.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 13/02/2020 12:58

Slowly going through the replies thank you a ll

Toothfairy thank you for your post I am going to look into the link. Also yes I did tell my GP why. She has referred me for counselling

OP posts:
Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 13/02/2020 13:02

To reiterate my role in WA is a half day a week, working in the office as an admin assistant, paperwork etc. I won't be having any dealings with service users and so don't really need to be "totally with it" because I won't be speaking to any of them.

Training was really good today. I feel positive. I want to explore working at women's aid, I don't want to wait another moment longer. If that's naive I guess I will find out but for now it's giving me hope and strength

OP posts: