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Original poster

Work colleague raped me 5 years ago and I've finally snapped

348 replies

Twentypasttwelve · 12/02/2020 18:46

Just that really.

I can't take being near him a moment longer. I've been signed off with stress and anxiety for 2 weeks.

I have no idea what to do. If I tell my manager why I'm off, is it confidential? Would he have to follow it up? I don't think I can bear reporting it to the police. I am not sure I can bear telling anyone at work tbh.

Could I look for work elsewhere while I'm off? I don't feel up to it tbh. I've asked the GP for therapy, so I am on the waiting list for that.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome. I'm feeling okay atm but have felt like I was having a nervous breakdown, and am sure I will again soon.

Please help.

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 22/06/2020 10:52

Here with you (virtually) x x 💜💜

ThickFast · 22/06/2020 11:29

Yes to ska! Bloody love ska. Hope the hangover is passing.

LittleMissNaice · 22/06/2020 17:34

Hope you're ok OP 💐

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 22/06/2020 18:14

What a fucking day.

So my manager called me earlier... He was called as a witness at the hearing. .. He was so upset he had to hang up. He was unaware that the perpetrator would be in on the zoom call... He even challenged my manager in front of the panel! Apparently he accused me and my manager of colluding about the drugs thing to "strengthen our case against him"!! He also demanded to know why my manager didn't tell him what was going on when I first told him!!

I am absolutely raging. They have put my manager in a terrible situation. To have the perpetrator there, in full view, and let him ask questions. The perp told my manager that he's thrown him under a bus. My manager had to confess that he had taken drugs with the perp in the past, not on site but together socially. He's now in the shit too. I feel absolutely disgusted with how this has been handled by HR, and I being unreasonable? I feel guilty for getting my manager involved, and now he's in trouble too. I feel raging that they called him as a witness to confirm the drug thing, but never asked the girl who I told about the rape.

I emailed HR asking for an update... They said they wouldn't be able to update until end of the week earliest but probably not until next week.

In other news, I think we have found our dream home, waiting to hear back from the agent whether the landlord has okayed our offer. I wish I could get more excited but all I feel is a fucking massive headache... Not helped by the worst hangover I think I've ever had!!

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 22/06/2020 19:20

I’m so sorry, @Twentypasttwelve, that sounds very stressful and confusing. I imagine that the lack of a clear answer must be a huge anticlimax. Bath and early night? Hangovers make awful days even worse, at least that will be gone tomorrow 🌸🌸

Nacreous · 22/06/2020 19:21

Gosh Op, that sounds like an exhausting day, your poor manager. That sounds super super stressful.

I'm glad you've found a promising home though, and sorry to hear about the headache. I feel like it's really easy for me to become dehydrated when the weather is like this, so that plus a hangover must be dreadful.

picklemewalnuts · 22/06/2020 19:37

Caffeine will help the hangover- and make paracetamol work better.

What a dreadful carry on. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 22/06/2020 19:39

I've been in the bath for 2 hours!!

My husband has had to top me up with hot water from the kettle 😂

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 22/06/2020 20:10

That's the way to do it!

One day at a time, one bath, one glass of wine, one meet up.

Brenna24 · 22/06/2020 21:49

I am sorry that it was not an easy resolution for you and that your manager has had a rough time of it. I hope that the house application goes well and that you hear sooner rather than later.

Westiegirl3 · 22/06/2020 22:03

I'm so sorry you are still waiting on the outcome, stay strong and enjoy your bath

DuineArBith · 22/06/2020 23:48

I think that technically they have to have the accused colleague there, because he has the right to know what is being said about him and to question people. If they end up dismissing him without giving him that opportunity, he might have a valid employment tribunal claim. However, obviously they should have let you and your manager know in advance.

Weenurse · 23/06/2020 10:24

Good luck with your new home.
I hope he gets sacked

SparklingLime · 23/06/2020 14:02

Thinking of you today, @Twentypasttwelve. Hope you’re managing to just get through this time, and may be even start anticipating your new home.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 23/06/2020 18:08

@DuineArBith

I think that technically they have to have the accused colleague there, because he has the right to know what is being said about him and to question people. If they end up dismissing him without giving him that opportunity, he might have a valid employment tribunal claim. However, obviously they should have let you and your manager know in advance.
That's fair enough. Why don't I have the right to know what's being said about me though? I'm being kept totally in the dark about it all. The only reason I know about the hearing is because my line manager and very good friend told me off the record. I would love to know what he has said about me, but I won't be given that.

My manager rang again last night. He said he felt like he was on trial. Like they didn't believe his account of things. He said it felt as though they were talking to him as if he were me. I told him that's the reason I didn't want to report to the police. I think my boss is finally considering feminist issues, which is no bad thing.

We secured our new home today! We are like 2 excited kids, this has come at exactly the right time. It had helped me keep my mind elsewhere, plus now I know he won't have our new address.

Thanks for all the kind words.

OP posts:
ThickFast · 23/06/2020 18:30

Glad your manager is on side. And your new home! Wonderful. Hope it’s got a massive bath

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 23/06/2020 20:27

The bathroom in our new place is wonderful! And bonus is there's another seperate toilet!! For when the boys need a crap while I'm in the bath 😁

OP posts:
Brenna24 · 23/06/2020 20:36

Wow. That second bathroom will be a blessing. Congratulations on your new home. I am glad that your boss has a new understanding of the issues and that he is supportive of you.

ThickFast · 23/06/2020 20:47

God id love a second bathroom for that

picklemewalnuts · 24/06/2020 08:14

Brilliant! When we moved an Ikea catalogue and a tape measure clung to me like limpets! Grin

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 25/06/2020 16:33

I'm feeling really low today

I ache in my heart and I ache in my stomach.

I feel so sad. I'm teary and irritable.

Last night we visited the in laws, and I love them both, but the conversation turned to domestic abuse and rape for some reason. My husband was putting his dc to bed so couldn't help me get out of it. They don't know what happened to me so it's not their fault. But some of the comments fil said were... Antiquated shall we say. It took every fibre of my body to keep quiet or not to burst into tears.

Today my husband's ex has been in touch and as usual is causing ructions. This is the only time me and my husband ever argue. She winds him up so much and I feel his annoyance and frustration and I know it's not directed towards me. But I hate that she still affects him like this, he raised his voice in frustration and I walked out of the flat trembling. Raised voices are a major trigger for me, I hate it. I'm home now. He's asleep on the sofa and I'm in the bedroom crying.

Something of nothing has been blown all out of proportion and I can't stop crying.

I feel this investigation weighing so heavy on me. My heart feels so fucking heavy.

OP posts:
ThickFast · 25/06/2020 17:02

That’s so unhelpful of your in laws. Even if it wasn’t on purpose it’s still horrible to know what people’s views are. So many people are so ignorant when it comes to matters like rape and abuse. They really don’t have a clue.

SparklingLime · 25/06/2020 18:06

I’m so sorry, @Twentypasttwelve 💜💜

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 25/06/2020 21:44

I don't like saying this but sometimes I really hate life.

OP posts:
Binglebong · 25/06/2020 23:56

This day is over. You never have to live it again.Flowers

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