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Original poster

Work colleague raped me 5 years ago and I've finally snapped

348 replies

Twentypasttwelve · 12/02/2020 18:46

Just that really.

I can't take being near him a moment longer. I've been signed off with stress and anxiety for 2 weeks.

I have no idea what to do. If I tell my manager why I'm off, is it confidential? Would he have to follow it up? I don't think I can bear reporting it to the police. I am not sure I can bear telling anyone at work tbh.

Could I look for work elsewhere while I'm off? I don't feel up to it tbh. I've asked the GP for therapy, so I am on the waiting list for that.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome. I'm feeling okay atm but have felt like I was having a nervous breakdown, and am sure I will again soon.

Please help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 27/05/2020 22:52

I think I'm trying so hard to make out I'm okay, that my husband and mum don't need to worry about me, that I fool myself sometimes. Even when I spoke to the woman and women's trust today, I was speaking as if everything is fine, and at the time I was saying it... I did feel fine.

But then suddenly... I'm not fine. And now I've been horrible to my husband and he's asleep on the sofa and I just want him here with me. I probably won't sleep tonight. I have so much going on in my head. I don't want to burden my husband with it anymore. And I can't speak to my mum about the terrible things I witnessed as a child.

Even though I have so much live and support... I'm feeling quite alone tonight.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 27/05/2020 22:58

I'm so so glad to read this update.

Go downstairs and ask your husband to come to bed. Tell him you're sorry you were horrible to him, that things just overwhelmed you. You need him tonight.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 27/05/2020 23:03

Thank you for replying Hollow.

I don't feel I can go to him. He's snoring away and I don't want to bother him. I've text him to apologise and for him to come to bed when he read the text (he usually wakes in the night). Tbh I have depended on him so much I don't want him to see me this upset again. I don't want put relationship to just be about him comforting me. I'm not sure this makes any sense.

I guess I think I should keep my tears to myself instead of infecting him with it all the time

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Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 27/05/2020 23:04

I don't want him to get fed up of me

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HollowTalk · 27/05/2020 23:10

It's always hard to keep a good relationship going when you've got such a nightmare situation going on at the same time. You have to trust him - he's got your back. He'll have his own stresses with this, too. He loves you. You've got a good guy there. Flowers

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 27/05/2020 23:15

I feel bad that it's always about me. I know he must have his own shit going on with all of this. But he remains strong and by my side. I feel absolutely terrible for snapping at him, literally for no reason. I've blown it out of proportion in my head. I know he will not even think about it tomorrow. Yet I lie here stressing and crying about it.

I even feel ridiculous for posting about it.

Just feel so sad I can't see my lovely mum. I'd go over in an instant but she is scared shitless of Covid and can't even bear the thought of meeting with 2m distance. We talk everyday but it's not the same. I need my mum.

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HollowTalk · 27/05/2020 23:40

Tell your mum that you need her and that you want to sit on a park bench somewhere and talk to her. There's no chance of anyone catching Covid that way. Or do you/she have a garden? That would be good, to sit and talk privately.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 27/05/2020 23:50

There is a garden we can use.

She said it would be too painful to see me and not be able to hug me. And tbh I know where she's coming from. I told her I am ready when she's ready. Just waiting for her really. But she is literally terrified to even leave her house atm. The media hype has really got to her. I've had her on the phone crying about it.

The thought of sitting with her and crying 2 metres away just fills me with sadness. I need her hug and her touch.

I'm sorry, all your advice has been shot down, I don't mean to do that. I appreciate your relies. I feel less alone xxx

OP posts:
Binglebong · 28/05/2020 01:15

I have no doubt your husband would rather know the reality, no matter how bad, than wondering and imagining it being worst.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 28/05/2020 05:56

My husband came in to bed and we've talked for hours. I've had a good cry.

I don't know how he manages to do it but he's made me feel so much better. He's so lovely.

Thanks for being there for me last night. I'm still feeling overwhelmed, but like my husband said, that is allowed and is completely natural. He knows I will be fighting fit again when I'm ready. And he's with me every step of the way. I'm so lucky to have such a supportive and loving husband.

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Binglebong · 28/05/2020 09:33

He sounds lovely. So do you, or he wouldn't love you! I know it is hard but try to be kind to yourself and when Covid is over look into counselling for PTSD. I think dealing with the rape has probably caused or reopened it, quite understandably.

You are strong now and you will come out of this stronger.Flowers

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 28/05/2020 09:54

Thank you, yes he is lovely.

I'm really on a roll. Just spoke to my mum and snapped at her. I know I'm being unfair on her but I argued that my mental health was taking a bashing and a hug from her would make me feel so much better. My husband can get full ppe kits at work, I suggested we could do that. But she won't hear of it. I know it's a controversial subject at the moment but we are disagreeing on it all. I feel like she should take that chance, I would do it for my child. But she just won't. It breaks my heart.

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Binglebong · 28/05/2020 11:29

On a practical level I've seen people hang shower curtains on a washing line and hug through that. Would she consider it?

Realistically she is very scared. Do you know why particularly? There has been a massive amount of scaremongering with regard to covid and for some it has hit them hard. You can help by providing more up to date figures, particularly for her degree of risk, the problem is that every figure can be disputed at the moment depending on who and how they are calculated (by). Ultimately though it is impossible to change people's feelings and you may need to accept that she cannot help you in person. Do you facetime with her? A cheap tablet like a kindle fire with sim card could help feel more connected it she's not already online. Personally facetiming would constitute hell but many people feel otherwise! Don't worry about snapping at her, I think everybody is tense under current conditions and that's without your extra stresses.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 28/05/2020 12:35

We spoke about the shower curtain but she won't have it. The media have scared her to death. She's convinced if she catches it she will die a horrible painful death, alone.

She will do facetime but I personally find it excruciating so only do it occasionally. What's the point in her watching me cry? And me being able to see myself cry too! No thanks!!

I try and get her to think outside the box, give her other figures and other points of view. But she will only follow the government guidance (wishy washy as it is) and that is that.

She sent a lovely text after we hung up, explaining how frightened she is and how much it hurts her to see me like this and not be able to hug me. But that it's not worth the risk. Her brother recently got Covid so that's made it worse... Even though he hasn't become particularly sick with it.

Anyway I have to accept our different opinions and that she won't suddenly stop being scared. I have to wait for the guidelines to change.

I've got my acrylic paint and canvas out... I really didn't feel like it but I forced myself... And I'm halfway through a lovely landscape painting. Feeling a bit better. My husband has gone to pick up some treats for lunch.

Life goes on...

Thank you for replying xxxx

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Binglebong · 28/05/2020 12:51

It is so so difficult. I don't think you are going to get through to her, if she doesn't get it it's proof her paranoia works, if she does it proves she was right about how contagious it it. Lose-lose.

For now enjoy your painting and I'll stop bringing you back to mumsnet so you can relax!

onalongsabbatical · 28/05/2020 13:54

You're an artist OP. How lovely. I find painting and writing go a long way towards healing things and making life ok.

As the mum of adult dds, one of whom is pregnant for the first time, can I just say I really get where your mum might be coming from - I'm being extra extra careful re the virus because I want to be around for dd and new grandbaby, especially as the other grandma died a couple of years ago so the baby's only going to have one. I wonder if that comes into your mum's thinking?
Nice to hear how you're doing. Take care.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 28/05/2020 20:40

I'm feeling a lot better. I had a proper wobble but I feel back on an even keel now.

I stopped taking my contraceptive pill 2 weeks ago. I think I'm hormonal. So yes, Sabbatical... My mum knows me and my husband are trying for a baby. I am 40 next year and I feel time is running out. Me and my husband really want a child together and feel this is the last chance saloon. So even with Covid and with this stuff at work... We made the decision to go for it. It makes me so happy to think we will hopefully have a child together. My mum knows and yes she is probably taking that into account when it comes to meeting me. And I understand that. I guess she's right.

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Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 02/06/2020 04:28

Can't sleep.

I spoke to my boss yesterday. He has had to take annual leave because he can't bear working with this man any longer. The perpetrator has seen my boss' statement and yet he think it's okay for them to continue working together?? How can this be? Of anyone has any experience with this type of thing I'd like to hear your opinion. Or even if you don't have experience I'd like to hear your thoughts too. I feel pretty bad thaty boss and my witnesses have to see this man on a daily basis.

And it's now in week 7 or 8. I don't think it will conclude for another week or 2. Why has it taken so bloody long...! I've had enough already, I just want to move on..

OP posts:
Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 02/06/2020 04:29

*HR thinks its okay for them to continue working together

OP posts:
mamakoukla · 02/06/2020 05:17

It takes time. But you are loved and supported and believed. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You are strong and beautiful. And amazing! Thank you for paving the way xxxxx

atomicnotsoblonde · 02/06/2020 05:33

You are so amazingly brave. I've only just seen your thread but have read it all. We're all absolutely behind you. I'm so glad your DH is so supportive xx

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 02/06/2020 05:46

Thank you both for replying. Messages like these do help such a lot. I feel supported and listened to, by stranger on the Internet! I have been blown away by people coming on here and posting.

I do hope I have helped pave the way. I do hope I've helped someone during this process and by sharing on here.

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ChateauMargaux · 02/06/2020 06:00

Just caught up with your updates.

The trauma you have experienced goes back years. This will take time to unravel. Take things slowly and be gentle on yourself when things come up.

Original poster
Twentypasttwelve · 02/06/2020 06:08

Thank you

I had an initial phone call with women's trust last week. They are lining up counselling for me. They also recommend group counselling which I will go for. Just waiting to hear back from them. I hope this will help me unpick nearly 40 years of abuse.

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ChateauMargaux · 02/06/2020 06:16

Take things slowly and find what works for you.

You might find that you need a combination of things to help you through.

It is great that you paint as a form of relaxation. I hope you find time to do this.

Drink lots of water to flush your emotions especially when you attend sessions and bath with Epsom salts afterwards will help these emotions clear too. Eat healthily and take care of your body, gentle stretching and yoga too if you enjoy that.