Work colleague raped me 5 years ago and I've finally snapped

[Twentypasttwelve]

Just that really.

I can't take being near him a moment longer. I've been signed off with stress and anxiety for 2 weeks.

I have no idea what to do. If I tell my manager why I'm off, is it confidential? Would he have to follow it up? I don't think I can bear reporting it to the police. I am not sure I can bear telling anyone at work tbh.

Could I look for work elsewhere while I'm off? I don't feel up to it tbh. I've asked the GP for therapy, so I am on the waiting list for that.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome. I'm feeling okay atm but have felt like I was having a nervous breakdown, and am sure I will again soon.

Please help.

Diet and exercise are woeful. I've put on nearly 3 stone.

Myself and my husband are starting health kick today. I'm starting with an 18 hour fast and cutting down carbs. Intermittent fasting and low carb diet works wonders for me... Body and mind.

Yoga... I love. But have not been doing for a while. Today I begin again.

Water... Lots of water.

And painting.

And luxurious baths are a staple for me. My ds thinks I am a secret mermaid I spend so much time in the bath.

That all sounds very sensible. Please continue taking good care of yourself.

Thank you, I will try my best 😊

Just another stranger on the internet saying you’re doing amazing.
I’ve recently restarted yoga. yoga with Adrienne has shorter than 15min sessions on her YouTube.
Just doing 5mins at a time has helped ease me back in and spend the time on myself and not feel guilty (depressed and anxious).
Take care

I find that low sugar, low carb and no alcohol or coffee stabilised my mood swings. Also if you have come off contraception, you should consider evening primrose oil and magnesium.

Thank you 😊 yes I used to use yoga with adrienne, I will definitely look her up again

Sugar is the devil and I will definitely be cutting that out. And refined carbs are no good for me either.

I think I may actually be coeliac or at least have some intolerance to gluten. So I've bought some Free From foods to test it out. Will get some magnesium, it's been recommended to me before x

Instead of doing free from.. eat naturally grain free foods instead.. we find corn, sugar and oats almost as problematic.

Rice, potatoes, quinoa..

Thanks for the advice on grains... I'm still learning.

Today was a disaster diet wise today. Well I did an 18 hour fast, which is good. But... We got a Mcdonalds delivery!! We were so excited and it was delicious. Felt sick afterwards, but that's standard isn't it??
Having a bath now.

Hi to anyone still following

Just wanted to reach out to you. I do still have brilliant support from my husband and I have finally got to see and hug my lovely mum!

But I don't want to keep burdening them with this. I find posting here, where people understand what I'm going through, where strangers support me.. I find it incredibly helpful.

Monday is the day. He has his hearing at 2.30.

As my dc would say "2 more sleeps"

My anxiety is very high. Feeling of sickness and dread in the pit of my tummy.

Feeling the need to scream... Its in my chest, in my throat.

Wondering what he has said... Has he called me a liar and nothing of the sort happened? Has he said I consented? Has he said he can't remember? I know logically it doesn't matter, but my work colleagues are hearing his side and I want to know what they have been told. It feels awful to picture my friends and colleagues all talking about this. I don't know how I'll ever face them again.

Wondering how he will take it... Will he kill himself? Will he come for me? Will I ever see him again?

I do feel confident that I have been believed, and that he will leave the company... But in what capacity I don't know. I don't suppose it matters. But these are the things that keep me awake at night.

I'm having wine tonight, to full the pain and the anxiety. I know long term its not a good idea... But it's helping at this moment in time and that's all I care about right now.

A hand hold until Monday would be nice. I hope PP will still be able to see this. Your support has been, and is, invaluable xx

I just found your thread for the first time. I'm sorry this happened to you. You have been incredibley brave and strong. I really hope the powers that be come down on him like a ton of bricks. Please take care of yourself and have lots of pampering

Thank you so much for posting.

I have been in the bath for 2 hours, my feet are pickled! Pampering to within an inch of my life 😊

Gosh just seen this.
You’ve been very brave. Very best wishes for tomorrow

Good to hear Twenty!

I don't know if this would help or not, but I had something happen to me that I hate thinking about and it use to drive me crazy not being able to get the thoughts out of my mind. I then discovered audio books. I find when I listen to books I can't think thoughts if that makes sense, the story is taking place inside (on earbuds/headphones) my head so there is not room for any other thoughts and I feel like I'm in the world of the book. They help me get through all the lousy housework too There are some amazing ones out there with excellent readers. Just an idea if you need an escape from your own mind.

Hi both

Thank you for replying.

As usual I can't sleep.

I have tried audio books in the past. And meditation apps. And mindfulness apps... They didn't seem to help at the time.

Thank you for the suggestion though. Maybe I should give it another go.

Feeling so anxious and sad and just despairing tonight. I wish I could switch off.

I hope all is finalised after Monday and you can get on with your life.
Baths are my safe place too, body shop bubbles and a good book.
I am sure your journey will be an inspiration and comfort to others in the future.
Stay safe 💐

Hi OP I've just come across your thread. Big hand hold from me here.

And also, you've mentioned that you hate the idea of people - colleagues - talking about you. To be honest, they're probably not, they'll be talking about him. Anybody who is talking about you will more than likely be sending you virtual hugs. It seems that you're believed..and he's pretty despised.

If your house was burgled, you were car jacked, or someone crashed their car into yours, you wouldn't feel ashamed. Part of the disaster with rape is the shame. But none of the shame you're feeling is yours. I used to visualise handing/sending it back to the people that had harmed me (including rapists) and over time, I felt much, much less, to the point I now feel nearly none, apart from maybe a few bad days a year. You did nothing. You didn't rape anybody. You didn't hurt anybody. If people talk about you, let the shame flow to him and remember that they support you. You're believed.

Thank you so much, both.

My family call me the mermaid, I spend so much time in my bath!

Fatty... You're right. It's not my shame. And yes I think I've been believed (I haven't spoken to everyone involved but I hope those people believe me too). However when I think about returning to work, I don't know how I'm going to face them all. Even if it's just over a zoom meeting...

Hello! I read your thread when you first posted. I wanted to wish you luck for Monday. Take care.

Handhold available here. You’ve shown so much resilience and courage in getting to this point. It must be so hard waiting for this last bit.

Just wanted to say you are absolutely doing the right thing. Admire your courage immensely. This man needs to be stopped and likely you are not the only victim. Hope he gets what he deserves and you get some peace.

Will be thinking of you on Monday OP...you CAN do it! Think how far you've come since starting this thread....there's a whole LOT of courage there.

Easier said than done, but try not to worry what your friends and colleagues are saying or thinking, you can' t change that so don't give it too much time, just be your natural self because they will probably be uneasy too and looking for some direction.

You've got this...thanks to your wonderful DH along with your own strength and ethics.

Good luck!

Do you know whether your employers are also taking into consideration the rapist's conduct over the years? It sounds as if there have been further issues which demonstrate his attitude to women generally and which back you up.

You are incredible. I'm so glad you have your DH to support you.

Thank you everyone. As always your messages give me strength and resolve.

Tbh I have no idea what has been considered. But I would be aghast if his former issues at work weren't taken into consideration.

The selling drugs at work would get him the sack alone, surely?

But... I've no idea. That's what is really hard atm, the not knowing.

Tomorrow can't come quick enough.

Hope you get some sleep tonight - 24 hours left that's all ... you've managed so far, you're in the home run