So working mums (part time or otherwise), how do you cope with the guilt?

[charmkin]

?

I feel guilt that I don't feel the guilt I'm supposed to feel, IYSWIM.

DP feels no guilt whatsoever.

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I don't feel guilty either, am doing what is necessary to provide for my dd and I and tbh I need this time for me as it turns out. Never thought I would say that. dd absolutely loves going to nursery. In fact, she started a new one today and I had to almost drag her kicking and screaming to leave, it was quite embarrassing. I know she loves me but she does enjoy her time there. Her old one closed down and 4 of the staff and ha;f the children have gone to the new one so it's helped her settle in (as if she needs it

What guilt???? Working is my sanity. If I didn't work I would be killing my kids and then I really would feel guilty. I look forward to Mondays.
PS. I also grew up with a working mother (professor) and never felt neglected.

I'm not sure i'd be saying that if I worked full time though. I couldn't do that personally and wouldn't want to and am grateful that I don't need to.

maybe it is the lack of hours in the day thing

Wistful that I've missed some time with the DDs that can never be recovered? Yes, absolutely. To my dying day.

Guilty? No. I think to feel guilty I would have to think that my DDs and were not happy, secure and thriving and conclude that their failure to be so was the result of my absence. And that clearly isn't the case.

Proud? Yes. At some level I am proud that I have alleviated what otherwise might have been an intolerable burden for my DH and provided our family with financial security and freedom.

Have only read the OP but nope, no guilt here, none whatsoever.

I really wish that I didn't feel guilty about things but I guess I just over think things. I can't even buy a mascara if it is over £4 becuase I have list in my head of all the things my dc need. Of course they don't "need" any of it but I am a fruit loop!

UnquietDad, I also suspected "quilt"...

MI said: DP feels no guilt whatsoever.

You're right, I don't think DH feels any of the wistfulness that I feel about missing out on time with the girls. He is the most devoted father, but has made it clear that he does not want to be a SAHD. And that's without a shred of guilt or wistfulness or any other complex emotion.

hmmmm. I don;t feel guilt on a day-to-day basis. however I suspect that I'm more selfish than dh in my attitude to work and sometimes that bothers me. dh doesn;t like his work that much but he does it to pay the bills. I love work and do it for my own ends - I contribute bugger all to the family coffers.

But other times I conceptualise it differently - I compare what I currently do to what I would be doing if not for dh and dds and think that in my own way I have made compromises that dh hasn't. but then I feel guilty for thinking that - for thinking that my life is a compromise.

but basically I think we have both made compromises - his is to work in a role he's not hugley enamoured of. Mine is to curtail my work. so I guess we're quits.

dds are very happy, well adjusted things. we have excellent childcare. so I don;t feel guilty about them. I don;t feel guilty about what I do. But I sometimes feel it for how I think.

that's quite a waffle. I reckon it is a bit of a deal for me. but not a very straight forward one

I did feel guilty the other day however when I was on mn and dd1 said, very very politely "when you've finished your work can you come and play with me?" in years to come they'll tell me I was always on teh computer working. erm.....

Why would I feel guilty?
My DH works full time too and I don't think he feels guilty either.
DD is well cared for, and we are both happy with the set up. I did feel guilty when I was on maternity leave - about feeling trapped when I could have been at the job that was waiting for me and about having to make such an effort to come up with activities to stimulate my daughter. I also felt guilty about not pulling my weight financially. The truth is that looking after a small child 24/7 can be a grind and is not always interesting no matter how much you love your child, and feeling like that ate away at me far more than having a set up where we are all stimulated and happy.

i give myself 40 lashes every evening to cope with the horrendous guilt i feel

No guilt- except when one of the boys is ill and I'm trying to manage them and work.

It's not a big issue as my boss has a good attitude towards family, and DH usually works shifts, so we usually manage quite well, but there was a period earlier this year when work was really difficult (not my boss), all three boys had colds and then sickness bugs and then colds again (just before and after half-term) and DH is not currently working shifts and for the first time in 12 years it was really really difficult to manage, and then I felt guilty - both about the boys and work. And although it was unfortunate some of the illness fell over half-term, when I had leave booked, it helped to deal with the sickness.

Other than that - No, we discussed it and I made the decision to go back. I work part-time flexi hours which generally fit quite well for us as a family. Going back to work helped to keep my sanity during the early years, so was important, apart from the financial aspect. We were lucky with childminders too (grandma then two v good friends).

Do feel overstretched sometimes.

I just think about all the things that dd has started doing earlier than other babies the same age. Crawling, pulling up, etc. I'm sure she'd have been exactly the same if I was a sahm but I find it comforting to think that she may have learned it all at nursery.

"You're right, I don't think DH feels any of the wistfulness that I feel about missing out on time with the girls. He is the most devoted father, but has made it clear that he does not want to be a SAHD. And that's without a shred of guilt or wistfulness or any other complex emotion."

I don't either. I know I don't enjoy being with under 5s for 12 hours a day on my own. I know I don't like it and it's not good for them so I never felt guilty about it. Obviously for all mothers particulaly someone who has done so much mothering as me over 22 years there are times when the child is plucked screaming from your arms and you leave it crying with someone, often just its father never mind a nanny or nursery school when for that moment you worry but when you get to year 22 as a parent I think you realise that as long as they're properly looked after there's no need to feel guilt however things are organised.

Even if I were paid the equivalent of my earnings over the last 22 years to stay home I still would not have found that right for me, the children or this family.

I applaud your lack of guilt Xenia, or should it be called knowing your own mind.
Too many women spend their whole lives apologising.

The only time I really feel guilty is when I miss a school or nursery event for a fake work commmitment - in fact I can nearly always shift my working hours if I want but I pretend I can't sometimes if I'm bored by the thought of Sports Day or Class assembly. And then I feel guilty about skiving off those events.

but apart from that, no.