So working mums (part time or otherwise), how do you cope with the guilt?

[charmkin]

?

THAT WAS A REALLY oops, bad sentence by me there. Sorry, grammar police

I just don't see why people think they miss out. Fathers often don't feel they miss out. How often do you really want to see what a child does and why is seeing them for say 2 hours a day and holidays and weekends not enough for some parents and is enough for many others? It's interseting how people differ on that issue.

I gave up (part time) work to become a full time SAHM but when i did work i never felt guilty at all - we luckily didnt need my salary but i enjoyed spending it on my dc's and myself and have to be a bit more careful now.
I have recently put my ds into pre school (just one session a week so far - he is 2 1/2) my dd is in school and my guilt came from walking round shops with no children with me thinking everyone was looking at me wondering why on earth i wasnt at work
FWIW i love being at home but only had my first child when i was 30 and worked since i was 17 so felt like i could justify taking a few years off !

OP made interesting point about being torn between being late to pick up dc and causing raised eyebrows at work by leaving early. It's all about expectations. If your agreed working hours are until, say, 5 pm, tell your dc/childcare that you finish at 5.30 or even 6 if you can get away with it. You will then be more likely to arrive early or on time and score brownie points. Conversely, always make sure employer knows you expect to go at the agreed time and make HIM OR HER feel guilty every time you stay later than that.

Should be possible to gauge when some sort of crisis means you have to be very late and then you can ring home and excuse yourself.

Some people find babies boring, others don't. I saw my aunt last week, who just had another grandchild. She freely admits she finds babies boring and isn't interested until they can talk. My mother (her sister) found her own children and grandchildren absolutely fascinating as tiny babies but doesn't have the same feelings at all for other people's babies. I adored every minute of my daughter's babyhood and have to admit that as she gets older I do have less inclination to spend every minute with her - I think that both of us will be quite ready when she starts school in September.

In asnwer to FloatingontheMed's query - no I have never felt guilty about working, even when going back when ds was 4.5 months old (at the time maternity leave was only 4 months)

Maybe I was fortunate in having an even tempered, happy baby, good child care and a supportive dh - and, perhaps just as immportant, only ever had positive thing said to me about going back to work. (or maybe I just din't "hear" the negative stuff! )

Interesting that I am simalr age to Xenia (although didn't have children until much late). Maybe it is this middle generation of "feminists" who choose not to feel guilt.

I suppose guilt is a feeling you either have or don't rather than manufacture although I think people can change their thoughts and turn things around in their heads if they work on it. Hopefully people the age of my daughtersd, 20 and 22, their female university friends they will find it easier to work. I was doing GCSEs in 1977 which was only a very few years after the 1970 Equal Pay Act. Until then you could pay men and women very different rates for work of equal value. One of my daughter's girl friends has just gone off to learn how to fly planes in the US, can't remember if that's civil or military and the other daughter's friend is studying engineering at Oxford. It will be interesting to see if more of them in the noughties choose to give up work than the 1980s when I had the first children or the other way round.

Doesn't feeling guilt come more down to your persoanlity Xenia, than age ?

I am very sensitive person. But sometimes totally thick skinned.
e.g. (re elasticwoman's post)I do a good job and don't give a sh*t, whether someone thinks anything of me I ... leave early, off sick, whatever. Never even occurs to me.

And to answer floatings question, like prettybird, I NEVER felt guilt. NEVER. Not once. I always felt right that what I did was best for me, ds, dh and we all agreed.

absolutely do NOT feel guilty..... I drop DC off to school & kindergarten...they have to stay to late club once a week whilst mummy works (I collect them at 5.15pm) and, during term time I quite often work on a Saturday too !!! I love what I do 9as a sports coach) the DC love it that mummy's ;coaching at their school" and also that they get to spend exclusive time with their daddy on a saturday - what is there to feel guilty about...I think we have the balance right.....

What guilt?

I think I'd be feeling more guilty if I didn't work & couldn't afford to do anything.

Guilt in general is a good emotion. It's serial killers and psychopaths who feel no guilt in their lives and we like our children to develop a conscience and sense of right and wrong and feelings of guilt for bad conduct from about 7 or 8 or whenever it's normal to develop that. Guilt is an important part of being a responsible human being and feeling remorse for things you have done wrong. I have not felt it through working but I'm sure from time to time most of us feel it for various things we have done at work and with our families on an occasional basis.

The day the twins were alone in the house briefly before I got home and went to find a neigbour instead of staying home.... midn you I felt worse that they had seen the neighbour than that they were briefly in the house after their brother left and I got home where they would have been perfectly safe rather than advertising to sundry neighbours (who were very nice about it) they were home alone.

Sure, guilt is a sign of a conscience.

But one's conscience is largely an acquired facet of personality and different cultures/families teach children that different things are right or wrong.

So guilt about leaving your children to go out to work (or not) is also a largely learnt phenomenon. Which you can choose to examine as you please and change your mind about if you so wish.

God, don't get me wrong. I have felt guilt. I left ds in the car while I popped in to the newsagents and got a pint of milk. Came out to an irate woman. I felt bad, guilt and promised never to repeat.
Guilt about working ? No.

I think conscience is innate whatever your culture.

Xenia - conscience isn't innate. The capacity to acquire one is, though - like language. And lots of things that are "wrong" are wrong in most cultures because they are just a reflection of necessary rules for people to live together. But morality is learnt, through culture and through one's experience of living with others.

dont feel guilty. Love my job, feel appreciated and not reliant on DP. DS 'appears' to love nursery and it keeps a roof over our heads.

I enjoy my own time and savour moments with my family. I'd rather be gardening, meeting with friends or walking the dog by the river than at work. I love being with my child. It's not that I don't enjoy my work, I don't enjoy rushing about with too many things to do and not enough time in the day. My time is the most precious thing I have. Maybe I'm missing something..

I have no guilt. In fact I feel good when I spend the extra money we have through me working on the kids, either on good quality food or days out and holidays - it allows us some fantastic time as a family.

Theres also the time we are not at work, evenings, some days and weekends. I think it does them good and also is good for me.

why do you think we feel guilty? I dont feel guilty I love going to work and have no regrets.
My children have mixed with others from a young age and have learned to be independent and confident, they get the bonus of having someone who is paid to play with them all day and create activities which is perhaps something I wouldnt do myself every day and they sometimes have experiences they wouldnt if with me.

Our children should not rule our household or our life choices

Yes I feel very guilty sometimes, largely about the lost opportunities to spend time wiht my daughter. It's also lovely going out and having a 26 year old trainee psychotherapist and social worker (and male) weigh in about how I am compromising my daughter's attachment pattern. "Oooh that's terrible you're working." Get back in your cot, you little kid! Barely out of nappies himself as far as I'm concerned. The thing for me is worry around the loss of "economic independence" -very serious word. I feel guilty, and then I think about my mother in law who gave up work for 30 years and is now dependent on a pension which is around - wait for it - £10K a year.

Genidef - I think you illustrate women's dilemma very well indeed.

On the one hand we want to do the very best for our children, and lots of evidence points to it being best for children to have their mothers at home when they are at home ie early years and later, after school and during the holidays.

On the other, we don't want to compromise our financial position, either now or in the future.

And the two are largely incompatible aims.

But the point is, Anna, there ISN'T consistent evience that points to it being best for the mother to be at home. There is lots of connflicting 'evidence' that argues whichever way the wind blows. There is also evidence that children benefit from consistent high quality care in their formative years - but this does NOT equate with their mother being at home. There is also no doubt evidence, if you choose to look for it, that a mother feeling frustrated/bored/lacking confidence/being on the breadline through staying at home, is emotionally unhealthy for her children.