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re all the discussion about being at home or working, just found this comment on another website - what do you think?

216 replies

ssd · 11/04/2007 09:15

"Just thought I'd point out that parents who spend more time at work than they do with their kids - whether through choice or compulsion is irrelevant really - are going to be relatively inexperienced at childcare. How is a parent who puts their first baby in nursery - or with a nanny - or other paid servant - from 8.30-6.30 five days a week - going to be able judge how that care has or has not affected their child? They can barely manage the little tyke themselves at the weekend. Plenty of high-achievers have had miserable childhoods at the hands of paid carers. Peter Ustinov, raised largely by nannies, noted in his autobiography how vulnerable children are to being the brunt of a servant's frustrations, and how unlikely this is to come to either the parent or the child's attention as being abnormal or even wrong. Read the first chapter of Mary Poppins and laugh (or cry!) Like all things, if you want to ensure that the job is well done, do it yourself or entrust it to someone you know really well and trust; otherwise it is really the blind leading the blind."

actually makes a lot of sense to me, what do others think?

OP posts:
Taylormama · 16/04/2007 20:08

Mrs Apron - i drop my DS off at nursery at around 7.30 am. I stay with him whilst he has his toast and then we have a lovely kiss goodbye. I pick him up at 5.00 pm (ish) to be greeted by delicious kisses and hugs as well as a full written report from nursery as to what he has eaten, how he has napped, what activities he has done. Nursery call me if they are even slightly concerned about DS ... i also get a verbal report from his key worker every day ... My DS is thriving, happy and wonderful. Weekends are a chance for lazy breakfasts - me, DH and DS all in bed eating toast and lots of cuddles ... good childcare can be found!!!!!

MrsApron · 16/04/2007 20:21

Taylormama that sounds nice and involved. I know what I am quoting is extreme but It does happen.

When I was looking at childcare I saw some not v nice nurseries, various chilminders one I quite liked actually, one ok nursery.

DD1 however would not go to sleep anywhere but on the boob until over 18months has food allergies and barely ate until about 14/15 months. Not exactly an ideal candidate for childcare.

Interestingly I looked at a private nursery recently as i am considering my options (lol) and I loved the facilities great ethos some nice staff. The rooms from about 2 up seemed really happy and thriving and I would stick dd1 in it no problem. The babies rooms seemed very well organised nice stuff mature staff and I think I would put dd2 in aprt time from a year but she is a diff child!

Taylormama · 16/04/2007 20:29

MrsA - i looked at a lot of childcare options - childminders and nurseries and this place felt right - has a glowing OFSTED report. I know there are extremes but there are a lot of great nurseries/CMs etc out there

FloatingLikeALeadBalloon · 16/04/2007 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

preggerspoppet · 16/04/2007 20:48

agree with satine.

and a lot of the statement in op. which is exactly why I am a sahm.

my sil works in a nursery that received an absolutley glowing OFSTED report, she was told quite quickly to never tell the parents on pick-up time if the child had been miserable and sad when dropped off, and especially not to tell if the child had cried all day. (which has happened)

she is only 17 and would be one of the very few people I would be happy to leave my dc's with as she is so trustworthy and wonderful. but she tells some horror stories....

I guess you will never really know about your child's day unless you share it with them.

am sure I will get absolutely slated for this post, but hey! I am a firm believer that kid's should be with their parents and will campaign till the last for more parents to have this choice.
(financial incentive to sah etc instead of money to pay for childcare...)

ebenezer · 16/04/2007 21:06

I'm gobsmacked!

ebenezer · 16/04/2007 21:07

oh god i'm too knackered to respond after a day at work. Come on somebody!!

Wotzsaname · 16/04/2007 21:11

Making woking women feel bad is seriously antiquated nonsense!

Blu · 16/04/2007 21:14

The 'you can't have 2 demanding careers, ' etc statement would make more sense to me (because I admit things can get a bit stretched) if I saw all the marriages of people who have given up a career in favour of childcare glowing and growing. But MN frequently tells a different story!

beckybrastraps · 16/04/2007 21:20

OK. Somebody say something outrageous about SAHMs, because I appear to be batting for the other side, as it were, tonight.

ebenezer · 16/04/2007 21:22

Thanks Blu. You're absolutely right! If all non-working mothers had perfect relationships then maybe there'd be something in it but......

mollymawk · 16/04/2007 21:27

The OP illustrates one of the (many) things on which I have changed my views since having children. Before I had any children I thought that if I worked (nearly) full time then I would be as described. But I do work (nearly) full time and I have found I still know my children better than anyone (other than dh when he is paying attention...) and don't feel disconnected from them at all. But maybe I'm horribly wrong and they are running drug rings without my knowledge...

contentiouscat · 16/04/2007 21:27

I think its better that a mother works rather than be a SAHM if it would just make her (and consequently her child) miserable, also some people financially do not have the choice.

Personally if I did not want to spend time with and raise my child myself then I would have just got a hamster and continued my thrilling and lucrative career.

Would not criticize anyone for being a working parent but am frequently annoyed on here by the patronizing attitude towards those of us who choose to stay at home.

If I werent fortunate enough to be a WAHM I would be a SAHM, money can be earnt in the future my children will only be young once.

plibble · 16/04/2007 21:30

Isn't the better question why whoever writes this tripe feels it is their job to judge what other parents are doing? Are they trying to justify their own decisions/existence by battering others? ("I stay home so my children must be better than everyone else's blah blah blah"/ "I work therefore I am a better example to my children blah blah etc"). This is why I am neutral, like Switzerland...

PanicPants · 16/04/2007 21:31

Well, thats something else to make us all feel guilty about going back to work then.

Cheers.

beckybrastraps · 16/04/2007 21:34

'Personally if I did not want to spend time with and raise my child myself then I would have just got a hamster and continued my thrilling and lucrative career.

Would not criticize anyone for being a working parent but am frequently annoyed on here by the patronizing attitude towards those of us who choose to stay at home. '

Unbelievable.

How astonishingly rude, and yet you say you are patronised

ebenezer · 16/04/2007 21:34

contentiouscat....have you thought that maybe phrases like 'if i didn't want to spend time with and raise my child....I would have continued my career'... are exactly the kind of thing that seriously piss off a lot of working PARENTS?? Have you read the posts? Those of us who work (which is actually by a long way MOST PARENTS IN THE UK) actually know our children better than anyone, enjoy their company and are the central people in their lives.OK? Why do some SAHMs find that SO hard to believe? Having a life outside the home does not stop you being a parent. Got that???

ebenezer · 16/04/2007 21:37

Just as an aside, do the SAHMs who hold these extreme views also say the same thing about their husbands? Do they feel their husbands aren't raising their children?

grannyquackersleetlefuffychick · 16/04/2007 21:53

i'm a WAHM which suits me perfectly, but i used to work as a nanny ages ago for a professional couple. the mum continued her career partly because she was so good at her job and the dad worked full time and i have to say their child had the best of all worlds - loving parents and a nanny who really cared for her. when i finished there the new nanny looked after the little girl during the day very happily for the next few years. WOHMs can have great relationships with their children and as long as the child care is good, the children can have a great time too.

contentiouscat · 16/04/2007 22:01

I didnt say what YOU should DO, in fact if you read my first paragraph you will see I said

"I think its better that a mother works rather than be a SAHM if it would just make her (and consequently her child) miserable"

I said I would not have had children if I did not want to raise them no criticism of what you do there.

Was amazed on here a few days ago to see someone had posted along the lines of "what on earth do I talk to SAHMs about" as though all we talk about is poo and cleaning the oven because our ability for thought atrophies once our maternity leave ends and we choose to stay at home.

PeachyChocolateEClair · 16/04/2007 22:03

Used to do the 8 - 6 thing, I worked with Dh so we went and returned together. There wasn't a choice. back then you only got max 3 month mat leave, so I ahd to return at 9 weeks with ds1 and ds2. With ds2 theya ctually paid me to go on fully paid leave early bt thats another stroy ha ha ha (just always register stress caused by inappropriate advances from boss when pg ). There just wasn't an option. Dh earned £11,500 a year- was before wtc- and we were broke without my income.

Did In know my baby? Well I was ere when he woke, cried at night, gave him his tea, I think so. As much as I know the one I am at home with now (and was 100% at home for over a year). Mum had ds1 and ds2, not everyone has that option.

IME choice is often the last factor in these decisions- lack of childcare, lack of finances, DP's working bizarre shifts (mine now works nights)- all contribute. Even the choice issue has usually been fed by fears of poverty / boredom / lack of abilty to return later / previous experiences.

Of course some fortunate women do get 100% pure choice- ain't that many though, I think. And as we can't possible know every factor going on in someone's head, their fears, what it takes to amke them feel alive (and whether that be a baby with them all day, or their own pay cheque, or adrenaline from work), nd as such we should just respect everyone elses decisions: they all ahev good sides and bad anyway, there isn't a right.

contentiouscat · 16/04/2007 22:03

Also did not say anything about parents who work not knowing their children (feel like ive stepped into a strange parallell world where I say one thing and you hear another)

PeachyChocolateEClair · 16/04/2007 22:06

ah CC- that is zthe way of an MN bunfight

be very scared

PanicPants · 16/04/2007 22:15

Why is this a subject that other people feel the need to express their opinions on?

It's not like it's going to suddenly magic enought money out of thin air for me (and others like me) to be able to give up work.

IT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING

All it does it make mothers like myself, who would love to spend all day with ds, feel more and more guilty, miserable and depressed.

beckybrastraps · 16/04/2007 22:16

People do this a lot on MN. They justify their outrageous comments by saying 'well, I'm only talking about me'. I would have bought a hamster rather than have been a WOHM.

I say