Anyone fancy a thread for mums who work full-time?

[Oly5]

Hello, just wondered if any other mums work full-time and fancy a bit of a thread?
I adore my kids but enjoy working full-time too. I feel it's a massive taboo to say so. This thread is for people who feel like me, who are struggling to make it work, who wish they could work less. Anyone really!

I totally hear ya jonesey. I only know one other FT mum with children a similar age to mine. ALL of the other mums I know work 2/3/4 days or are SAHMs. I feel like such an anomaly . And I feel judged - that people (men and women) think I'm not maternal and that I am choosing to work over spending time with my daughters; that I'm being selfish and that I'm a power-hungry freak! Though I also judge women who are quick to hide behind the "being there for my children is THE most important job in the world" mantra so perhaps I'm as bad

Oh I'm with you on that one GrillPan! My smug mum moment happened on Christmas Eve at our local church crib service (which lasted for over an hour) when 3 of the mums I met on maternity leave (who were once very quick to tell me that they couldn't believe I was going back to work ft and even worse sending DD to nursery ft. One even said life is about sacrifices and she has sacrificed her career to ensure her DS's early years came first and she couldn't understand anyone who would let their child be looked after by stranger in an environment that wasn't their own home ) leave within the first twenty mins of the service as their DCs were kicking off. All of them are DD's age or a month older- DD behaved immaculately- I put it all down to her being used to a group environment at nursery and having to learn to sit nicely and listen. Still it gave me a great sense of satisfaction until DH told me off for feeling like that in church

Hey all, weirdly comforting to see that I am not the only one who feels immense guilt at leaving them. I often look at other mums in the office and wonder how they look so care free but then again, they are probably feeling just as guilty as me but maybe hiding it better! And I get that grill pan about the in laws- sometimes they mind ours and even tho dh would be dropping and collecting probably, they still check with me for everything, don't get why!

Yeah, grill pan, had a few days off but not much ( nature of industry and am used to that so don't mind so much). Just so hard when the kids have been sick and I am tired and stuck in the office late when all I want to do is get home to see them. Maybe it was the worst thing in the world for me to have had the 2 years off as it made me realize how much I miss them!

Anyway, not much I can do about it now. As regards the other mums, the way I look at it is you're damned if you do and damned if don't. We could probably survive ( just about!) on dh's salary but then I think, what happens if he loses his job? No job is really safe these days. At least If he did now, I would be able to support us. it helps ease the guilt a little bit to know that I am doing what I believe is best for our family. Now if I could only find that elusive job that actually got me out of the office on time I would be a happy mummy!

I haven't read through the whole thread yet but want to join in!
I have always worked FT but the trouble is I really work more than full time so it can really get out of hand sometimes. I am going to reduce hours at some stage though I can't at the moment as not enough colleagues for the workload, but even then reducing will still mean not much less than usual full time hours.
However I will say that I found it ok when the kids were babies, it is harder now they are at school as their emotional needs are greater, I'd like to help more with homework, activities etc and I can't. DS had some significant issues last year and I did feel I wanted to be there for him more. Up until that moment I had never felt guilty about working. He's fine now, so no guilt, but I am sad for me and them that we don't spend more time together.
On a practical level, I could not do without a cleaner, and DH is fairly self sufficient and does most of the cooking. We also get ironing done. We have a lovely au pair too, and I hope we will get other good au pairs in the future when she leaves. There is no way we can make school clubs work because of my working hours. But TBH I prefer the kids coming home anyway even if someone else looks after them.
I'd just like to be able to see them a bit more and get more involved in general during the week. I work a lot of weekends too so need to make up for it somewhere. I hope it will come eventually but can't see when at the moment. Just hope it's before they're 16!

wings I used to think that about other mums too and wonder if I am just too soft pathetic and needed to just get a grip. I've had 18 mths off and before that worked from home only 4 days and finished at 3pm so had lots of time at home. Definitely been spoiled! And whilst I know no arrangement has to be forever, I'm a bit sad that the DC prob won't remember this time with me at home, and will just think of me as working. Re your work - is leaving on time totally out of the question or, with all due respect, take on the obligation to stay?

giraffe hello, it sounds like you have good support at home. How old are your DC?

I think we'll get an au pair when our youngest starts school. My eldest starts school in Sept so I'm a bit antsy about not being around much for her. I hope to work from home or take time off when sge actually starts, to help get her settled.... We have a cleaner already

It definitely is comforting to hear of others in the same situation and dealing with the conflicting emotions.

This is my last week off!! This time next week I'll be getting ready to embark on Day 1 of our new chapter! Eeeek!

So pleased to find this thread. Currently at the airport and won't see DD until thurs morning, she was with her Dad until 2pm yesterday since fri so I'm missing her like crazy and seriously feeling the guilt. We need the money, I earn as much if not slightly more than DP, I'm also a fair bit younger. We've just bought out first house together after both being left with significant debts by previous partners and now have a big mortgage to pay off with less time to do so than is ideal. Work is full on but flexible in that I can work from home etc but I'm away at least one night most weeks and internationally for a week every couple of months. If I didn't keep working I don't know what I'd do for the rest of my life once DD is older and I'm in sales so per time isn't an option. I wish I didn't have to though, I'd love more time with her, especially as she's with her dad every other weekend. It's very tough indeed.

it's only 23 minutes into the working day (although I've been on work related stuff since about 7 this morning) - and I already feel like killing someone. I don't think it's got to do with the 'post Christmas blues'. I think it's got to do with this toxic work environment.

I get an email from someone overseas who's been asked to come over here for a week to do something work related. I thought this was all done and dusted and booked for. I forward it to relevant people to say 'is this done?'. I get a reply saying 'this was the last comms I received - basically 'waiting' for me to action things'. when actually, I'd already told them to do it... way back in Nov. I am so crossed.

they want me to do 'strategic level activity' and yet this is clearly very basic operations stuff. Again, I don't have a problem doing the latter. But they can't expect me to do both, and to do them well. grr.

what is wrong with people?!?!?!

Hello! I'm also returning to work FT in a few weeks, only in my case after seven years of being a SAHM. I prepared myself well (retraining etc) before applying, and so I've been lucky enough to be offered a job at a decent salary pretty much doing what I was doing before in IT. The job will just about cover childcare/commute and finally give me pension payments again - there's little "profit" right now.

I have four DC including one with ASD/PDA who is four, the oldest is nine and the youngest is nearly two. My seven year old has suspected ADHD. They are a lot of work, to put it mildly. I'm quite sure plenty of people will think me extremely selfish, but the honest truth is that I am not coping with being a SAHM, and I never wanted to be one forever. I love my children to bits, but I'm no good being a 24/7 parent - I have so much more patience with them after I've had a break. I find the endless days with no goals in sight (or appreciation) utterly soul destroying. I end up walking aimlessly for miles a day, or spending money for the sake of spending money because I'm bored, and then we're broke and then I beat myself up over it, I have frequent fights with anxiety and feel I am worthless and my "time" is over. I was always ambitious and want to make a difference in the world - not saying bringing up children doesn't make a difference, but I am sure you know what I mean. I also want to feel financially independent again. DH fully supports me returning to work as he sees how being a SAHM has affected me so negatively.

I went back to work after having DC1 for nearly two years and it was a good balance and worked out well. I was forced financially into being a SAHM after having DC2 and it is only now DC3 has started school that we can afford for me to return to work. Once DC4 starts school in a few years we will be a lot better off each month.

The new job is a great opportunity and sounds really exciting, or I'd never have applied for it. It is only 15 minutes drive away (or 25 minutes walk/train) and so long as I work core hours of 10-4, pretty flexible over the required 37.5 hours. By the sounds of it, there's not a lot of (unpaid) overtime, so things should be okay. The DC have two days of after school clubs which mean I'll want to get in very early and leave early two days a week, plus I want to only have a half hour lunch break so I can leave quicker - this is a discussion I'll have to have in the first week and I feel sick with dread over it even though the whole "core hours" thing suggests it should be okay. I've never had to ask for such concessions related to having children before in a job. Will they hate me or think I'm unprofessional? Doesn't help the company is probably 90% men.

The DC school, which is very good, has a breakfast and after school club run by a lovely TA that my children all know well, and DC4's wonderful nursery has a full time space for her. The TA running the club has been DC3's TA so she knows about his ASD and is going to discuss strategies etc with me.

DH can occasionally work from home/go in late etc, his work is pretty flexible, but his commute is 2.5 hours a day so drop-offs and pick-ups will be my responsibility. We need his salary as it's considerably more than mine, so he can't go part time due to huge mortgage etc.

I still feel horrendous guilt though, even though my mental health and self esteem was really suffering. My mother was very disappointed when I told her, and I'm pretty sure MIL is unimpressed from the lack of "congratulations" from her even though she was a working mother herself at times.

We have no family nearby so it will be childcare all the way. I wish more than anything I could work part time but IT does not lend itself to that, at least not until you've been there a while and even then it depends on the company. I'm really hoping I'll be able to do compressed hours or part time once I've been there a while and impressed them, but right now there is no way to know how favourably this would be looked upon.

Already I'm seeing things that make me wonder how we will cope - DC1 needing to be dropped off and picked up at some distant location during working hours next month. I suppose I'm going to have to start asking other parents for help with that sort of thing e.g. giving her a lift, but there's nothing I can do for them in return so I feel bad.

I guess I just want some reassurance and tips if that's okay!! Apologies for the essay, I didn't want to drip-feed

Hello all! Just read the new posts. Wings, what are the main things that are bothering you and maybe we can help? Is it guilt, missing the kids or the house that's getting to you?
I have worked far too many extra hours in the last two weeks so, while I work from home, I have been on the computer at the same time as having the kids. I don't think this is good for them as I just stick the telly on. I'm hoping to make it up to them now that work is quieter, with more activities and fun. I've also been feeling guilty and questioning what I'm doing. I mentioned it to DH who says he never feels that guilt... Which just goes to show that it's ingrained in us that a work/ childcare balance is 99% a woman's problem!
I would not be a good sahm but I do worry that I'm somehow messing my kids up by pursuing a career. I try to work in terms of ensuring the time I spend with them is quality time... And making weekends special.
I've failed on that recently but will keep trying! Love the support on this thread! X

Yes Oly5 that's what's struck me most about this thread is the guilt felt by all of us. Whenever I mention it to my DH too, he says that he never feels guilty. So why oh why do we all struggle with it so much? I do think a lot of it is down to how other women judge each other and also how the media portrays working women.
I always come back to what suits you and your family doesn't suit everyone and you have to do what makes you tick. There's no point in being a SAHM if it isn't for you as it would just make everyone miserable!

Worryingly I think I've approached the new working year in a I'm still on my Christmas holiday mode. Need to get myself motivated

Late joiner here. I have to admit I've not read all the posts and I don't think I have a common background to some who have posted (I went back FT after 3 months off twice and I think that's the norm). But I have read a few articles around the "life-work balance". Am I the only one who thinks this is sometimes code for "you are neglecting things at home surely because you dare to work FT" ?

Hi grillpan, yes I do have support at home but it has been essential. DC are 6 and 4 now so full time care obviously. Sometimes I used to feel embarrassed that I had childcare, cleaner etc, as if people thought I was someone who didn't want to do things myself, but as I have got to know people I think I was being paranoid.
A lot of you talk about guilt. Except for the blip last year I mentioned, I have put it out of my mind, because there really is no option for us. I just decided guilt was a wasted emotion. For some years I was the only breadwinner as DH is self employed and things went belly up in the crash etc. He worked very hard to get things going again, but no money there for ages. Now he's making money again, hurrah! So I have asked to go part time but cannot until we find more staff to share the workload. Hope it's not too long.

Does anyone feel that women perpetuate the guilt felt by other women? Not only the non working or part timers, but the ones who are working. It's not really ok to say openly 'I work full time and feel no guilt about it' is it.

And I do struggle with the gender point - why is it any different for women to work full time than it is for men? It isn't. We just beat outselves up about it. Which achieved naff all and wastes huge amounts of energy.

I work flexibly at home, but it's usually an 8-8 day so I hardly see the kids (1, 4 and 5). And while I'd prefer to spend more time with them they're brilliantly cared for. If my daughter says she doesn't want me to work I explain to her quite directly that work if life and I enjoy doing it and I'll see her later on. I feel that approach, no matter how heartbreaking, is the right one. I won't demonise working for her.

Rant over!

Another ft worker here., 3 children aged 6, 3 and 2. I work 12.5 shifts, days and nights on 3-4 days a week which averages out over the month. I was SAHM for 3 years after Dd2 was born having been WOHM since Dd1 was 7 months old.

I loved being at home with my children, but had PND after ds was born and getting back to work has helped me. At home I had too much time in my own thoughts without adult contact. DH is now a SAHD, he gave up his job so that I could go back to work and get better. He will get a part time job when ds starts nursery. I still feel guilty that I am not with them, but reassured that they have a relationship with their father that I never had with mine because we have shared so much of the care for them.

Morning all - first day of new job/routine/life for us today! Getting out the house could've gone slightly smoother but I'm en route and on time so all ok.

I've tried not to bee too melancholy about the end of my time at home and trying to see it like it's the same life, just with a bit of work thrown in. Hopefully I can keep things in that perspective when the novelty wears off

The guilt. Sigh. It's ridiculous really as I don't know any working father who suffers from it. There's another thread on this in the feminism section at the mo. I feel guilty that I don't want to sacrifice everything else just to be a mum. I guess I want my cake and to eat it. Which also makes me a control freak so the conflict arises in that I do want to be doing everything with/for the children, even though I don't always enjoy all of it (wiping down the high chair 3,000 times a day springs to mind). I feel sad that I'm the person who 'gets' them the most and they'll be with other people who can't respond in the same way that I can. I'll miss the funny random things they do or say and I know it's wrong but I'm deeply envious that the grandparents now get to hang out with them, doing all the fun easy bits of it all without having to do the juggling act (I know this is really bitter of me but not sure how I shirk this feeling off - tips welcome!)

I try to justify it that that doesn't mean I'm a bad mother just because I don't like the drudge of it and do enjoy being stimulated through work (and quite frankly validated via a nice salary ).

Being the mother of 2 girls I really hope I can instill in them that work is fun/ok/exciting/interesting/stimulating as well as necessary. I'm by no means doing my ideal job but I like it well enough and like suzie I really don't want to instill in them a sense that work is a drudge. I'm reay hoping that by the time they have children there will be waaaay more equality in splitting the whole career + family thing.

Have a good day everyone. I hope your day runs smoothly and you can relax knowing that, choice or no choice, there are other mums feeling/doing the same and that we know.

Well work got in the way so am only catching up now, on phone too (standing on train on way home) so can't really scroll back but hello all! I can't remember who said it but in my place it isn't a case of having to stay late but if I don't do it today, tomorrow will be a heap of crap and some days I really have to get up and go to collect dcs so when I can stay back sometimes ( like tonight) I try to do a catch up. Tbh, I think I will only stay in this company for a year or so to get some experience and then try and find somewhere less hectic. Oh the joys, then my dd on the phone to me asking if I will be home before she goes to bed tomorrow . Makes me want but not on a Tuesday! Right at my station now so chat soon all. Hope everyone is having a good week!

I think installing in your daughters that work can be fun/exciting/worthwhile is so important! I want my daughter to beleive she can do anything! I am educated to post degree level with a job I have worked hard for and enjoy. Why should I throw away a career and an education just because other mums I socialise with think the only good mothers are the ones who stay home?
My DH is hugely supportive... Never feels the guilt.. Doesn't feel like chikdcare is my job alone.
I adore my kids and I do feel guilt but I also know I am not a good stay at home mum. I don't want to be twiddling my thumbs when they are at school. Yes, I could take more exercise, do volunteer work, pursue other interests.. But I doubt they would give me the intellectual rigour that work does

So week 1 is almost done. My feet hurt (shoes) and my shins ache (walking fast in the city) and I'm knackered but it's been good. The job seems to be great and I'm looking forward to the intellectual rigour that oly talks about. I'm not doubting my abilities in the job but I've had moments when I've thought what am I doing? and i should be at home with my babies but whilst at work I haven't really had time to stop and think.

As for home stuff. Well. The house is in a state of chaos and DH is pretty frazzled as he's doing more stuff at home now but I think the DCs are ok. They are definitely a bit confused with me not being around and daddy and the grandparents doing more but I think they are alright. I did have a blub on Monday when I got home - MIL had been looking after the DC and I can't fault her tbh but I just felt so envious that she'd been the one doing it all and felt it should've been me. Having her in my house all day is going to take getting used to. She's (mainly) lovely so I know it's me with the issues rather than her but I just felt pushed out of the loop, my loop and didn't want to be pushed out. Silly really.

I keep having this niggling thought though: they are only small for a short while, you're going to miss so much It's driving me mad because the rational side of me knows that I don't need to be there 100% of the time in order to be a good mum or to not miss out really, but I still want to know everything they say/do. I'm scared of not knowing them inside out I guess.

Waffling now. Hope you've all had a good week so far.

Ah glad you've had a good week grillpan. Sounds like you're enjoying the job too which is a huge positive! I totally get what you mean about them being small for such a short period and feeling like you're missing out. That is exactly how I feel! But as oly says no working fathers appear to feel like that so definitely a maternal guilt thing. Hugely fuelled by the media and other mums who make us feel like we're damaging our children by working. I'd say I feel guilty about working on a daily basis but not sure it's enough to make me stop! Feeling it massively this morning as got home late last night as had to stay at work for a social function. Had a pretty rubbish day involving 2 appraisals and then got told my boss that I wasn't tough enough in one of them. He then gave me a whole load of things to do (on top of giving me another team to manage whilst someone is off on sick leave). Got home to DH telling me he picked up DD up from nursery an hour later than normal and she was distraught all the way home. No idea why but she had a tantrum leaving nursery and got so upset apparently. And it sounds like she's full of a cold again. My mind was racing going to bed and have had a rubbish night sleep. All I want to do today is keep my dd at home with me as feeling guilty that she needs
more attention from us

Glad it's Friday and tonight!

I workel FT 9-4:30pm Mon - Fri and have done so since before DC, except the maternity leaves. My DC are now 7 and 5 and both at school. I am out of the house 7:30-5:30. I have an aupair who is good at doing basics (taking the kids to school) but crap at everything else. My H is useless (not exaggerating), he does nothing but take care of himself. My DC1 possibly has ADHD so he is in trouble at school alot. I shop, cook, clean, bath, repair, school homework, take kids to afterschool classes, parks, entertain at weekends 100%. On top of that I travel occasionally for work, with overnight stay.

I am on the verge of my sanity. Something has to change. Partially my fault because I tend to take charge when everyone else is being lazy and the least person I take care is myself.

I am waiting for my H to move out, maybe a better aupair next year. I am also studying for additional qualification so I have more confidence to look for a job where I don't have to travel. The biggest (irresolvable) concern is my DC1, it is ongoing stress and probably would benefit from my shorter working hours, but if I lose my hours I would be skint. At least we are getting by now with help of Aldi and ebay.

I put a brave face but inside I am crumbling from the pressure and I cry and even started getting panic attacks. I am so tired mentally and physically.

cat that all sounds very hard going. Sorry to hear your relationship with your DH has broken down, though sounds like him moving out will relieve you of some deadweight and maybe that in itself will lift you. Can you sort a different AP sooner rather than later or are you tied in / too busy to think about it?

I'm not surprised you feel on the brink. Studying as well as tough times with/for your DC1. Can you use any annual leave to give yourself a break, even if just a day here and there?

Do you have people to talk to in real life? The panic attacks sound v stressful, can you get to a GP to get help?

Sending hugs. Life is tough.

How has everyone's week been?

I have to say I'm loving my job so far, bright colleagues and interesting projects, really looking forward to getting properly stuck in. This is making getting up early (I'm not a morning person) much easier. I feel like me again tbh, I feel stimulated and it's great to have to switchy brain on. The 1.5hr commute is a bit of a bugger - I can read, sleep, listen to music or even work - but it's still a lot of time out of my day.

DH is doing a grand job stepping up more at home, though is totally frazzled. I think he hadn't realised the full-on-ness of it all.

The DC seem ok. DD2 is a bit upset and confused, so pushing me a bit. But she's also got a cold and is teething so that might explain some of it too. I miss them when I have time to think about them whilst at work, and I'm sad that I see them only for a small time at the start and end of the day. Hopefully once I'm a bit more established I cab work from home more and book in some annual leave.

The guilt has shifted a bit and is now more because I feel bad for liking work and worrying that I might look back on this time and think wtf was I doing getting a ft job when they were so small? and all of a sudden they'll be teenagers or adults and I will have blinked and missed it all.

Anyway, enjoy your weekends with your families

I'm so glad it is Friday and payday tough week all round. DD2 is really playing up in school (1st year in seniors) I'm getting daily emails about her from the teachers and she managed to get 2 detentions this week

I more or less work full time - 5 days but 9.30 to 4.30 so I can do nursery drop off and pick up (we are out of the house from 7.45 to 6 every day). I enjoy it, and I value my time with my little boy even more because of it.

So good to find this thread. Am another FT working mum although on mat leave right now after DD2 but will be going back FT later this yr. I know a couple of other FT mums at my place of work but everyone else I know is PT and that has been isolating on occasions for many reasons. Working FT is a huge challenge logistically and DP and I tend to just work out a system each time something changes and hope nobody gets too ill and nothing goes majorly wrong!! DP and I split the picking up and dropping off to nursery/school equally so that neither job suffers too much (DP is FT too). Home working (we both do some each week) is the way we manage to achieve any kind of reasonable schedule and see the kids. It is a military schedule but needs must! Financial reasons are the main reason I work FT although I would work anyway if they were not (just might change career!). I feel guilty a lot but try to tell myself I would probably feel guilty anyway about something else...guilt is part and parcel of parenting. Although have had to stop feeling guilty about some stuff..(.like the cleaning)...and put a positive spin on it- so for example - not having time for perfect cleaning and not being able to afford a cleaner means my DD s prob have quite good immunity ;-). Will watch this thread with interest and for inspiration !! Thanks for starting!