How do you handle gender identity disagreements within a long-standing social group?

[GuinevereOfTheRoyalCourt]

I am very firmly of the opinion that no child can be 'transgender', and that instead we should just embrace the fact that some are gender non-conforming and allow them to express themselves however they choose. I view the use of puberty blockers, x-sex hormones and 'gender-affirming' surgery on children as immoral.

I have participated in a club (my hobby) for many years which mostly includes middle-aged women of a similar age with teenage children. I have been aware for some time (at least 4 years) that one of the women probably had a trans child because of snippets of conversations that I've overheard and generic WhatsApp posts about trans rights.

Anyway, during a recent social gathering - one of the other ladies enquired about the child and it was clear that they have been transitioned for some time but are still only mid-teens. The mother of this child (who I've always got on with well in a superficial small-talk way) is clearly of a very similar mindset to Susie Green. I was quite horrified about what she was saying, but I sat in complete silence. All the other ladies were being really sympathetic and supportive.

This has really played on my mind. I hate confrontations and I really don't want to have any fallings out as this club is really important to me. However, I feel terrible that no other opinion was being expressed and that my silence effectively makes me complicit in the harm of a child.

How do other people deal with this sort of situation? I can't help feeling that most people don't even give much thought to this issue (hence the supportive voices from everyone else) and that we'll only stop this happening if they get to hear the 'other side'. But how can that happen if people like me feel too afraid to speak up?

So what was stopping you going a 30 second google given you seem to think that if you’d said something at the time - it would have meant the parents didn’t support it so unequivocally?

I said that they were told she was a suicide risk, which obviously impacted their judgement.

That information was false however.

But we aren’t discussing that

you were talking about long term medical side effects

Well in all fairness she was already taking it before I knew any specifics. But I had no reason to doubt what I was told then either. I now know more about it.

Completely at odds with what you have said on other threads about your cousin’s child

The fact that you think that saying to your cousin at the time that there are long term medical side effects let alone to someone at a social gathering would have made them change their unwavering support for their child is… farcical arrogance

Except we are discussing that, because whatever specifics they were told about the side effects was in the context of being told she would commit suicide if she didn't transition.

I'm not sure what your problem is here with the position I'm taking, can you explain it? All I'm doing is explaining what happened to a relative of mine.

In what way is it at odds?

And I don't really care what you think about the position I'm taking, why would I?

I have just explained

You think that by telling your cousin or someone else who has unwavering blind support in their child transitioning as you say your cousin was that there are other “long term medical side effects is going to change their mind is…
nonsense

and quite honestly… I am shocked that you didn’t do a 30 second google. This would have been in the past few years? The internet was around and thriving!

We all listened to my cousin's child when she said she was trans. My cousin affirmed her, supported her social transition and her desire to go on testosterone.
Several years later, she has detransitioned, but suffering from long term health issues from her time taking T.
We all now know that a little more skepticism at the time would have been preferable.

So we disagree. Fine, I'm sure I'll live without your approval.

I'm not sure what else to say to you. I didn't google the effects at the time, no. Do you think I'm lying or something?

How's that at odds?

You all listened when she said she had trans. Now you didn’t know until she was well along the way of taking testosterone?

and you say that your cousin was utterly blind to anything other than unwavering support but also cannot fault how my cousin handled the situation, but the outcome is highly regrettable anyway.
R

I didn't know the exact point when she started to take T. And I never said I did 🤷‍♀️

I feel desperately sorry for my cousin. She was misled by people who she should have been able to trust. I believe she handled it as best she could in the circumstances.

well far enough along that you thought that zero point you doing a thirty second google to read about the drugs and long term side effects

What is wrong with you?

Why are you being so aggressive and snippy to another poster?

What point are you trying to make? It really isn’t clear, other than you seem to be enjoying attacking someone for no good reason.

The “point” is… ludicrous to think that telling a story about someone you know is going to change the mind of a parent who you say has unwavering and blind support for their child.

Give it a rest

it was put to bed as far as I was concerned 🤷‍♀️

Agree. This is becoming unncecesarily unpleasant

You don’t have to speak up in every situation.

In a similar scenario, I mainly listen. But have said comments. For example something like “it’s hard isn’t it because of course teens feel this one thing will help them come out of their mental distress but mental health is often much more complex” or “that’s so hard. You must feel very conflicted” or “poor [transchildname], it’s awful to be so at odds with yourself, I hope they find peace and acceptance in their body.. or at an unrelated time not connected to their child .. “I feel really strongly that girls get awful messages about their bodies and we need to speak up more about women coming in every type, size and personality”.

I found if you don’t seem to be attacking their child and if you assume the parent is doing their best, often parents will confide doubts. If you go heavy on GC you will get TRA back because that’s how they have been coached. But really very few parents haven’t worried that maybe it’s not the best idea for their child to take cross sex hormones etc.. and if you provide a kind listening space and affirm that you too would be concerned I. Their shoes, without getting on a bandwagon, it helps the parent to consider other options.

I have supported parents where their child desisted. I think mainly because the parents just watchfully waited which is what I was very gently advocating. But that won’t be possible in every ocassion. Don’t feel you must say something every time.

“I feel really strongly that girls get awful messages about their bodies and we need to speak up more about women coming in every type, size and personality”.

Uh huh, 'coming in every type, size & personality' might be a bit tricky when GC's call men who embrace femininity as 'cross dressers' 'AGP' & 'sexual deviants' so save the hypocrisy.

I’d respond in the same way as if someone announced their child had become Christian or any other religion. As an atheist I wouldn’t have anything to say other than “Oh, right”. If pressed I’d be honest “No I don’t believe in any gods”. If pressed further and it was clear it was going to turn into a debate I’d be up for it.

My compromise is to stick to “they” pronouns. I won’t lie but I also won’t lecture. I think parents (some good friends) I know can’t change their mind - they are too invested. They won’t admit they cheerleadered their children on to irreversible harm. All I can do is be there

I think thats only the case for men who think 'embracing their femininity' makes them an actual woman and not a feminine man.

Yes, don't forget to make it all about the men 🙄