Friend shocks me by suddenly saying he's female. How to handle this?

[MiffedatMP]

A month ago a male co-researcher and friend I have known for 10 years, "came out as trans" by posting a couple of pics of himself on FB wearing eyeliner and studs in his newly pierced ears, and by changing his pronouns to he/she and saying he is a "trans female".

Just four weeks previously we spent the whole afternoon together and he did not breathe a word about this. He is 45, tall, broad-shouldered, slim-hipped and has angular, very masculine facial features. He looked and acted exactly the same as I have always known him: completely male in looks, speech, mannerisms, dress, etc. Therefore his announcement has come as a complete shock and, to be honest, at first I thought he was playing a prank.

Later this year we are supposed to begin a joint project which entails working closely together for months and I just don't know how to handle the situation. I've been wondering how long I can avoid ever referring to him by any pronoun - easy when it's just the two of us but the moment I have to refer to him as "he" or "her" to another person I am going to have to make a choice. I'm already worrying about this eventuality because it is bound to happen. Also on the project itself... there may be some wording which refers to him by a pronoun and again, I have to make a choice. I don't see how I can get out of this awkward situation. If I refer to him as "she" then I am sort of announcing that I am going along with this nonsense, and if I call him "he" then obviously this is going to cause massive fall out between us. He might storm out and the project abandoned, possibly after many weeks of work.

Even if I can manage to avoid the pronoun thing, how can I stay silent or dodge the subject if he looks me right in the eye and tells me he's now female? He hasn't yet changed his name but if he does I just don't think I can bring myself to call him by a female name.

I thought the easiest thing would be to just cancel the project, but that would make it look like I cancelled "just because he's trans", making me look like the baddie, losing his friendship forever and risking him smearing my good name around our small town, among our many mutual acquaintances, with goodness knows what social/business/friendship repercussions. Ditto if I replace him with someone else - I'd have to give him a reason, which, again, will get me into some kind of trouble, name-called, cancelled, hated because there are quite a few punitive activists where I live.

I understand now why people go along with it - because the alternative is life-changing, possibly life-ruining.

I just really, really wish he hadn't done this because it's made things so awkward.

What would you do?

Yes, he has. He's already accused me of "hating trans people" though he later backed down and apologised.

I don't "hate trans people" any more than I "hate" god, fairies, ghosts, stage mediums, fork-benders, pixies or leprechauns; I just don't believe in any of them.

Oh the irony of accusing your friend of tantruming. 🙄

testerical mantrum

So he's already (post his transition i presume?) said you hate trans people? If so I would run a mile from working with him as he's already being unreasonable

For what it's worth, I've walked this tightrope a number of times, worried a great deal before... and found it easier than expected once you've practised a little, established a precedent and developed a habit. It depends on the context, of course, but I'd suggest...

If your colleague isn't present, using the name should suffice, even if it feels repetitive - they're not there to mind.

If they are present, then you can use the name a fair amount before it starts to sound really unnatural, which you can avoid by alternating using it with a chatty "you", said with a smile at the colleague in question even as you also address the other people present - doing this can come across as, well, actually quite inclusive 😃 and warm, done carefully.

OP I hope this thread was helpful. I found it considerable food for thought. The more I consider the situation the more difficult it is: to navigate professional development, multiple line of personal integrity (commitment to plurality, fairness, forthrightness and GC beliefs) as well as one's on limitations and interpersonal capacity. All very difficult. Best of luck and kind regards.

Is he on antidepressants? My gay friend went on heavy antidepressants after going through some serious life alerting sh*t and suddenly found himself attracted to both men and women. Got off the meds and gone back to being gay.

How very dishonest of him. It is very much designed to try to paint you as being the unreasonable person because you won’t pretend to go along with a load of pseudoscience bunkum. Quite nasty, and I would sup with a long spoon.

Interesting that he's renowned for having "nearly over 40 years" knowledge and experience in his certain field. Because, guess what he doesn't have any knowledge or experience of... yep, being a woman.

Where is this world where you don’t get challenged and gaslit by performative antagonists? Are there flights available?

It's offline, @cherryicecreamisnice and face to face.

Most people in real life can rub along ok when given the tools to do so. I spent many years running a very large diverse community and we managed it. That doesn't mean nobody ever fell out or challenged each other - that's not a reasonable expectation - but it is reasonable to expect to be able to handle disagreement with respect and moderation and find a way forward. Most people in real life really can do this.

I have worked a lot with people from communities that were at war with each other, ongoing conflicts where their own families have been killed. It really is possible to find ways to coexist with people with whom you have profound conflict. It can be done, but I don't think it can be done online.

I don't doubt this.
The problem is, though, that trans women expect actual women to affirm them.
Often about things actual women may not have any interest in: such as make-up and so on.

I don't see it as just living and let live. It's not that simple, unfortunately.

Of course, if I meet a trans woman I will be courteous (as long as they're not in female only spaces) because surface level communication is not an issue.

If the server in say the local shop is a trans woman, I will exchange the usual pleasantries as I would anybody but I don't want to be friends with them and it would be awkward to have them as a colleague.

They expect other women to validate them.
It's really difficult to do that and why the heck should we?

what a horrible situation.

you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. It’s discrimination to reject him because of his protected transgender reassignment status. But I totally understand why it’s gonna be difficult working with him. I’d like to think in your situation I just say to him, I’m a sex realist I’m not gonna call you She and if you can work together on that basis, we’re all good but if not, we’re gonna have to rethink The Project because I’m not gonna play along with something I don’t believe in. For very good reasons.

you could also mention that you’re very uncomfortable with the idea of compelled speech and happened in particular having your speech compelled in a way that goes against your beliefs.

If it all blows up it blows up but it sounds like it’s gonna blow up either way. I’m really sorry you’re going through this and I hope you find a solution sooner than later so you can stop stressing about it.