Friend shocks me by suddenly saying he's female. How to handle this?

[MiffedatMP]

A month ago a male co-researcher and friend I have known for 10 years, "came out as trans" by posting a couple of pics of himself on FB wearing eyeliner and studs in his newly pierced ears, and by changing his pronouns to he/she and saying he is a "trans female".

Just four weeks previously we spent the whole afternoon together and he did not breathe a word about this. He is 45, tall, broad-shouldered, slim-hipped and has angular, very masculine facial features. He looked and acted exactly the same as I have always known him: completely male in looks, speech, mannerisms, dress, etc. Therefore his announcement has come as a complete shock and, to be honest, at first I thought he was playing a prank.

Later this year we are supposed to begin a joint project which entails working closely together for months and I just don't know how to handle the situation. I've been wondering how long I can avoid ever referring to him by any pronoun - easy when it's just the two of us but the moment I have to refer to him as "he" or "her" to another person I am going to have to make a choice. I'm already worrying about this eventuality because it is bound to happen. Also on the project itself... there may be some wording which refers to him by a pronoun and again, I have to make a choice. I don't see how I can get out of this awkward situation. If I refer to him as "she" then I am sort of announcing that I am going along with this nonsense, and if I call him "he" then obviously this is going to cause massive fall out between us. He might storm out and the project abandoned, possibly after many weeks of work.

Even if I can manage to avoid the pronoun thing, how can I stay silent or dodge the subject if he looks me right in the eye and tells me he's now female? He hasn't yet changed his name but if he does I just don't think I can bring myself to call him by a female name.

I thought the easiest thing would be to just cancel the project, but that would make it look like I cancelled "just because he's trans", making me look like the baddie, losing his friendship forever and risking him smearing my good name around our small town, among our many mutual acquaintances, with goodness knows what social/business/friendship repercussions. Ditto if I replace him with someone else - I'd have to give him a reason, which, again, will get me into some kind of trouble, name-called, cancelled, hated because there are quite a few punitive activists where I live.

I understand now why people go along with it - because the alternative is life-changing, possibly life-ruining.

I just really, really wish he hadn't done this because it's made things so awkward.

What would you do?

I've addressed upthread that I think trans people need individual provision there, because prisons are such unsafe environments we need to be pragmatic about it. But in theory I don't see how mixed sex imprisonment is inherently cruel or unusual punishment.

Because unless you're checking people's chromosomes you're going to run into a heck of a lot of variation. And who decides where to draw that line? Policing women only benefits the patriarchy.

Lol

If you accept there is a risk (which I would argue is irrelevant because predators are going to predate and no amount of signage makes a difference), then how are you going to protect trans women from men? Unless you are in favour of providing gender neutral options?

Why is it women's responsibility to protect men from men?

Chromosone checks - tick
Genital inspections - tick
Men are going to assault anyway so let them in - tick

It's like being on reddit.

I'm expecting 'intersex' to make an appearance next.

I accept that many women feel that way. To me (as a woman) it feels like a sad symptom of a greater problem on inequality, but I respect views may differ.

"then how are you going to protect trans women from men?"

How is it women's responsibility to protect men who claim to be women from men?

No, the right is to have access to a public facility. Which by that argument, no trans person would have. Perhaps you support gender neutral options?

No, the right is to have access to a public facility.

What public facility?

Trans people have the same rights as everyone else in this respect.

Simple. Calling them by their preferred pronouns. Any other way that doesn't relate to physical sex differences. Minding my own business about what they do with their clothes or hair or whatever. The same as I would treat a fellow woman anyway.

Please don't assume my thoughts on women's feelings vs men, thanks. The maternity services example doesn't make sense. Some women will have fertility issues. Some women will be child free. Are we going to go around and question everyone woman/girl of childbearing (whatever that means) age on whether she plans on being pregnant and how often? No, we just allow for a certain amount of variation which could easily include the tiny fraction of trans women.
Our views on gender clearly differ, but I've never said men are women, so we can leave that aside.

Welcome to the trap - no pun intended. If you refer to people by their biological sex, you are never wrong.

I think you're just going to have to cut him off, I know it's harsh but you simply can't have anything more to do with him. Ever. This is not about him liking thrash metal and you liking pop.
It's an absolutely fundamental disagreement.
How to go about it? I don't know.

You've got to think of your safety.
He's delusional , you won't be able to support it. People who are delusional don't respond well to having it questioned.
Men are generally stronger than women physically, don't forget.
You might be safer physically if you were a man and a female friend decided to 'become' a male.

It's cut your losses time. Sorry.

Well, quite. Which is why we're arguing for women being defined and accepted in a way that requires no "policing" - the way we'd always been before this.

If you truly believe that our only choice is between 1) the absolute capitulation of all women to opening previously single-sex spaces to males just on their say-so or 2) these extraordinary, hysterical visions of a dystopian hell...

You're arguing either for the silencing of hundreds of thousands of worried females to accommodate a minority of males (1, above) or for the most extraordinary kind of horrors imaginable (2, above).

Frankly, I find this hard to understand. It feels illogical (and far-fetched to say the least!)

So I just go for 3): women fought for and won single-sex spaces, and these have functioned without the slightest issue for over a hundred years; as such, let's show respect for the hundreds of thousands of women who want to retain this precious gain, while building on it - by campaigning to ensure trans people have equivalent accommodations in their turn.

But in theory I don't see how mixed sex imprisonment is inherently cruel or unusual punishment.

Really?

Tell that to the women raped (and made pregnant) in prison. Tell that to the women forced to shower with male criminals. Tell that to the incarcerated women who have been victims of MVAWG, whom I believe are in the majority of female prisoners.

I do not think you can be a serious poster.

Interesting. From my perspective, I have tried to engage in good faith with any and all arguments and facts and explained why they don't convince me so far. I have even agreed on some counts. On multiple occasions I've acknowledged it is an issue for people, and empathized with that. But to me there is an overarching fact that there are infinitely bigger problems, and yet this topic has only been given more and more weight in the past few years. Why? I am naturally suspicious of any culture war because it's invariably powerful people putting vulnerable people against each other for their own gain.

Sorry to disappoint, but I'm a straight woman 🤷🏼

By your argument transwomen (aka men) are no safer using women’s toilets so they may as well go in with the other men

That comment didn’t appear to be about you.

In which case, their sex-based pronouns remain he/him.

I don't deny the threat that men pose to women. I know that from my own experience. I'm saying that afaik calling something single sex or not makes no difference. Predators find a way, and it's rarely in a public toilet. Signage protects nobody, so how are we actually enforcing it without harming women even more?

@LittleMyLabyrinth posted earlier today What rights are you thinking of? I can't think of any that are that specific, but as you say I haven’t given it much thought.

The ignorance around this subject is clear to see. But if she hasn't given it much thought and, in her own words said - idgaf - then it's easy to see how she lacks knowledge and understanding around the subject which many women on these boards have been involved in for years.

It's all very well sitting in a place of privilege knowing that it's not going to be you locked up with a sexual predator.

This was in April this year. A whole year after the Supreme Court judgement.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c4glne43101o

I addressed that.

Predators are going to predate, but it helps if you now the predator who has just come in SHOULD NOT BE THERE so you are allowed to SCREAM, SHOUT, KICK or RUN instead of thinking you cannot say a word because they have a right to be there.

This is whether they appear to look a bit like a woman, or look like a man but could be a woman.