Friend shocks me by suddenly saying he's female. How to handle this?

[MiffedatMP]

A month ago a male co-researcher and friend I have known for 10 years, "came out as trans" by posting a couple of pics of himself on FB wearing eyeliner and studs in his newly pierced ears, and by changing his pronouns to he/she and saying he is a "trans female".

Just four weeks previously we spent the whole afternoon together and he did not breathe a word about this. He is 45, tall, broad-shouldered, slim-hipped and has angular, very masculine facial features. He looked and acted exactly the same as I have always known him: completely male in looks, speech, mannerisms, dress, etc. Therefore his announcement has come as a complete shock and, to be honest, at first I thought he was playing a prank.

Later this year we are supposed to begin a joint project which entails working closely together for months and I just don't know how to handle the situation. I've been wondering how long I can avoid ever referring to him by any pronoun - easy when it's just the two of us but the moment I have to refer to him as "he" or "her" to another person I am going to have to make a choice. I'm already worrying about this eventuality because it is bound to happen. Also on the project itself... there may be some wording which refers to him by a pronoun and again, I have to make a choice. I don't see how I can get out of this awkward situation. If I refer to him as "she" then I am sort of announcing that I am going along with this nonsense, and if I call him "he" then obviously this is going to cause massive fall out between us. He might storm out and the project abandoned, possibly after many weeks of work.

Even if I can manage to avoid the pronoun thing, how can I stay silent or dodge the subject if he looks me right in the eye and tells me he's now female? He hasn't yet changed his name but if he does I just don't think I can bring myself to call him by a female name.

I thought the easiest thing would be to just cancel the project, but that would make it look like I cancelled "just because he's trans", making me look like the baddie, losing his friendship forever and risking him smearing my good name around our small town, among our many mutual acquaintances, with goodness knows what social/business/friendship repercussions. Ditto if I replace him with someone else - I'd have to give him a reason, which, again, will get me into some kind of trouble, name-called, cancelled, hated because there are quite a few punitive activists where I live.

I understand now why people go along with it - because the alternative is life-changing, possibly life-ruining.

I just really, really wish he hadn't done this because it's made things so awkward.

What would you do?

From a legal point of view, it's best just to not work together again.

Sorry if I missed you saying, but it's not clear if the project is in work time and you're an employee, or you're a self employed contractor, or it's something like the parent council at school, or if it's a completely voluntary/social hobby thing.
I think it'll change my answer slightly depending on the exact context.

I'm very sorry you're faced with having to deal with this OP.
The only tiny ray of positiveness I see in it is that it is only starting out, you are in at the beginning of his...what shall I call it politely? 'action'.

It's not like having to deal with someone who is already trans-IDing.
You already have a relationship with this person, on the basis that he is a man.
A friendship is a 50-50 thing. He has made a decision, he wants your validation, but he can't demand it from you.

I agree with MyThreeWords about establishing boundaries - this is where being 'in at the beginning' is useful.

He undoubtedly feels it is important for him to be 100% honest with you about who he is [now], and you are equally entitled to be 100% honest with him about how that changes the basis for your friendship with him, changes his standing as your long-established colleague, and causes profound issues for you, which are as genuinely important to you as his are to him.

As far as the work project is concerned - I just don't know what to say about that, except that it sounds very tricky to avoid it without making it appear that it's all about the trans thing, but months of working closely with him and having to suppress your feelings would be awful.

I hope you get useful advice here - at least you can come on here and tell us how you are feeling about the situation

Just call him by his name, instead of a pronoun. I did this with a colleague. It’s a pain in the arse to do tbh, but the pragmatic solution. If he tries a conversation about being trans just don’t engage and changes the subject. If he forces it, do what pp says and say ‘your private life is not my concern’ and talk about work again. Then he can flounce if he wants to.

It depends how important the project is to you, I suppose. If it’s not the important just call it off, but if it is important to you, I would do the above.

I'd try any way I could to cancel or delay the project

Sounds like the friendship is lost forever anyway, if you can't accept that he is now a trans female. I'm not saying that you are wrong - in your shoes I would struggle tbh. Your feelings are valid, and just because they have taken this step it doesn't mean that you have to be on board.

I don't see why this should make you give up the project if it's a project you'd like to do for whatever reason. What you want matters more to you than this person changing gender.

I think I'd say something like 'oh ok, thanks for the update - I've known you for ages as a man so apologies in advance if a 'he' or the name I knew you as slips out. It won't make any difference to how we work on the project will it? '

I mean just to be polite and show you are not expecting it to affect working on the project and covering yourself for any mistakes. I would find it really hard to avoid slips after knowing someone so long as a man - maybe when the person is in the room you'll remember because the person will presumably be dressing as how the person views as a woman.

I do agree it's mind bogglingly confusing and it's amazing how many people are changing their gender. But it sounds like you got on well up to now, so hopefully that will help make working on the project together go ok even if the friendship is no longer the same.

I don't know if he's open to it. I didn't know him very deeply to begin with but now he feels like a total stranger that I don't comprehend at all.

I think your suggestion is a good one, though. Ask for a face-to-face meeting over a cuppa and say just what you wrote. And if he cannot "agree to disagree" then it's him voluntarily withdrawing from the project.

I'll be really sorry to lose him, as I don't think I can do the project without him as he has expertise it takes years to acquire.

As pp have said, It depends a lot on your work set up OP. I wouldn't speak with him about it until you know where you stand legally.

I think I’d be really pragmatic with him.
I invited Steve to work with me on this project and I’d like steve to turn up. Is that going to be an issue? I don’t want to know about your personal life, but to focus on the task.

This

No, you can't do that.

If it's a project that means a lot to you, I wouldn't risk saying the above - it seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face, not to mention that it sounds as though he could take it badly and possibly use it against you. Maybe the first bit, that you've prepared, would go ok but then if he argues back who knows where the discussion might go and how he might interpret what you say?

What about just being non committal about the subject and using his name all the time?

(Because you seem to have as much or more to lose from backing out than he does?)

I was being deliberately vague so as not to accidentally expose who I am and who my friend is.

It's none of those things, without outing myself let's say it's a "shared hobby" but I own the company that would turn our joint project into something that makes money for both of us, 50-50.

I'm quite certain the law does not come into this. We are not employees. It's more like a hobby project based on our shared love of something.

The level of autonomy you have doesn't make it sound like a project set by an employer.

I am very gender critical but I think you need to be careful you don't get dragged into a discrimination case if it's a service or organisation you're involved with, even if voluntary.

I'd probably let the project die a death - make excuses that can't be challenged if necessary, like 'personal reasons' .

Ultimately you need to decide if the mental/ethical gymnastics are worth your time and energy vs how much the project matters to you.

I am really sorry you are being put in this position.

And would like to add that as this is your project and you invited him to be part of it, would like to think rather than expecting you to just accept some general announcement on SM or where ever he would get in touch with you!

But as now seems to be the norm everyone else is supposed to adjust to their "reality".

Also, a PP referred to work colleagues being expected to be kind and used the preferred pronouns of the trans person.

However the Forestater case made clear that both "beliefs" have equal status ie sex realist vs. sex identifiers.

But think the suggestion made by others to say to him, its your life but as I know you as Joe Blogs and invited you to work with me as Joe Blogs that is who you will be to me as a co-worker. (Thanks for your understanding Joe!)

Best of luck

I am christian and worked with trans people. I called them by name

What the fuck?

Even if I can manage to avoid the pronoun thing, how can I stay silent or dodge the subject if he looks me right in the eye and tells me he's now female?

“I’m not obliged to play along with your fantasies but by all means you do you” would suffice.

I am Slavic and I cannot believe how much people beat around the bush on this topic in the UK. You do realise they’re not qualified to argue with science no? I’ve no time for such nonsense.

I'd definitely not have a conversation about it that could be turned against you - and don't imagine that couldn't happen. I'd just let the project drift and think about a way you might do it without him in the future.

I’d keep going. Use the name that’s suggested; everyone has the right to change their name. Start stripping your language of pronouns - it gets easier - and use she if you have to.

Just be as normal as you can. Ignore the transition - it’s their business. Practice a couple of neutral responses like ‘I’m not very interested in clothes’ if they try to involve you in discussions of their outfit (this has happened to a friend. Of course that won’t work if you are madly into fashion).

He's not an employee. It's a shared hobby. He is an expert in his 50% of the project and I am the expert on my 50% - no overlap, so he cannot do it without me, and vice-versa. When the project comes to fruition the small company I own will then commercialise it and he and I will share the income.

I worked with someone in 1999 same thing , very masculine looking, builders build , big hairy legs, used to come to work in a mini dress and stilettos, no tights. It’s challenging to say the least.