Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

[ImmyNotNewHere]

Yesterday I found emails on my partners phone from just before we met, where he is hooking up with ‘trans women’.

I know this isn’t strictly feminism, however I don’t want to post in relationships and be met with a chorus of how I need to be more ‘inclusive’ and less ‘bigoted’.

I have been with my partner for 7.5 years, and during that time he has been amazing, kind, caring, devoted. I can’t really complain at all.

however yesterday I was on his emails looking for receipts for accounting, and I searched a term and
at the bottom of the results was an email from a few months before we met, where he was replying to a transsexual on Craigslist.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I then searched for further Craigslist emails, and found roughly 6 more where he is replying to ‘’mature transvestite slut seems man‘ & ‘tall sexy thick black transsexual slag’ just to name a few.

He has responded in one of them that he is a ‘straight acting guy’ and in others that he is ‘bi’.

Anyway world has crumbled really. I’ve searched some of the people he was messaging and it is VILE.

I am quite sure he hasn’t been with anyone since we were together, but I still feel betrayed. He lied to me about who he is/was.

I also feel total repulsion.

we have two children and he is father to my stepson (Yes huge red flag which I am taking seriously)

I guess just need some advice.

If you are a transwoman that obvioulsy implies you are male. If you are 'straight' that must mean you are naturally attracted to women. If you are a male attracted to other males then you must be either homosexual or bi-sexual. Male sexual proclivities are a minefield, exacerbated and intimately shaped by pornography and hook-up sites. And yes, I agree, Whatever he was doing, or fantasising about doing, he will still be doing.

It is her business if he is sexually attracted to her, thats the end of it. Time to grow up.

Yes, extensive homosexuality as the norm and evidence of trans identities dont' go back thousands of years, long before porn or anything . . .

Well I’m in agreement with the red lines you outline there. I wouldn’t be at all comfortable being with someone who was into sexual violence or cucking or scat either.

But fetishes and sexual orientation are different things. The OP’s husband has slept with transgender women. That doesn’t necessarily mean he has a fetish. He could be Pan.

We are all different though.

Transvestites (crossdressers) yes, but transgender is a recent thing.

We know for certain many have lived as, and considered themselves to be, the opposite gender in history.

The term is new, what it refers to is not.

Yes. All people have sexual preferences. And the very least you can do is be honest about them if you're committing to a marriage.

This man presented himself as heterosexual. That's a lie. He's had sex with men. So he's at least bi. These men were also transwomen. So he may also have a fetish. His wife deserved to know this information before they married. That's not an unreasonable expectation.

Agreed .
You know the way it is on this though 🙄

Thats an interesting point. I reflected on it, and ultimately I dont believe in pan. I believe in gay, straight and bi. But I think this guy is probably bi with a fetish for men dressed as women. I may be oversimplying it but that is how I see it. So I think its a sexuality thing AND a fetish. Personally I wouldn't be into either. I wouldn't date a bi man, or even want to be with a man who had dabbled with men in his past, and I certainly wouldn't be with a man who got his rocks off shagging men dressed as women. But I do agree these things are different - sexuality and fetish.

Interesting discussion.

I am the first and only trans person my husband has been with. I know the difference between straight culture and gay male culture, because I was around the gay community during transition. He has no experience with gay culture or pornography.

But you, as is the case with most users of this site, must reimagine our relationship and how we exist in the wider world to make it make sense in your cultural belief system.

OR - just had another thought. Could the DH just be a bi man who has no fetish for transwomen - its for other reasons, such as internalised homophobia and feeling like shagging a man in a dress makes it less 'gay'? Or another reason maybe rather than it being a fetish per se?

It’s been a horrible shock for you, OP. But how much does it matter that he had bisexual relationships before you met him? He hasn’t shown signs of wanting sex with other people since you’ve been together, has he?

The trans stuff would worry me more. But again, it was long ago. And it sounds as if he wasn’t play-acting being a woman himself, just having sex with other men who were. It probably seemed a bit of exotic fun.

As for the lying, people often panic and lie when they’re cornered. He felt ashamed and embarrassed.

I wouldn’t be too bothered about it, OP. As long as he’s being honest now.

If you asked an Ancient Greek man about homosexuality, he wouldn’t understand what you meant. Their ideas of sexuality were different from ours.

The "so what" is that the language tells her something about who he is, and how he thinks. Would you say "so what" is she had found out he was messaging people using the n-word?

My DH doesn't use words like "slut" and "slag" with me, down the pub, or anywhere else. If I found out he did, he would not be the man I thought he was. Aren't we past Trump's "locker room talk" as an excuse for gross misogyny?

If you're of the male sex and you are in a relationship with another person of the male sex, you are gay. And you and your husband are the embodiment of 'gay culture'. That's why it's called homosexuality (as opposed to heterosexuality). It's really very straight forward despite you trying to reimagine and redefining relationships to suit your gender ideological belief system.

Except in the reality the rest of us live in, gay men are not attracted to women. The only people attracted to trans women are, I'm sad to say, like the OP's partner—more specifically attracted to trans women who don't 'go all the way' with surgery.

Or bi.

Havent rtft but were any post op? I would use it as an opportunity to find out what it felt like for him with a neo vag v natal vag. And did he notice the difference between a male and female frame. I would also consider him to be bisexual, not hetro. Most importantly, did he have safe sex?

I recently listened to a podcast in which the guest, a young man, told the story of how he became convinced as a teen (by watching porn) that he was bi and then gay. He lived as a gay man for several years and was very intense about this identity. Then he fell in love with a woman and realised he wasn’t gay at all. In his case he was honest with his new partner. Unfortunately it was a deal breaker for her too and they broke up. I felt very sorry for the guy as he said porn ruined his life. I wonder if your DH has had a similar experience and has regrets and thought he could leave it behind. I don’t know how I’d feel in your situation but I think for me it would depend a lot on how he now feels about that stage of his life, which counselling may help you explore.

This is what upset me - the wasted years. If he'd told me at the beginning I would have said that it wasn't for me.

My situation was very similar to yours. Together 7 years, 2 children together and I had a son from a previous relationship. It wasn't until I was 5 months pregnant that I discovered he was on a gay dating website looking to hook up with somebody local. He'd accidentally not closed the webpage! I was absolutely beside myself and I felt quite alone. My family didn't like him anyway as he was abusive so, I never told anybody for many years.

Strangely enough, we had a 16 year old boy living next door to us and he would go in the garden whenever he was outside and sometimes talk for hours. So, after I discovered this, things started to click for me. When we broke up, he once collected my teen son from school without informing me. After that, I kept him well away him.

I didn't leave him btw and it just turned me into a paranoid mess with no self esteem. We've been apart for many years now and I still feel bad about myself. If you look on here, every month or so, a poor woman has had this happen to them. The deceit is beyond comprehension. The lies they tell are incredible. You can feel like you were only a beard basically.

Sorry I've rambled but I'll just disclose this. After 3 years of the first discovery, I found a secret phone in a cereal box after an alarm started going off. He'd previously told me that he had lost that phone. Anyway, when I opened it, it was full of gay porn. Whatever he says to you, please do not waste any more years on him. They lie and even if you don't think he's cheated, I'd be very surprised. Those dating sites are an eye opener. There are a lot of "straight" men on them.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

@twilightermummy what an absolutely heartbreaking story. So not only was he a gay man lying and cheating on you all those years - he was a pedophile! You poor thing.

Whatever your culture or belief system, or his prior experience, you remain two males in a relationship together My gay male friend tells me that there are lots of 'straight' men looking for men who 'identify as' women on gay hook-up sites, and he also says a surprising number of gay men like to wear female underwear.

I also know of at least one gay man who is in a relationship with someone who identifies as and presents 'as a woman'...so it is not as unusual as you suggest. The same way lots of lesbians are now in relationships with women who 'identify as' men.

I still maintain that more men are open to experimenting with other men than would like to admit it. The cross dressing element provides a cover, and has become something of a fetish for many.

Men have been 'keeping' boys for ever, even though it remains taboo in most religions.

I've not read all the thread but I was going to ask what your boundaries are.

Mine would be that my partner hadn't been with other men, ever. Or were attracted to men dressing up as grotesque versions of women. Your partner has broken two of my boundaries so that would be the end of the relationship for me.

But you had asked all this and he lied straight to your face. That's the biggest deal breaker imho. He's a liar and dishonest.

Where did I say he was cheating?