Page 8 | Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

childrenaremyworld · 05/05/2026 17:23

I’m so sorry, this is a huge betrayal, personally I would never be able to trust him again, also the fact he denied it at first. Could you trial a separation to give yourself some breathing space? Also if you feel able to confide in close family and friends for support xx

Giselle374 · 05/05/2026 17:24

Tweetybye · 05/05/2026 17:23

The issue at the heart of this is OP can’t handle her partners sexual past. That’s her issue and she entitled to be not ok with it but it is HER issue.

Partner has done nothing wrong. Has in OP own words been loving and caring. So all these suggestions of Std checks and child safety concerns are scaremongering of your own fear and intolerances.

so what he used filthy language. Most of you word have a fit if you heard how your husbands really talk down the pub or to the work colleagues. His language was probably non wise I imagine. If you believe otherwise you’re naive.

Most of you word have a fit if you heard how your husbands really talk down the pub or to the work colleagues.

sadly I do think a lot of women would- and justifiably. But if we KNOW our partners talk or act in a way we don't agree with when they're not with us...do we have to stand for it?

Daleksatemyshed · 05/05/2026 17:26

ThatBlackCat · 05/05/2026 17:18

But did you have a fetish, and were you upfront with your husband about that past? Did you lie when asked about it?

Yeah. There is a major difference.

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Exactly, everyone is allowed to make an informed choice.

Giselle374 · 05/05/2026 17:28

Weeellokthen · 05/05/2026 12:35

Sorry hun, you can't just flick a switch and no longer enjoy penis's. I would be vvv surprised if he's not indulged in his homosexual urges, whilst being in a relationship with you
I would be done, i'm afraid x

Hmm...does that mean if bisexual women date women they'll cheat with men because of the irresistible power of the penis?

Imo the issue is he's a man. Men who are bi can be happy in a relationship with a woman (or man) but some prioritise fulfilling all sexual desires and cheat - which straight men are also more likely to do than straight women .

Shoppingmakesmehappy · 05/05/2026 17:29

I would be worried that since getting with you he has been deleting his emails looking for the hook ups-if this is what he's into it just wont disappear for 7 years

ArabellaScott · 05/05/2026 17:40

ImmyNotNewHere · 05/05/2026 11:18

I spoke to him and he initially just denied and lied. Multiple times. This is almost the worst part is the slithering, I know feel like I do not trust him whatsoever, I have absolutely no way of knowing what has really happened and who he really is.

eventually he admitted that yes he has had sex with men.

It’s so grim. It’s not my cup of tea at all. I just wish he had said it from the start, and I could have made a decision.

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry.

The lying is the worst of it, I agree.

Sending you my best.

RapidOnsetGenderCritic · 05/05/2026 17:41

Giselle374 · 05/05/2026 17:28

Hmm...does that mean if bisexual women date women they'll cheat with men because of the irresistible power of the penis?

Imo the issue is he's a man. Men who are bi can be happy in a relationship with a woman (or man) but some prioritise fulfilling all sexual desires and cheat - which straight men are also more likely to do than straight women .

Edited

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Is there evidence for this? Because if we're talking heterosexual, either there are a similar number of women and men engaged in it, or men are having sex with a smaller number of women (who are more promiscuous) or women are having sex with a smaller number of men (who are more promiscuous). Unless I'm missing something.

previouslyknownas · 05/05/2026 17:42

Tweetybye · 05/05/2026 14:47

OP also lied about who she was. She violated her DH privacy and breached the trust of their marriage by searching through his emails. How many people would be with someone if they knew they would be snooping through their phones, emails etc when not invited?

DH past experiences aren't anything he should be ashamed of. Yes, he lied, but only after OP shattered his privacy and trust so I don't see how he comes across as the bad guy here?

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How did he lie after

he didn’t tell her the truth to start with

Wearenotborg · 05/05/2026 17:46

HomeSafety · 05/05/2026 17:13

Your partner isn't gay OP, he has a fetish. A pretty grim one, which involves degradation.

Fetishes tend to cluster. Men who have one tend to have others. Usually other pretty grim ones, probably also involving degrading others or himself in some other ways associated with pretending to be women.

If he’s having sex with men, of course he’s gay

CauseImMrDarkside · 05/05/2026 17:55

Emilesgran · 05/05/2026 11:07

On rereading your OP, you’re certain he hasn’t been with anyone but you said he’s “hooking up” with them? How can you be sure, unless it’s simply that he just hasn’t yet had the opportunity?

If that’s the case, it’s just a matter of time until he gets daring enough to take the step. And you finding out might well be that last thing that was stopping him from taking it further. So I think you need to prepare yourself to end things, because as the other poster said, this won’t stop, it will only get worse. Either you decide to live with it (I couldn’t but clearly some women do) or you leave him.

You re-read but didn't spot she said it was from before they met, over 7.5 yrs ago?🤔

HomeSafety · 05/05/2026 17:56

Wearenotborg · 05/05/2026 17:46

If he’s having sex with men, of course he’s gay

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Well he may be bisexual. But he's not only bisexual, he's a lying bisexual with a nasty fetish.

BillieWiper · 05/05/2026 18:14

Giselle374 · 05/05/2026 16:32

Having more potential people doesn't necessarily make cheating more likely..but sadly I thunk men are more likely to cheat & more sexually driven on average. So possibly bi men may be more likely to miss the fact they can't have gay sex anymore..

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Yeah I agree. It's not the bi-ness that makes someone unfaithful. No sexuality makes you like that. It's a moral individual decision.

But yeah, I mean I personally wouldn't generally date a bi man. I don't think. But I need them to be honest if they were and then I could make an educated decision. If for some reason I felt I could in that specific case.

And I think it's probably because of the reasons you said.

I think OP feels the same so feels cheated from the start.

Giselle374 · 05/05/2026 18:19

RapidOnsetGenderCritic · 05/05/2026 17:41

Is there evidence for this? Because if we're talking heterosexual, either there are a similar number of women and men engaged in it, or men are having sex with a smaller number of women (who are more promiscuous) or women are having sex with a smaller number of men (who are more promiscuous). Unless I'm missing something.

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Aha, sorry I need to clarify. Men are more likely to cheat in the sense of having an affair while married. Obviously there must be a similar number of women having sex with them, but these women tend to be single (thinking of hetero couples in this instance of course.. ) so while they're participating in adultery, they're not cheating in the sense of having an affair while married - that is what men are more likely to do.

Giselle374 · 05/05/2026 18:20

Wearenotborg · 05/05/2026 17:46

If he’s having sex with men, of course he’s gay

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Bi men exist : there are clearly issues beyond that here. Fetishes, potentially incompatible views about sex erc

LumenLights · 05/05/2026 18:23

I think people need to accept that any partners they meet as adults are going to have had a past which includes behaviour they may not be proud of and which the partner may not be happy with.

I don’t think people should be judged for their behaviour before they met their current partner, as long as they are not breaking any laws or being morally reprehensible - and consensual sex is not morally reprehensible.

That said - in my experience I have never met a single man who was attracted to TIMs who wasn’t a huge red flag.

You can leave a relationship for any reason but if he’s a good dad and a good partner then I don’t see how his sexual history is relevant.

Colleagueissue26 · 05/05/2026 18:25

ImmyNotNewHere · 05/05/2026 16:14

I currently have no evidence to suggest that there was any payments made, it appears to be casual hook ups. Not sure how Craigslist works though, and what likelihood of paid or not.

at this point the paid aspect is somewhat irrelevant, it’s finding out my partner is a closet homosexual

If he’s denying it, order a strapon, then when he arrives home from work tomorrow lie on the bed and order him on all fours.

You’ll soon find out the truth!

LumenLights · 05/05/2026 18:31

Tweetybye · 05/05/2026 17:23

The issue at the heart of this is OP can’t handle her partners sexual past. That’s her issue and she entitled to be not ok with it but it is HER issue.

Partner has done nothing wrong. Has in OP own words been loving and caring. So all these suggestions of Std checks and child safety concerns are scaremongering of your own fear and intolerances.

so what he used filthy language. Most of you word have a fit if you heard how your husbands really talk down the pub or to the work colleagues. His language was probably non wise I imagine. If you believe otherwise you’re naive.

Did he use filthy language? The “slut” and “slag” were how the TIMs referred to themselves.

I don’t think it’s particularly uncommon for straight men to have had some sort of gay experience and it’s no surprise they feel they need to keep it secret.

Frugalgal · 05/05/2026 18:32

ImmyNotNewHere · 05/05/2026 10:44

Yesterday I found emails on my partners phone from just before we met, where he is hooking up with ‘trans women’.

I know this isn’t strictly feminism, however I don’t want to post in relationships and be met with a chorus of how I need to be more ‘inclusive’ and less ‘bigoted’.

I have been with my partner for 7.5 years, and during that time he has been amazing, kind, caring, devoted. I can’t really complain at all.

however yesterday I was on his emails looking for receipts for accounting, and I searched a term and
at the bottom of the results was an email from a few months before we met, where he was replying to a transsexual on Craigslist.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I then searched for further Craigslist emails, and found roughly 6 more where he is replying to ‘’mature transvestite slut seems man‘ & ‘tall sexy thick black transsexual slag’ just to name a few.

He has responded in one of them that he is a ‘straight acting guy’ and in others that he is ‘bi’.

Anyway world has crumbled really. I’ve searched some of the people he was messaging and it is VILE.

I am quite sure he hasn’t been with anyone since we were together, but I still feel betrayed. He lied to me about who he is/was.

I also feel total repulsion.

we have two children and he is father to my stepson (Yes huge red flag which I am taking seriously)

I guess just need some advice.

You'll never be able to have sex with him again without thinking about him with other men, will you? On that basis plus the lying, it's dead.

There's nothing wrong with any of it if you're honest about it and your partner can make an informed choice. He didn't give you that option.

Giselle374 · 05/05/2026 18:33

Giselle374 · 05/05/2026 16:07

It sounds like he actually is into men & though so probably not just experimenting.

I'm actually bi myself but I do think men who are bi are slightly different case. For one, women having sex with women don't run the STD risks men having sex with men do (well unless they don't do anal but most do).

Second, there is a subset of bi men who hookup while married to women. Bi women don't tend to do female hookups while lying to their husbands, well maybe a few but there is no equivalent subset.

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I also have a 3rd thought on this which is that generally speaking, a lot of straight women like their partner to be somewhat dominant sexually. And for many (at least I gather from what I've seen here & elsewhere), the thought of their partner being penetrated by another man interferes with their perception of him sexually.
Others just don't like the thought of their partner having anal sex no matter the role (and I'd feel that way myself).

Obviously these are all deeply personal things that women are entitled to have. This is another reason why I think bi posters saying, 'Do you feel the same about bi women? Should bi women disclose to partners for these reasons?' Etc are missing some points, although I do understand how they feel

A bi woman imo should disclose to her partners. But it's fair to say while some straight men don't want a bi partner for various reasons, a lot would have no issue for various imo often sexist reasons (fetishising bisexuality, hoping for threesomes, seeing earlier lesbian relationships as experimentation and impossible to be a potential threat etc). So again, the stakes are different.

Bloozie · 05/05/2026 18:37

If this was my husband...

I wouldn't be bothered he had slept with trans women/men before we met, as long as he had been faithful to me throughout our relationship.

I wouldn't be bothered if he was bi or pansexual, as long as he'd been faithful to me always. A straight man's head can always be turned by another woman. I find many women sexually attractive - I don't think I am entirely straight - but I would never be unfaithful.

I would, however, be BOILINGLY FURIOUS that I was only finding out about these things now, and that he lied about them.

That would be the relationship-ender for me. Not the acts themselves. The fact that he didn't tell you, and lied. I'm so sorry, OP.

amibeingaknob · 05/05/2026 19:02

Im so so sorry OP. This happened to my daughter. She was with her male partner for ages and she was pregnant. She came to me really upset because she had found trans porn on his phone. He admitted he was really into it and aroused by it, and he couldn't explain why. She tried to bury it, but she kept catching him on sites trying to engage with transwomen as well as watch trans porn. She really just wasnt into it and was struggling. Eventually he decided he was trans and started transitioning. Again, she tried to be understanding and support him. A year later she left him and just said she couldn't get past it, and he - 5 years later - is transitioned, lives fully as a transwoman, and is married to a woman and has another child. So yeh, he could be fetishing transwomen or he could want to be one.

I agree with others though - fetishes rarely go away or are suppressed. If he was sleeping with transwomen before you he will still be into that. Are you absolutely sure he hasn't engaged? And if he says he hasnt looked at trans porn since I wouldn't believe him.

Also Im with you, I couldn't get past it at all. I would have the major ick and not be able to go back. But that would be if my fella admitted he was bi and had had sex with men before us as well. Just not for me.

amibeingaknob · 05/05/2026 19:06

Bloozie · 05/05/2026 18:37

If this was my husband...

I wouldn't be bothered he had slept with trans women/men before we met, as long as he had been faithful to me throughout our relationship.

I wouldn't be bothered if he was bi or pansexual, as long as he'd been faithful to me always. A straight man's head can always be turned by another woman. I find many women sexually attractive - I don't think I am entirely straight - but I would never be unfaithful.

I would, however, be BOILINGLY FURIOUS that I was only finding out about these things now, and that he lied about them.

That would be the relationship-ender for me. Not the acts themselves. The fact that he didn't tell you, and lied. I'm so sorry, OP.

I respect that, and we are all different, but for me what my partner is into does really affect me, whether they are faithful or not. If my bloke was secretly into sexual violence, or cuckholding or shitting on people and had done this with previous partners but was ok not doing it with me Id have a huge issue with that.

My ex DH of 21 years developed a fetish for cuckholding about 6 years before we got divorced. It was the beginning and the end for me. The idea of it just consumed him and he became obsessed with it and desperate for me to do it. It just ruined us (amongst other things). Real fetishes just don't go away IME

IwantToRetire · 05/05/2026 19:13

SidewaysOtter · 05/05/2026 11:37

The OP can discuss it here if she wants. Perhaps the thread police could have a bit more sympathy towards a woman who has just had the rug pulled out from underneath her.

Totally agree.

The whole point of a board that is based on feminism is that you want to hear from , discuss with those who have a feminist outlook.

Added to which nobody makes anyone to go on all threads.

Just stick with the threads that interest you.

Sorry OP - I have no advice but think it is really positive that you have chosen to discuss this with other feminists.

FatCatPyjamas · 05/05/2026 19:41

HoppityBun · 05/05/2026 16:29

Surely this issue is not whether the OP has or has not an issue with bisexual men, but the fact that he is now married to her and might not be exclusively attracted to and faithful to her. That’s what she needs to think about not her attitude to bisexuality.

We can all be generous and liberal when it’s someone else else’s relationship. How many relationships is he going to have?

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Actually, I think the biggest issue is him hiding who he is throughout the whole marriage.

Bi people can do monogamy BTW. How many heterosexual people are exclusively attracted to their partner alone? I doubt you'd find many who haven’t found someone else hot at some point. Not acting on it is the important factor.

Imbrocator · 05/05/2026 19:45

ImmyNotNewHere · 05/05/2026 16:14

I currently have no evidence to suggest that there was any payments made, it appears to be casual hook ups. Not sure how Craigslist works though, and what likelihood of paid or not.

at this point the paid aspect is somewhat irrelevant, it’s finding out my partner is a closet homosexual

Can you unpick what it is that makes the idea of dating a man who has sex with men so unappealing? For instance, is it the anal sex? Would it be fine if that wasn’t part of it? Is it the sense you’d be looking over your shoulder in some respect if he was out hanging out with male friends?

Obviously this is completely down to the individual, but I’d be a lot more disgusted by the lying, paying for sex, for the horrible terms used, and for finding men attractive only when they’re dressed up as (or surgically altered to look like) women.