How would you handle your (adult) child coming out as trans?

[Thinkingtoomuchandnotsleeping]

Just that really. I am petrified of losing our incredibly close relationship but I cannot come to terms with the expectation that I am supposed to just affirm his choice.
He is very early in his "realisation".
How would you approach this?

DC doesn't particularly care what a randomer in the street says. They realise that they still have the secondary sexual characteristics of their birth sex and that people who don't know them are likely to sex them accordingly and that this is not ill intentioned.

Anyone who knows DC, and makes a deliberate choice not to attempt to respect the way they want to be referred to, (as opposed to stumbling, making mistakes, or slipping up, which is fine, or going gender neutral, which is fine) we would just not be continuing a relationship with. It wouldn't work for either party.

Fortunately we haven't faced this. DC being autistic only has a small circle and family love DC, know of their struggles over the years, and can see how happier they are, so don't make an issue of it.

Mmm. That does sound a bit manipulative to me, I’m afraid. “We’re not going to speak to you again if you refuse to misuse language.”
That’s not a two-way street of respect, is it? (Which I know is the norm with trans.) That’s demanding respect without according it to the other party. Respect for a lie, a delusion. Of course that’s your choice. But that is what it is.

Pronouns don’t belong to any individual to redefine as they choose. They are words, part of our collective language which belongs to everyone, and they have a clear meaning that pertains to sex.

I really would like to see this false concept of “preferred pronouns” kicked into touch.

I'd be supportive to my child. I consider it a failure of the parent if they are unable to support their queer child. If that was me, and my child had to cut ties with me to be their authentic self, I'd be so ashamed of myself.

I'd just love them for who they are. My silly opinions on these matters are irrelevant to our relationship.

"That does sound a bit manipulative to me, I’m afraid. “We’re not going to speak to you again if you refuse to misuse language.” "

Hmm; the phrasing of this you have chosen is not unpartisan, is it?

You are of course entitled to your opinion. But why on earth would we want to continue a relationship with someone who clearly has a different worldview and fundamentally disagrees with the way my DC feels they need to be? It would just be upsetting to both parties. And it wouldn't be as confrontational as "we aren't going to speak to you unless you ...". We would just stop exposing DC to that person.

I don't understand what you think we should do in this circumstance that would be more productive. Do you really think that Aunt Jemima saying "I don't care if you want to be called Jane now, your name is John and you are a boy and I will refer to you as he" will make Jane say "Gosh, you are right, I have been a damn fool"? Or that Jane saying "use my new name and pronouns please" will change Aunt Jemima's mind? There's no point in prolonging the agony.

Like many early-adult autistic DC who declare a trans identity, my DC is vulnerable and has agonised over their identity for years. I don't know if this is them for the rest of their life, but I do know it's their dearly held belief and they have a right to that belief, just as a gender critical person has the right not to go along with it. We know those views and accept they exist. I used to hold them too. But turns out my DC means more to me than holding on to those views.

So your DC doesn't try to pretend they have changed sex, yet others have to use wrong sex words or be cut off?
Sheesh, why does everyone else have to play along, your DC can present however, if they believe they have an inner gender, fine, but we use words relating to sex, surely you and they know this?

It seems like youd want to continue a relationship with the trans person just to berate them and disrespect their identity. It seems a quite cruel approach. If you don't respect that they are the gender they are and you know it is central to their being, why would you want to keep interacting with them? Is it just to upset them and keep going over and over your perspective on the matter?

I cant think of one good reason youd want them to keep you in their life.

Right. So if my DC attempted to 'pretend' they are actually the other sex, they are "a man in a dress" who is forcing people to deny the evidence in front of their eyes.

But if my DC accepts that they don't necessarily pass, and is ok with strangers using the pronouns of their birth sex as they are not to know, this is also wrong?

And no, we aren't forcing anyone to 'play along' We just wouldn't give time or energy to people who purport to be friends or family but are deliberately refusing to even try. Because there's no point. Just like there's no point in trying to tell some people on this board that most trans people just want to live quietly in a way that makes sense for them and aren't stealing women's opportunities or walking around women's changing rooms with their genitals on display.

Look, if you were a passionate vegan and there was a family member who every time you saw them made it clear that they fundamentally disagree with your veganism, think it's ridiculous and stupid, would never be vegan themself and think restaurants should stop catering to these faddy diets, you would probably steer clear of that person. Because you have different world views. And that's ok.

You mean "as the sex they were born and will die?" Or do you mean that your "young person" (the word is son for males and daughter for females) has no interest in themselves?

Are you concerned that your child is using mixed sex toilets / changing which are proven more dangerous than single sex spaces?

Are all your children male? Do you only have sons?

I literally don't understand what you mean.

Yes, my DC would only want a relationship with someone who knows their full story and is ok with that. Obviously that would include knowing their birth sex, whatever genital combination they have, whatever fertility, and the way they present.

Forget this comment.

Depends on his attitude to biological sex and single sex spaces. I’ve heard a few trans people talk about how they can never change sex and respect the need for single sex spaces. In which case I’d be more inclined to say crack on, wear what you want, as I would to anyone else really.

Who they are is a person of their birth sex, drawn into a dangerous anti-reality cult. Support is all about getting them out of the cult and back into reality.

Why do you need to interact with people you don't respect and can't address as they'd want to? I don't get why you're upset that a trans person who you think is deluded and probably mentally ill won't speak to you.

This happened in our family and it tore it apart. The parents really struggled with the expectation that they just had to go along with having a daughter instead of a son. He was mid 20s and left home because he didn't feel 'safe' with his parents. These parents were totally loving and respectful and just couldn't understand what was happening. In all those years he had never once shown any sign that he didn't want to be a boy. He changed when he went to university.

He moved into a house share with his queer friends but was sadly sexually assaulted by one of them. He said he was raped and he blamed his mum for this and stopped contact with the family. A couple of years later he got in touch and said that he'd grown up and realised his behaviour was unfair and that his mum wasn't responsible for him being sexually assaulted.

The saddest thing is that the community who encouraged him to leave his family because they weren't 'safe' was the community that actually hurt him.

Nah. That's not how I view trans people and certainly would never think of my child that way. I love and trust them too much to think such sinister things about them, or people like them.

You are asking FWS. That means you don't want to "affirm" and are looking for support not to.

Don't be an idiot. You don't have to agree to accept it's their choice and make an effort to accommodate. They are an adult.

Remember they have the actual human right to change gender in the UK - as shown in Goodwin.

Just to be clear because someone will come back and say "wHaT iF ThEy 8 A Bby?". I would never think of my child that way simply for being trans.

So whatever group of people they were involved with that must be OK because you love and trust your kid? That is NUTS

I’d imagine this was sensible

https://amzn.eu/d/gGhOw6f

So you want to just harass them with your views? Like at work, on the bus, over Xmas dinner? You want to talk about their gender identity and deny it?

Why would they be involved in this cult you speak of just because they are trans? You dont even make any sense. Look, if youd abandoned your child because they are trans, that's up to you. I certainly wouldnt because I love my children