How would you handle your (adult) child coming out as trans?

[Thinkingtoomuchandnotsleeping]

Just that really. I am petrified of losing our incredibly close relationship but I cannot come to terms with the expectation that I am supposed to just affirm his choice.
He is very early in his "realisation".
How would you approach this?

Im not going to lie, I'd struggle.

I would do almost anything for my children including telling them the truth even if they didn’t like it.

I would not be pretending they are another sex.

I don’t have kids myself but I recommend talking to https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/ .

I wouldn't. I'm afraid I'd have to tell them that I love them but I dont agree with and wont participate in their delusions and let the cards fall where they fall, but my kids know I'm a card carrying atheist and considering gender ideology as a death cult

I would also really struggle. I think you have to continue to offer support and 'go along with it' for the most part. Do you think your child would be open to hearing concerns you have for their long term health in respect of cross sex hormones and any surgical interventions?

I think it could be in my future too. I currently have a gay DD with many trans friends. She seens have accepted her sexuality, thankfully. I'm not sure yet about my 12yo DS. I have a nephew that is recently a niece. It is very hard. All children above have diagnoses of Autism.

I’d use a preferred name. I’d probably adapt my speech to avoid pronouns where possible. And id try to ask gentle questions and listen to understand why DC thinks this is a good option. I’d try not to attack the choice but also not affirm either.

I'd look at what outside forces were exerting an impact on him.

I'd gently dig around to find out the underlying problems and why he thought his choice was the answer to those problems.

This

Recommend some of the podcasts from Stella and Sasha (Gender a Wider Lens) - lots are “how did we get here” type conversations, but there are definitely some which are very useful for parents.

We had this in our family. Yes it was hard for the parents and it’s all very well saying you’d stand firm, but ultimately you do what you need to maintain a relationship with your children. There is enough rhetoric encouraging trans folks to disengage with any unsupportive family that I would think long and hard about being openly critical if it was me (just my personal opinion). I would want to be able to keep a close eye as would assume even being in that position might mean they have a vulnerability I wasn’t aware of previously.

Well, I am already highly critical and vocally so within our family, so that would be a known thing, and I couldn’t just row back on that.
I think it’s important for parents to be true to themselves. I would not lie. I couldn’t live with myself if I did.

It would be incredibly hard, though.

That’s exactly what we did, although we still stumble over the new name. We feel we are walking a tightrope, but we’ve not fallen into the pit of being cut off

You can't really answer this question until and unless it happens to you.

You don't have to agree with what your adult child does, or even particularly understand it. They still have a right to do as they see fit.

I found out that supporting my vulnerable autistic adult young person and maintaining our relationship turned out to be more important than anything else.

Also, I don't 'pretend they are another sex.' I acknowledge that they are happier and feel more authentic when people use the name and pronouns they feel make sense to them. Neither of us believes their sex is other than what it is.

I would respect their choice and do what I could to help them feel happy, as that's the ultimate goal for me, but at the same time I hope they continue to be happy as the gender they were born and it doesn't come up, as I think it's much simpler all round that way!

I think advice around how to respond if someone you love joins a cult is relevant, useful and transferrable to this situation.

"The use of “thought-terminating clichés”, stock phrases which shut down critical thinking, are often used by groups which aim to align people’s thinking with a dogma."

research.open.ac.uk/news/how-get-someone-out-cult-and-what-happens-afterwards

It is impossible to say without knowing the precise circumstances (every last detail - their past and issues, where they live (close, at home, far away), are they depressed, do they have many friends, do they have normal friends etc etc.

But ultimately I think I would restate my honetly held opinions. Sex is binary and gender ideology is inherently misogynistic, homophobic and anti-safeguarding. We live in a sex based world and men have every right to adhere to women's sex based stereotypes, but zero right to call themselves a woman or (much much worse) destroy women's spaces and rights by entering / using / stealing them.

I'd also ask lots of questions. "How do you know you feel like a woman? Do you think straight men are transphobic for not sucking cock? etc etc"

This

"Do you think straight men are transphobic for not sucking cock?"

You would ask your adult child this?
Christ alive.

Fwiw my young person has no interest in a relationship with anyone who doesn't know and accept them as they are, fully and freely. Like most people.

My sons know my thoughts on sex and gender. I doubt they would expect me to suddenly switch position if a trans identity were a delusion they had. They would know I love them; they would also know I thought they were in the grip of mental illness.

So you wouldn't accept/support opposite sex spaces/sports/opportunities or changing sex on birth certificate, passport/medical records etc, because we all know ther refer to sex, not gender.

I think this sounds like a very practical and pragmatic approach. I'd like to think I would do the same.

I'd would however find it very challenging if I had trans identified son who started accessing female spaces and services. I'm honestly not sure how I would respond at that point.

"So you wouldn't accept/support opposite sex spaces/sports/opportunities"
Nope. DC avoided swimming for 2 years and now goes to a trans and gender divergent swim session. No intention of joining any single sex groupings or spaces. Changes or uses toilets in all gender/unisex spaces only.

"Changing sex on birth certificate, passport/medical records" - medical records we have kept same sex marker but changed name and preferred pronouns. Haven't changed passport or birth certificate at this point but that's up to DC. They are an adult.

This. Hold the line.

I don't think there is a right answer.
It's worth remembering that children and young people are relentlessly targeted by transactivists.
That parental / family alienation is baked into this ideology.
That critical thinking, questioning and challenge is framed as bigotry and transphobia.

The above makes everyone frightened - and fear is never constructive in relationships (see coercive control).

Until the bullying, intimidation and fear ceases and families are allowed to love, support, discuss and challenge in a safe and emotionally healthy way, young people will continue to get caught up and harmed by a movement that fails to hold their long term best interests and wellbeing at heart.

For me the misuse and abuse of language around trans is incredibly important. Personally, and I’m certainly not going to tell you what to do within your family, it’s not a benign or minor thing to use wrong sex words. I really do hope that your DC knows that no one else owes them this misuse of language.