How would you handle your (adult) child coming out as trans?

[Thinkingtoomuchandnotsleeping]

Just that really. I am petrified of losing our incredibly close relationship but I cannot come to terms with the expectation that I am supposed to just affirm his choice.
He is very early in his "realisation".
How would you approach this?

No,
a) because they are an adult
and b) such toilets are generally single units and
C) they are only getting changed for trans swimming so everyone attending is trans, and the kind of trans person who wants to attend a specific trans group, so unlikely to be radical
d) I let my natal female and still female young adult use unisex changing rooms too, shoot me. This is what is available at several of our local pools.

I would do my absolute best to dissuade him. The thought of my DS chopping bits off and having irreversible treatment would be too much for me to bear. I don't think any trans person has any idea what they are getting into either physically or emotionally.
Its this centuries fad.

Do you only have one son?

Isn’t age a relevant factor here? An 18 year old child vs a 40 year old child declaring a trans identity probably warrant quite different handling.

Admitting that one would refuse to hire someone trans is likely gross misconduct. It is embarrassing that the site allows people who openly admit they are illegally prejudice to frequent here at all.

I would love them and respect their decision. Otherwise they have every right to cut ties with you.

Be careful - their trans 'friends' will be telling them to cut you off.
You will be made to be the problem and they will be the solution.

Tl;Dr: From personal experiences, hold the line. Don't affirm.

Dsis and DBIL kept DN from a non-binary identity because they refused the new name, refused therapy and told her as long as she was living w/ them there'd be no new religious practices in their home. They were loving, but very, very firm. DN was a hot mess for a long time, including hiding under the table at dinnertime and barely talking. At 17/18 she started chilling out, they fixed some health issues (anemia and other deficiencies, and surgery for a chronic ear problem) and now DN is much, much better, no longer thinks she's a non-binary/trans or other gender thing, and told her parents she thinks she's a lesbian (such a relief and not surprising).

A friend was told to affirm DS at age 18 which she did, and now at 25 he dominates her, unable to keep a job, lives entirely off their income and turned from a sweet healthy boy into an angry, rude, obese man who thinks the world is out to get him. I recently told this dear friend how my Dsis and BIL helped DN and she gasped in shock that DN hasn't killed herself. I despise the professionals who lied to these parents.

About 5-6 years ago, DD (young teen at the time) tried to educate her old DM and DF about the trans issue. We died laughing because it was so absurd. It was a sore spot for about 3 years, including one time when DD cried because she was so worried I'd lose my job and we'd be homeless for my terfy views (she wasn't half wrong). But we didn't budge. Around 16, she rolled her eyes at a friend's 'elf/elfin/fae' pronouns. Somewhere around 18, DD acknowledged a soft light of reason in the distance. One day, she told us we were right, trans is nonsense, gender and non-binary are ridiculous luxury beliefs.

Later, she said she's so glad we laughed at it because she was used to us taking her seriously and having civil, respectful debates when disagreeing, so our reaction at this issue was so out of the norm, she couldn't fathom why...until she grew up. She'd taken a survey that said she was trans but was scared to tell us cause she knew we'd laugh at her. Today, she's a adult, and active feminist.

DD2, when discussed in school if parents would be accepting of a gender identity told a few friends with pride, "my parents would laugh at me. they don't take this seriously." And we live in a very progressive US town and I have progressive cred.

However, let me be clear: DDs don't have SEN or any mental health issues where a 'laugh my ass off' approach may not work. e.g. DN responded to firm, loving, undebatable boundaries. Regardless, hold the line. However that looks inside your family, hold it firm. It's the most loving thing you can do when the world outside is mad.

This is very difficult. It is difficult.
My DC has agreed to do nothing irreversible until they see an expert.
There is a grieving. This is not bouncing off happily into the sun with your shiny new son or daughter. Most trans people are vulnerable anyway, most are autistic, and you know they are in many ways taking a difficult life and making it still harder.

Virtually every parent finds it very difficult. But you have to understand, when an adult comes out, this isn't something they just decided last week. This is something they have probably thought about for years. They are told they risk rejection and being shunned by their family and they reach the point where they have to take that risk anyway. My DC told me it was 8 years they had been struggling.

I would be lying if I said that if DC woke up tomorrow and said this was all a mistake I wouldn't be overjoyed. But having a 23 or 24 year old who comes out is very different as a parent from having a 12 year old come out. There is nothing one can actually do. You choose to accept or you choose not to. I want my kid in my life and actually, I see how much happier they are, being accepted by people who matter to them the way they feel they need to be.

What parietal said.

My son is 21 and the choices he makes as an adult aren’t mine to try to prevent. I will use the name he asks me to, and if I must, the pronouns he asks me to (I think I would probably end up avoiding pronouns as much as possible but I can’t actually imagine shouting ‘HE’ down the phone if he has asked me to use she/her).

Havibg watched other parents go through this, I agree 100% that people identifying as trans are usually quite vulnerable, not because they are trans but for other reasons for which ‘being trans’ is a form of coping strategy which at best gives them agency and solidarity. Therefore maintaining a respectful relationship with my child would trump practically everything else because it would be likely to result in the best outcomes for everyone. That doesn’t mean I suddenly start wearing a ‘Protect the Dollz!!!’ T-shirt but it does mean I don’t impose my views on him unless he asks VERY directly, and even then I am more likely to deflect.

He is part of a power sport and if he were going to attempt to join the women’s squad I might say something, but a) that issue has largely been sorted now and b) the vast majority of trans people in this country actually stick to sex-neutral or sex-based provision. So I would look and wait before jumping in with both feet.

You are talking about teens. Respectfully, this approach with an adult is much less likely to be effective.

Shoot, I misread the age. You're right.

I’d use a preferred name and aim to remember in the pronoun - other than that I’m not sure what you need to accept - they are adults and these are their choices.

Its very easy to say when you aren't going through it yourself, but I'd explain the biological side of things and say to them that I will never see them as a different gender because I grew them in my body and have looked after them since they were born. I'd call them the name they want for themselves if they insisted but I wouldn't refer to them as a son if they were a daughter or vice versa.
Id also say that it's possibly something they won't want to carry on with all their life and the further they get into it the harder it'll.be for them to get out of it.

@Thinkingtoomuchandnotsleeping I would try and unpick the thinking and the assumptions behind it.

What do they want to fix?
Why?
Why do they think this option will fix it?
What other options are there?
Have they seriously considered these too?
What are the downsides of this option?

Just sex will do, no need for the word birth since sex never changes.

I would struggle in some ways. I would be a bit sad about the loss of a name I chose. I would worry about medical procedures and hormones.

As for the day to day, I have found it’s really a non-issue with the trans people in my life and I suspect that would be the case with my own child. I don’t personally believe they have changed sex, but for most of them, being trans is only a very small part of their life. If they have a healthy attitude about the transition, it is the least interesting thing about them.

There are a fair number of trans people in my life because my dd is part of the lgbt+ community and a particular age group. While she is active in advocacy and volunteering, she also tends to shy away from people who make being lgbt+ their entire identity. I don’t see her transitioning, but if she did, I suspect she would have a good perspective about it.

So you'd cut a loving family member off if they wont go along with a lie and you don't see how thats abusive and part and parcel of the abusive trans play book?
Why dose John's erroneous opinion about himself get to dictate everyone else's reality?
John can dress how he likes but he can't expect anyone to pretend hes anything but the young man he is.
Affirmation of gender identity is the most destructive thing that anyone can do to someone else and I dont understand how someone who loves a child would do something so harmful to them

I would embrace their choice and support them. I would help them assess the risks of any procedures so they can make an informed decision.

How are they loving if they deny you or your child's identity and want to keep challenging it? Nobody would cut off someone they consider loving, you're right, but this person isnt loving.

Abandon no we'd support them in getting the therapy they need to deal with whatever is behind the claim of a trans identity

With a lot of whys and please help me understand. The more they talk about their decision, which will be based on false beliefs and stereotypes, may help reverse their realisation.

Have you other children because I would also think about how it effects them.
I’ve seen 2 families where the trans child has become the centre of everything, these are families where the mothers are fully on board with it. One has made it her whole identity, it must affect the other children.
A classmate of DD has a brother who has recently come out as trans. The parents are very wary of upsetting him and are paying along. He has basically taken on a version of his sisters name. I think the whole thing is disturbing and I worry about this girl living in the middle of it. Mum has said many times that he had removed himself from the family and spent all his time on his own in his bedroom on the internet.