I’m Trans, Here’s My Story

[SnugPeach]

Hi I’m Trans, I know I’m essentially coming into what some would consider the wolf’s den by coming here to make a post. But I’m also a strong believer in trying to help people to understand and am happy to explain my story and experiences if it helps to enhance others understanding.

I kind want this thread to be AMA but also to give a bit of backstory. Now I know some of you are going to hear the next few thing. I say an immediately just tell I’m confused or misled, but yes I have Autism. I was diagnosed at a young age, but Autism is just one part of me. Had being Autistic affected my gender? Maybe who knows, I am me, Autism is not something separate thing that it’s me.

Anyway I’ll try not to waffle as I do tend too. I’m currently 28, have been DIYing for 1 and half years. Have everything updated and changed, Name, Passport etc. I also extensively researched everything I could on HRT over the years as the NHS system takes year and years to be seen.

During Childhood really I was I guess you could say less aware of ‘gender’ than my peers as I was for most things. I was heavily bullied at school by the boys for being ‘weird’, they’d call me ‘gay’ not that I understood what that meant but I doubt they did either, it was the early 2000s afterall. Where as on the other hand I was quite friendly with the girls, they didn’t bully me and treated me often with compassion and I’d enjoy spending time with them. Unfortunately even they would get bullied from time to time for associating with me. The boys often disdained at my lack of interest in football or other ‘boy’ things. Instead I loved working out technology how things worked, along with people. Despite being Autistic I have always been fairly sociable even if it’s been riddled with difficulties and learn curves and I still struggle with that today, but I love connecting with people and sharing feelings.

Skip forward to Secondary School and here is where a few things happen. I’m still very behind my peers in my understanding of allot of things. My feelings on my gender are neutral are based purely on fact of I am what I am because how can I not be. It did learn about Transgender people but it didn’t still click for me. I remained still extremely cautious of the boys but was more of a loner. I wanted more girl friends but the social dynamic had changed. I viewed most of the boys as idiots and bafoons. They would do the dumbest stuff like all this stupid competitive crap and honestly a majority of time I found myself sharing my female peers feelings towards them. It was around this time I found myself more aligned with Femininity and started to self describe as a feminine-guy. But still I would be considerate and respectful towards the girls who knew saw me as a boy even if not the same. Afterall who could blame them when I myself felt the same way. My Mum taught be about the day to day struggles women deal with and I very much took that to heart. Honestly the way some of the boys acted towards girls in my class outright appalled me. I became invested in Feminism and equal rights which also spanned I to my experience with Autism and my own femininity (which had been policed just in the opposite direction, aka made fun of/discouraged). In the later years of Sixth Form I became friendly finally with people again after some therapy which also arose from me being on my own (was supported by a ta for most of my schooling, we had an autism centre in the school I went too) I grew very close to the girls in the group we would natter and gossip about all sorts. I kinda felt honoured that they considered me trustworthy enough to include in conversations they didn’t include the two other guys in. Also around this time people started asking me if I was Gay I was mostly confused, because I wasn’t Gay, Asexual yes technically (but did not have word for that yet), But not gay. I liked Women but romantically only.

Fast forward it’s university and I became a sort of shut in again. I commented to Uni and after my first year I hated the course. But my Mum refused to let me take a break or quit as by the time I’d had enough I was ‘halfway’ so her logic was to push through. Not that my degree has done anything for me. Anyway this is where feelings first started. Now in my early 20s I was finally catching up to my peers not that I’ve ever full caught up. I was fully realised as a feminine guy, however that never felt right. I also still felt outcast for this. That’s when I finally started to explore gender. Upon turning 18 I hate being called a Man and tried desperately to get people to call me a Guy as it felt less Man more neutral. So I after university came out as non-binary, I started to pass my nails get my hair dyed, But it still didn’t feel right. My Mum supported me until I bought a Jumper from the women's section. I cared deeply about my mum and her backlash was enough to push me back in the closet back to bring a feminine guy, but now my mum instead of being sensitive around my gender, it felt like she empathised my manners, which honestly disgusted me. I near had a referral for the gender clinic back here but due to this I basically let it go. One of things that made me so happy was just how unmanly I was including the fact I didn’t start growing any sort of facial hair until I was in my mid 20s and I grew and kept my hair long and it made me so so happy. Anyway back I went for a few years.

Then after finding out about Femboys it all came back, maybe this is what I am. But I quickly came to the conclusion again this was not right. I realised deep down I wished I where born a girl. I had thought that my childhood would have been easier if I was, the my behaviours would have been more acceptable. Which bought me great internal conflict. Afterall I’m a feminist. I adore the women in my life and my immediate reaction was one of disgust and hate for myself. How could I feel this way when I knew full well I struggle women have to deal with, the stereotypes my femininity fell into, the fact I could be a man and be all these things. I had a privilege one that I understood yet never felt, because I completely hated everything about being a man. So many parts of myself were restrained or restricted and I felt completely uncomfortable with myself. It turned out I was asexual for example because I couldn’t see myself as a man in situation like that ever. Still I spent the next 2 years fighting over all this with myself internally. I’d let my mum know and our relationship soured even more so because it. Over the course of the 2 years I fought with myself daily over my feelings, one side of me telling me what I was feeling was an offence to the women (cis and trans) I cared about. The other side in full acceptance that I did feel this way. I’d give away anything ANYTHING to have been born in a body that matched my mind. Again I don’t want to be a Male, full stop. I always have felt more female than male and why that’s something that’s not easily explained it’s just how I genuinely feel. All the acknowledgment and beliefs about you don’t have to be a girl to be feminine don’t seem to matter the logic doesn’t apply to that feeling.

Eventually with the support of some friends I finally go back to get a referral. Meanwhile completely separate thing but my Mums health was getting worse. She had Breast Cancer on and off since I was young also. I 2023 she was finally made terminal after over 23 years since her first diagnose (probably 5ish years of remission between first first and follow ups). Her being made terminal was a big wake up call for me for many things include this situation. For a while the debate stopped in my head because it was filled with worry about her but once that eased off (she lived about a year longer than they predicted) it all came back and hit me really hard. I was training 27 at the end of year. I was miserable my body disgusted me and I didn’t want to waste anymore time wondering if HRT would help and if it would allow me to finally put to bed some of my feelings. So I started to DIY just before my 27th birthday. I felt a tonne better within the two weeks and despite the fact it’s not like a magic bullet pill that took away all my dysphoria and stuff it’s helped to insane degree. My Mum obviously did not support me which was hard and broke my heart deeply since she was the women I have always looked up the most in my life. That all it’s own story really.

Right now I’m sort of back I a bad way. Sure due to my Autism amongst other things I still have allot of mental health issues. I’ve never worked, have allot of anxiety, issues with depression but again I had these before transition and arguably they where better and being more manageable after until the Court Ruling early this year. Since that ruling I have been referred and put back into Therapy again because of the effect it’s had on me amongst other stuff going on. I’m honestly terrified of what it all means. All I want is to live my life in peace as myself. I know you’re all going to have different views on what that should look like but all I ask is to have some empathy. I’m literally scared, I just want to be like any other woman and get on with my life. Instead it feels like the whole world is crumbling around me and people view me as undesirable, undeserving and less of a person. Tell me who would sign on to feel like this?

it’s just so hard for me. I’m not even sure if what I’ve said is any good but I’ve just tried to describe best I can my experience and how I feel. I wish you all a pleasant day and please feel free to ask anything. Also apologises for any bad grammar/spelling mistakes, Dyslexic too.

That still doesn't give you the right to use women's toilets though. The terror you feel when entering the male toilet is not more important than the terror women feel when a male, like you, enters women's toilets.

There is a cartoon of a man arriving in a doorway to explain his views to a room. As the OP is doing here. But my phone doesn't seem to want to let me upload it.

Wolves are dogs and female of any canine species are bitches.

I know what you mean, but isn't that body dysphoria?

I feel incredibly uncomfortable distraught terrified when men come into women's toilets no matter how they are dressed

why does your terror & uncomfortableness trump mine,'?

Well, you've certainly started a conversation! 🙂

@SnugPeach
if you are pre op consider the benefits of keeping a functional body, you might feel it’s not good enough for you, but at least it functions at present and you have no medical issues. I have the same opinion about elective plastic surgery too.
sometimes it just opens up a whole new can of worms.

No it's not. Gender dysphoria is by def an inconsistency between someone's gender identity (a personal sense of someone's own gender) and their biological sex.

There's no inconsistency in wishing a bit of your body is different or disliking elements of your body (whilst liking other parts).

Do you not care that your presence in single sex spaces, no matter your behaviour, harms women and girls?
Do you not care that they don’t consent to you being there?
What kind of human being does that make you?

All these trans identified men who assure us that they’re always being “directed to the ladies’”. I’m unambiguously female and I can’t remember the last time I was “directed to the ladies’”. As a fully functioning adult I almost always manage to find the loos for myself when I need them, and should I need to ask directions (as I did five minutes ago, at an unfamiliar railway station) I simply ask for the toilets and am directed a certain way. The ladies’ and gents’ are usually very close to one another so it’s not necessary to specify which one I’m after. I can’t imagine how the conversation would go where I asked where the toilets were and got directed to the ladies’, as opposed to the loos in general.

But that's not going to work. The majority will still perceive you as a man, a man that is pretending to be a woman.

I don’t know and I have no clue. I have been aimless around work since I left university. My Mum tried to get me help to get into work but despite their best efforts and two interviews I never got any jobs. I then cared for my Mum through Covid and the later years of her life.

Yes my depression and anxiety does greatly affect my ability to work but so does also Autistic burnout. Most going out some days can be extremely stressful and tiring for me. Right now I limit my time outside mostly to getting food shopping and attending my therapy appointments. I have Chronic Heat Sensitivity too from years of anti depressants (no long on them) and thus struggle to maintain my temperature. Just moving from outdoor to indoor can cause me to come about in a hot flush due to the change in environment, temperature, lack of wind etc.

I know it sounds like I’m giving a million reasons why I can’t work but these are just the facts of what I’m dealing with. I have a degree but despite it being in Computers the course burn me out so hard I didn’t want to work in the industry at all.

Could you work from home?

A bit like women feel when you use the women’s. The difference being you have no right to use the women’s and the fact you think you can ignore women’s boundaries makes your actions even more threatening to any women there.

Then may I suggest you do what the female transgender people who visit Mumsnet tell us they do.

Female people who are transgender and take testosterone know that they might cause other female people distress (this is significant because they understand this and don't just barge in like an entitled male person, even if their lovely friends tell them they can). So those people network together and help each other to plan where they can use alternative solutions than using single sex spaces.

There are options available to you. There always was. It was your personal choice to use female single sex spaces the way you have. It was never acceptable yet you did it.

Now you feel you have the entitlement to ignore the law. Again, this is your choice based on your sense of entitlement that you never should have felt you had. You had to have understood that you did not have the consent of all the women who would have also needed to use that space. Just because your friends told you they consented, you should be adult enough to understand that consent matters.

Your hot flush might be the HRT.

Do you care that this is how you make some women feel when you go in the women’s toilets?

Get a remote job. There are quite a few out there. You’ll feel better. You didn’t just live your life indoors gazing into your own head. It’s no wonder you’ve got main character syndrome if you are literally the only person you deal with.

Did it not occur to you to come here to ask questions about being female, to get your own insights? Why do you think you can help us rather than the other way round? (Clue: it’s because you’re male).

Why? What do you think will happen to you?
And why do you think that's woman's problem?

Again, I am sorry that you feel this way. It is not however female people's role in life to provide you with comfort.

Is the right course of action for a parent to pretend that physical reality has no importance, and to encourage their son or daughter in their wish to change their body in an attempt match their feelings? My view as a parent is that is far far better for my child to accept physical reality.

In the end, as we age, we all have to do that, as we find ourselves no longer able to do the things we loved doing when we were younger. True self acceptance doesn't ignore the strengths and limitations of our bodies, and trans identity thinking is really setting people up for a miserable old age if they carry that type of mindset through into late life. I'm in my sixties and already finding that I have to adjust my expectations to fit my decreasing capabilities. My DW is in a similar position - her arthritis and her cataracts both impact her choices, and the possibility of knee replacement and cataract operations in the future do not permit her to act now as if she's back in her thirties. Acceptance of ageing is far healthier than railing against it.

Likewise with our sexed bodies, which we cannot convert into the other sex however much we dose ourselves up with hormones or undergo (brutal) cosmetic surgery. The best thing we can do for trans identifying people is to encourage them to accept the reality of their bodies without constraining their 'gender expression' beyond basic decency.

If you disagree with that posters statement then expect a future where you will spend a lot of time being pissed off that you can't get people to bend to your will and affirm your womanhood.

I don't care. Keep out women's spaces.

It’s not I had these before HRT.