Trans sibling in law

[Primrose86]

DH's sibling has just come out as a man. She is 26 and autistic, lives at home with mum, spends life on the Internet, got kicked out of school at 16 etc etc She has plans to go overseas and transition in germany where apparently you can get surgeries on the public health system while living with her grandpa. Her mum is fully supportive of this.

How should I react to all this. Should I start referring to him as my brother in law? What usually happens after people come out. I assume they progress to hormones and surgery but honestly based on what I read, Germany is quite resistant to health tourists who never paid in even if they are citizens. Are people really happy identifying as another gender when they wouldn't look like the other gender?

Yes, HE is now your brother in law. But nobody else in MN will agree with me.

Of course they wont. That will be because SHE is still the OPs sister in law.

You don't have to react.

Oh don’t talk rubbish

of course there are others on MN that will agree with you….

If you want genuine help, ask on a place that will actually want to help you maintain a relationship with them, like reddit's asktransgender here people will just help you to completely ruin your relationship in promotion of their hatred.

And the reality is that you have to decide, do you want to keep your hate against trans people, or are you willing to genuinely accept your new brother in law and learn. Trans people can spot performative support from miles away, faking it won't work. But if you genuinely are willing to show effort to accept them as they are, they will help you and guide you through it.

If not, well, enjoy being excluded from their life very quickly.

I will give you a starting point on learning to accept checklis:

> Are people really happy identifying as another gender when they wouldn't look like the other gender?

Being transgender isn't a choice, it's a hand you are dealt and have to deal with, and the best treatment for it is coming out and acceptance, for many that also includes all sort of medical interventions but it's not necessary.

If you will keep thinking that it's a choice, or that they are not aware of the presentation issue, but persevere despite it as otherwise the life is just not worth living... Well, that's the performative support trans people just do not fall for, not for any length of time.

You can also DM me if you want to speak more openly in private.

Refuse to play along with it. Not pandering to delusions might be the best way to help her.

She has plans to go overseas and transition in germany where apparently you can get surgeries on the public health system while living with her grandpa.

That's not how the German health system works. She'd have to join a health insurance in some fashion. My entire family lives in Germany, that doesn't mean I could rock up there and receive medical treatment other than emergency ones.

Do you actually have to do anything?
I know this sounds selfish because it is really sad that young autistic girls are being pulled into this horror, and I know I would find it very hard to watch, but you don't have to refer to her by any particular pronoun - just use her name - and you dont have to say anything positive or talk about it at all.
Unless you think you are someone that is very important to her and to whom she might listen if you were to gently question...

Don’t be silly no one hates trans people.

Disagree with their world view but not hate.

Please do report any hate to MN.

I think OP you’ll have to go along with it (although I seriously doubt you can just rock up in Berlin and get anything you want on their health service - likely you’ll have to work there first and with Brexit that’s not more complicated).

Will you see them much ? I would just use their name - chosen name or birth name depending on their choice but keep my thoughts to yourself as it’s really not your place to say anything.

Trans people can spot performative support from miles away, faking it won't work.

You've got to truly, truly believe that she's changed sex!

You mean calling transgender people as "men in dresses" is not hate?

Wild take. But very fitting for this place. I guess if you redefine hate enough, you can live in it all the time and not even know it.

Human beings cannot change sex. There is no medical or surgical treatment that can turn a male into a female, or vice versa. All the doctors can do is give them replacement hormones (but as soon as they stop taking them, their own biological hormone system will take over again), and produce a poor imitation of the genitalia the trans people want - they can’t create a functional vagina or penis. They can’t change a person’s skeleton, musculature, endocrine system or chromosomes.

Anyone telling people that they can actually change sex is, in my view, being cruel and dishonest.

OP your post describes someone who sounds quite vulnerable. Does she have support, a network of friends, at all?

As you can see, you have options that range from performative rushing to signal how very right on and lovely you are by throwing yourself full blast into the illusion, or not wishing to participate. If it was a relationship I wanted to sustain for whatever reason and whoever is involved, then I'd be avoiding the whole topic as much as possible and as much as others would allow, for many reasons including being very uncomfortable about playing along, but not wishing to get into difficult conversations or be actively confronting. Not least, because the person may wish to choose a way back and have more trust in someone who sees them as a whole person with all the vulnerabilities and issues inevitably involved on this path, and who hasn't immediately launched into a lot of political self promotion using them as a tool.

If I had children, I'd be more concerned about explaining it to them and avoiding their participation in a forced belief or any kind of coercion from anyone. As you can see here, it is not necessarily the person themselves who will rush to aggressively coerce.

Well they are, are they not ? Male people wearing stereotypical female clothing and saying they are women ?

Pointing this out isn’t hateful.

In short, yes he is your brother-in-law.
Reach out to him and ask him what name he'd like to be called and confirm that he wants you to use he/him pronouns.

Coming out as trans can be difficult, in part because of the proliferation of anti-trans opinions, so knowing that you'll be supportive will important.

You don't have to like it, privately, but in being supportive you'll help him to feel at-ease around you.

No, that's crossdressing.

But I am not here to educate transphobia central, just offering help to OP who seems to genuinely want to help and learn. So... Bye, keep arguing against DSM, Human Rights, UK law and everything else.

Women and homosexual people have human rights too. Including the right to recognition as a biological sex. Reality isn't hate. Performativity and this kind of aggressive rudeness certainly isn't 'love' either. Or 'inclusivity'.

If she became a religious cult follower that worship sheep/crocodiles would you be expected to believe in her religious cult?

I think I'd say something like "I hope you'll be very happy in your new gender, but you'll always be Mary my SIL to me"

This is excellent advice.

If it were me, and I was concerned about this person, I'd be letting them know I was there for them and willing to listen. Perhaps trying to offer some help in the form of fresh air and a break from living in their own head.

I don't participate in delusions, because to me that would be dishonest and disrespectful, a bit like calling a priest 'father' when I'm not a Christian. But it's fairly easy to just avoid all the pronoun performance and stay quiet on the issues to avoid upset. You can listen and support and help out without having to affirm anything you don't feel comfortable with.

To my knowledge cross dressers aren’t actually saying (or believing) they are the opposite sex.

They just like wearing the clothes.

However this is not the point and not helpful to the OP so I’ll leave it there.

A transwoman is a crossdressing man.

Gosh how lovely to see so many new posters here. Assume the bat signal has gone out

Many trans identifying men identify as transgender/transvestite/crossdresser, using the terms interchangeably.

It's all one big umbrella, Stonewall definitions all.