Trans sibling in law

[Primrose86]

DH's sibling has just come out as a man. She is 26 and autistic, lives at home with mum, spends life on the Internet, got kicked out of school at 16 etc etc She has plans to go overseas and transition in germany where apparently you can get surgeries on the public health system while living with her grandpa. Her mum is fully supportive of this.

How should I react to all this. Should I start referring to him as my brother in law? What usually happens after people come out. I assume they progress to hormones and surgery but honestly based on what I read, Germany is quite resistant to health tourists who never paid in even if they are citizens. Are people really happy identifying as another gender when they wouldn't look like the other gender?

You need to split various points...

Despite some incorrect advice on this thread - it is biologically impossible for a person to change sex - so a man will always be a man, and a woman will always be a woman - a transwoman is a man and a transman is a woman etc. - that is fact / biology / law, and despite people posting inaccuracies at times will never change...

But the person concerned is still your sister-in-law and that we assume means that there is a certain closeness... and perhaps it is worth putting aside for the moment the reality that she will always be a woman, and try to understand why she has got to the point of believing that she needs to try and change / would be better off as a man - you might find it difficult to argue the biological reality if she is too sucked into the woo-juice fed by the pro-trans groups, but you may be able to reference the emotions / feelings / etc. and see whether you can help her at that level - not easy, but perhaps worth a try. Perhaps there are things that you could suggest that would help her address some of her concerns without having to travel all that journey - e.g. clothing / how she presents in terms of hair and person - could you help her explore a new identity in that area to avoid having to go down a route of body change / hormones / etc.

Ultimately, you have a choice - if someone presents to you as what they are not (i.e. pretending to be a man when born a woman) you need to decide whether that is a big enough issue for you to fall out over - for some people it is a small issue, for others a big one - for me I have a high level of pride in my integrity so would not wish to be put into a place where I was asked to join in a lie and pretend something that was not true - If it was serious enough to damage a relationship that might make me very sad, but I would still hold onto my integrity as that is a big part of my identity and it wouldn't be right to compromise my identity as part of supporting someone else's adopted identity. Ultimately that is a decision only you can make...

Women can't "come out" as men or vice versa OP. Well, not since they cancelled Stars in Their Eyes anyway. RIP Matthew Kelly (joking, I know he's not actually dead).

She could "come out" as a lesbian if so inclined though. HTH.

Buy a copy of Helen Joyce's book.

You can't just come here and get free medical care.

but possibly your sibling in law is going private? get them to check before they get a massive bill

People can't change sex, but it is kind to use their new name etc even if you don't use pronouns.

You need to have the conversation with him, to see how he wants to be addressed. That will save you walking through the mine field. Don't set yourself up to 'fail'.

This. I'd probably call them by the chosen name but I wouldn't really say anything, it's going to happen there isn't anything you can do.

Ahem. the correct term is the Batshit Signal

Honestly I would refer to them as your sibling in law and avoid using any pronouns - just use the name they want you to use

I’d hate to be in a position where I felt forced to go along with what I think is a delusion.

And these PP’s who are like, ‘’my mate’s a transwoman but she knows she’s a man and we laugh about it” like it’s some sort of intellectual gotcha really annoy me.

fortunately I’ve never been in this position with anyone I was close to. But I’d struggle to go along with a lot of delusions… like if someone thought that could manifest a million £ into their bank account, or if they could become 10 years younger, or grow two inches taller. If people said they identified as a rich/young/tall person, And we had to fully go along with it, they’d be laughed at.

And the irony of a PP saying that transpeople can spot ‘performative’ support a mile off…

When you’re an adult, you should wear what you what, love who you want. Change your name if you want to. But don’t ask me to validate your delusion. And don’t hurt children and vulnerable adults.

Of course SIL is now BIL. Just as Kermit is a toad. And I am Cleopatra.

😆 🤣

but seriously, if your DH sibling is very sure that they can come to Germany and walz into Gender Affirming Care or Surgery, or SRS, they should really check into it in detail.

AFAIK from DC friends, i think most surgeries are carried out in Munich? I am not sure, but i would also check that there aren't any MH assessments required prior to medical interventions etc. Not being able to speak German isn't usually a problem here because most healthcare can be done in English (and other languages)

It is difficult. On a personal level my default position is to be kind, but firm (i will never say that a person can change sex, but i will call them by their chosen new name. But i also think family members need to look out for each other and be sure that the chosen path really is what the family member wants.

Trans people can spot performative support from miles away, faking it won't work. But if you genuinely are willing to show effort to accept them as they are, they will help you and guide you through it.

If not, well, enjoy being excluded from their life very quickly. Said @AidaP

Is this what is currently being pushed on other forums?
We have a newly trans person in our family, who is discovering a new way in their 50s.
They are currently picking fights, digging up all sorts of obscure think pieces and clearly very immersed in a new life.
They are very angry that we are not going for detail. Just like the last 30 years, I don't want any info on their sex life and previously they have shown no interest in my lived life as a woman. They were previously a banter type bloke.
How can we convince our much loved relative that we are still there, just not up to speed with trans politics.

I'd say it goes further than that.

You've actually got to believe they are male, have always been male, and were erroneously and presumptuously assigned female at birth due to a narrow-minded misconception that only females can have vaginas.

Who's raging?

What's the difference? Pls explain. Thanks.

Ime hormones yes, binding, yes but surgery is a big,big thing and my relative is saving for top surgery but not considering genital surgery (outcomes are poor).

You can hold whatever views you like, but unless you want to detonate a bomb in the family, you would be best not to be openly challenging. It isn't even your side of the family,where openness may be more appropriate. You should use whatever pronouns you are asked to and go with the flow

It doesn’t surprise me in the least that this newly minted “woman” was “previously a banter type bloke”. The movement is misogynistic to its core.

And rather vocally, and repetitively!

What does your husband think about all this, @Primrose86 ? Has he embraced the rainbow or does he think it's all a bunch of arse?

As is evidenced right 'ere on this very thread!

Why so combatitive? Who wants to start a fued in their in laws family?

How are we arguing against UK law @AidaP? Per the Supreme Court decision this year, “trans women” are men under the Equality Act, which is the keystone piece of equality legislation in this country.

She isn’t as she can never be a brother. It’s a woman. God this is so wrong. A poor autistic young woman going to Germany to mutilate herself because bad people on the internet have convinced her that will make her a man. It won’t. She will just be a woman with no breasts.

This is terribly sad. Thanks, Aida, for giving us a view of how life looks to you. Surrounded by what you see as hate, the world must look hostile and dangerous. And this must fuel the ferocious rage and threats transactivists fling at women — the ‘Decapitate TERFs’ placards, the violence at feminist events, the constant death threats to women who speak up.

Aida, can you imagine how it would feel if you let go of your irrational fear? Feminists do not hate you and will not harm you. Imagine how free you could feel.

You mean calling transgender people as "men in dresses" is not hate?

It's not hate; it's sarcasm (and literally accurate). Hate is:

"If you see a terf, punch them in the fucking face!"