Trans sibling in law

[Primrose86]

DH's sibling has just come out as a man. She is 26 and autistic, lives at home with mum, spends life on the Internet, got kicked out of school at 16 etc etc She has plans to go overseas and transition in germany where apparently you can get surgeries on the public health system while living with her grandpa. Her mum is fully supportive of this.

How should I react to all this. Should I start referring to him as my brother in law? What usually happens after people come out. I assume they progress to hormones and surgery but honestly based on what I read, Germany is quite resistant to health tourists who never paid in even if they are citizens. Are people really happy identifying as another gender when they wouldn't look like the other gender?

It’s not possible to change sex. This person is a confused unwell woman with no social structure.

Right enough, few of the transwomen I've encountered have been wearing dresses so it's an inaccurate descriptor.

Would 'men in trousers' be more apposite?

I guess just “men” works for all presentations

'And the reality is that you have to decide, do you want to keep your hate against trans people, or are you willing to genuinely accept your new brother in law and learn. Trans people can spot performative support from miles away, faking it won't work. But if you genuinely are willing to show effort to accept them as they are, they will help you and guide you through it.

If not, well, enjoy being excluded from their life very quickly.'

Imagine if your relative changed religion and you got 'excluded from their life' because your support was only considered 'performative'. I'm pretty sure that would be called a cult.

My advice would be to be polite but stay out of the politics as much as possible.

OP hasn't stated how her husband feels about the situation, only her in-law's mother.

If OP's husband is NOT on board, that's even less reason for her to embrace the ideology. If he is, I'd be inclined towards the diplomatic approach - start channelling my inner Tom 'La la la la' Felton.

I am sure that a lot of the transphobes on here identity as wonderful human beings. Some people will disagree with this. Just because I insist that you are not wonderful ( due to your lack of understanding) does not change how you feel about yourself.

1984 or Clockwork Orange? I always forget!

The public health system in Germany is not known for speedy access to gender or psychiatric treatment. It will likely be an administrative battle (entirely in German) even just to access benefits/get health insurance paid in the absence of a job. If the grandfather lives anywhere other than a big city, it is even less likely to be a feasible plan. There's no automatic coverage of gender treatment under public insurance and a private insurer may well exclude it as a preexisting condition.

Is it different for those with "mental health issues" I.e Body Dismorphia or Autism

You're right. We won't agree because we understand the science and we know that human beings can't change sex. Do you also believe the world is flat and that dancing in circles will help the crops grow?

Pls explain? Really? You do not want an explanation. Just check the dictionary. Both will be there.

I haven't RTFT but my first piece of advice would be to support your DH. He is losing a piece of his identity with his sister's change and it is a type of grief no-one wants to talk about because the only politically and socially permitted response is celebration.

Imagine if a relative suddenly announced 'I identify as Black British. I've always known I was Black inside, but I was assigned white at birth and coercively brought up as white.' Surely nobody would go along with this? It would be so blindingly obvious that this is hugely offensive to people who really are Black British and have no choice about it, especially if the relative suddenly announced that they were even better at being Black than 'cis' Black people, and asked them to stop centring issues that the relative doesn't face.

Same would go if the relative announced 'I identify as a wheelchair user' or 'I identify as a nursery aged child'.

Why is it different when someone announces that they identify as the opposite to their birth sex, or as non-binary, i.e. they feel they can opt out of being one or other sex, or genderfluid, i.e. they can choose from day to day, minute to minute, whether they feel more male or female? Nobody can change sex, so what does this 'I identify as ..' actually mean? We're all either male or female and regardless of how we feel about that we have to live with it and we can never know what it feels like to belong to the opposite sex. Good mental health surely requires us to come to terms with reality, not coerce all those around us into pretending that we are something we aren't.

But if I'm stood in a queue, say at the bus stop and I see a man in a dress how do I know if he's a cross dresser or a transwoman?

Autism is not a mental health condition.

OP - support your husband, and refer to his sibling politely, whichever way round you choose to do it.

This is good advice I think. Assuming your DH isn't like mine, who would just say, "Well, if that's what she wants..." without any real comprehension of the issues.

@Primrose86 I would react to it as little as possible tbh. If she changes her name then use the new name. It's easy to avoid using gendered pronouns.

So what's the difference between a man that wears a dress and a man that wears a dress and "is a woman"?

Honestly. What's the difference?

You don't. Because they're all men in dresses.

She’s obviously still a woman. Most on
mumnet are compassionate towards these difficulties but definitely grounded in reality.

So you can't explain the difference then?

Yeah, but no one here needs your validation. We all know we’re wonderful without anyone pointing it out. Transpeople need other people to validate them by reinforcing their delusion that they have changed sex, or they wouldn’t require people to “use the correct pronouns”

Because we don’t believe in things that aren’t true. HTH.

Well yes I know that and you know that! But it seems some people think that only one of them is a man and the other is a woman and I really really REALLY want to know how they can differentiate