Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

[crochetedcat]

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

I'm sure someone knowledgable and helpful will come along soon but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you're going through this.

I would tell him he has the right to make his own choices and so do I. This month will be the last month of his allowance and phone bill if he wants to be out of communication. Wish him luck with his course and his life. I'd be willing to bet he will start to communicate.

I’d contact the university and ask them to support him.

I'm so sorry, you're doing all the right things. It's not your fault. I think you're going to have to speak to him re the uni support and set some ground rules. You're right, he's behaving like a child.

I'll send you a pm, we're going through something similar.

Have you tried to get to the root cause of why he feels you were embarrassed? (and were you, on some level in fact, embarrassed? - It's OK if you were but I think you do need to acknowledge that as a feeling in yourself).

I think it requires a very empathetic and sensitive conversation. He's obviously struggling and confused - try coming at it from that angle. I don't think he actually wants to cut all contact with you. He just wants to feel understood (which is tricky when he is going through some identity struggles and perhaps doesn't quite understand himself either).

It sounds like perhaps you brushed over it when he visited and tried not to really acknowledge it - an understandable approach, but to him it was probably quite a big deal and maybe he needed to feel actively supported.

I don't know - but it's probably worth a sensitive and loving conversation.

It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

FWIW I think it’s this, young people with autism can have delayed emotional maturity and your young adult with autism is doing incredibly well to handle university and the level of independence that brings this far. You are doing brilliantly as the parent to have got them this far.

I would keep on doing what you’re doing and also seek support from other parents of autistic students for yourself as well. Your son won’t be the only student in this position.

I agree with PP to suggest that you contact the university pastoral link person for your child and let them know you’re receiving both rapid announcements of gender change and of estrangement with family. These are big red flags of either the pressure of the university and independence being too much for your child, and/or indoctrination of a student happening whether in person or online. Either of these would indicate that additional IRL support is needed via the university.

The University counselling service also may or may not be of use to your child but would be good for them to try that out. Is he linking in to the many autism friendly groups and societies that there will be at the university? This could be something to suggest if the main social life input has been via the LGBTQ+ society. Wishing you all very well, I can imagine this must be so painful and worrying to go through.

No contact? No money. He can't have it both ways

I think I would ask him to meet so that you can work out the rules of the new arrangement. Say you have some questions about practical issues and want to know what he expects next.

Use an example of something he cares about- will he be coming to collect his ‘train set/baseball cards/whatever’. Does he want you to clear his room or will he do that himself?
That’s a bit drastic sounding but something smaller along those lines that he will want input on.

Basically get him to engage on the details- can his siblings be in touch, what about his grandparents, does he want updates on the dog etc.

Hopefully in engaging on the details, like how will you find yourself? He may reengage more generally

Most universities have a designated contact for students who are estranged from their families and their name is likely to be on their website. You could explain the situation to them and ask if they have any ideas.

Or perhaps ask your child if they would engage in family mediation? Not to put pressure on him to do anything specifically but just to help you understand his thoughts and feelings.

I expect by carrying on as normal you're "oppressing" "her" "authentic self" What you should be doing is giving tons more attention and telling "her" how stunning and brave "she" is etc etc. After all, "she" is now the most oppressed ever.

As you haven't done all that you are obviously bigots and deserve to be cut off. But oh, still pay out a fortune to "her" for uni and phone costs.

Someone is probably in his ear about it at uni. And being autistic (almost all the trans people I know are autistic. I'm autistic myself before anyone comes at me) means it's probably an obsession, and especially if he's never been a sporty macho type (like pretty much all the autistic boys/men I know.) he may feel he doesn't "feel" like proper man, so obviously must be a woman.

As he's an adult I have no idea if uni will talk to you, but I guess you could voice your concerns that he's gone no contact, and ask for a welfare check.

That's standard.

Family are always a reminder of the truth and no matter what you do it will never be good enough for that reason.

When my brother came out, he was given information from the then help groups that said it was common for trans people to reject their family just as much as the other way around.

Since then the literature has changed and understanding of this has been lost in the drive to force the matter of 'acceptance' and it's become taboo to speak of this.

That leaves families stigmatised and up shit creek in terms of support.

Family alienation being encouraged within the community is a factor in why many make comparisons with cults.

It's frustrating and there's little I can offer you in terms of advice and different to that.

Genuinely you don't have many options open to you as they have closed their minds and want to lock a part of themselves away. They don't want to address you, because that forces them to examine their own issues. And it's nothing you have done wrong.

I have close friends going through the same distancing process and they have been bending over backwards trying to accommodate him. I know how it will end but I can't say it outright.

To a degree it's an amplified version of what happens to every adult when they detach from their parents at that age, but it's just another thing dialled up to the next level. It's age appropriate behaviour which has got out of hand.

Be at peace with what you in you have done and how supportive you have been. I do think in the vast majority of these cases there's very little you could have done differently at the stage you are told.

I'm sorry.

I do also agree with above PP about the reaction he might have been hoping for (rainbox glitter flags and parades and 'stunning and brave'). Don't beat yourself up for not being able to provide that, your feelings matter too.

The money stops (both phone and everything else). He's made his position clear: hexwants you out of his life.

Ideally though you contact him to give him fair warning of this and make it abundantly clear that you still love him and are willing to carry on supporting him financially however he identifies, but that it's unreasonable to expect to receive money from someone you refuse to allow to communicate with you and so you will won't be supporting him further unless he changes his mind on the contact front. That will, hopefully, knock a bit of sense into him.

If he doesn't change his mind then any negative consequences for him are, very sadly, very much on him at this point.

Sorry you're going through this, OP - it must be horrible.

This movement is a cult. As with the Moonies or any other cult, becoming a member requires cutting off contact with all the people who love and support you, including your family.

I think it's a good idea to keep sending messages to show that you still love him and that you'll always be there for him if he wants you. However, I do think that cutting off contact while accepting financial support is beyond cheeky, so it's worth sending a message asking for clarification: "Now that you've decided to cut off all contact with us, I take it that you no longer want financial support? If I don't hear back from you, I'll assume that you don't want to continue receiving money from us, so I will stop the direct debit on 1 March, giving you a few weeks to make further arrangements." Something on those lines.

I am sorry you are going through this. My son is not trans, but is very low contact with us. He has over a number of years done some quite seriously bad stuff. He did however still expect/assume that we would keep financially supporting him through University which we did and come looking for a sizeable house deposit. I would give your son some time to think and consider what he wants and let him know you are all still here for him. I did not cut finance as I think this would have made the alienation absolutely permanent- but these days many young people see financial support as a parental obligation, not something that is done out of love.

Really sorry to hear this OP. Apparently this support group for parents of kids who declare they are trans or non binary is very helpful
www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/about_us/

They have possibly been told that if they are estranged from you then they can get more student finance.

This is not true, you have to be estranged before the start of the course.

They’re probably frustrated by the lack of drama their coming out has created. Yet if you say ‘Fair dos, sorry you feel like you no longer want anything to do with us - know that we’ll always love you and be here for you but we’ll not financially support you as you obviously want to go it alone…’ you just know that that will induce the wailing and gnashing and exactly the drama that all their new-found ‘friends’ will feed on. The narrative of the abandoned child needing a new ‘found’ family. Oh and the potential threats of you know what.

However you play this - you are now the enemy. But it might be a very long game. I think any help/advice you can get from someone else going through this should be taken. I think the human desire to react and cut them off financially for their rejection of you, is entirely understandable but premature at this stage. And perhaps, in the long-term, not the best course of action, however tempting.

I don’t know what else to say. But the very best of luck. Can you engineer a dog-crisis to get them home for a proper face-to-face chat?

What a horrible situation op I really feel for you. I wouldn't cut off money or mention money at all. The message you want to get across is that you love him, you want to stay in contact but you understand that he needs to do his own thing. Keep sharing news & dog pics to the group chat say you're sorry you came across as embarrassed and you were just trying to give him space. Whatever feels right for you to keep the door open. I hope he comes back to you soon. X

Unfortunately it's like being in a cult.
Yes as you suspect it's driven primarily by online interactions, his university friends will be giving him the "stunning and brave," affirmation, but the real brainwashing takes place on internet forums.

Young vulnerable people with ROGD are told their parents hate them, are against them, and are given examples like "if your mum refuses to use your preferred pronouns that is evidence that she's plotting to kill trans people" they use terms like "Boomer " meaning on their world an ignorant old person who is full of hate towards all trans people.

As an autistic young person it's easy to get drawn in because all of your feelings of being a misfit can be explained by having a trans identity that your parents "never noticed" so (brainwashing will go) they've been against you since you were a baby and hate you.

Sorry I've been on the sharp end of ROGD too. It wasn't my own child thankfully but a close relative. They literally believe anyone who is "straight" (not trans or LGB) is out to get them but that's so far from the truth.

Have you tried to get to the root cause of why he feels you were embarrassed? (and were you, on some level in fact, embarrassed? - It's OK if you were but I think you do need to acknowledge that as a feeling in yourself).

Wouldn’t you be embarrassed? I would be 🤷‍♀️

As OP has said, this feels like a classic script from the trans identified teen. Cutting off parents for being Suppressive People (as in Scientology) is par for the course.

Try this group
www.parentsofrogdkids.com/

OP my thought is that this is way too soon to link money with contact, and changing the financial support that you have given will play further into the hands of whoever is manipulating your child.

Your son is additionally vulnerable to that manipulation because of their autism.
I would be on to the university to emphasise this vulnerability as soon as possible given this has been three weeks of non responding now. I’m so sorry this is really difficult and so very hard on you as a parent.

Oh I am so sorry for your family and your son. That you are all going through this. With a lack of any evidence of actual dysphoria I would assume he has been taken in by the cult and as mentioned above is wanting either the celebratory rainbow reaction you didn’t give him or an at least my found family are accepting me, poor me reaction which is certainly what he is getting.
Ask him in a message, simply, „do you want no contact with us anymore?“ and tell him clearly you love him. Just those two sentences. If he answers that he is cutting you off then you will need to cut him off. Acknowledge him and just quietly do so. Then contact the uni pastoral team and also get yourself any support you can.
This is a cult and he won’t be ready to part with it just yet. You need to play the long game.