Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

[crochetedcat]

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

Has he declared his autism to the University? Even if he has then I’m still pretty sure there is nothing you can do and they will not discuss anything with you. Though you could inform the dept, staff are not allowed to even discuss grades with parents. It’s a very odd situation they are adults but they often still have some financial support.

I would try and pay the accommodation directly to the University, then you know it’s being used to house him. I wouldn’t block him but I would once arranged the change of fees send a msg informing them and also write that you remain open to contact and the decision to have no contact is entirely down to him. I would possibly stop paying for the phone.

What you need to remember is only children who feel really secure that their parents love them treat them like shit usually. You are obviously a liberal minded person hence why they are being so abusive.

I wouldnt cut funds tbh.
In l’art because on his side, it will feel like revenge and a confirmation that the OP doesn’t care about him/is embarrassed etc….
Telling him he has to do X or Y, might backfire too if he is autistic. See PDA.

The best you can do is to carry on asking him how he is doing, about Uni, his friends. Be extra careful about pronouns of course and tell him you’re looking forward to see him in April as usual.

Thank you all. My gut feeling is to just carry on as normal. I think stopping the money (which thankfully I can afford) would fuel the way he feels even though at the same time it feels like a ridiculous expectation to cut contact with your family but still expect the money to turn up. He's still very much a young person and I promised I would support him through university so I shall. Stopping it seems petty / unsupportive almost, even though it would be perfectly acceptable really. I want to be able to say I did all I could to continue to support him and not give him the idea that I'm stopping the money because he is trans.

If he genuinely believes he is a woman and that's biological, why would he need a fanfare about it. The logical reaction is to crack on and say 'thanks for telling us', we love you and not make a fuss. Of course I know this is at complete odds with the trans logic but I'm not going to be effusive about it.

Am I embarrassed? I'm not sure that't the right word. I find it very difficult that he's adopted a new voice and mannerisms that I feel are based on a stereotype of women that isn't real. Not one woman I know sounds like that or makes a flap because their hair might get a bit wet in the rain on a normal day. Nothing else has really changed so there's nothing to be embarrassed about apart from the fact he's chosen a name that is very unusual for a young person - think Susan or something you'd associate with perhaps people of a much older generation.

I can see where this is sadly heading but still need to have the hope that he'll see sense. He's an intelligent, kind and loving boy who cared deeply about family (or at least was 3 months ago). I know it sounds daft but I can't believe he'd abandon the dog?! I need to leave the door open for him, but wanted reassurance that I was handling it in the best possible way I guess.

I did ask uni to do a welfare check on him and they said they would but couldn't let me know the answer due to data security. They could only encourage him to contact me. It's a great idea to contact the welfare service thank you and explain just so they're aware.

It's incredibly hard. Ive actually started telling a few people rather than be ashamed of it (the cutting me off bit) and I find it very interesting that people who are fully 'be kind' and TWAW are actually quite horrified and shocked by his behaviour. Clearly they think that 'trans' happens to other kids, that are 'really' trans and not my DS who they've known. If it wasn't so awful it would be fascinating.

I presume when he started you/he were in contact with whatever the university's Disability Advisory Service is called? Did he get a study or life mentor through Student Finance DSA? And do you have the contact details of any of them? The uni disability team will have seen this enough to have some sort of protocol, even if it's just a welfare check.

I suspect, like others, you were supposed to have either gone overboard parading stunning and brave, or to gone overboard cutting him off and he's a bit flummoxed you didn't follow the plan.

Is he sorted for year 2 accommodation? Because that's going to require you to sign paperwork as guarantor soon. And pay deposits. Then Student Finance will need you to apply for year 2 finance. So he's going to have to be in contact.

This is valuable self-care OP:

Ive actually started telling a few people rather than be ashamed of it (the cutting me off bit) and I find it very interesting that people who are fully 'be kind' and TWAW are actually quite horrified and shocked by his behaviour.

Is he sorted for year 2 accommodation? Because that's going to require you to sign paperwork as guarantor soon. And pay deposits. Then Student Finance will need you to apply for year 2 finance. So he's going to have to be in contact.

I agree about the accommodation.
However, as a parent, I’ve never been involved with either dcs Student finances after the initial paperwork when they started.
That includes one of them forgetting to tick the right box/answering in time and not getting the loan covering Uni fees in second year. All sorted but I never had anything to do with it.

Where’s he going to go during term breaks, summer holiday?

Agree him breaking ties means no financial support. Silly if he hasn’t mentioned it to you.

Uni wellness people won’t talk to you for privacy reasons - but you can call and advise them:

1. Child told you no longer wants parental involvement
2. Child told you no contact/ no money

Tell Uni that you are telling them there could be safety & health issue but as you were told no contact/no money that you cannot help (it’s on them now)
I would not even mention trans to them, my opinion, it doesn’t matter and possibly fuel the idea that you don’t accept. maybe also use new name and them

“Is he sorted for year 2 accommodation? Because that's going to require you to sign paperwork as guarantor soon. And pay deposits. Then Student Finance will need you to apply for year 2 finance. So he's going to have to be in contact.”

These are really good points which you could make to him - recognising that he doesn’t want contact, has he planned how he will manage these things? I would want to indirectly remind him of all the important, practical, positive things you do to support him - it sounds like he might be so used to your support that he’s forgotten it’s there. Good luck OP xx

I was also going to mention year 2 accommodation, he’ll need you for that unless it’s already sorted.

Presumably if he’s in student accommodation there will be a gap between moving out of there and into his year 2 accommodation, he’ll need somewhere to stay.
Once the practicality of no contact impacts him he’ll most probably be back in touch. Hopefully he’ll have to come home for the summer and will realise he needs his family.

I really don't think he's logistically thought this through. I'm sure in his head he's living the independent life, managing just fine in the cocoon of university propped up by his mother's money. Stuff like accommodation in the summer / paying for that / life after uni and how that will all change probably hasn't entered his head.

He's giving away the support of a family, financial support, career support and knowledge... for what? I don't think he really knows either.

Absolutely this. Great post and your own analogy is exactly right.

My DS19 still lives at home, is struggling to access training, and has the emotional outlook of a 14 year old wrapped up in a highly articulate young man. It is very difficult to deal with the cold shouldering, the hair trigger temper and the sheer disdain that can be quite funny on a young teen.

DH struggles more than me but I struggled more when DS was younger; this feels like it's all autism to me. That said, we know autistic young people have higher than usual incidences of trans identification. I think he's probably got in with a group online or in uni that's encouraging the drama.

I'm so sorry, OP, what a horrible situation....
I don't think I would pay all the fees to a child that cuts contact with their family. Definately not the phone. I think maybe it's time for him/her to grow up and get a job. If he/she wants to be an adult and do all the adult decisions, then he/she should support themselves as well. Life is not a bed of roses, you cannot pick what you want and continue to have all the benefits.

Why don't you drive up there and go and see him at the weekend? Have a proper conversation?

No contact? No money.

What you need to remember is only children who feel really secure that their parents love them treat them like shit usually.

This 100%

Don't do this! That will be translated in his mind as 'They cut me off because I am trans.'

Honestly, I'd play along to keep him close while he is exploring this new aspect of his identity. Send him a big cake and say that you love him exactly as he is and he has a right to his own identity - he is an adult. That you hope he will not cut you off to the extent of refusing your financial support as you want to be sure he is well provided for and if and when he feels ready to get back in touch, you welcome him with open arms. Use his new name and pronouns throughout. Just keep the communication open for now.

"Honestly, I'd play along to keep him close while he is exploring this new aspect of his identity. Send him a big cake and say that you love him exactly as he is and he has a right to his own identity - he is an adult. That you hope he will not cut you off to the extent of refusing your financial support as you want to be sure he is well provided for and if and when he feels ready to get back in touch, you welcome him with open arms. Use his new name and pronouns throughout. Just keep the communication open for now."

@SereneCapybara so basically pander to him? Terrible advice. If he wants to start making adult decisions then he needs to deal with adult consequences.

You will not be helping him learn how to live an adult life by all the pussy footing around described here. One month's notice and stop the money. It's absolutely nothing to do with being "trans" (which is a fantasy cult), simply the response to someone rejecting contact and being unbelievably rude and ungrateful.

And yes, I do understand about autism, I have an autistic son too. He is younger than yours but his autism doesn't give him licence to behave like a dick to his parents.

@Serenecapybara send him a cake as a reward for being unbelievably rude to his loving and supportive parents? Not a hope in hell. He needs to grow up one way or another.

So sorry you're going through this. Going against the grain here, my feeling is that if you cut off financial support it's going to feed the narrative he has created about you being unsupportive and against what he's doing. Maybe keep paying but stay quiet and he might start this feel a bit embarrassed about his outbursts....I'm getting 'only gay in the village' everyone is against me, except they're not, vibes here.

I would absolutely want him to get the message that I was against what he was doing.

Sometimes kids/ young people behave in ways that are emotionally immature and seem unreasonable to adults/ parents. You have to remember the brain does not finish developing until we are in our mid to late 20's. He has very limited experience of life, and is working out who he is.

You just have to remember that you are the parent and presumably love him unconditionally. Sometimes teenagers/ young people treat their parents like dirt in the process of trying to figure things out, and you just have to do your best love them anyway. Sometimes you have to take some shit in the name of supporting them - because you are the parent and you rise above it, and try to understand why they are behaving this way.

The fact that he's mentioned cutting contact absolutely doesn't mean he actually wants to. It's him shouting that he is in pain and doesn't feel understood by you. It's a message that you are actually really important and he wants you to understand.

Teenagers often push parents away when they need them most. He wants your support. It's hard for you to give him that because he's essentially saying he's now a different person and you have to deal with it, but I just think it's really important to try and understand what is at the root of the way he's behaving. It's desperation, confusion and a need for love.

TBH you haven't supported them. You haven't been hostile but you have invalidated their identity by refusing to engage.

I'm not saying I blame you as it can feel like jumping on a bandwagon but if this is a genuine process of transition for your child then I would understand why they had felt dismissed.

This!!!! 100% !!!! If he wants no contact then he must assume it's from both sides. Plain and simple.

Why don't you drive up there and go and see him at the weekend? Have a proper conversation?

I think this is a good idea. It needs a face to face. It's too easy for him to cut you off at the end of a phone.