Teen declared they were trans and now says they can't be in contact with us

[crochetedcat]

As the title says really, I'll try to keep this brief but obviously it's complicated.

DS went to university and within a few weeks of being there declared he was now trans and had a new name. We were all rather confused as this seemed out of the blue at 18. He is autistic but seemed happy and doing well, good course, plans for the future etc. I've kept using 'he' here for clarity.

We decided to jointly take the approach to be supportive and to focus on everything else, didn't question it, carried on as usual. I was very aware that challenging it would not go down well, especially when at uni with potentially lots of people saying how awful we were for asking any questions at all. So we decided to take the 'thanks for telling us dear, that's great, how's uni going' approach.

Tbh there was very little change apart from when they came home for a visit in November they were wearing a bit of make up and had made changes to voice and mannerisms. This was difficult to deal with as it felt like the concept of being female was being stereotyped but again, we didn't react and continued to support. He happily went back off to uni after a few days of seeing family etc.

Christmas was the same. He came home for a week but was fairly distant. But we continued being positive and asking about course, friends etc etc - everything you would usually do. No one questioned anything and just rolled with it. The key point here is we have all been as accepting as possible, no one has said anything even vaguely negative, lots of enthusiasm about uni and life more broadly.

Then early in the New Year, we got a message that we were all clearly embarrassed by him and there would be no more contact ever again. It felt ludicrous tbh. The day before we'd been chatting on WhatsApp about his course and something I'd been reading. I responded asking where this had come from, that we weren't embarrassed and would support him in whatever. He said ok and asked about the dog as she'd needed to go to the vet. A completely unemotional reaction really to having just declared he'd never see his family again.

However I haven't heard from him since. He ignores all messages including asking him if he's ok. This was nearly 3 weeks ago. He's not great at responding to messages but would usually do so in a day or two even if just an emoji.

I am guessing the accusations that we are unsupportive are about his anxieties. Or wanting the drama of no one supporting him. It feels very similar to 'the script' of the cheating husband where history is rewritten to fit the narrative.

I also assume the wanting to cut contact is due to him feeling uncomfortable in his 'old life' because it's confronting and now his new normal where probably everyone is effusive.

I would bet money on new friends / the internet driving this.

But it feels so unreal and I don't know what to do next. Is it serious? Is he just never going to have contact with us again? Do I just remain supportive and sending him photos of the dog and articles I see about climate science and including him on the family groups, he hasn't left those yet?

I'm of course angry that someone could just send a message like that to his mother with no feeling. And upset. And scared etc etc

And then there's the minor fact I'm financially supporting him through university. I'm paying for the phone contract for the phone he used to tell me he was never going to see me again. Is he assuming I'll carry on sending him £700 a month to cover his uni halls costs whilst he declares he's estranged?! It feels like a younger teen yelling that they hate you and then asking what's for dinner and can they have a lift to town.

At a loss really and not sure where to go from here to have the most sensible outcome.

Thank you.

OP I think you have to remember that as an autistic teen, emotionally he's probably closer to 15 then he is to 18. If it was my autistic 18 year old (and i do happen to have one) then tbh I'd have been nowhere near as accepting without question as you have been. Personally I'd want to get to the bottom of where this has all come from uni friends? internet? and I'd certainly be asking why he is suddenly talking in a different voice. I'd be making it clear that a female voice is my natural voice, I don't have to put it on - but I know that 's not his natural voice as I've heard his natural voice for the last 18 years.

I'd also be asking how, if he's becoming estranged and independent of the family, he's planning on paying for his accommodation at uni. Is he still expecting us to pay while having nothing to do with us? I wouldn't stop the money but I'd be asking the questions. I mean he can go and bleat about the unfairness of it all to whoever he likes but there's an awful lot of reality he's currently not facing up to.

It's easy for an autistic teen to get swept up in things and really not think of the consequences of what they're doing - but I really think he needs quite a major reality check at this moment. BUT I'd be waiting till he comes home for the holidays so you have a good chunk of time to try and undo some of the brainwashing.

This is a really good point thank you. I hadn't thought about this but realise now I've spent years explaining different perspectives to him and how behaviours might make other people feel. I'm just so worried that doing it for this will push him away.

My thoughts are this is far more to do with him being autistic as opposed to him declaring he is trans. I would contact him and say "We respect your feelings despite the fact we would always love & support you regardless of your decisions in life. Would you still like us to support you with the £700 a month. It hurts you've mentioned you want no contact but please be aware we al love you,this is not what your family want & we will always be there for you." I would then turn up at his door a few days later to have a proper conversation.

It's obviously up to you what you write od do but this was my first thoughts when I read it.

I am sorry your going through this & hope it works out for everyone.

@Lyn348 coming out as gay has nothing whatsoever in common with telling people that you are the opposite sex. The first is a real thing that a person can be, and that many people are. It should be accepted, and in this day and age treated as thoroughly unremarkable. The second is not real, it is complete nonsense manufactured by a variety of people for variety of reasons, none of them good and some of them very sinister.

LOL

Your child has told you who they are, a woman, and you say you’ve went along with this but have not used she pronouns once in this entire post, kept referring to them as your son. You could even be ambiguous and use they. You’re saying you’re being staunchly “supportive” while privately having a different attitude.

Your child has undoubtedly picked up on your private attitudes, that you’re putting on facade to be supportive but hoping this ends. Of course they are going to push you away, not discuss it with you further. Your discomfort has came through so strongly here, talking about not liking the way they talk or even the name they’ve chosen. You’ve not had one positive thing to say about their transition.

You’re saying you’re being supportive, while being dismissive. “That’s nice, how’s uni?” Is just changing the subject and not engaging with what will feel like the most important thing in the world to your child: their identity.

University have a duty of care to look for students who have gone missing though they can't just say 'oh he's an adult' he's their student with a history of neuro diversity not contavtable by his family

They need to know incase anything happens too him

(God forbid something does happen too him with all the social media/trump talk)

Why would something happen to him? Universities are open-minded these days. I don't think GEN Z get their knickers in a twist over trans, like some older people do. I watch University Challenge a lot and so many of the contestants ate trans/gender variant.

You clearly didn't give him the attention and drama he was hoping for, as someone else said maybe he was expecting rainbows covering the house and everyone telling him how brave he is. He has basically joined a cult and you need to wait for him to see sense and get back to reality.

I would say that estrangement is absolutely his choice but from March you will no longer be providing support for someone who never wants to see you again.

Make sure you contact uni and make them aware of what is going on, he may need mental health support.

And when you're gay you don't go around in woman face, lying to people and expecting them to support and validate your lies. And your right to have sex/ marry/ cohabit with those of your own sex doesn't dilute or destroy the rights of anyone else. Whereas people pretending to be the opposite sex, men demanding to participate in women's sport or take women-only jobs from women does destroy women's rights.

@MissDoubleU they have not told her "what they are". The son is a teenaged boy, not a woman, his own mother obviously knows this.

isn't it funny how this man expects the women around him to "be kind" but he doesn't have to be kind even though he thinks he's a woman because he wears a dress..

Wow. I would not do this.

well, that's because he is their son ... Just because he believes he is woman doesn't make it true and doesn't mean we all have to lie to stop him being upset.

Well no because you aren't going to say "look this is all bollocks you are a bloke, end of" (even though this might be your opinion, it's certainly mine).

You will be saying "me and your Dad love you so much and we just want you to be happy, and we understand that you feel that you are female and want to be Tamara, and that this is really important for you. We do get that and we are trying very hard. But as Mum and Dad it's hard, because we loved Tom so very much from the moment we found out we were expecting you. It's hard for us to say goodbye to Tom. We will try to use the right words because we love you so much, but please be understanding that we might well slip up and use the wrong name or pronoun and it's not because we aren't trying very hard to understand and support you. " I added in a bit about how my reservation with gender identity is that some people ascribe all their issues to being trans and think transitioning will solve their problems and it's that I have issues with, not any individual person. I also added that I thought we should explore counselling before doing anything irreversible.

Obviously they will try to contact students but if they are answering e mails from the university and friends and going to lectures do you seriously think they will be considered missing just because they aren't responding to texts from their parents.🙄

What about drag queens? Most of them are gay men in their everyday life, they do "women face". A lot of these threads are made up to attack trans.

"No one is doing anyone any harm whatsoever by expressing a different gender identity than the one they were given at birth."

They weren't given a gender identity, they were sexed - he is a man, whether he likes it or not.

You have my sympathies Op this must be so hard and a scenario most parents would dread.

I don’t believe you should cut him off financially as I’d be very concerned for his living situation if you did. Financial cut-off would mean nowhere to live and you don’t want him on the streets.

I wouldn't mention to him about his next financial application, I would let him realise in his own time that he has to approach you first.

If it were my son I would keep communication open and friendly. I think you are doing everything right. I haven’t experienced it myself so I can’t give any real advice on how to deal with it but I do hope he comes to his senses.

Fix your hearts or die.

What the actual fuck is this shite?

@Hwi there isn't a god so I don't think believing in a fabrication of someone's imagination is going to help here. Religion is the cause of a great deal of problems in the world so again I don't think Islam is going to help him. Believing in god is embarrassing, you may as well believe in Peppa Pig.

Wrong. You are woefully misinformed about the intersex/red hair comparison.

Furthermore, intersex conditions have nothing to do with trans. Educate yourself.

The suicide rate among trans youth is A) vastly exaggerated and B) due to co-morbidities/other mental illnesses that tend to go along with gender discomfort. Stop
spreading lies.

Quite a famous reference, actually.

@MissDoubleU "Fix your heart or die"??? WTF does that mean? It sounds very threatening.

And no, "intersex" is not as common as being red haired (and people with DSDs have also asked that people stop using the term "intersex"). And my son's sex was not "assigned at birth", it was fixed at the moment of conception, as confirmed by prenatal chromosomal testing.

And yes, men pretending to be women and forcing those around them to pretend that too does do a lot of harm. To women.